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Do you consider some of your aromantic feelings to be evil?


Ted guy
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Don't get me wrong. Platonic love is awesome

But sometimes I'll be driving and thinking how most times I look at relationships as just getting my sexual endeavors over with. There is no emotion behind it, or the other person. 

I'm married but I don't feel much. 

Then I'll think to myself, "Wow....that sounds so evil".

I was sitting down one night thinking to myself about how a beautiful girl I turned down in high school who had real intense feelings for me. I didn't realize how she felt until I learnt of my aromance.

We would talk on MSN for hours and she really liked me, but when she moved to my school I totally ignored her and it really hurt her.

I knew she liked me, but I didn't know there was anything to how she felt.

My brain doesn't have that wiring to understand it.

Now I feel so bad about that stuff, I cried one night about it.

Edited by Ted guy
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No I don't think so.

Love is not what makes us good people, no matter if it is romantic, platonic or whatever. So the absence of love can't tuen someone into a bad person.

Of course it hurts the other person when we don't reciprocate feelings, but it is not our fault, and there are a lot of other situations in life where our feelings or desires will not align with someone else's. That's OK. We are not to blame for having our own desires and needs.

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Sometimes I do.

(I know I'm not and I know where I have those thoughts from, but that doesn't save me from having those feelings)

Sometimes I feel it's evil when I make decisions towards actions that are romantically-coded (or sexually-coded), because I don't really have the "excuse" of "that's just how I feel"/"I can't change my feelings" (of course not feeling attraction is a feeling I can't change too, but when I chose action without attraction with the knowledge that it will hurt persons bc of THEIR feelings I sometimes do feel like a very bad person. But I also know that just because I am aro doesn't mean I am not allowed to romantically coded actions as long as it's consensual.. I mean I have my reasons and I should be allowed to live my life how it feels right for ME, shouldn't I? Sometimes I feel like if I can't be happy in an allonormative way I am not allowed to be happy at all)

Always remember: Alloromantics do hurt other alloromantics all the time. Why should this be more acceptable? (the answer is arophobia if you ask me)

Edited by Acecream
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No, I don't. I even don't know if I experience any kind of love – and if I'm not, it's still nothing wrong. Amatonormativity is the thing that is making us thinking like there's anything bad in being aro.

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I am demiromantic, and a wee drunk right now, but I don't think my lack of romantic inclinations or anything is "evil". That's just my personality and uncoordinated morals. 😈

Oh yes, love isn't what makes us good humans. Being good is what makes us good. There is bad "love", and good love too. We just think it's "good" or "bad".

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nah.

i just consider myself less burdened with things like romance (which IMO is a positive, i know ppl who worry a lot bout romance n being singlee)

im personally happy with who i am (aside from internal me-issues like my inability to socialize which i am working on) and i feel like romance just makin my life harder (the few times i have been associated with the words "date" "crush" and other such adjectives i was stressed almost every day so yeahhhh no)

 

im very big on platonic and super deep friendships. i try to be very out there n social (but it's rlly hard with bein autistic n stuff) and i like the people im hanging out with. i like to think i feel love, but not in the way ppl expect, and certainly not towards everyone

romance ive tried to reject a lot of advances bc i simply dont understand it/am scared of it (not bc romance bad but because if you dont understand smth its reasonable to be scared of possibilities which you don't like [kissing, being referred to as someone's girlfriend, list goes on]), which sometimes i wonder if it's cruel or not to be forced in the position of rejection but then i remember that love (any kind) is a two way contract. if one side isn't happy, it won't work.

overall, i think aromantic stuff isn't evil. it's a bit of a pain to deal with the fact you struggle to understand these things and that may affect ur relationships with other, but if you learn to live with it, it's a pretty neat feature!

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I have seen, and experienced, far more evil things than that. That's the problem with so much of today's moral messaging, a lot of it comes from people who have never faced real hardship, and hence have never witnessed real evil. And so they don't understand pain is a part of growing up. This girl of yours, she could have fallen for an allo who lost his feelings for her, and she'd be just as hurt by it.

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Sometimes I feel like I'm a bad person, but it's less because I don't feel romantic attraction and more because I can be a bit detached overall. My emotional memory isn't very good, and in some ways I value the intellectual/"contractual" side of relationships over emotional attachment or love.

