UncommonNonsense Posted July 13, 2016 Share Posted July 13, 2016 As some of you know, I'm out about being ace. But I'm not very open about being aro. Even with Mum. Mostly, this is due to me thinking that most people have never heard of aromantacism. I mean, if asexuality is unheard-of, aromanticism is so rare as to be virtually non-existent. Anyway, a couple of days ago, we were talking about identity-policing. This is something she had never heard of, so I used examples that I've seen on AVEN a few times to illustrate it. I said: Think of it like this. Some aces want relationships, because they still desire romantic companionship even if they don't want sex to be part of it. But some people think that if you're in a relationship, you can't be ace, because I guess they assume all romantic relationships to be sexual relationships, and they think that a person can't be ace if they're having sex, regardless of whether that person feels sexual attraction or a desire to have sex or not. So some people say that if you're in a romantic relationship, you can't be ace. That's an example of identity policing - you can't belong to our group if you do x, despite x really having no bearing on the group's identity at all. I had mentioned a few others too, like 'you can't be ace if you have a sex drive' and 'you can't be ace if you've been the victim of sexual violence' (some people seem to think all ace survivors of rape/assault are identifying as ace only because they were traumatized by sex and are now afraid of it... total unmitigated bullshit, but some idiots believe anything), but those examples didn't end up making Mum think about aces and romantic orientations the way the 'you can't be ace if you're in a relationship' one did. Mum thought about this for a minute. Then she asked me whether aces who desire romantic relationships have a harder time than those that don't. And I told her that in my opinion, people who are romantically inclined and those who aren't just face different challenges, with neither group having it harder than the other. The romantically-inclined face more challenges in finding someone who is likewise seeking a non-sexual romantic relationship and they often deal with a lot of heartache when finding out that someone they really like or even love isn't compatible because of the sex thing. But that people like me, who are aromantic and don't seek out romantic relationships often face feeling lonely when all their friends pair off into couples and abandon all their pre-couple friends. I also told her that since our society promotes romantic relationships as the be-all and end-all, friendships are not given very much importance, and that society doesn't accept family-like groups created by platonic friends as being anything approaching equal to couple- and parent-hood, so it can make creating a household very hard for aromantics. When society itself lacks a framework to explain the kind of relationship/family/companionship you want, you'll find creating that relationship/family/companionship almost impossible. So the identity policing conversation evolved into a conversation about romantic orientations. Mum had never thought of romantic orientation as being something that could be seen as separate from sexual orientation, but she's hetero in both kinds of orientation, so she never faced any of the conflicting emotions that have let people like us to question whether sexual and romantic orientations could be distinct things. She's also 70, so none of these thoughts and terms were around during her formative years. I'm just amazed that we actually had that conversation, and when I aligned myself with the aromantic side of the coin, she didn't question it or disparage it! I'd been stewing for months about how and when to have the 'I'm Aromantic!' conversation with her, since she still sometimes makes comments about my lack of a dating life now and then. Maybe I'm finally making some inroads! We'll see... after all, I still have yet to have the 'Guess what! I'm Agender!" conversation with her... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DannyFenton123 Posted July 13, 2016 Share Posted July 13, 2016 That's really great you were able to have that conversation with your mother! I hope the 'I'm agender' conversation goes just as well Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
omitef Posted July 13, 2016 Share Posted July 13, 2016 Goddammit @DannyFenton123 you stole my bloody comment Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Philbo Wiseroot Posted July 13, 2016 Share Posted July 13, 2016 I came in here expecting a rant about how it didn't go well, and I was happily surprised I'm glad it went well and she didn't say "you say you're aro, but I don't think you are..." like my mum (who then proceeded to out me to my stepdad ). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlexisS Posted July 13, 2016 Share Posted July 13, 2016 I'm really glad you made it through that conversation with your mum Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aussiekirkland Posted July 13, 2016 Share Posted July 13, 2016 I've been meaning to do something like this, since I came out to my mum as ace over a year ago. Though she knows I'm not romantically attracted to people so idk? I'm so glad that went well for you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Philbo Wiseroot Posted July 13, 2016 Share Posted July 13, 2016 34 minutes ago, aussiekirkland said: Though she knows I'm not romantically attracted to people so idk? So if she already knows, why bother? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ElizabethDewitt Posted July 13, 2016 Share Posted July 13, 2016 I am so happy to hear that it went well!!!! Congrats!!!! <3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
owl Posted July 13, 2016 Share Posted July 13, 2016 Glad it went well 4 hours ago, aussiekirkland said: I've been meaning to do something like this, since I came out to my mum as ace over a year ago. Though she knows I'm not romantically attracted to people so idk? Does she think that asexual = aromantic also? My friends are pretty much the same way, they know I don't have crushes but don't know the word aromantic.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dodecahedron314 Posted July 13, 2016 Share Posted July 13, 2016 Phew, I'm so glad that worked out well, I know you and your mom don't always see eye-to-eye on things. I was worried I'd need to bring sympathy ice cream, but celebratory ice cream is even better! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PerformativeSurprise Posted July 14, 2016 Share Posted July 14, 2016 I'm glad to hear it went well! That conversation is always a bit nerve wracking. But it sounds like you approached the topic in a really good way. Congrats! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nock Posted July 14, 2016 Share Posted July 14, 2016 I'm so happy for you! Congrats! It was really nice to read about your mom just listening and even asking questions. I wish you all the best for your next talk! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ugh... Posted July 14, 2016 Share Posted July 14, 2016 Really glad that went well for you, your mom is a sweat heart! Also, your explanation is great! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deltaX Posted July 14, 2016 Share Posted July 14, 2016 I'm glad it worked out well for you! It's awesome that your mom seemed so accepting of it, and I hope that if/when you decide to have the "I'm Agender" conversation it goes the same way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tumblrweed Posted September 18, 2016 Share Posted September 18, 2016 Your mother sounds like a compassionate person, willing to listen to your experiences even when she might not understand it to begin with. I'm glad you feel comfortable enough to communicate about these things. d(^^)b Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Untamed Heart Posted December 15, 2016 Share Posted December 15, 2016 I'm really pleased for you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EmFairy Posted March 14, 2017 Share Posted March 14, 2017 Nice, mine didn’t care. At least it didn’t make her super mad. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ace of Amethysts Posted March 16, 2017 Share Posted March 16, 2017 On 15/03/2017 at 5:20 AM, EmilyTheDemiFairy said: Glad many of y'all had a positive experience. Mine was negative and I was just shoved back in the closet like she didn't want to know I wasn't attracted to men or was attracted to a girl I was friends with for years before I even ever thought about it (since I'm demiromantic). This was basically me with my mum. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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