What made you question(?) if you were aromantic?

[HelloThere]

18 minutes ago, The Newest Fabled Creature said:

That's how I feel too fr fr

It's also nice having someone on here I can relate to down to a deeper level. How old did you say you were? I was just wondering if someone older felt the same way as me.

[The Newest Fabled Creature]

19 minutes ago, HelloThere said:

It's also nice having someone on here I can relate to down to a deeper level. How old did you say you were? I was just wondering if someone older felt the same way as me.

I'm 19 (so not that old despite the fact that I feel old lol), and I also find it cool that there's someone that I can relate to so well on here, too!

[HelloThere]

18 minutes ago, The Newest Fabled Creature said:

I'm 19 (so not that old despite the fact that I feel old lol), and I also find it cool that there's someone that I can relate to so well on here, too!

I’m 15 years old, so it’s always a comfort to see someone of an older age with the same feelings, it makes me more hopeful that it’ll last because if I’m being honest, I really don’t want to love romantically. I don’t see why one would sacrifice so much of themselves for someone else or how that would be the most desirable goal in life for someone. After all if you’re anything but yourself and someone loves you that way, then they probably don’t love you for who you actually are. It just feels strange and rather stupid to fall head over heels for a person that you hardly know. I mean yes I’d sacrifice a great deal to help strangers but not for any romantic reasons, I just take joy in helping others in a time of crisis. Anyway this was a bit of a confession/rant but it’s really how I feel.

[The Newest Fabled Creature]

13 minutes ago, HelloThere said:

I’m 15 years old, so it’s always a comfort to see someone of an older age with the same feelings, it makes me more hopeful that it’ll last because if I’m being honest, I really don’t want to love romantically. I don’t see why one would sacrifice so much of themselves for someone else or how that would be the most desirable goal in life for someone. After all if you’re anything but yourself and someone loves you that way, then they probably don’t love you for who you actually are. It just feels strange and rather stupid to fall head over heels for a person that you hardly know. I mean yes I’d sacrifice a great deal to help strangers but not for any romantic reasons, I just take joy in helping others in a time of crisis. Anyway this was a bit of a confession/rant but it’s really how I feel.

All of that is completely valid, and it's also how I feel about romantic love. I just can't see myself sacrificing so much for someone romantically or centering myself solely onto one person romantically; a person who I'd probably be mostly performing around than genuinely being myself with. I often find it intriguing and fascinating to see romantic relationships in both fiction and real life, from either two alloromantics, or by aro-specs, because it's something I just can't do.

And it does feel rather comforting talking to people who are aro-spec and older. I would say that I started questioning my romantic orientation at the age of 15 and have recently started identifying as aro for a better part of almost two years.

Edit: I know things change, and the future is very uncertain, but I'd be comfortable not ever wanting a romantic relationship or experiencing romantic attraction in the future.

Edited May 29, 2023 by The Newest Fabled Creature

[HelloThere]

8 minutes ago, The Newest Fabled Creature said:

All of that is completely valid, and it's also how I feel about romantic love. I just can't see myself sacrificing so much for someone romantically or centering myself solely onto one person romantically; a person who I'd probably be mostly performing around than genuinely being myself with. I often find it intriguing and fascinating to see romantic relationships in both fiction and real life, from either two alloromantics, or by aro-specs, because it's something I just can't do.

And it does feel rather comforting talking to people who are aro-spec and older. I would say that I started questioning my romantic orientation at the age of 15 and have recently started identifying as aro for a better part of almost two years.

Edit: I know things change, and the future is very uncertain, but I'd be comfortable not ever wanting a romantic relationship or experiencing romantic attraction in the future.