There's a pervasive idea that a lack of emotions/empathy/etc is inherently harmful, but that's not true at all. How we act matters more than how we feel.

In the past I've felt like a bad person for being aro- and I've been "messy" and have hurt people, because I wanted something (or I thought I did) and then I realized that their feelings were far more intense than mine and I became uncomfortable. But alloro people are also certainly capable of doing the same things. Everyone is capable of hurting people, and it's not like romance can't be a driving force behind that (cheating? crimes of passion? ditching your blind date because you just aren't feeling it?)

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I too feel like it. I'm sex and romance-repulsed. You can probably guess what kind of reactions I get regarding romance and sex. Sometimes I feel bad for it, they are not something to feel nauseous about, but I do, most of the times. My thoughts are also similar to my reactions. But if you ask my opinion on romance, I would say, "it is what it is. It exists for a reason, and I just am not familiar with it." A neutral or a positively inclined response. I still have some clarity.

It doesn't change the facts. I'm born this way. Me being this way doesn't mean anything. As long as I have some clarity, my reactions, fears etc don't matter. I don't have to feel guilty for what I'm, not when there are so many people like me and especially when everyone is "evil" in that sense. 

It's good you let your guilt out through crying, but you can't just get stuck there for your lifetime, right? Understand yourself, empathize with yourself, it's the only way to make peace. And the thing about sex without love, it's not like both are bound to be in pair all the time, that's not a Universal law (what about animals?), it's our brain that thinks it is right that way, so when we have something against that idea, our brain automatically states "something is out of order here". We just have to edit the idea, it takes time but it's probably worth the result we get.

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7 hours ago, night_sky_white_clouds said:

I too feel like it. I'm sex and romance-repulsed. You can probably guess what kind of reactions I get regarding romance and sex. Sometimes I feel bad for it, they are not something to feel nauseous about, but I do, most of the times. My thoughts are also similar to my reactions. But if you ask my opinion on romance, I would say, "it is what it is. It exists for a reason, and I just am not familiar with it." A neutral or a positively inclined response. I still have some clarity.

It doesn't change the facts. I'm born this way. Me being this way doesn't mean anything. As long as I have some clarity, my reactions, fears etc don't matter. I don't have to feel guilty for what I'm, not when there are so many people like me and especially when everyone is "evil" in that sense. 

It's good you let your guilt out through crying, but you can't just get stuck there for your lifetime, right? Understand yourself, empathize with yourself, it's the only way to make peace. And the thing about sex without love, it's not like both are bound to be in pair all the time, that's not a Universal law (what about animals?), it's our brain that thinks it is right that way, so when we have something against that idea, our brain automatically states "something is out of order here". We just have to edit the idea, it takes time but it's probably worth the result we get.

I like this response. It has a several excellent points, and I appreciated that. Thank you for saying this, @night_sky_white_clouds!

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I sometimes do.

It's probably because whenever I talk about love with my friends or family I always mention that I don't understand it, and I see it as a really close friendship, and they always replay "How can you not understand it?" or "There's nothing to understand. It's a feeling. You'll know it's love when you'll feel it." and sometimes even "You should appreciate love more. It's a gift that God has blessed us with ages ago.".

So even though I know that there's nothing wrong with me, I still have thoughts based on these things my closests ones have said to me.

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no, you can't control how you feel or how others feel.  like if someone's romantically attracted to you--also, why are they the poor guy and you the bad guy?  why is their desire to date you more important than your desire, whether it be for friendship or nothing?  two people wanting different things is no one's fault.  and as others pointed out, this also happens with allos, in fact it's the most likely situation.  what matters is how you treat people.  so even if i'm sexually attracted to someone without caring about them, that in itself isn't harming them (the example who first comes to mind isn't even alive); purposeful actions like sexual harassment, misleading someone about your feelings toward them, or otherwise disrespecting their feelings/boundaries are harmful things which i would obviously never do.  and again, some allos do those things, including sometimes when they're romantically attracted to the person.  when everyone's on the same page, even if it's with "no emotion," sex is not wrong.  (sorry if it's tmi but some partners will be more than ok with you just seeing them as a sex toy.)  point is, aromanticism isn't evil; no orientation carries any moral value one way or the other. 

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