nonmerci

Oh yes, I always forget dating in France and in the USA is different. Except the first (romantic) dates in France, it is not likely that you are dating someone if not in a romantic relationship. While in the USA if I get it, it is more common to have multiple dates and only become a romantic couple after a big talk about it. Which confuses me a lot. I think it depends. If you are the one who broke up, I don't think it's logical to be devasted because the relationship probably didn't work for you, so break-up was the logical thing to do. It is different if you are not the one you broke-up I guess. I don't think people in romantic relationship are necessarily in love, or the "I love you" thing is ridiculous. They feel romantic attraction yes, but romantic love? I'm not sure. Then I also think that some people are more in love with the idea of being in a romantic relationship than with their romantic partner. Some people have difficulties to live without a romantic relationship, which can explain why these relationships don't last.

I would not say it that way (this way, it's like saying asexuals are not human... that's probably not what you meant, but it hurt a bit). I think it all depends on the person. If the person they date know from the start they are for short-time relationship, then everything is clear and I don't think it's a bad thing, just their way of being. If the partner complain about that even if he/she/they were told from the start, for me the one to blame is the partner, not the one who explained it in the first place. Now, if the person didn't say anything, it all depends on the intentions : did this person only wants to have fun for a few times with a romantic partner, or was the investissment in the relationship serious? If the person played with the other feelings, that's not ok. But otherwise, I think people can't really control their feelings, and maybe they are not aware of it and always think the next one will be "the one". Sometimes they experiment, I guess dating is a way to know if you get along or fall in love with the person in this case; and if not, well, it's logical to stop the relationship. Besides, I'm not sure that a relationship is meaningfull because it's long. The fact that it didn't last doesn't invalid the feelings involved in the first place, in my opinion. Don't get me wrong, I get when you're coming from. That's not fair that someone who has multiple sexual relationships is seen as a slut, immature, and everything else, when having multiple romantic relationships is not demonized, even if it is not different. However, I don't think that critcizing people with short romantic relationship is the solution. The best would be that none of this situation is seen as wrong, as long as the people involved are clear about their needs.

That's the difference between attraction and love. I can't realy explain as the line is a bit confused for me, but romantic love is more intense I guess. When someone has a crush, it is not in love yet, though it can lead to that if they explore this relationship That's how I see it : a crush grows into romantic love. That's why the "I love you" thing is such a big deal (wich confused me for a long time). Maybe, it's a bit like the difference between thinking someone is nice and it would be good to be friend with, and actually be friend with this person.

Can't speak for allosexual of course, but I can say to you that sexual attraction and arousal are different things. I suppose there can be arousal when sexually attracted, but I'm not sure you have toi, and you can just have that physical reaction without any desire to have sex.

True, a big fan of fantasy here. TPBM prefers to watch movies rather than series.

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Thanks! That's very helpful, it answers a problem that I had. I have two scenes right now where this is relevant : a conversation when this is a discussion (he has a little brother not aware of his asexuality and in need of advice, I let you imagine), and one when the exposition to sexuality is more direct. He was not comfortable with his brother's questions but it is nothing compare to the other situation. It's good to know that sexual repulsion can fluctuate according to the situation.

Thank you all for your responses, it was helpful. Thanks! So I'm going to keep his sexual repulsion.I may just give it a less intense, I don't know, I didn't imagine it would be so affected at first. But I think it could be a good way to do "show don't tell" in regard to his sexual orientation, even if of course not all asexual are sex-repulsed. Thanks! So it may be consistent. I just wanted to know if his sexual orientation fits the label, but anyway I don't say the label (in a medieval universe he doesn't have the word), so knowing that it's not an allosexual experience is already useful. Thanks for that too! I also planed a scene with an allosexual explaining to an asexual what is sexual attraction, and that will be very helpful.

Please, keep it civile. You apparantly don't know that but some people were actually raped because of their asexuality, by people who say they will cure them like that. And I think it is disrespectful to say it is just misogyny. In particular for the victime who are men. And of course it is nothing compare to conversion therapy, but it is very difficult for an asexual or an aromantic to find a therapist, because most of the time asexuality and aromanticism is seen as a symptom of a pathology or of neurodivergency, and so the therapist will try to change that. Now, do gay and bi people have it worse than aro and ace? Yes they are. But pretending that aro and aces face nothing, no real problem, no negation of their identity, or that it has another cause than acephobia or arophobia... that is simply not true. Maybe you didn't have to face it, fine for you, but it's not the case for everyone. You can find plenty of examples of negationism just here on this website. Because life is not black and white. It all depends on situation. For instance, I am ace. For this reason, I am not priviledged compare to a heterosexual for instance... except if this an aromantic heterosexual. Because in this case aro allo face problems that I, as an asexual, will never face (like slut shaming, impossibility to find a meaningful sexual relationship that will fulfil my need...). You also can find a lot of testimony about the ace community being offensive to and ease the aro (allo) experience. And that the same thing for the LGBT. Gay people are oppressed because of heteronormativity. Aro and ace because of amatonormativity. This is different thing. In terms of heteronormativity, being aro and ace is and advantage compare to being gay. But in terms of amatonormativity, this is the contrary. It all depends on context. And that's what you can find acephobic gay people, the same way you can find homophobic asexual. Because both group find societal problems who have not the same origins, and so depending in the context, one or the other applies.

Personally I identify as greyro for a few months or maybe a year before identify as aro. My case was different (I had felt romantic attraction once and I thought I may have not very intense crushes because I chosed cute guys and decided "why not have a crush on them?"). It helps me to accept my aro identity, because saying that I felt not intense and not often romantic attraction was less scary than saying I felt none, at all. Then when I made peace with the idea, I naturally stop thinking myself as grey and say I was aromantic. I think it may be even harder to prove you are greyro, because greyro is less likely to be seen as a true label. They face even more negationist comments I think, because people think it doesn't exist, that it doesn't different from allo experienc, etc. So it is more risky to have people who say that you are just looking for attention with this label. This is sad but this is what I see people say. People who refuse to understand will be hard to convince but there are some supportive people in this world.