I would be to. I’d rather things go on without that because it makes my actual wants and dreams more visible, and possible. I don’t want an interruption in between that, and I know calling romance an interruption sounds harsh but that’s what it is to me. Every time I see YouTubers with their own group of friends that they just have fun times with and play games and collab with, I’m more reminded that that’s what I’m looking for, because that feels like a far more fulfilling idea. Does that sound childish? Yeah kind of, but that’s what I’d enjoy. People to laugh with, be open with, and spend time with. I don’t want some awkward friendships that sorta just drift apart, I want friends that respect when I need to leave, and welcome me when I come back, and I’d do the same for them. :D

[The Newest Fabled Creature]

1 hour ago, HelloThere said:

I would be to. I’d rather things go on without that because it makes my actual wants and dreams more visible, and possible. I don’t want an interruption in between that, and I know calling romance an interruption sounds harsh but that’s what it is to me. Every time I see YouTubers with their own group of friends that they just have fun times with and play games and collab with, I’m more reminded that that’s what I’m looking for, because that feels like a far more fulfilling idea. Does that sound childish? Yeah kind of, but that’s what I’d enjoy. People to laugh with, be open with, and spend time with. I don’t want some awkward friendships that sorta just drift apart, I want friends that respect when I need to leave, and welcome me when I come back, and I’d do the same for them. :D

I don't see that as inherently childish, and if anything, I see it as beautiful; besides, me being with a group of friends or immediate family members or anything of the sorts, like that as you described, would make me far happier than being in any romantic relationship. I just can't conceive a romantic relationship giving me the same level of happiness I'd feel with a group of people I'm close with platonically. And as you said, I think see my aspirations far more clearer without the weight of having to find a partner (whether I act upon opportunities to fulfill said aspirations is a whole 'nother matter lol).

[Side-note] And what kind of gets at me too, is that when I first started questioning - not necessarily my romantic orientation - but why I haven't been having crushes or "falling in love," I still considered myself able to (so alloromantic) but I didn't want to get into any romantic relationship, or at least not do so at the time, and saw myself as solo anyway. But, yeah it would take a while till I then questioned and made the connection about my aromanticism.

Edited May 30, 2023 by The Newest Fabled Creature

[HelloThere]

27 minutes ago, The Newest Fabled Creature said:

I don't see that as inherently childish, and if anything, I see it as beautiful; besides, me being with a group of friends or immediate family members or anything of the sorts, like that as you described, would make me far happier than being in any romantic relationship. I just can't conceive a romantic relationship giving me the same level of happiness I'd feel with a group of people I'm close with platonically. And as you said, I think see my aspirations far more clearer without the weight of having to find a partner (whether I act upon opportunities to fulfill said aspirations is a whole 'nother matter lol).

[Side-note] And what kind of gets at me too, is that when I first started questioning - not necessarily my romantic orientation - but why I haven't been having crushes or "falling in love," I still considered myself able to (so alloromantic) but I didn't want to get into any romantic relationship, or at least not do so at the time, and saw myself as solo anyway. But, yeah it would take a while till I then questioned and made the connection about my aromanticism.

It just sounds better to me because you’re not alone but you’re also able to be alone when you want to. That balance feels really nice as I’d enjoy it when my “partner” wasn’t at home because then I’d get to do what I like. Sorta like kids when their parents go on a trip and you get to stay home. :D

[The Newest Fabled Creature]

14 hours ago, HelloThere said:

It just sounds better to me because you’re not alone but you’re also able to be alone when you want to. That balance feels really nice as I’d enjoy it when my “partner” wasn’t at home because then I’d get to do what I like. Sorta like kids when their parents go on a trip and you get to stay home. :D

That does sound really nice. Sometimes I seek out my friends because I need their closeness, but for how long I can keep up a social interaction/hanging out with them varies. Not that I don't want to hang out with them all the time, but sometimes I need the opportunity to go back to my "cave"/be withdrawn essentially. Some of that could be just how I function socially normally, but it's how I've always been lmao

Edited May 30, 2023 by The Newest Fabled Creature

[HelloThere]

16 minutes ago, The Newest Fabled Creature said:

That does sound really nice. Sometimes I seek out my friends because I need their closeness, but for how long I can keep up a social interaction/hanging out with them varies. Not that I don't want to hang out with them all the time, but sometimes I need the opportunity to go back to my "cave"/be withdrawn essentially. Some of that could be just how I function socially normally, but it's how I've always been lmao

Yeah, eventually I need some time to just deflate. I may be extroverted but eventually my social battery starts overheating.

