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Would you get married?


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1 hour ago, Themathlover said:

I don't know if alloromantics feel the same about it, but the value attributed to marriage in secular societies by atheist people has always left me perplex. If you're not in any religion and don't believe that marriage is a sacred command, then, what's so special in it ?

I think that it became part of the culture because of religion, but as part of the culture it kept the same ideal aspect and remained important for atheist people ? I know that my (french, atheist) parents married to get things easier for kids and have a reason to gather both friends and family in a big party. 

 

As for me, I don't think I would marry because it's a nonsense social construct, and also because even if I want to get really close friends, I don't want to have one special one, so marrying just one person would make no sense. Also even if polygamy was legal (and marrying multiple people), I wouldn't want to sign a contract to state of my friendships, because my friends are more than just a sheet of paper. So yeah. No marriage for me, at all.

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From your French pseudo Atypique, I can tell that you are French, so, I will write my respond in Français.

24 minutes ago, Atypique said:

I wouldn't want to sign a contract to state of my friendships, because my friends are more than just a sheet of paper. So yeah. No marriage for me, at all.

Je te suis complètement sur ce point, c'est ce que j'ai d'ailleurs essayé de laisser transparaître dans ma publication plus haut. Puisque le mariage, civil du moins, n'a plus de réelle valeur, je n'arrive pas à me défaire de l'idée qu'ériger celui-ci en la plus grande preuve d'amour possible est mauvais pour l'amour lui-même : cela voudrait donc dire qu'un contrat légal purement administratif entre deux personnes qui s'aiment et décident de s'unir signifie plus que deux personnes non mariées qui s'aiment tout autant. L'amour réside-t-il vraiment dans des bouts de papier, comme tu l'as toi-même dit ? Je ne suis pas sûre, en tout cas, il y a vraiment matière à réfléchir, à mon sens, sur le rapport à l'amour dans nos sociétés modernes. Je ne sais pas si le fait d'être quelque part sur le spectre aromantique permet en général de mieux cerner les contradictions des structures alloromantiques, mais je crois bien que la communauté aromantique a clairement quelque chose à apporter aux institutions traditionnelles romantiques. Peut-être pouvons-nous la parfaire, la questionner, la compléter ? En tout cas, quelles que soient les raisons de notre existence (biologiques, sociales, psychologiques, neurologiques...), je ne pense pas que notre différence par rapport à la majorité soit une fin en soi, mais que nous avons un rôle à jouer nous aussi. Nous ne sommes pas "inutiles" et "bizarres". Il me semble qu'il existe une théorie similaire en ce qui concerne le neuroatypisme, une théorie qui suggère qu'il ne s'agirait pas d'une défaillance ou d'une chose "atypique", mais que ce serait simplement une autre manière de fonctionner aussi acceptable qu'un trait de caractère inégalement réparti au sein de la population, comme l'introversion, qui est certes moins répandue que son opposée, l'extraversion, mais n'a jamais été considérée comme une défaillance pour autant. Tout dépendrait alors de la manière dont la majorité perçoit les minorités, et ce par un processus de socialisation axé sur ce qui paraît au premier abord comme le plus naturel au monde. Quelque part, c'est compréhensible, et je ne crois pas qu'il faille jeter la faute sur les autres. L'hétérosexualité et l'amour entre deux personnes est un comportement typique de nombreuses espèces qui assure la survie, la perpétuation et la stabilisation d'un groupe. Mais cela veut-il automatiquement dire que toutes celles et ceux sortant de ces "normes" sont "défaillants" ? Je pense que c'est un raccourci très grossier, car les relations et sexualités humaines dépassent largement le cadre de la reproduction, reste à savoir pourquoi et quel équilibre sont censées apporter ces minorités à notre espèce. Or, tant que les gens resteront coincés dans leurs stéréotypes, leur rejet et leur ignorance, plutôt que de s'ouvrir à la recherche, ce travail sera bien difficile. Je ne me souviens plus du nom de cette théorie, mais je l'avais trouvée intéressante, elle fait écho à mon expérience de fille quoiromantique et hétérosexuelle, car j'ai moi-même dû faire face à beaucoup de stigmatisation voire discrimination en raison de ma "différence".