That's sad. They should not do that, in particular now that we know everybody don't want a straight relationship. It forces kids to suffer in silence, or to come out and educate people so to suffer at loud. Not great.

I only have one squish in my life I think and it was like @hermi1e described. As a crush instead I wanted to be friends, not to date. Very weird. I just look at that girl and felt a urge to befriend her. It was the only time, usually I don't get squishes.

Sorry you had to hear that. I can be wrong but I think in this context it was more "she misses something if she doesn't date you" rather than "if she doesn't date women". Which is still confusing. We can have meaningful relationship with people without dating them! When someone says that, I try to think about analogy. I do think that people who don't love Harry Potter (books or movies not the character ha ha) are missing something. Are they less than me for that? No they are not. And they probably have other interests that I don't have and think I'm missing something too. Same with romance. Maybe we are missing something? Maybe. But we are not lacking of something that would make us more human. We are not less for that. We just have others focuses and this alright. That's what I'd say when people think my life is miserable because of aromanticism.

Remind me when I talk about asexuality with my mother. I don't know how to translate her reaction in English but it means "another new concept probably useless that this modern society created". And she is the open-minded one (well, she has an "as long as they are happy this way" view, which is better than my dad who screams "pédé" (insulting French word for homosexual) everytime a homosexual is on TV...) ! I think there is a gap of generation too. I am always more at ease to talk about that with people my age because I know that they were educated about LGBT+, though not about aromanticism necessarily. Well, not all of them, but a lot more than before. Same for me. I know that want the best, but we don't have the same definition of what is best. Just like when my father criticize me for being a teacher because I was good at school and look for a job with a better pay. Two different opinions of what makes me happy or not.

I'm 26 too. My parents are not as annoying (pardon me I couldn't find a better word), but it's clear that they are frustrated that neither me or my brother have never dated (my brother is 30, don't know if he is aro or not, he says he doesn't see the point of having a girlfriend if they always fight... yeah my parents fight a lot). My father always complained about the fact we are not dating, in particular everytime my brother has a new job he asks if there is women who have the same age as him, if they like the same things as him... Lucky me, he doesn't do that with me... for now at least. Recently (I'd say for a year), he complains frequently about him not getting grantchildren soon. Sometimes I say that I am happy alone and he says things like "but you say since you are a kid that you want 3 children" (didn't try to explain the husband was optional in this scenario, and that when I was a kid I also wanted a hors and I change my mind). My mother try to be supportive I guess. She must think we are homosexual because she says things like "I don't mind if you date a person of the same sex, it's better than being alone". Of course she is not supportive at all and completely misses the truth. That's kind of annoying because I'd like to be out, but I know they won't understand and I don't want to fight. So I am just dealing with that and get angry in silence.

Do you know the label wtfromantic/quoiromantic? Only you can decide your label, but your confusion about the concept of romantic attraction made me think about this one. I can't really tell you what romantic attraction is I don't feel it. People seem to describe it as the desire to date someone, thinking about them all the time, having butterflies in the stomach... But in my opinion, romantic attraction is almost impossible to describe because we always do it by giving signs that the attraction is there, and that signs can be interpreted differently. So I think the best is to read people talk about their attraction and see if it fits your experience or not.

For me, the most difficult is that this is not well-known. Things get better I think, but a lot of people still don't know what it is. So to coming out to my parents for instance, saying "I'm aromantic" is not nough, I should explain what it means, and probably face their disbelief that it is actually a thing and that I am happy that way. (I'm pretty sure my mother must think I'm a lesbian because she says to my homophobic dad "that's not a problem if your children are homosexual if it makes them happy, and that's better than staying alone".. which of course, is not helping me to come out). Friendship is already beautiful and meaningful in itself. That's sad some people don't realize that.

Personally, I do enjoy romance in fiction (of written well, bit like everything I watch if I can say). A lot of aros don't like it yes, because they can't relate I guess (if not repulsed), but that's not an obligation to identify as aro. ?

Lol. Actually I like the rythm of the song and Mariah Carey's voice, but I do admit the lyrics do not sweet my aro side. I like "Vive le vent" (French version of Jingle bells) and "Petit Papa Noël". For both I mainly know the chorus only, but they are so iconic in France, we learned them when we are young, that's the first thing I think about when someone says "Christmas song". I heard Feliz Navidad and I thought it was a good song!

Hi everyone! So, in a book I am writing, one of the character has a fluide sexuality : sometimes he is "fully" asexual, sometimes on the grey area. I think it is the label aceflux in this case. A scene I just wrote made me wonder some things : 1) Is it common for grey people to be sex repulsed? I was wondering if this was possible as my character can sometimes feel sexual attraction though not in an intense way, so it could change how he feels about change I guess. 2) Does sexual repulsion can fluctuate the same way sexual attraction fluctuate? 3) For what I read, for some aceflux sexual attraction can be something one day and another the next day. Now for my character, the fluctuation takes more time, like period that can last during week. Is it consistent? Thanks for your answers.

That shirt is ICONIC.

False. Well, it depends on the meaning of the term, but if we talk about pantin, sculpture etc, I'm the kind of people who get bored in museums. TPBM loves Christmas time.

Fantasy

Mort was the first I read. Was fun and no problem to understand. I also read a book he wrote but not in his usual universe : the nome trilogy. Kind of a religious parody. And of course Good Omens that he wrote with Neil Gaiman.

Vampire.