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What made you question(?) if you were aromantic?


Bumble_Bee_
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After I wrote a story with an aromantic character in it, I started to doubt if I'm alloro because almost everything seemed to be so close to me.

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  • 3 weeks later...

I think it was a bunch of little things, but mostly how I never had crushes. The few "crushes"  I had back in elementary and middle school were just ones I made up because I thought it was normal. I tried to convince myself to like those people for years, but it never really worked. I also remember thinking I was pansexual because I experienced the same amount of attraction to everyone (none). 

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SO many things:

1) I remember this very specific incident in fourth grade where there was this specific friend group I really wanted to join at school. When I asked them if I could join them, they said, "only if you tell us who your crush is", and then I said that I didn't have one, so they assumed that I was just too shy or didn't trust them enough to tell them so they offered to start first and each one of them (3 or 4, I can't exactly remeber), and then when it was my turn again, and after they made it very clear that they won't believe me if I continue to say no one, and won't be friends with me, I picked someone random. They were all very surprised by that becasue apparently all of them found him very unattractive and couldn't wrap their heads around how I could possible be attracted to him. Nevertheless, I joined that friend group for a while, and literally everything they talked about were their crushes and how they feel when they pass by and so on, and I just couldn't relate whatsoever. And they also were surprised that I didn't feel nervous or didn't even recognise when my "crush" was around. I ended up leaving them and hanging out with teachers instead xD

2) Whenever someone would ask me about my dream meeting with my husband (both heteronormative & amatonormative), I would say that I don't want anything dramatic, I don't want there to be a moment where we ask each other what each others' names are or so on, we would just already know each other from uni/work or something and then decide that we want to get married (basically friendship lol). And to answer the question, "what's your dream wedding?", I would say that I wouldn't want to be the star of my wedding, neither would the person I'm getting married to, but it would rather be a casual hangout with the people invited, and that I wouldn't wear a white dress or anything because "it's not like it's something special or anything". 

3) After finding out about asexuality, I immediately resonated with the label, and it wasn't even an "aha moment" or anything for me because it felt like I really just always knew that I was asexual but it was just about stumbling across the term. Even then, I was just like, "ah, me" and didn't put much thought into it. Then, I felt that there's something deeper about me that's making me very different from others, it's not just sexual attraction I'm not feeling, there's also something else. Asexuality was no longer an adequate explanation for why I felt that romatnic relationships shouldn't be regarded as superior to all other forms and why I felt friendship on a deeper level than most people seem to. 

4) I think it really started when I felt my first alterous attraction (I obviously didn't know that's what it's called at that time) and I was just like what is this thing I'm feeling? Like I don't think this is your average friendship or platonic feelings, but it's also like not romantic either. It seemed to me that I loved that person romantically but without wanting to engange in romantic activities with them (that's just because amatonotmativity made it seem that there's a correlation between the intensity of love and the romantic nature of it, when in fact, it wasn't romantic at all). I started to look more into aromanticism (which I had already heard of but didn't feel like described me neccesarily), especially after experiencing my second alterous attraction 4 years later. 

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  • 4 weeks later...

Toxic relationship also-  I finally got away from her, and about a month after going away with the true decision to not allow her any further contact to me, thus preventing the harm of her attacking and manipulation behavior - I encountered what aromantic is, while looking into panromantic as someone I had met identifies.

Finding this has given me a frame to understand why I never felt comfortable in the parts of interaction that are strictly romantic attraction based. I feel that this trait tracks with my nonverbal nature and the way I am that came to be described as a natural hermit. The reason these mishaps took place the way they did is that i am heterosexual and have a lot of physical needs, and all of my partners have been mismatched, resulting in conflict and tension around romance.

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On 12/6/2021 at 10:17 PM, Bumble_Bee_ said:

So, for me it was a toxic relationship, and after that, romance just didn't appeal to me.

I'm not asking you to share if you aren't comfortable telling, but if you are, I'd love to hear(technically read) it!

 

(i kept seeing this and entirely forgot i made it-)

It was the same thing but i forced myself do love romanticlly and everytime some friend asking me "you happy or you in love" i wasn't happy in that Kind of relationship and only thinking i'm wrong why others can be happy with it or seeing a point to need a Romantic relationship

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Absolutely nothing :)

I had no clue whatsoever that I was aromantic. It never occurred to me that I didn't actually want to kiss or date anyone that I had "crushes". It's like I knew I didn't actually like them, but it completely flew over my head because I was CONVINCED that I had to like them romantically because I thought they were cute

It wasn't until 3am in freshman year of high school and I was texting my friend over Instagram that she asked if I've ever felt attraction to anyone before while we were talking about her crush and I took a hot moment to think about it when I finally realized that NO I DON'T FEEL ATTRACTED TO PEOPLE

It and my asexuality hit me hard when I finally stopped to pay attention for a second

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  • 2 weeks later...