[HelloThere]

Also a resource to all the questioning aros out there, this was a quora post that sorta becomes my “comfort list” whenever I start to doubt myself or wonder if I’m somehow faking things. I sorta used it as a list and scientifically assess if any of my opinions actually change at all in this, so far it’s hovering at a 34/40. XD

https://www.quora.com/How-do-you-know-if-you-are-aromantic

[CanadianBird]

After being in my first two real romantic relationships I realized that I felt exhausted, trapped, and suffocated.

Since, well,  forever I've had a terrible habit of romanticizing almost every relationship I've been in. For example I'd think "Hey, this is nice. I wonder what it would be like if they liked me? and do I like them?" constantly asking myself if it was love and then realizing when it actually happened that it was not at all what I wanted.

Also just learning that there was a difference between types of attraction. After reading about aesthetic attraction and going "That! That's exactly it!"

It was very strange to see people together and feel a slight twinge of jealousy, but when I actually experienced it I did not like it at all.

Edited June 1, 2023 by cerimonials

[Poopyguy47]

I watched Jaiden Animation's "Being Not Straight" video and noticed her story was suspiciously similar to my experiences throughout middle and high school

[cabbij]

having "crushes" on everyone

[Alysia]

First I saw Jaiden's video and the aro part of the video I could really connect with, but I think I was too close-minded to actually consider that it might fit me. I think being allosexual obscured the possibility for me, even though the video does briefly mention split attraction.

I forgot about the video, but after I fully realised I was nb, I remembered the it and was like "Oh… that makes sense".

[Zariah]

On 5/31/2023 at 1:02 PM, HelloThere said:

Also a resource to all the questioning aros out there, this was a quora post that sorta becomes my “comfort list” whenever I start to doubt myself or wonder if I’m somehow faking things. I sorta used it as a list and scientifically assess if any of my opinions actually change at all in this, so far it’s hovering at a 34/40. XD

https://www.quora.com/How-do-you-know-if-you-are-aromantic

That is an amazing list. I'll definitely keep it around. :D

[HelloThere]

1 minute ago, Zariah said:

That is an amazing list. I'll definitely keep it around. :D

It’s been insanely useful.

[HelloThere]

On 7/1/2023 at 6:30 PM, cabbij said:

having "crushes" on everyone

And then it just turns out to be aesthetic and platonic attraction. 

[Firebird]

Conversations that went something like:
"Keep your chin up, I'm sure you'll fine someone"
"Actually, I'm not looking for anyone"
confused alloromantic noises

[HelloThere]

7 hours ago, Firebird said:

Conversations that went something like:
"Keep your chin up, I'm sure you'll fine someone"
"Actually, I'm not looking for anyone"
confused alloromantic noises

Or whenever people wonder why I’m not looking for anyone and I’m just like “I’ve got enough friends, so I’m good…” then they just look at me like I’m confused or something. Seriously I don’t see why either romance or sex are really… necessary at all. I mean they sound nice as concepts but I can’t name a single person I’d really want a relationship with as much as just have friends. Like I always used to think “well clearly I’m straight, I can be aroused by the opposite gender.” And then I realize that it’s not actually “attraction” per se.

[Firebird]

1 hour ago, HelloThere said:

Or whenever people wonder why I’m not looking for anyone and I’m just like “I’ve got enough friends, so I’m good…” then they just look at me like I’m confused or something. Seriously I don’t see why either romance or sex are really… necessary at all. I mean they sound nice as concepts but I can’t name a single person I’d really want a relationship with as much as just have friends. Like I always used to think “well clearly I’m straight, I can be aroused by the opposite gender.” And then I realize that it’s not actually “attraction” per se.

