asexualpanda27

That is a really tough situation. I honestly don’t think there’s a way to handle this that doesn’t end in at least a little hurt. An allo romantic person has a crush on me, and even though I’ve been loudly out as aro and they’ve almost always known me as aro, it still hurts them that I can’t return the same feelings. So though it will hurt, I think there’s merit in ripping the bandaid off and being honest in an empathetic way. Explaining what being aro means to you and what you want going forward and see if what you want is something that your partner also wants. (Such as being friends, changing the relationship to a qpr, not talking anymore, etc.)

For a long time I thought I wanted a romantic relationship. But I like being aromantic. And I like that I'm not really constrained by the limits of romance. But I still want an emotionally intimate relationship with someone. Something like a QPR. But the essence of what I want is someone to talk to about anything and to support/be supported by and to cuddle with and tease and all that. I want to hold someone's hand and know that they will choose me. I'm so afraid that I'll never be chosen by anyone. And I look at all my friends and my sister and they have partners, and I wonder how long it will take before they consistently choose their partners over me. If there's a competition, there is no competition. I just feel like I don't have many people who try to keep in contact with me, and the ones who do don't make me feel unwanted, but they don't make me feel wanted either. There's a difference between feeling wanted and not feeling unwanted, you know? I just feel untethered to anyone and anything. And while that's great freedom for some people, for me it means loneliness. It means no one understanding why I'm upset because they're doing everything they can. Does anyone else feel like this? Or am I alone? I feel alone.

I was 16 when I started identifying as asexual, and then I was like, "okay, time to figure out my romantic orientation" and then I had this sinking realization over the next few years that I never really had a crush. I tried, and fought it and wanted to feel romantic attraction toward someone, but just never did. So it was more of a process of acceptance for me that involved jumping from microlabel to microlabel trying to find a caveat in my aroness that would let me feel what I wanted to feel. It took a few years, but I finally accepted myself as aromantic, and I'm (mostly) very happy this way

That's a really good metaphor! I'm gonna start using that

Me too occasionally. Just goes to show how ingrained into our society it is. And the worst part is (in my opinion) that most people don't even realize what it means when they say it. They don't mean it in a diminutive way, and yet that's exactly what it means. Most people don't even recognize what they're saying or how hurtful it is every time I hear it.

I like Cynical Fairytale by Egg. It reads to me like an aro person who hasn't come to terms with being aro or even a cupioromantic struggle.

I've just been lamenting about this phenomenon. Thanks for the data! It's validating to know it's not all in my head.

This was an awesome article!

Anyone else hate this phrase as much as I do? "Just" friends. As if friends is somehow lesser to the holy grail of romance. Recently, my best friend from high school met a guy that she likes. She was busy texting him when we were hanging out. She wasn't listening to me. I've never felt alone with her before, not even when we were both just on our phones sitting silently in the same room. But this time I did feel alone. Because she wasn't really present with me. I get it, intellectually. First crushes are fun and exciting and addicting. But I was just hit in the face with the reminder that when my friends all have partners, I'm "just" a friend. And sometimes it feels like that's all I'll ever be. Just.

In the end It’s whatever you and your friend(s) are confortable with

Cupioromantic generally means that someone wants a romantic relationship though they don’t feel romantic attraction. That doesn’t mean they can’t feel love. Love is broad. Love is not just romantic. If romance is specifically something that you want or need in a relationship, you should talk to your asexual partner about what it means to them and what they want.

I don't think there's a certain amount of time that passes before you decide to reflect on your feelings. You're not a computer that has to do monthly system maintenance. I think reflecting on feelings is important to do when something is bothering you. If you feel off balance or ungrounded, I've found it beneficial to sit down with myself and journal my thoughts to get myself sorted out. That doesn't work for everyone, but everyone needs a way to ground themselves when feelings knock you sideways. I don't always come to a conclusion in my journaling, but that's not the point. The point is that it helps me process. TLDR: Reflect on feelings and behaviors when you feel off balance and feel like it would help you feel grounded again.

I think something to ask yourself is this: do you want to try something with him? Different aro people have different attitudes toward romance. Some like the idea of a romantic relationship even without the attraction, some want nothing to do with it, and many are in between. If you don't want to, that's perfectly valid. You don't have to. And as roboticanary said, you don't have to. He will live. It will suck, but he will live. If you do, I'd recommend not hiding your identity if you think it would be safe to come out. Whether you want to come out before or after you start dating (in this hypothetical scenario), just come out eventually. It's something that most partners would want to know, and some people don't mind that their partner is aro or arospec if they know that up front. Of course, this is all my experience and my opinion. You do what you feel is right for you. (I did have a similar experience in middle school. A friend clearly had a crush on me, but I didn't like him like that. I didn't know I was aro at the time, so I didn't know how to articulate myself, and I just ended up avoiding him for the rest of the school year... So maybe I'm not the best person to respond with advice. But I've learned a lot since then. That was 6 years ago.)

I think platonic flirting is super fun! But only when everyone involved knows it's a joke. I just like doing it to say "f- you" to amatonormativity, which says flirting is for ~romance~ only.