nonmerci

Aplatonic are for aros who don't feel platonic attraction (squishes) or don't want QPRs. I suppose that loveless aros are for people that don't relate to the concept of love as people use it (aka loving friends, families, etc)? But I'm not sure.

Hi all. Question in the title. So, I recently have the perfect idea for a novel to have an aro and ace character as main character. Though the story in itself is not about aromanticism (that's about a girl defeating a nasty queen), my main character wll discover through her journey that she is both aro and ace and that this perfectly ok. And with that, my potential reader will probably be learning what is aromanticism because, let's face it, this is pretty unknown (though, to be honest, if due to the number of my writing project and my rapidity to write, that has the time to change). I would be glad if it helps some people to know this not feeling attraction is a possibility. But, I havea problem. My story is setting in a tme where the labels don't even exist, let alone seen as a possibility. My character will have no possibility to google the term to find information. She will just realizes that she doesn't feel attraction, and still have a meaningful life. But because of that, I fear that reading the book, someone won't get that it is possible to be aro but not ace, and vice versa. i can't really include an aro allo character in the story, nor an allo ace, that could explain thing and balanced, because an important thing of the story will be how she feels alone and no one valids her. I also want her to understand by herself. I thought about two things to conter the problem : -a note at the begining or the end of the book that explains attraction (if I ever finished it and published it, I liked to dedicate it to aromantic anyway), but people could not read it -at the end of the book, after my character figure out and complete her journey, she could hear about aro allo and allo ace, then go and fin them; but I fear that it will not be credible that she didn't find them before (I could find an explanation for that though). Does someone have thoughts about it? I am only at the begining of the project (I know how it begins, how it ends, how my character will evolve, but not what happens in the middle). So, I am open to any critic or suggestion.

Oh yes... Like the "but we still fall in love" from allo aces. I think we should find a way to educate about these things, without marginalizing other people. Because yeah, some aros want QPR, but some aros are also aplatonic and as valid and human as the others. Maybe, one way to do that would be : stop to try to compensate the lack of romance with something else? I mean, we have different priorities than romance, but they differ from people, so saying "we don't have love but we have that instead" will always left people behind.

Once, I came out to another student, who I think isn't queer but knew what I was talking about. That's very cool to not have to explain or justify yourself when people get it immediately.

Yeah, maybe you are romance repulsed, but I don't really use this kind of label so I can't tell for sure. But if romance repulses you, that can explain. Another possibility : you headcanon the character as aro (though this must not be conscious), and that helped you to connect with him. So, when the romantic subplot appears, you feel betrayed. And then you don't want to watch it anymore. Another possibility again, maybe more credible. Usually, when romance comes in the way, it became the center of the character arc. Now, we watch a plot for the story, but also for character development. I don't know how it is for you, but if I don't care about the characters, it is harder for me to care about the plot, even if it is the best of the world. If everything about the character becomes connected to romance, and you can't relate, or are even repulsed by it... Then it becomes impossible for you to get interest in the character arc. That's why I suppose romance hits differently than other stuff about the character, that you can relate or not. Because when it comes, it just erases anything else.

For the romantic talk, well, she is probably not confortable with it. Maybe she doesn't want the relation to be romantic. Maybe, the platonic conversation is special to her. But I can't talk for her, that's just a possibility. Here, the problem may be that you don't have the same expectations about your relationship. The best is to talk to her to know how she view things, and if you can, find a way to make it confortable for both of you. About her priority. Something important to understand to date and aro, is that we usually don't see romance (and therefore the romantic partner) as the thing to prioritize over everything. So, being evrytime her top priority may be unachievable. However, for what you said, it seems it is not only that you are not her priority, but that you feel like she doesn't care about you at all. For that, I can't answer, in particular with no context. Probably, she doesn't show you that you are important to her, and that's why you feel this way. She probably doesn't even notice that. So the biggest problem is an absence of communication (and to be honest, that's often the case). You should ask her how she feels about you, what makesyour relationship special for her. Also talk to her about your feelings, how you feel worthless, so she can acknowledge the problem and think about why it exists. If she's not aware of a problem, she can't fix it. Now, that's just my thoughts. I'm not in her head, and nobody knows better what she thinks than that. Are you doing something wrong? For what you say I don't think so. Are you expecting something unachievable? I don't know, that's possible for what you said, that you both expecting things so different that it can work. These things can happen and that's no one's fault. But only a discussion with her can tell you that for sure.

