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About nisse

  • Birthday 03/12/1996

Personal Information

  • Name
  • Orientation
    aro (non-SAM)
  • Gender
    genderqueer man
  • Pronouns
    any except she/her
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  1. no, not really, not significantly more than allos. obviously this'll be a personal anecdote, but i for one love hanging out with people, and spending time with my friends. i do also enjoy complete alone time for a few days, but then i can feel myself get lonely and antsy, and i'm not a particularly outgoing person.
  2. -The Terror (2018). Main cast is overwhelmingly male, as it is about the 1840 Franklin Expedition in the Arctic, but there are two prominent gay relationships, and flashbacks to Crozier's failed courting of Sophia Cracroft, which emphasizes the character's where any romantic relationship is never mentioned. -Black Sails (2014) is full of complicated relationships. Romantic, platonic, platonic soulmates who have sex, triads. One of the main characters is heavily implied to be aroace. They really capture the messiness and complexity of actual human relationships, which are rarely as simple as we'd like to think. The platonic/sexual soulmates situation mentioned is my favourite, between Anne Bonny and Jack Rackham. They have sex, but she says as clearly as she can in 1700s speak: "Like we was two halves of the same thing. I can't be your wife, Jack. But you and I are gonna be partners till they put us in the fucking ground." Anne also has a romantic and sexual relationship with Max, another woman; Jack has no one, and is not seen as lesser for it. -Nausicaä of the Valley of the Wind, unless I severely misremember it hah. -the 1984 Granada TV adaption of Sherlock Holmes, depending on how you read Holmes and Watson of course. That adaption is the only one I've seen so far which actually does Irene Adler justice, and they did away with Watson's two wives.
  3. up to the people in the relationship :)
  4. Aro-allo, or aromantic asexual, is using what is known as SAM. SAM stands for Split Attraction Model: so you can have romantic attractions and sexual attractions (and many more besides), and they do not necessarily overlap. Ace-allo also exist: someone who is asexual and alloromantic. So: Aromantic Asexual: Does not experience romantic OR sexual attraction Aromantic Allosexual: Does not experience romantic attraction, DOES experience sexual attraction. They may be hetero, homo, bi, or any other sexual orientation. Alloromantic Asexual: Experiences romantic attraction, does NOT experience sexual attraction. They, too, may be hetero, homo, bi, or any other romantic orientation. This is a bit simplified (there are tons of combinations, and of course there is the fact that aromantic and asexual are also umbrella terms for the spectrum within), but largely how SAM is used. Not everyone uses SAM for themselves - largely people whose attractions match up, e.g. homosexual and homoromantic, but also people like me who just use aromantic as their whole identity. I hope this made some sense!
  5. "allo" is the opposite of "a(-sexual/-romantic)". so someone who is aro-allo is aromantic and allosexual! it serves the same function as cis for trans (someone who is cis is not trans). and a squish is a term we use which is similar to a crush, but it's platonic. when you meet someone who is extremely cool and you really want to be their friend (to put it very simply, hah).
  6. Oh, tons of us love fictional romance! Me included. I've written a fair amount myself too. Like Angrboda above there, there are aspects I get and aspects I don't. Typically, for me, I don't get the drama of it - i remember friends in middle & high school used to say stuff like "it's called a crush because it crushes you", and I just thought that sounded a bit dramatic. it's why i like it in fiction, i think. the spectacle is fun! it's not so fun when it's assumed that everyone experiences it. (and, of course, I'm very happy for friends who are happy in their romantic relationships. i do like seeing people happy (: ) But yeah - there is no one way to be aro. literally the only requirement is a lack of romantic attraction! A lot of us tend to talk about being confused by alloros on here because it's such a relief to be able to talk about it with others who both understand, and won't assume you're being snide about someone's lived experiences.
  7. aroallos are fucking excellent, the absolute backbone of the community it feels like sometimes

    i'm a wee bit tipsy but i mean it with all my bones

    1. Show previous comments  2 more
    2. MulticulturalFarmer


      Ok, just out of curiosity, can you be aro-allo if you are sexually fluid (sometimes demi and sometimes more allo?) Or is there a different term for that?

    3. nisse


      @MulticulturalFarmer i'm not sure i'm the right person to ask, but in general i live by the rule if it fits i sits. if you feel comfortable being aro-allo, then yeah go ahead!

      and remember, allo is less of an identity and more of a convenient way do describe not aro/not ace (in this case, of course, not ace). 

    4. boba


      @MulticulturalFarmer tbh, imo I think so??? I'm aro-allo and tbh I think labels are your own! so if u think its applicable, then sure!

