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Hi aroscorpio! I'm aroace, so while I can't tell you what sexual attraction feels like (you might have to see if one of the lovely aroallos or grey aces here can give you that perspective), I can tell you why I don't think I experience sexual attraction. I was about 16-17 when I realized that it wasn't considered normal to not be interested in having sex with people. It came as somewhat of a surprise to me because I had been projecting my view of sex and interest in it onto others without asking then about it. When I did start talking to my friends and family about it, they acknowledged that some people are late bloomers and my older sister in particular said that the pool of people in high school (1,000 total spread out among the four years) was too small for even her to find someone she would date, although when we flipped through the year book she could point out a few people who were "hot". What I came to realize, and the reason I started identifying as asexual at 18, is that there is something that makes people desire to have sex with others. It doesn't seem to be a rational thing, but an instinctual one. What I understand is that for some people, it's also linked to an emotional bond (demisexual). And after 18 years, I ended up expecting that I wouldn't feel that way for anyone in the future. In the years since, that expectstion hasn't been challenged. If it ever is, I plan on revisiting my label again. Sexuality can be fluid and labelling myself one way doesn't mean I have to stick to it forever if it stops applying to me. I hope that helped, and I wish you luck on your journey in exploring your identity!

I know a few people have posted that they don't personally see a lot of worth in apply these terms to themselves (which is fair! Any label is only as useful as you find it), but I have found the terms romance-repulsion and romance-averse to be really helpful terms for me to understand why I tend to shy away from people that seem overly positive towards me or overly interested in me, even if I've enjoyed spending time with them before. My aversion tends to start with touch, since I'm not a touchy person in general. There's a lot of boundaries that have to be established before I'm even okay with the idea of a person touching me. I get uncomfortable when people express PDA, though I don't say anything because I do believe that open expressions of love are very freeing and I don't want to take that away from them because I'm squicked out. But the repulsion is at its peak when someone starts expressing romantic interest in me. It's a particular look in their eye, a "subtle" attempt to see where my romantic relationship stands, at worst an admission of feelings. If the other person isn't too close to me, I can usually rationalize it as "they don't know me well enough to know that they love me" and politely find a way to redirect the conversation or turn them down. Irrational as I know it is, a close friend expressing interest in dating me feels like betrayal. Since I understand where this comes from for me, I can take some time to quiet down those feelings and work with the other person. Having a label might not mean I get to use it to explain to someone else what is happening to me, but it sure helped explain to myself what was going on and let me see this isn't as rare of a thing as I'd once thought.

Hi izzyruth92! I don't know what stage of planning the TAAAP is in for these discussions, but do you know when/how they're planning to host these discussions? Like if they're considering Discord or Zoom or something on their website. I saw that there was a question about how people responding to this questionnaire would be able to participate, so I understand that they might not have decided on the particular method as of yet. Just curious about the range they're considering.

Thanks for sharing, Mark! I've been trying to look up sources for where the assertion that love doesn't appear in Western society until recently is from, since I want to have a solid foundation when I try to explain it to the people around me, but I'm having mixed results when I try to look up love in anthropological studies. Do you have any links or titles of books/aticles that you can point me to that explore that idea? Hey aro_elise! If you wanted to read the book and have someone to discuss each chapter with, I'd be all for discussing it here!! Sorry about the late reply, Qim ^^;; Like Mark said, you could buy it off Amazon. I'd like to add that most libraries also take requests for books to add to their collection, so you could try requesting it if your local library doesn't already have a copy. With COVID-19, I know libraries are closed in most--if not all--areas right now. I'm pretty lucky to live in an area with robust library services, like an online e-book collection, and I recognize that not everyone has that. If you don't want to spend money on it, and if it's not possible to get it through the library right now, it might just be a title to add to a reading list for now. Hope you're doing okay!

I just finished reading the book today, and I'm still glad I picked it up! Looking up information on the author confirmed for me that she has a worldview that jives with me (feminist, trans-friendly, fat positivity), which might be why I found the ideas in her book easy to digest. I think some ideas in the book will be difficult for different groups of people to agree with, for different reasons. I think this book would interest anyone who wanted to explore the history behind how heterosexuality (and the rise of sexual orientation and sexual identity as concepts) became what it is today. Blank covers a wide variety of topics, including the origins of the terminology, the biological aspect (or lack thereof) of heterosexuality, sex, heterosexual marriage, gender relations, romance and courtship, and sexuality in general. This necessitates some talk genitals fairly regularly, so it might be hard to read if that makes you uncomfortable. Often, she goes over how all of these topics have changed from the industrial revolution until now. Even if you don't end up agreeing with all her assertions, I think Blank provides a new perspective on some things people take for granted. And hey, if you're not sure whether it's something you're interested in, I'd say to give the introduction (or at least the end of the introduction, if the full intro is too long) a read, if you can!

