What made you question(?) if you were aromantic?

[Themathlover]

I remember randomly watching a French video about it someday when I was 13. It was an interview of three aro persons. If you understand French, I'm putting the link to it down here : 

Before I came across this video, I was watching another one concerning people who had never fallen in love but didn't say to be aro, as it's a really marginalized concept. The title, Nous sommes aromantiques, means "We are aromantic" in French, and so, it intriguated me. I clicked on it and watched untill the end. It related to me in a way I couldn't explain, and I could feel like it made a bit of sense, but tried to forget it, probably confused... However, it was still at the back of my mind for maybe a few weeks, and I sometimes happened to think of it.

A few days ago, I was thinking of how different I was from other teenagers (I'm 15). I just have one friend, she settled down on July 2022 in a French overseas departement, The Reunion, which is located far from my location in metropolitan France. I'm still in touch with her but it's currently a long-distance relationship. Also, I've never had any "crush", any real romantic love towards anyone, and it neither appeals to me nor feels sensical to me nor do I feel a lack of it. I was lounging on my couch and suddenly remembered this video. So, I grabbed my phone and watched it back. It still made sense to me, still related to me, but it was too vague. I began doing in depth researches about aromanticism. Videos, articles and testimonials. I discovered it was a spectrum including many orientations, such as demiromanticism, cupioromanticism, lithromanticism, frayromanticism... and quoiromanticism. What I identify with now is this last one, quoiromanticism. I found out that, yes, romance was nonsensical to me. I'm not able to understand it as a concept or a feeling, nor to distinguish it from friendship/platonicism. To alloromantics, it is a unique thing, to me, an alloaro, it is just friendship if it's disconnected from sex. It's also the reason why I've always struggled with differentiating friends with benefits from romantic and sexual relationships, and also the reason why I've never been capable to understand why certain people felt so "heartbroken" if a person they used to have sex with didn't want to go any further (dating). My conception of sex has just never been linked with any other type of attraction. I'm not telling it's bad to feel heartbroken if someone you hook up with doesn't want to date you, it's just how you are, but, to me, it's a non-sense. Sex and romance are two separate things, and romance is something hard to catch for me, so much that I feel like it's not even applicable to me, it's nothing, like something from another universe XD. Everything began to be clearer in my mind. Everything I had struggled with for years began to make sense, or, at least, I could put words on this confusion I had. I'm quoiromantic and heterosexual. In addition to this, I had a phase back when I was 10-11 where I wanted everyone to know I didn't want to have a boyfriend. 4 years after, some aspects of this phase were for sure just a phase, but some others... They were clues I was aro-spec.

Edited February 7, 2023 by Themathlover

[OkTomato]

4 hours ago, Themathlover said:

I remember randomly watching a French video about it someday when I was 13. It was an interview of three aro persons. If you understand French, I'm putting the link to it down here : 

Before I came across this video, I was watching another one concerning people who had never fallen in love but didn't say to be aro, as it's a really marginalized concept. The title, Nous sommes aromantiques, means "We are aromantic" in French, and so, it intriguated me. I clicked on it and watched untill the end. It related to me in a way I couldn't explain, and I could feel like it made a bit of sense, but tried to forget it, probably confused... However, it was still at the back of my mind for maybe a few weeks, and I sometimes happened to think of it.

