Are you afraid of people loving you?

[.CORALINE.]

Hey there, I have a question for y'all just to try understand if I'm the only one feeling it.

I know some aros are in relationships (no matter if romantic, QPR or other) with allos that feel actual romantic feelings for them. For me it's a little scary, especially when they express their love and I know I can't love them back in the same way. Also I feel a little uncomfortable.

How about you? What are yor feelings when someone is in lpve with you?

[MondoBilby]

As far as I'm aware, nobody has ever been in love with me, but if someone was I would feel extremely uncomfortable and grossed out by it, and I'd probably want to hide in my room lol. I also really hope no one ever has a crush on me because I'd feel really bad telling them I don't feel the same way.

[TrueEvergreen]

Honestly, I'm kinda split on this topic

On one hand, I would dislike it if I knew someone had a crush on me, then it would just feel really awkward especially since I wouldn't be able to reciprocate those feelings. 

On the other hand, it would be good to at least know that there is someone who legitimately enjoys my company, even though I would only be able to like them platonically. 

So it would just be really confusing and I'm glad that no one (that I know of) has a crush on me

[Mult]

100% yes. It feels like they have expectations of me and desires about me that are out of my control. I feel like I need to get away from it because I fear that they won't actually take "no" for an answer and I don't know when they will try pushing boundaries as has happened to me in the past. I can't trust people who say they are interested in me sexually/romantically; whatever they do after telling me feels like they have ulterior motives.

[Kristoph]

I'm not, because I know nobody would be even interested in me.

[Picklethewickle]

I wouldn't say afraid, but definitely creeped out and uncomfortable. I've had a few situations where people seemed to expect something from me, without actually saying what they wanted, and then they got mad at me when nothing happened. (Come on people, you didn't even tell me what was going on with you. You're just going around getting mad about your own thoughts and feelings.) The whole thing was unhappy all around.

[Neon]

I'm romance averse (uncomfortable with romantic feelings directed at me). But I also just worry I hurt people when I reject them.

[AroAceGamer]

I'm kinda romance - repulsed, so yes. But even saying anything like 'I love you' (even platonically) makes me feel uncomfortable, so I think that if anybody was to like me I would probably hide in my bedroom in the dark. My motto in life is 'why fall in love when you could fall down the stairs' becuase honestly falling down the stairs is the better option for me :)

[Rook on the Hook]

It's complicated, but overall, yes. In abstract I like the idea of people finding me attractive, because I am not immune to the cultural brainworms telling us all that our worth is tied up in our desirability as romantic and/or sexual partners, but every time it actually happens I hate every second of navigating it. It's virtually always messy, and I've lost too many friends to confessions of true love to feel anything but dread when people I care about confess romantic feelings towards me. And that's not even touching on people who don't actually take no for an answer...

[Wombat]

(I haven't really thought about this before to be honest) but I think yes I would be. In my opinion romance in general is really unnecessary and quite disgusting, and although I would never actually say that to anyone out loud I would be a bit panicked if someone said they loved me because I wouldn't want to hurt their feelings but I would probably also feel kinda sick at the thought of them loving me romantically. 

[あおくん]

yes, because i always feel bad turning people down since i know what they want doesn't really match up with what i do want for myself. i'm flattered that they like me to the point of being romantically attractive to them but at the end of the day, i do get put off when someone starts to take interest in me in that way & it's much more worse when i also sense that they find me sexually appealing as well. i wish i was the oblivious type when people start taking interest in me in that way but i very easily sense these things very quickly which can sort of put me in an iffy situation, if i'm gonna be honest.

i was lucky enough that the only person that confessed to me so far in my life was understanding of my aro identity since they already have a basic understanding of aromanticism since they're asexual themselves although not aro, so they've dabbled in those stuff a bit as well. 

[A User]

i've always hated turning people down, im a bit of a people pleaser

i really hate knowing people have or will like me like that because i don't do that sorta thing so it's weird to say "oh wait you like me THAT way? lemme just *runs*"

[Holmbo]

I'm not afraid of it but I'm not interested in having a romantic relationship. So it's more then unmatched desires than the feeling that would repuls me.

[Rinpochard]

I have never been confessed to. Honestly, if someone did see me romantically and I knew, it'd make me uncomfortable

[R_1]

Not an aro here, but, yes I am. I do gain attraction when someone is into me, slowly like 1-2 years. I like it when I'm in my aro state though.

[ASailorStub]

I do believe that none of my peers have actually developed romantic feelings for me but I actually enjoy the idea. Not because I actually want to be in a romantic relationship with anyone but because that may be a good way for me to actually form good friendships or alterous connections should that person be able to handle rejection. I used to run through a scenario in my head of someone in school confessing to me and me slowly talking them into a private area, trying to let them know I’m not interested gently, and explaining to them that I would be absolutely elated to have them as a friend however. I originally went through this simulation in order to judge my feelings about rejecting friends, classmates, anyone. It helped me scope out my feelings and understand how I felt towards others. I am just now so engrossed with that option despite its one-in-a-trillion chance that I find myself okay with someone being attracted to me romantically. 