These people are seen as immature and as people who will change when they meet the right woman. Of course no one defined it as an identity, that was a behavior that everybody expect to change later. And then they will be tease for that, but I don't think anyone had ever been bullied for being in love (if this is a straight relationship), or for engaging a hetero romance. But if you heard of that, I want to hear that story, that must be interesting. Of course but the original post was talking about invalidation, which is not healthy at all and very different from disagreeing with someone... I personally would prefer if everybody was aware of queerness and respectfull, so we don't need this kind of colleges. But I am probably biaised because where I live college is just a place to study, no fraternity etc. And I admit it sounds safe and fun to have this kind of colleges where queer culture can openly express itself with drag shows and all.

Well if this person is aware you are aro and know what to expect from you, I don't see the problem. If you didn't do it yet, just talk with talk with them about what you want from this relationship and let them decide if they are ok with it.

Oh ok. I get it now.

I am not very aware of not SAM aro problematic so if a non SAM aro comes here, correct me if I'm wrong. But I think that not SAM aro just don't use sexual attraction to describe themselves, so don't use words as ace, allosexual to describe themselves. So for me, if someone use aroace, this person use the SAM, because non SAM aro just say aro. At least that's what I get, maybe I am wrong.

This is... something. Does this person really try to tell allo aro what they should use or not? Compare being aro allo to being cis as if being allosexual means aro are not oppressed by society? Say that allo is a bad term because some idiots use it in a bad way (and only targetting aro allo, not allo aro who uses alloromantic too). Also, this person wants to say what direction the aro community should take, though not part of the community... Yes, the aro community share common history with the ace community. But does this means we are condemned to be a minor part of a-spec forever? I feel like the aces who use this historical argument when aro ask for more visibility and recognition just refuse to see why aro need their own community or acknowledge why people want more "independance ". Maybe they are scared to recognize that the aces had hurt aros too, and in particular allosexual, I don't know. But they should let the aro community define what is good for them and recognize their wrong when they say things like this, because this arophobia is disgusting and only create mire gap between the two communities.

But the ace of spade came from the asexual community and is used to say someone is both aro and ace. So spade sounds pretty SAM aro to me. For the rest why not, ace of spade is already an aroace symbol.

That's why allo ace also use it I think. So romancenormativity would not fit for them at all.

For what you say, you can be an aromantic who is interested in queerplatonic relationship. This is not unusual at all.

That's supposed to be "romantic". But I just think it so strange. Maybe, if you have to sacrifice all you love for one person, you shouldn't be together...? I mean, that may not be always true, maybe the person makes you happy more thatn what you sacrifice... But then this is what should be shown, instead of just value the notion of sacrifice as something you have to do, even if you love that. Once I wrote a kiss scene. I wanted to detail a bit as it was the first one of the main couple. And I had to make researches because I never kissed anyone and didn't know how it feels like, or what people find nice in it. I don't know if it's an aro or an ace thing, but that was something. And in this relationship, sometimes I look back and think : "are they romantic enough"? I have no clue.

Same! Recently I read the story of a friend when it didn't happen, the character was revealed as aro, and I was so happy! Because the trope of "not interested until the one comes and changes everything" is so annoying and hurtful. On the same note, when a character finally gets the job he/she always wanted but gives it up at the end of the movie, because romance is the only thing that really makes you happy. What kind of moral is that : give up your dream to get married? Same. Well, not all my characters, I've got a lot of allos because I like romance... but some of the characters that are the most like me have strong aro vibes. I remember writing the first crush of my main character while thinking "this is bullshit, that never happens in real life". Also, I wrote a QPR without knowing it : I wanted to write a strong friendship to prove boys ans girls can be friends and very close without any romantic feeling involved. When I read the definition of QPP, it was totally them! And there is this character, he was so aro ace that I wonder how I couldn't have notice he was. Even if I didn't know it existed back then, it was so obvious.