It seems like this thread could possibly be stickied? In the same way the early signs thread is, it seems like this thread could really help people who arent sure whether they are Aro, reading about how people came to realise it. Please tell me if I'm overstepping any mark though.

As to the question, as I said in my introduction thread, im in my late 30's, and only very recently discovered it. I didnt know people could not feel romantic attraction. I've even been tangently linked to the LGBTQ+ community for quite a while, with most of my best friends being either Trans, gay, bi or even Ace. However, none of their experiences matched mine, so ive spent my time thinking im just oblivious and picky, confusing other emotions for romantic love. (Thats not to say i'm not those things as well)

Then I saw someone else talking about being Aro/Ace, and while the Ace parts didnt resonate, the Aro parts deffinetly did, and pennys started droppings. I did a bit of googling, and saw how the description fitted me to a T. However, still not quite willing to believe it, I had to ask a polly friend what she experienced when she felt romantic love, and whether it matched any songs etc. Her response, while confused, was "Well, yeah, why are you asking?" I responded that I had just come across Aro as being a thing at all, and the pennys dropped for her. Apparently a lot of our relationship suddenly made a lot more sense. That brings me more or less to now.

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12 hours ago, Sili said:

It seems like this thread could possibly be stickied? In the same way the early signs thread is, it seems like this thread could really help people who arent sure whether they are Aro, reading about how people came to realise it. Please tell me if I'm overstepping any mark though.

 

I would be happy to do that. If anyone has any objection speak now or forever hold your peace, if not I'll pin it tomorrow

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When I went to high school and suddenly people started talking about crushes and relationships and they'd describe how it feels for them and usually everybody relates to it and I'm just there like " ah yes, very relatable" and also growing up I never really had any interest in romance in fact I hated everything related to it and I never understood how it affects some people's decisions or when I'm with my friends and one them describes something as romantic and the others agree and I'm just there like "what is that supposed to mean"

I can't really put it into words like I was just scrolling randomly one day and I saw a video where it was like "signs that you might be aromantic" and I related to most of them so I did some more research and that's how I kinda knew 

But I'm still kinda hesitant to call myself aromantic because a part of me thinks that it's just the fact that I grew up in society where romance and all that kind of stuff were considered  taboo and most of the kids tv show censored it so my brain just kinda refuses to accept it but I do think that I'm definetly on the aro spectrum

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It took a while, in high school and middle school I ignored romance under the guise of being too preoccupied with school since I was the top student (quickly became gifted kid burnout). But I had a good guy best friend, and when everyone kept asking who my crush was and wouldn't accept no one as an answer, I gave his name since he was nice and we got along well. I didn't really care whether we dated or just stayed friends (they were kinda the same in my mind), but I came to actually believe I had a crush on him. I don't know if what I felt was actually a crush, I'm assuming not, but we eventually started dating. We kissed and whatnot, it wasn't horrible so I didn't mind (turns out I'm sex neutral/averse ace), we went on dates. It felt like a bit of an upgraded friendship and I like cuddling so why not? After about 2 years (I've since learned that my concept of romance and romance timeline is way off) and us both being at different colleges, it wasn't working out. I started thinking I was bi a while ago, I was feeling stifled being in a relationship, I wasn't happy. He said that he felt like we were just friends and nothing more. That really confused me, I still don't quite understand the difference between romantic and platonic relationships/feelings. Anyways, we broke up and I'm much happier single, but I realized that I don't think I've ever had crushes or romantic feelings. I'm still figuring it out, but I'm pretty sure I'm on the aro spectrum and I'm doing by best to come to terms with it. :)

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A ""crush"" I have on a friend. I was like, "Well I wanna know him better and I love his voice and he looks cute I guess??? He looks soft and huggable and hes interesting and I like being around him. This feeling must be romantic attraction right???" It wasn't. I just wanted to be his best friend lmao. Had to ask friends about what romantic attraction felt like ""to be sure"" and then I very quickly realized that no. That was certainly not a thing I felt, and if I ever did it was once or twice in my entire life.  Had to ask if having the good ole random thought of "What if I DID kiss him tho? Eh? I mean? I don't really care? I think it'd feel a bit odd. Anyways moving on," was romantic attraction and I realized that no. That's not what romantic attraction is either. Allos don't hyper analyze someone like they're under a microscope in order to determine their thoughts on them apparently. 
Felt like the living embodiment of the "is mayonnaise an instrument?" bit from Spongebob since I kept being like "Is this romantic attraction?" lmao

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i think a huge indicator on my end was something like planning out what my marriage and similar stuff would be like, but i would really draw a huge blank on who i would have been with. similarly i found out that i didn't really have a type, and what i seemingly had back then was just qualities i wanted in a good friend. i hope that helped!