[Armored frog]

someone had a crush on me, but was really bad at communicating it, i waited till i was a 100% sure she had a crush on me before turning her down (bad idea, i should have done it way sooner) 

i really hate the thought of someone being interested in me like that, but in reality i wasnt that uncomfortable with it, i just found it extremely awkward to reject her.

[Collie]

Honestly.... really depends. There are certain people I almost want them to be in love with me because I'm attached to them. The idea of getting extra attention from them is appealing, even if I don't return the feelings romantically.

But, in general..... it's awkward. Like.... shoot your shot. I admire your bravery. I had someone ask me out once. It was.... super awkward. I applaud him for puting himself out there, but.... well. We never got over the awkward after that.

[Raider]

To be honest yes, mostly because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings... I don't want to see them with a sad face. But I can't do anything to control them, unfortunately. But loving in a friends or family bonding way, then I will always accept it!

[roboticanary]

nah, I'm chill

and anyway, I'm a grumpy git and I have a body like a sack of mash potato, if anyone does fall in love with me thats their problem to solve.

 

[tiger_hoods12]

Hi, y’all! Long story short, yes, I am afraid of people loving me for two reasons and two reasons only. One, I am emotionally unavailable due to the intense amount of baggage that I have gotten. So even when platonic friends tell me they love me, not only does it make me uncomfortable, but I also don’t believe it. I’ve got my own issues I got to work through. Other reason is, of course, the fact that I am greyromantic and my concept of love is all over the place. I can’t always experience it the same way others do and certainly not as often. So the chances of me feeling the same way towards someone else romantically speaking is VERY rare. Rejecting people is very hard and awkward, since you don’t want them to feel bad, but you gotta break the news to them.

Edited August 10 by tiger_hoods12

[Qiri]

I'm married (sexual romantic partner) and I sometimes feel bad that I'm not good enough at loving him. I love him, but I sometimes feel that he loves me more since he's romantic. He knows I love him and I'm aroace*, and that's okay with him, but I do have moments where I feel bad. Like I'm not able to give him enough.

* still somewhat questioning on the aro part, but I'm pretty sure

Edited August 5 by Qiri

[The Newest Fabled Creature]

For me personally, I feel this aversion to just the mere idea of someone loving me romantically (especially if I know them very well) and I also tend to feel awful for the fact that I can't reciprocate any romantic feelings when someone confesses to me. I had entered a QPR back in high school - I think because the person who proposed it to me probably felt romantic attraction towards me, and although they never once brought that up in order to make me feel comfortable, I feel bad sometimes thinking back on the relationship knowing that they couldn't even tell me they had a crush on me; despite the fact that they were accommodating me and constantly reminded me they didn't mind doing so at all, I still think I could've done more in performing romantically for them. But, that's the thing. I realized I was performing for them and never felt comfortable by what we were doing (as in the dates we would go on, etc), and once I realized I was averse to even QPRs, I had to break it off with them and come out as non-partnering in that way. I don't think I was ready for the QPR to begin with, if I had to be honest with myself, but I said yes because it was a spur of the moment thing from my ex-partner and I didn't feel like disappointing them, since at the time they were a good friend of mine. I do know for certain though, that a QPR isn't something for me much like romantic relationships, because the aspect of it still being a committed relationship on its own rings my aversion bell. But, I often do ask myself that if my ex-partner was aro/arospec would it have made me feel just as uncomfortable as I was? I definitely feel like over time I would've still have ended the relationship, because permanent singlehood is now a goal of mine, but I probably would've existed a lot more comfortably.

Edited September 6 by The Newest Fabled Creature

[DeltaAro]

I'm a non-partnering aro. Though the people who like QPRs clearly see an important difference to RRs, and I absolutely don't want to invalidate their feelings, I, personally, don't really see one. I still like to be platonically loved, seems like the best thing ever. 💚

So, romantic love, I don't react well to it. I feel I get a blue screen in my brain, if somebody tries to aggressively romantically approach me. While it only happened rarely that people made an obvious move on me because it were usually girls and then women, who behave more subtly, and you just can play dumb / ignore. But even that I found a bit awkward. And when it took me off guard (me eating my McPlant at 11 pm, in an empty McDonald's ... ❤️ ❤️ 🫥), I wasn't very nice in my rejection. 😔

For a long time, I couldn't really articulate why it felt so weird.

Since alloromantics live and feel romance, they usually possess a very natural, intuitively persuasive mental model of romance that it is like puzzle parts fitting together (common refrigerator magnet motive). BTW, that model even works for polyamory, where it just would be multiple puzzle pieces.

Now I once read about Krishna, the Hindu god (also starring in the Bhagavad-gītā), that "Krishna's name means 'the all-attractive one'. He attracts everyone, like a magnet attracts iron. He is absolutely charming and perfect, physically and spiritually. No one can withstand him."

And that describes the way I intuitively felt about romance, which usually includes feelings of adoration of the person they crush on, and the crush being exceptional. So if someone was romantically attracted to me, I just think:

"Why? What's so special about me, of all people? How did you delude yourself that I'm perfect? OK, that's scary. Seriously, stop it."

Alloromantics never feel that way, since they intuitively understand that just because you romantically attract some people, you don't attract them all, so it feels more natural and less like some strange God-like power to them.

[SkyTuneRein]

Afraid? No, not really.

Suspicious? Maybe.