The Newest Fabled Creature

Heya! It's alright to be questioning your identity if you feel like what you're experiencing "contradicts" what it means to be aro(spec), but I promise that despite what you're feeling, you could still be a-spec for it, if you decide that you are! For insight, if you want some, I experienced the same thing as you (with anyone of any gender) and came to the conclusion that it was alterous attraction. I'm not trying to say that that's what you're experiencing, of course. I felt immense physical qualities of what it meant to be crushing on someone; chest getting all heavy and anxious with emotion, butterflies in the stomach, blushing, etc - but I lacked the desire to actively engage with the individual I was meshing on, romantically (a "mesh" meaning an alterous "crush"), and I didn't think about dating the person nor fantasizing marriage, despite wanting a deep emotional closeness that I surmised as the "crush part." I called them crushes back then, but it lacked the romantic feeling behind the word, because I didn't know anything about aromanticism, especially nothing about alterous attraction. I often actually dreaded the mere thought of the person liking me back, and I dreaded the prospect of them wanting to ask me out, or me "needing" to fulfill some societal expectation of what it means to crush on someone by asking them out myself. So, even if the person did like me back, I never acted out on my want to be deeply close with them in a non-romantic sense (in the subconscious fear that the person would view the action as romantic regardless) and was relieved when slowly the person moved on from their feelings they had towards me. What you said did remind me of the identities 'orientated aroace' and 'angled aroace'. I forget their differences, but what they share in common is that they experience a certain non-romantic and non-sexual attraction to a certain gender, or genders, that is significant enough to warrant a place next to their aromanticism and asexuality. Despite orientated and angled being primarily for aroaces only, sometimes you can experience a certain attraction in the aromantic sense, or asexual sense, to where you can be oriented just aromantically, or just asexually, and vice-versa with angled. I'm not saying you're orientated or angled, but they're identities worth looking into. Regardless of what conclusion you come to, you are welcomed here.

Hello my name is Memphis, Arocalyptic Amphibian Deity of the Lagoon.

I agree with you on all of that. In my opinion, if a romantic infatuation becomes so obsessive that it damages one's relationships with others and damages one's relationship with their self, then it's not worth pursuing, but that's easier said than done for some allos. Like, I also have zero romantic experiences, but even then I'll notice these patterns and come up with solutions for the allos I know in my life, and these would be solutions that you'd think someone who has been through those types of romantic feelings or relationships would come up with from the get-go themselves; a lot of allos do, and some of them gain the knowledge of their own patterns and tendencies through time and more experience, but there would be allos who are just clueless about themselves sometimes.

I recently got a white ring as well! I think it's one size too small, but it can easily slide off!

Woah! That sounds intense and mind-boggling! It kind of reminds me of my own co-workers who would talk about their romantic infatuations - not much like how that guy experienced his, but they would talk rather spontaneously about their love for someone, or the love for their current partner, and it always didn't click with me or left me bewildered.

Has someone said Bilbo Baggins yet? I can't even remember if I said something about him yet. I kind of see him as both aromantic and gay. Sometimes my headcanon will split and I would argue, "He's aromantic!" or other times I'll say, "Oh my Gods he's so gay," but most of the time I end up saying he's both. I absolutely love the friendships he forms with the dwarves, and how he's unmarried and practically raised Frodo by himself. But, sometimes I do like the ship between him and Thorin Oakenshield, even the romantic ones, so a little headcanoning of them being in a QPR does wonders for my soul.

Like what Alto said, don't speak for everyone. There are many people who are obese or fat that are literally married. And I don't see how you can even try to speak for everyone when other people try to speak for us. There are some people try to give us "respect" and "dignity," but secretly don't view us as valid. There are people who don't see the validity in our friendships or relationships because of what we are. There are people who don't see the validity of our very own existences. There are people who say that it's "reality" that everyone falls in love or experiences sexual attraction, or wants some kind of relationship, even friendships. So, you can't try to speak for other groups of people.

I did assume that she may have been conflating dating with romantic attraction (much like how some cis people conflate sex with gender because those two things are connected for them) and I think I can see how someone trying to see if a person makes a good partner could make their own romantic attraction stronger, and so maybe that's why she said that? But yeah, that was a very aro thing for my mom to say lmao.

I hate the immaturity argument, because what parent would want to bum-rush their own child, or children, to completely trust someone of their own age range to not hurt them, or Hell, take advantage of them even, because middle school relationships and high school relationships are kind of traumatic to be honest? It's immature of the parents to do that to their own kid(s), because if you're going to treat your own family like that then why not take sole responsibility of teaching your kid(s) to look for specific warning signs in relationships? Or Hell, take responsibility for your own kid's heart being broken, or their boundaries being breached, because you pushed them to find a partner?