A few days ago, I was thinking of how different I was from other teenagers (I'm 15). I just have one friend, she settled down on July 2022 in a French overseas departement, The Reunion, which is located far from my location in metropolitan France. I'm still in touch with her but it's currently a long-distance relationship. Also, I've never had any "crush", any real romantic love towards anyone, and it neither appeals to me nor feels sensical to me nor do I feel a lack of it. I was lounging on my couch and suddenly remembered this video. So, I grabbed my phone and watched it back. It still made sense to me, still related to me, but it was too vague. I began doing in depth researches about aromanticism. Videos, articles and testimonials. I discovered it was a spectrum including many orientations, such as demiromanticism, cupioromanticism, lithromanticism, frayromanticism... and quoiromanticism. What I identify with now is this last one, quoiromanticism. I found out that, yes, romance was nonsensical to me. I'm not able to understand it as a concept or a feeling, nor to distinguish it from friendship/platonicism. To alloromantics, it is a unique thing, to me, an alloaro, it is just friendship if it's disconnected from sex. It's also the reason why I've always struggled with differentiating friends with benefits from romantic and sexual relationships, and also the reason why I've never been capable to understand why certain people felt so "heartbroken" if a person they used to have sex with didn't want to go any further (dating). My conception of sex has just never been linked with any other type of attraction. I'm not telling it's bad to feel heartbroken if someone you hook up with doesn't want to date you, it's just how you are, but, to me, it's a non-sense. Sex and romance are two separate things, and romance is something hard to catch for me, so much that I feel like it's not even applicable to me, it's nothing, like something from another universe XD. Everything began to be clearer in my mind. Everything I had struggled with for years began to make sense, or, at least, I could put words on this confusion I had. I'm quoiromantic and heterosexual. In addition to this, I had a phase back when I was 10-11 where I wanted everyone to know I didn't want to have a boyfriend. 4 years after, some aspects of this phase were for sure just a phase, but some others... They were clues I was aro-spec.

Wow it's impressive how well put together your thoughts on this are. You sound very mature. Good luck on your journey.

[MulticulturalFarmer]

Well for a lot of people, seuxal attraction = romantic attraction = aesthetic attraction so I thought, eh I feel sexual attraction from time to time as well as aesthetic attraction, therefore, I can't be aromantic. But I believe that the metric I applied to my concept of aromanticism was kind of wrong. I also felt the need to pursue relationships so I could feel safe when engaging in sex, which I guess makes sense, as an intersex person. However, I have since realized that i'm not only suited for relationships that follow a dating framework, but that i much prefer QPRs or very close friends with benefits, and that I can check for emotional compatibility in order to have sex without necessarily having to date anyone. 

[Deltalorian]

On 8/17/2022 at 7:27 PM, Deltalorian said:

The thought "wait... if asexuals can be sex-favourable, can aromantics be romance favourable?"

I'm not romance favourable lol. I thought I was, I'm actually romance indifferent, but still.

"I'm not romance favourable lol"

Gets boyfriend

[CrisisApple]

I was aware of aromanticism without really having an in depth understanding of what it was like until I read a fanfic about an aromantic character and the experience sounded a little too familiar lmao. 

[yippeeeeeee]

Mainly me questioning everything, and also for school we had to answer a question; What is love. ANd i genuinely didn't know

[Needlemouse]

I don't really know. I was drawn to aromanticism, and the aro-spec for whatever reason, and wanted to know if I fit in there, because my experiences didn't seem like something alloromantics would experience. I guess, I just felt a connection to it.

[DreamXD]

ive never had a crush and never will

 

 

 

wait do fictional crushes count?

[Needlemouse]

On 5/2/2023 at 9:17 AM, DreamXD said:

ive never had a crush and never will

 

 

 

wait do fictional crushes count?

Tbh idfk man.

[HelloThere]

On 5/2/2023 at 9:17 AM, DreamXD said:

ive never had a crush and never will

 

 

 

wait do fictional crushes count?

Well not really, what matters is real life attraction. 

[The Newest Fabled Creature]

What made me initially question if I was aromantic was when I realized that I hadn't had a "crush" in years.

Now I've realized that my "crushes" actually weren't such, but my strong emotional infatuation/alterous attraction towards people has literally not happened in nearly 6 years, and when I feel like a mesh is coming on it goes away real fast.

On 5/2/2023 at 9:17 AM, DreamXD said:

ive never had a crush and never will

 

 

 

wait do fictional crushes count?

I have felt more attraction towards fictional characters than I ever did with real life people. I mean, yeah feel sexual attraction towards real life people, and then towards fictional characters I find attractive, but I only ever fantasize myself in romantic relationships with fictional characters. Though, I would not say I'm fictoromantic, because it's not that I feel like I have a crush on any fictional character, and more often than not I usually don't keep up the romantic-relationship-with-this-character-I'm-hyperfixated-on for long because I usually place my aromanticism into it as well. Some of this may be neurodivergency as well, for me, since I am neurodivergent (I'm not saying that this is the case for everybody), because of how absorbed I can get into the fandom as a whole, that the character belongs to.