You're the only one who can answer this question. But for what you said, yes, there is a high probability that you are aromantic.

Because these movies are always about a guy being immature or using women until the right woman comes and "cures" him. I never saw any movie where it is not the case. So say that aromantic allosexual are represented by character that are seen as asshole who need to and will change thanks to true romance... that's weird. Like saying aro ace are represented by any psychopath or character unable to feel emotions. We all know aromanticism are not about that. Also, for reading some aro allo experiences, they seem far from that cliché. On the contrary, a lot of them seem not interested in one-night-stands, I even see some of them said they were still virgins because they want committed relationships, and it-s hard to find a sexual committed relationship that isn't romantic.

I don't think so. Yes, sometimes I think it would be either to be hetero. In particular for someone like me who wants kids. But would I change my aroness if I could? I don't think so. Or for one day, for curiosity. I just don't see what romance would bring in my life. Am I missing something? Maybe. But I am not lacking something. (ok, don't know if in English this distinction works as it does in my head). It's like, I don't know, someone who doesn't like chocolate : this person would miss something that I think is amazing, but if this person hates the taste of chocolate, what does he misses except discomfort? He doesn't need chocolate to be happy. Same with romance : a lot of people love it and look for it, but it doesn't mean it is inherently good or necessary to have a meaningful life. As I said, I don't see what romance would bring to my life. If I didn't know it exists, the idea of looking for it must have never crosses my mind. I have other things that I care about.

Ah-ro-cah-lips. As @Leton. said, the French prononciation. I also say ah-ro instead of ay-ro (Frenchie forever, I was so confused to learn this is not how English people pronounce it). And it is the combination of aromantic and apocalypse... I always love the name of this forum for that by the way.

I don't know if I said it before but... YMBAI listening to "can you feel the love tonight" from the Lion King, you relate to the par of Timon and Pumbaa, not Simba and Nala.

Like @Holmbo, I split it in two words to learn it. And even like that, I was often looking at how people spell it to make no mistake. Long words are hard to remember.

It remembers me when friends of mine passed a not serious "test" to know how "pure" they were. Most of the questions included sex, fantasies, the rest was about alcohol and drugs I think. One of my friend told me if I passed the test, I would be the purest of them... and that was true because of all the questions about sex. But being asexual doesn't mean I am naive or innocent. Ask my family : they are shocked sometimes because I have no shame and if their is a sexual joke to be made... count on me lol. True. That's why I care more about my aromanticism. My reaction to being asexual was : ok, no sex for me, no big deal. But being aro changed my life plan. Getting married and all... I'm not saying sexuality is not important, in particular for aro allo. But for me as an aro ace, aromanticism is more important to my identity. Now that being said, I don't know if asexual is more included because of how people view romance and sex. I think that people are juste un-educated. As people said before me, split attraction model is not well known. People, including LGBT people, probably think that asexual means asexual and aromantic. So they don't include us because they think they did... except, they didn't. Because this is not the same.

That's great!

Personally, I canon Gypsy from the show Flash as aro allo, but that's personal. She is there only in a few episodes of season 3 and 4, and is the girlfriend of one of the main character, Cisco. In season 4, they break up because they realized they don't want the same thing. The way I interpret it, Cisco wanted a long-term romantic relationship. But Gypsy enjoys his company, she enjoys having sex with him, but she is not in love and she doesn't want a real romantic relationship. Their break-up scene is very touching for that : it shows that though Cisco did nothing wrong, Gypsy just can't love him, she felt broken for that but as Cisco says to her, there is nothing wrong with her. Another version of that is : a man (usually it's a man) who have sex with a lot of women but never fall in love. Until the female character arrives and "fixes" his behavior.