As someone who may call themselves a loveless aro even when I don't always consciously identify as such, I always hated the argument that aros can "love in other ways." It's not that I'm trying to say that there aren't aros who do love in other ways, but it felt like the aro community was still trying to use love to humanize ourselves. It feels unnecessary to broaden the word "love" in the attempt to still be considered human when aphobes will not like us anyway nor consider that we exist in the first place. I didn't like it when some alloroaces used love to humanize themselves, but when I see fellow aro-specs get caught up in that as well, I oftentimes just want to be an ass and say that I don't love in other ways, and never will, even though I do; I know it'll look like I'm contradicting myself in saying that, but there are aros who don't love in other ways at all, and there are aros who do, but we shouldn't utilize that as some weapon to where we're just segregating ourselves from each other.

I completely relate to the feeling of being "obsessed with romance," for I was like that before I realized I was aro and after. I feel like I have become a lot more aware of what romantic culture is (if you can even call it that), and I often strain myself in every social interaction to make sure that the person I'm talking to isn't somehow attracted to me in any way; sounds paranoid, I know, but it's not that I do it with every person I meet, I usually do that with people I'm just getting to know, which I rarely ever want to get to know new people. When I thought I was alloromantic, I would question often as to why the thought of me being in a romantic relationship made a pit open up in my stomach, and I questioned why I felt like I was just shutting down emotions around people who I speculated could've romantically liked me. I was confused and scared that I wasn't allowing myself to experience feelings or to experience relationships that I heard so constantly from friends that were amazing things, and yet those same friends would be crying their hearts out because their partner left them, or cheated on them, or when said friends would come to the conclusion that the relationship was never once healthy so they had to let their ex-partner go. I never once understood why I was like that. Until I found out that I was aro. And everything made so much more sense. I slowly let go of the feeling that I wasn't "allowing" myself to experience certain feelings or relationships, and instead saw for what I was doing at a young age - and that was simply avoiding something that I didn't want. I wish I could give you some advice, if you're still lost in all of this, but I don't think I can help in any new way that other people here have tried, and so I'll just say this: you're not alone. I promise.

Before I found out I was aromantic, my "ideal partner" was someone who could check all of these unattainable boxes on a very extensive list I would come up with, just so I could, subconsciously, not have to get with anyone of any gender even when I thought that I wanted to. After finding out I'm aromantic, my "ideal partner" would now be someone who understood my identity and so would leave me alone.

Whenever I'm actually able to travel I usually do it with just my family. But simply going somewhere to hang out I would either do with my siblings or with a friend. I do prefer traveling with family and/or friends, but I would like to try traveling by myself at some point in time.

Currently I'm just living day to day as I can, but I'm happy just being with my family and spending the time that I'm able with friends. I wish I could do more, but life happens, and that's okay. I feel fulfilled as I am now, and I don't really see how a romantic relationship can offer me any type of fulfillment presently nor in the future.

I do know that non-SAM aros are talked about, but sometimes people (both aspecs and non-aspecs) still get tripped up that some aros or asexuals don't differentiate their attractions. Some people use their asexual label to explain their romantic attraction and don't really call themselves aro nor alloro, and some aromantics also use aromanticism to describe their sexuality and don't label themselves as ace or allo. Some aromantics, like me, feel that their aro identity also effects their sexual attraction, where although I may call myself allosexual and can experience sexual attraction (and so may be considered a SAM aro by other people), I don't want to pursue sexual relationships because of my lack of wanting to pursue romantic or queerplatonic ones.

When I first found out I was aromantic, I honestly-to-any-creator thought to myself, "I'm a monster." The thing is, I didn't feel disgusted by or thought this about other aromantics, but when it came to applying that to me, I laughed it off. I couldn't ever conceive myself as aromantic, despite feeling so heavily connected to the community and literally wishing I could be a part of it; but because I thought I was an alloromantic who just didn't want a relationship, I didn't think I could belong. When I found the identity orchidromantic, I used it, because I was still clinging onto the last shred of hope that I could still experience romantic attraction. This is and was not a healthy way of going about this line of questioning, and I inadvertently disrespected orchidromantics by furthering the narrative associated with that identity. I remember seriously thinking, "I haven't had a crush in years. Am I .... aromantic?" And I immediately shut myself down. When I did start thinking that maybe I could actually be aro, I started questioning if I ever actually experienced crushes at all when I was younger, and found that I didn't. And it caused me immense distress, because then I thought about how all of this would make my mom feel. I felt like I was letting her down. It took a long while to quell these thoughts, but sometimes a little internalized arophobia still slips in, when I end up thinking, "Are aromantics actually real?" Answer: we are. I stopped believing I was letting my mom down when I finally had a conversation with her about not me being aro, but about me not wanting romantic relationships. She said that that was valid, and it felt like a weight was lifted off of me. I know I didn't need her approval, and sometimes she still brings up me potentially being in a relationship in the future, but it felt great in hearing her still accepting that maybe, in some distant future, I'll be alone and I'll be okay with that.