  8. i'm "properly" out (actually stated in words "i am aromantic") to a few of friends, three offline and several online. otherwise, like a few others in this thread, i don't bring it up unless specifically asked, especially if i don't know the person. i've gotten questions like "are you a lesbian" to which i mostly wobble my head and say i'm queer (which i am! lol). coming out is a constant thing anyway, in a cisheteronormative world, especially with amatonormativity thrown in. so i don't really consider myself "in the closet" - i'm in the closet about my gender, but not my orientation - a lot of the time i just don't think it's the business of the other person hah. and on a pure personal level i hate how i feel like i'm attention seeking by coming out deliberately - took me aaaages to come out to my friends who i trust 100%, purely because it felt like i was doing a "pay attention to me now! look at me!". which is a personal issue, really.
  9. Welcome! I've mostly found folks in here to be very kind about labels, at most curious/unknowledgable about them, and willing to listen and learn :) I'm surprised you remember all of yours! I don't mean that in a cruel way at all - i know for sure lots of microlabels would fit me well, I just genuinely cannot keep track of many. I've often found a label and thought "oh that's me!" and then just,,, forgotten it,,,, i've questions, about your genderfluidity: do you always know which you feel like/are, or does it take you a little while? and does it change from day to day, week to week, hour to hour? i'm very curious and fascinated by genderfluidity! i think technically i could be genderfluid, but i feel too comfortable just being genderqueer to look to much into it for myself ^^"
  10. It doesn't quite work in English, but when we were wee we would always sing "Now you're married, you can regret all you want because now you're married" to the tunes of the wedding march (i translated that poorly, good lord. for anyone who knows the language: "Nå erru gift, nå erru gift, nå kan du angre for nå erru gift"), which put a grim twist to it i think. mostly it came from kids bored at weddings hah. It's not quite a song i hate, but lyrically I always liked Hey There Delilah a lot better when I imagined Delilah as his young daughter he was far away from, instead of his romantic interest. It doesn't work with all the lyrics, but overall i find the idea of a father sending his daughter songs he wrote and recorded for her while he's away a lot sweeter than the actual song. some of the wording just irks me? like "And we'll just laugh along because we know/That none of them have felt this way". alright dude, your feelings aren't superior.
  11. There's a lot of possibilities here, and of course only you know the truth. You might be craving a QPR (queer-platonic relationship), or something similar. A deep bond with this person, without making it romantic in nature. Maybe you're experiencing a squish? You're grey-ro, or demi-romantic! Worth looking into I definitely get not wanting to hurt them, especially if you are unsure if these feelings might fade overtime, or you misinterpreted them. I'm glad you don't want to treat them as your test subject. The best way to avoid this is simply to be open with them! If it feels safe, tell them how you feel, and that you feel confused and don't want to hurt them. Maybe they would be willing to try something, fully with the knowledge that it may not develop into anything romantic? Maybe they're willing to try a QPR?
  12. i believe squishes and crushes are similar in that way, they have the same "purpose" kind of? not quite the word i'm looking for, but. for me, squishes have always faded as soon as we become friends/close in some way, or they've faded naturally if the person is no longer in my life. i believe it's similar with crushes, because having a crush =/= being in love, y'know? crushes and squishes can be a bit intense, while if you become closer that fades into a more comfortable love. which isn't worse or better than the squish, you're just in a different state of being. sometimes i've had squishes on people i really wouldn't fit with - they've usually only lasted a day or so, and they really made me question my orientation because they felt so intense and out of left field! it's only happened once or twice, though. all that said, a squish is not a required step before a friendship/QPR/what have you, in the same way a crush isn't before a romantic relationship. your squishes could also be informed by different attractions, without making them non-platonic. i see you're aroace, but i do know allo-aros who experience sexual attraction but still wouldn't label their attraction as anything but platonic. sexual AND platonic, you feel? in that way, maybe your squishes are informed by an aesthetic or sensual attraction, but still platonic.
  13. 5-19. This was a hard one though, as I didn't know about "squish" for a long time and assumed it's just how people experience a precursor to friendship. I'm kinda wondering if 0-4 would be more accurate, oops. it's also been so long since i last had a squish, for uuuh several reasons, i've kind of forgotten how it feels?? weird. 1-4 weeks. Again, hard to determine, but in my experience my squishes have faded as soon as we are friends, or if we never hang out regularly (not hang out as in, we plan and meet up on purpose. Being at the same party, e.g., and talking while there also counts). The squish fading when we are friends doesn't mean I don't want to be their friend anymore, btw. it's just that initial "aaah they're so cool i wanna hang out with them always!!" intense feeling fades, and i settle into a more comfortable "we're friends :) that's so nice" state. Squishes on different genders feel different. BUT, this has less to do with attraction, and more to do with society. I'm afab, and very much still gets read as a woman in my day-to-day, and have for a long time had a hard time making friends with men - not because of anything the men i get squishes on do, or how they act, but just because of a good mix of amatonormativity and heteronormativity I've a crippling fear that any affection I show will be interpreted as flirting. This hasn't happened yet (i hope - no one has told me they thought i flirted with them, anyway), but the fear is there. Because of that the squishes feel different. That said though, there is an element of attraction/orientation in there as well. My squishes are often heavily informed by sensual and aesthetic attraction, and I've definitely experienced some kind of weak sexual or romantic attraction (just never enough to bother with any other ID than aro). What attracts me in women vs men vs nb, masc vs fem vs GNC, all that good fun stuff, is definitely different and not equal across the line. that was a too long answer i feel, haha. i mostly tried to parse through my own thoughts here, as i haven't really thought much about this before!
  14. nisse

    Am I aro or demi?

    Keep in mind that wanting to be in a conventional romantic relationship is different from experiencing romantic attraction! It sounds to me like you've never experience that, in which case aromantic would fit best. But as Holmbo says, demi goes under the umbrella!
  15. ooh i just read the Circle by Dave Eggers (good book, but unfortunately already irrelevant kind of? ending was good), and the MC has two romantic interestests that are both.... meh. I couldn't decide if I didn't like how it was written because of my orientiation, so I just didn't click with it even though I've enjoyed plenty of fictional romantic plots in the past, or if Eggers just cannot convincingly write that kind of relationship. I've landed on the latter, it veered into "men writing women" too much. (that said though, he doesn't really for the rest of the books! besides that plot point, his female characters are solid and well written. no "boobily breasted down the stairs" lol).
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