More specifically, I'm reading Straight: The Surprisingly Short History of Heterosexuality by Hanne Blank. As the author points out time and again, you can't understand sexuality without looking at heterosexuality and what the so-called "standard" was considered to be, so I took a chance and borrowed the e-book. Even then, I never expected to find vindication in the written form! It's been a wonderful read all around so far. Just tonight, I got so excited when I reached "Chapter 4: The Marrying Type" and came across this paragraph that had me SCREAMING (emphasis my own): "As difficult as it may be for us to believe today, particularly if we have had the seemingly involuntary, overwhelming experience of "falling in love," anthropological and historical evidence both suggest that falling in love is not actually something human beings are hard-wired to do but a behavior pattern that is learned. In cultures where there is no significant cultural pattern of experiencing romantic love, most people do not. Such a pattern did ultimately develop in the West, but for most of our history it was not part of the everyday experience of the average person." The book was published in 2012 and makes no overt references to asexuality or aromanticism as of yet, but I got! so!! pumped!!! And wanted to share this quote somewhere. I will definitely be doing some digging into any references I can find to see what research in anthropology and history Blank has based this paragraph on. What does everyone else think?

Stranger

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Wow, that's a lot of stuff to deal with! You mentioned you're a writer and wanted to get this off your chest, so I'm really hoping that this writing exercise has helped you feel confident in your concerns with this person while making you feel better. You don't need me to tell you that writing can be therapeutic. 10 months is quite a long time to know someone, especially when they've been acting this way with you. Without knowing anything about you or them or the rest of the situation and how it came to be, I'd like to ask how you'd feel about going to someone like a school counselor to talk about your worries and concerns (you don't have to come out or talk about them catfishing, in case you're not comfortable/worried about actions being taken). A counselor would be more capable of making recommendations to resources, especially if your school has made an effort to be inclusive of all genders and sexualities. Alternatively--and I know this sounds silly--have you thought about trying to role-play a situation in a safe place where you try giving them a talk about mutual respect? Because when it comes down to it, I feel like you have very valid, real concerns: you've asked the other person to change their behaviors in ways that would allow you to enjoy your time together, and they haven't been open to changing. Being stuck together in school makes it more difficult to get away from the other person, but I'm of the belief that if a person does not want to change, then you cannot change them. The only thing to do in those situations is walk away from the relationship, whatever that relationship be. And ultimately, I hope you remember that whatever happens and whatever you/they do, there's always people out there who'll respect you without your asking and you're more likely than not to meet them in the course of your life. The other person badmouthing or outing you (not okay) won't stop them from getting to know you.

I read the first thing and got incredulous that people would ask you to express interest in them, but lol yeah...it can be really offputting to have people asking about your (non-existent) romantic interests and just not accept your answer. ._. Recently I had an older Irish lady who's a friend of my grandmother ask me if I had a "lover", and when I told her I wasn't interested she basically responded, "Oh, of course you'd not. You're too young to be thinking about that, you've got your whole life ahead" and it was a nice reprieve from the usual "You should be dating" type response. And I can get the frustration with useless romance subplot, because I feel it, too. I don't really watch movies because I usually don't like them, and a major part of that is usually the amount of tick-box-romance in them. But books and manga that examine relationships in very realistic ways that have positive relationships develop even when they end up romantic are a lot more enjoyable for me because I still like to second-hand experience people who are working to understand each other. I'm also a visual person, so imagining a scene rather than seeing it move before my eyes gives me more control over my experience of the work.

Years of observation have suggested the following romantic-coded(?) things squick me: - others having romantic interest in me, perceived or confessed. This is the worst on the list. - casual, "pointless" touch (touch for no specific purpose other than the touch aspect itself). I can generally handle this if I switch off my objections, but that's not comfortable. - couples interacting in ways they don't with their friends. This varies widely, and is usually not a problem with people I don't know well. Outside of that, I think I'm fine with romantic-coded things. In general, romance not involving myself is something I'm neutral towards, and fictional romance in media can range from cringeworthy bad romances that hurt to watch to romances that I love because they make me feel the closest thing to what I imagine love is, mixed with excitement for the cream of the crop. Nice wording, by the way! I may not know what love or romance is for sure, but I definitely know what repulsed me.

It has been made so. You relax when you have free time without anything weighing you down. Gravity ceases to work as you float away into the sunset. Your relaxed state does not allow you to get serious and down to earth. I wish I was a lot better at being natural when conversing.

All the new rail projects are done now. The Elizabeth line gets abandoned before completion and will never function. The projects were abandoned in order to fix problems with already established and previously functioning lines and to check for safety, inconveniencing everyone. I wish I could see the supermoon without the clouds tonight.

Being ace, aro, and introverted in a family focused on academics kinda helped me stay oblivious. I don't know that I ever explicitly thought of myself as straight? People, including queer friends and family, had these expectations that I would start dating or start feeling romantically about "the other sex", and I just kind of absorbed those expectations for myself. But when other people weren't making comments, I didn't really think about dating or my orientations because nothing obvious every hit me out of the blue. I remember trying to think about being LGB or pan like some of my friends, but that didn't feel right...and all I was left was the expectations from others that I would "find someone" in a traditional, straight way. Eventually I started looking into gender (and, as they are usually co-linked, sexuality) and I just found these labels that described what others had failed to imagine of me. I trusted my elders in the community and started using labels I wasn't 100% confident to say I was, and now they are the most comfortable ways in which I can convey my experience and find community like y'all.