[HelloThere]

35 minutes ago, The Newest Fabled Creature said:

What made me initially question if I was aromantic was when I realized that I hadn't had a "crush" in years.

Now I've realized that my "crushes" actually weren't such, but my strong emotional infatuation/alterous attraction towards people has literally not happened in nearly 6 years, and when I feel like a mesh is coming on it goes away real fast.

I have felt more attraction towards fictional characters than I ever did with real life people. I mean, yeah feel sexual attraction towards real life people, and then towards fictional characters I find attractive, but I only ever fantasize myself in romantic relationships with fictional characters. Though, I would not say I'm fictoromantic, because it's not that I feel like I have a crush on any fictional character, and more often than not I usually don't keep up the romantic-relationship-with-this-character-I'm-hyperfixated-on for long because I usually place my aromanticism into it as well. Some of this may be neurodivergency as well, for me, since I am neurodivergent (I'm not saying that this is the case for everybody), because of how absorbed I can get into the fandom as a whole, that the character belongs to.

Wow, I didn’t know that it was possible for people to come up with some fantasized relationship with a fictional character. I’ve only ever felt biased towards characters that were aesthetically attractive, I thought that’s what a fictional crush was. 😅

[The Newest Fabled Creature]

On 5/26/2023 at 6:56 PM, HelloThere said:

Wow, I didn’t know that it was possible for people to come up with some fantasized relationship with a fictional character. I’ve only ever felt biased towards characters that were aesthetically attractive, I thought that’s what a fictional crush was. 😅

I completely understand that, I feel aesthetic attraction towards fictional characters too! But, yeah, I would sometimes get so absorbed into a piece of media and fixate on a character so badly that I would kind of just do that.

[HelloThere]

17 minutes ago, The Newest Fabled Creature said:

I completely understand that, I feel aesthetic attraction towards fictional characters too! But, yeah, I would sometimes get so absorbed into a piece of media and fixate on a character so badly that I would kind of just do that.

I’ve only ever just found characters cool, say Alastor from Hazbin Hotel, he’s aroace, has stupid powerful magic, and the coolest personality! (in the most demonic and evil sense possible. The only thing I ever had for characters was mild aesthetic attraction and admiration on the villains abilities or personality.

[The Newest Fabled Creature]

3 minutes ago, HelloThere said:

I’ve only ever just found characters cool, say Alastor from Hazbin Hotel, he’s aroace, has stupid powerful magic, and the coolest personality! (in the most demonic and evil sense possible. The only thing I ever had for characters was mild aesthetic attraction and admiration on the villains abilities or personality.

That's awesome! There's times where I experience that type of admiration or aesthetic attraction towards characters, but it doesn't happen as often as me fantasizing a relationship. And yet again, it's not because I actually full on want to be "in a relationship" with a certain character, it's very hard to explain, because sometimes as I stated I would just suck myself out of the fantasy since my aromanticism would come into play, but I guess my brain would sometimes just be like, "Well... you went way too deep into this fandom... and you'd never want to be in a relationship in the first place - so here ya go! :D"

[HelloThere]

4 minutes ago, The Newest Fabled Creature said:

That's awesome! There's times where I experience that type of admiration or aesthetic attraction towards characters, but it doesn't happen as often as me fantasizing a relationship. And yet again, it's not because I actually full on want to be "in a relationship" with a certain character, it's very hard to explain, because sometimes as I stated I would just suck myself out of the fantasy since my aromanticism would come into play, but I guess my brain would sometimes just be like, "Well... you went way too deep into this fandom... and you'd never want to be in a relationship in the first place - so here ya go! :D"

So perhaps it’s more you like the idea of it? I don’t think that I’ve ever really fantasized about that and it never went deep at all, it was always just been… there and I wasn’t exactly excited about the idea of that.

[The Newest Fabled Creature]

9 minutes ago, HelloThere said:

So perhaps it’s more you like the idea of it? I don’t think that I’ve ever really fantasized about that and it never went deep at all, it was always just been… there and I wasn’t exactly excited about the idea of that.