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I've always loved the idea of love, but it just- never really happened for me? I've never really had a crush or felt that romantic love that everyone talked about and when I was young no one actually had feelings for me or anything. So I didn't really question my feelings or relationship to love? I was just like "It'll happen eventually! I just need to find the right person :D" I actually thought I was bi/panro for the longest time, cause the difference between everything and nothing is pretty hard to tell when you've never felt anything.

That all changed when people actually started being romantically interested in me. I had waited for so long for this to happen and when it finally did I wasn't excited. I didn't feel anything. In fact, whenever someone showed romantic interest in me I just recoiled away? And it kind of peaked with my first kiss. A kiss that initiated because... well, I thought I had to. She had shown interest in me and I thought I had to be interested back. I convinced myself that I had to want it, because who didn't want love right? (I was, and kind of am, struggling a lot with amatonormativity). Let's just say it wasn't a very enjoyable experience.

I later told my friends about the whole ordeal and concluded with the idea that "I was so carried away with the thought that someone loved me, that I never thought about whether I loved them back" And that was the first time that I questioned if I was aromantic!

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i’ve always been curious about attraction and asked my friends about how they experience it, led me to researching aromanticism and here we are! 

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I would always find fictional characters cool or attractive and I thought I was lesbian but when my friend would show me pictures of men or woman I was just neutral. I tried to avoid thinking about being aromantic for a week before giving up and exploring. (Now I'm looking back at my past and thinking "Dang... how did I not know-") Plus, I love the concept of romance and all but I can't imagine myself in those situations-

Edited by Mack__
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  • 3 weeks later...
Posted (edited)

I came across the term AroAce while questioning if I was ace and this is basically what happened:

Me: oh huh this aromanticism thing sounds pretty neat!  It must be nice, I sorta wish I was aro. Too bad I’m alloromantic.  Yep.  Definitely  absolutely allo :]
 

Me: :]
 

Me a few months later: wait a minute-

 

I never really was interested in getting married, dating, romance books/movies/songs, or any of that.  I often mistook strong platonic attraction for romantic attraction.  By the time I got to middle school and saw other people getting crushes, I decided that the platonic attraction I felt to a close friend of mine of the opposite gender was obviously a crush.  Then I told my friends.  Then that led to drama- but luckily he did not reciprocate the “feelings” and it led to nothing.  A few other similar incidences happened until I discovered the aromantic label and embraced it. I faked crushes and went along with all the pressure for from ace because I thought I was supposed to, even though I never actually wanted to date or kiss or be romantic with any of the people I supposedly had a crush on.  I thought I must just be like all the protagonists who start the book not wanting to date anyone, but they always end up dating/kissing someone before the book ends.  Sometimes I think if I had found even a few stories where a relationship wasn’t necessary for the “happy ending” to be complete, maybe things would have gone differently (and for this reason I am now somewhat salty towards that specific trope).

Edited by ClearSkiesAhear
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I am currently still not 100%, but I'm pretty sure I am. 

Reasons:

I made up a crush and chose someone to feel more accepted

I don't like anything to do with Kissing, Romantic things or Relationships

Only like physical contact with people I'm comfortable with, if not I feel kind of icky if I touch people

I've been asked out multiple times by one person and I couldn't say yes

I'm constantly shrouded with the guilt of how upset I made that person feel, but I can't change my decision without being uncomfortable

I'm told that they love me sometimes and I don't reply most of the time because I don't want to say it back

It makes me uncomfortable when someone mentions picking me up

 

So yeah.

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  • 3 weeks later...

I don't know really... I kinda just started realising that I didn't think I'd ever had an actual crush before. Then one of my closest friends came out as asexual and got a girlfriend, and I really didn't understand half of what he was saying in regards to the romantic cues and stuff. And there'd be all this drama in the relationship, arguing and stuff, and I just didn't understand or really get the hype. The same started happening when my sister got a boyfriend too. Then I started relating to some of the stuff my ace friend was saying but I was 90% sure I wasn't ace, but I'd always hated the idea of being aromantic cos I didn't wanna be along forever and it just felt like I was broken. But then I sorta started coming to terms with it a bit more -- I'm still not fully but yeah 

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  • 2 weeks later...

I was 16 when I started identifying as asexual, and then I was like, "okay, time to figure out my romantic orientation" and then I had this sinking realization over the next few years that I never really had a crush. I tried, and fought it and wanted to feel romantic attraction toward someone, but just never did. So it was more of a process of acceptance for me that involved jumping from microlabel to microlabel trying to find a caveat in my aroness that would let me feel what I wanted to feel. It took a few years, but I finally accepted myself as aromantic, and I'm (mostly) very happy this way

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