I kind of see where you're coming from. Although I didn't think this when I was younger, I can see how some people, both aspec and non-aspec alike, could see aroallo-ness as not real, because of the amatonormative belief that not only romantic attraction and romantic relationships are the "norm," but also that it "must" come first. People, usually alloro allos but some aspecs too, tend to forget that sex can exist without feelings, or that it can be very emotionally intimate but just between friends (or in some cases, exist in QPRs). Oftentimes, sex is seen as the Consummation™️, the bringing-together-of-(usually)-two-loves, all the time (this was brought about by Christianity, I'm not saying to blame Christians of course, but this does stem from that). But, loveless marriages (between allos) exist where sometimes the romantic love that people are always told to wait for, just never comes; one night stands exist to which I see allos promote all the time anyway; friends-with-benefits exist; we aspecs exist. So, something is not adding up here.

One game that I know where you can identify as aromantic (as well as cis, trans binary, non-binary, mspec, straight, gay, asexual, monogamous or polyamorous) is a text-only adventure novel, that does sadly cost money ($7.99), called, "Creme de la Creme" by Hannah Powell-Smith. It's not perfect of course, since if you choose an asexual route it may limit sex-based options, or if you choose the aromantic route it could limit some relationship options, but it's a really good game about going off to a college called Gallatin College, and living there and making friends or having relationships of any kind. I believe you can name yourself whatever you want, but for the story you choose a family last name and your family will have some flaw that others at the college will try to exploit (to add some tension), and if I remember correctly, you can choose if the people you interact with are mainly male characters, female characters, non-binary characters, or a mix of genders across the cast.

Another thing I love about being aromantic that maybe others can relate to, is the proving allos wrong part simply by existing. It can feel isolating to basically be considered a non-existent type of human, but I can't help but smile a shit eating grin when others say that "everyone looks for love." I don't experience attraction in a way that alloros specifically experience and that alloros immediately assume others to feel on the first meeting. I don't need a romantic relationship that some alloros tend to feel will complete them, and I can literally have a clear mind while watching romance without feeling like I need that. it did take quite a long while for me and for many others (sometimes, ofc) to feel okay with not experiencing romantic attraction, or for not experiencing it in a considered normative way, but once I could accept myself for who and what I am, I feel a type of immense joy that only a hand few selected alloros may also feel.

I don't have one, I just have a white ring for aromanticism, but the only places I could suggest for you to look for an ace ring is either asexual owned online stores, or Etsy?

I love it how whenever I'm in an English class, and there's a paper we're writing that's even remotely connected to love, I just burst whatever bubble the prompt forms in class and write a paper about how genuinely unromantic the piece we're reading is; despite the fact that I typically like romance, but some of the old shit is just facepalming material. Or sometimes the relationship in the text is very fucking gay, but no one likes queer theory/analogy ever in English, unless you have a very chill teacher.

That sounds like a good idea! I'll look into some, thanks!

Not that I experienced this a lot, but there were times where when my brother actively tried to remember I'm aromantic, and he would kind of say something like that if I jokingly said, "I'd marry this or that person/ or fictional character."

I now have a white ceramic ring for my middle finger that I wear around, but I do wish I could just buy aro pins and wear them.

I genuinely don't know how I feel about in-person kissing? Whenever I see couples kiss in front of me, or I accidentally happen to see it, my brain short circuits and I kind of end up thinking, "Why did I need to see that? Why did you make my ears hear that?" so... it sometimes bothers me a lot? But then, there's times where I'm not so bothered by it? And I think the context of when I'm not bothered by it is when people I know do with it their partners - who I may or may not also know. I like kissing in fiction! Some aspec people don't, and much respect, for me based on the context of a pointless romance, I often hate it when two people start randomly fucking kissing, but usually if two or more characters are already together then I don't mind it, or if the romance is written right (or my version of "right"); or if two or more characters are most likely going to end up together romantically, then I actually kind of root for the romantic stuff between those characters and don't hate it when they kiss. Now kissing for myself? I'm on the fence about it, because I'm more than likely going to shut down a situation of someone wanting to kiss me, but under a very rare circumstance where I know and trust the person, and they understand my identity well as an allo, or are aro-spec themself, and so know my boundaries and wanted to share a simple kiss then maybe I would possibly think about remotely considering it. I am rather romance favorable in regards to fiction most of the time, so sometimes I do like seeing characters romantically together, and I even ship characters together romantically a bit more than queerplatonically, but I would so love a mainstream QPR relationship in a popular show. Like, I don't know, make another Sherlock Holmes & Dr. Watson show, but they're in a QPR??