Wait, what is the difference between sexual attraction and being sexually aroused by someone?

[HelloThere]

14 minutes ago, Firebird said:

Wait, what is the difference between sexual attraction and being sexually aroused by someone?

Often they describe a slightly different feeling, and it’s almost uncontrollable for plenty of people. Besides, that arousal never really shows up irl for me, and it often has a feeling of desire attached to it. I think it’s partially the actual feeling people describe, and the wanting behind it. Someone would just naturally want to “do the thing” with that person, so if they were repressing, they’d struggle to withhold the wanting. I don’t really “want” anyone, and it’s never actually been about “that thing”. The definition for things is up in the air, but that’s personally how I see it.

[dordor]

i had some kind of feelings for this girl last year and like all the times when i like someone i went and befriended her(very wierd that friendship was the most i wanted from my "crushes"!). from there things went downhill cause you see "she liked me".

i unconsciously tried my best to keep the relationship at friendship. i really liked her but you see my answer to her "i really like you" was "you're my best friend" and when she asked me on a date i just refused.

after a while she said she loved me and i just lost it from there because to me love wasn't the thing she was talking about.

after a few months of misery and feeling bad for my "not being able to love and not even wanting it" i realized i am aro. 

wow this got really long🫢 

[Confused Opossum]

a slow build up of lots of things. the big thing was a “relationship” i had in 7th grade (relationship in quotes bc…. it was middle school, it wasn’t rlly a relationship lmao. it was enough to trigger some aro feelings for me tho) and i was miserable in it. there was nothing wrong with the other person, i even thought i had had a crush on them before the relationship, but just being in (what i perceived as) a romantic relationship caused a dip in my mental health. i broke up with them like a month later and afterwards was completely disinterested in romo relationships. despite that, i still didn’t think i was aro lmao. 

in 9th grade i met this other person who i really liked. they were prob one of the very few people i’ve ever actually had a squish on. i really wanted it to be a romantic crush though, and i tried rlly hard for it to be,, but inside i knew it wasn’t haha. i still didn’t think i was aro😅

oh yeah, when i first learned abt what qprs were i immediately loved the idea of them, and actually asked an aspec person whether allos can be in qprs bc to me that sounded so much better than a romantic relationship

oh god, there were these 2 separate times i thought someone else had a crush on me. and they STRESSED me out. so so much!! i HATED the thought of them crushing on me😅

plus quite a few other things, but eventually i started connecting the dots and after a couple years (or more… not sure) of questioning if i was aro and doubting myself a lot, i finally just accepted it and started labeling as aro, and as soon as i did it felt so freeing and incredible! 

[CatNap]

Not able to understand the concept of wtf romantic attraction is and if I experience it or not. For the life of me I can't understand romantic attraction, even after having it explained, since there are so many different ways it is defined. Never feeling I fit into other romantic orientations, and the aro/aro-spec community offers a sense of fitting in. Sharing experiences that are common with aro-spec individuals. Genuinely wtf is a romantic attraction and how do I know I exeperience it? I guess Wtfromantic fits me well. ^^"

[Pony5005]

I was never exposed to the LGBTQ community growing up. So I lived as a straight girl. Once I hit 13-14 and then the pandemic began I found out about the gays. I came across aromanticism but I didnt understand it at that age.

I was also dating a guy at that time. I thought I truly loved him but I didn't at the same time. Sure I found him attractive and I did like his company and wanted a more platonic relationship with him. I almost never had any romantic feelings for him. It felt like an obligation. "If you didn't do it, he'll leave you to the dust." I was more afraid of being abandoned than loving him.

I feel guilty for being selfish and only worry about my fear. He's a good guy. Now he's happy with his new girlfriend which he deserves. I'm older now and I understand aromanticism. I realized this.

I also never really had a crush. I just found people pretty or attractive making me think I had a crush on them but really I didn't. Maybe I just didn't want to face the fact I'm aromantic. But now I am. Sure I'm pretty sad but at the same time I know who I am. Which makes me happy.