Yeah! Wow, that's literally what that is, just the idea of it sounds appealing and so I place it onto fictional characters. I don't know why I didn't think of that before. Thank you lol/gen

 

Edited May 29, 2023 by The Newest Fabled Creature
added tone indicator

[HelloThere]

7 minutes ago, The Newest Fabled Creature said:

Yeah! Wow, that's literally what that is, just the idea of it sounds appealing and so I place it onto fictional characters. I don't know why I didn't think of that before. Thank you lol/gen

 

I mean I like the idea of it… kind of? I don’t know I’m impartial but I haven’t had any experience at all so it’s hard to really be able to confidently say out loud “oh I have literally no intention to date.” I mean I don’t really want to but I’m not able to say that and feel 100% confident about that.

[The Newest Fabled Creature]

39 minutes ago, HelloThere said:

I mean I like the idea of it… kind of? I don’t know I’m impartial but I haven’t had any experience at all so it’s hard to really be able to confidently say out loud “oh I have literally no intention to date.” I mean I don’t really want to but I’m not able to say that and feel 100% confident about that.

I get that! That was me before I had my first ever qpr that I had to end. Not saying that you have to have a relationship to come up with any conclusion, but having a qpr was what made me find out that I'm non-partnering, though I still can't help but want to want a relationship, even if it's not what I actually desire to happen in real life.

[HelloThere]

9 hours ago, The Newest Fabled Creature said:

I get that! That was me before I had my first ever qpr that I had to end. Not saying that you have to have a relationship to come up with any conclusion, but having a qpr was what made me find out that I'm non-partnering, though I still can't help but want to want a relationship, even if it's not what I actually desire to happen in real life.

To me it’s a beautiful idea, in small amounts. I have no interest in obsessing over someone or spending the rest of my life with one person, that just sounds suffocating and boring. I wouldn’t say that friends is my #1 goal either since I also find those hard to maintain, but I do prefer those to those obsessive types of relationships. I guess what I sorta want is people in my life that I can spend time with and then come back to later.

[The Newest Fabled Creature]

3 hours ago, HelloThere said:

To me it’s a beautiful idea, in small amounts. I have no interest in obsessing over someone or spending the rest of my life with one person, that just sounds suffocating and boring. I wouldn’t say that friends is my #1 goal either since I also find those hard to maintain, but I do prefer those to those obsessive types of relationships. I guess what I sorta want is people in my life that I can spend time with and then come back to later.

I agree %100! I struggle maintaining any and all kinds of relationships that aren't just my immediate family, and I would like people, as you said, who I could hang out with and then come back to. I also relate to the suffocation that actual relationships (romantic or queerplatonic) bring to me.

[HelloThere]

16 minutes ago, The Newest Fabled Creature said:

I agree %100! I struggle maintaining any and all kinds of relationships that aren't just my immediate family, and I would like people, as you said, who I could hang out with and then come back to. I also relate to the suffocation that actual relationships (romantic or queerplatonic) bring to me.

I really do like having friends over and I do want friendships to continue but if I sense it falling apart, I sorta just… let it. And I don’t want that but it may just mean that I need to find more friends and if we grow apart then that’s fine. But I can’t imagine myself permanently staying with anyone.

[The Newest Fabled Creature]

8 minutes ago, HelloThere said:

I really do like having friends over and I do want friendships to continue but if I sense it falling apart, I sorta just… let it. And I don’t want that but it may just mean that I need to find more friends and if we grow apart then that’s fine. But I can’t imagine myself permanently staying with anyone.

Yeah, there's only so many people that I can see myself having lasting relationships with before it also feels suffocating.

[HelloThere]

30 minutes ago, The Newest Fabled Creature said:

Yeah, there's only so many people that I can see myself having lasting relationships with before it also feels suffocating.

It’s strange how I want to have people in my life but I also want to do what I want, but I also just don’t want to be alone. It’s a weird loop in my head and the romantic aspect is just it’s own separate area that I’d rather let collect dust before considering it at all.

[The Newest Fabled Creature]

4 hours ago, HelloThere said:

It’s strange how I want to have people in my life but I also want to do what I want, but I also just don’t want to be alone. It’s a weird loop in my head and the romantic aspect is just it’s own separate area that I’d rather let collect dust before considering it at all.

That's how I feel too fr fr