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Nah, I didn't really get the purpose of marriage even when I was allo. It was probably for a lot of reasons aside from general disinterest in the idea: didn't like the sexism tied to it and generally didn't understand why anyone wanted it, but it probably mainly had to do with the marriage that my parents role modeled for me, which was...not great, to say the least. Not even the idea of tax benefits has been enough to ever draw me around to the idea of marriage. Just too messy. Even if I was into partnering, it would just make potential separation that much harder.

For interests sake, my allo sister also has negative interest in getting married. The most her and her partner might do is a surprise "love ceremony" that's like a wedding ceremony but without any of the legal bonding.

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Maybe, for logistical reasons. If I'm raising kids with someone, I'd like for us to be married so that custody is more secure, and I could see myself being interested in raising kids with a QPP. Similiarly, if a QPP and I decide to combine finances or buy a house or smth, I'd want us to be married for that. I would not marry an alloro person, though.

I like the idea of a life partner, so long as it isn't romantic. And if I have a life partner, marriage gives us a lot of legal rights that are important to me.

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20 hours ago, Themathlover said:

I don't know about the US and else in the world, but as a French person, I don't see many legal benefits from civil marriage.

I can think about at least one : one of my colleague only had the mutation she was asking cause she benefited from "rapprochement de conjoint", something only available for people who are either married or pacsed (something specific to France I think, that was originally created for gay couples when they couldn't get married, so they can benefit from the same couple advabtages that marriage gave; but straight couples used it too and gay couples continue even if they can get married now, cause it not as formal as a marriage). Considering how hard it is to get the mutation you want in National Education, that's a big advantage. Seriously, depending on where you want to go, it can take years. Being married helps a lot.

I also heard the story of someone : her boyfriend was at the hospital in a very bad state, but she couldn't see him cause they weren't married, despite being a couple for 10 years !

 

But ironically, there are also some advantages to not be married. For instance, there were discussions about changing a law because it causes divorces : if you were unable to work cause of a disability, you don't get the allocation if your spouse is working (or something like that), so some people were getting divorced but were still a romantic couple !

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19 hours ago, Themathlover said:

Je ne me souviens plus du nom de cette théorie, mais je l'avais trouvée intéressante, elle fait écho à mon expérience de fille quoiromantique et hétérosexuelle, car j'ai moi-même dû faire face à beaucoup de stigmatisation voire discrimination en raison de ma "différence".

Très intéressante théorie, bien qu'elle aille bien plus loin que le simple sujet du mariage.

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If I found a QPR or friend who wanted to, 100% absolutely. It would be convenient, have legal advantages, and tie us together in a way that would be really great for me (since I have a bit of a fear of abandonment). Only if we'd talked it through first though, and I wouldn't want a wedding (too romantic-coded). Ideally we would exchange rings, sign the paperwork, and live together, and that would be that

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  • 2 weeks later...

I'm still on the fence. If there were enough benefits I might, just to be financially smart (And also be undercover in society and pretend I am an allo). 

I'm more of the type to focus on myself, and I don't have many friends in the first place, so I don't know if I will ever feel like marriage is even necessary.

Definitely something to think about though. There is a big stigma against being unmarried in society, so I assume many people will "pity" me if I don't get married, which I find strange.

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No. Relationships are something I don't want, and something I want to get out of just as soon as I enter them. Marriage... Well, that's something I can't quite imagine. That's something I don't quite want, despite my family wanting me to. There are many reasons, however. 

Another reason: Seriously? No. Ick. 

 

Edited by The Lost One
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  • 1 month later...

By preference, I don't want to, because committing to someone for life like that just sounds like a bad idea. I wouldn't want others to think I'm romantically involved with them either. If I don't get married, I'll be bombarded with the pressure to; and if I am married, I'll be bombarded with questions about when we started dating, how we met, etc. Frankly, the former sounds more tolerable, though I haven't experienced it much as I'm not of average marriage age yet, so I'll see. There's also the factor of societal benefits (tax, medical, financial, adopting, etc.) I'm not entirely sure how advantageous these will be with what I want in my future life, so I'll see about that too. If I find myself struggling without these benefits I'll find another aro to marry, but I hope I can do without that.

I'll never marry for the romance of it. Thought of it makes me sick.

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Actually, lemme rethink this because I dunno if marriage actually works for me. If your aro like me you value your freedom to be around more than one person without judgement. I would never get married if the two of us cannot agree to allow other people in our lives.
 

If we cannot agree to relationship anarchy and a sense of polygamy then definitely no. 

The trick would be finding someone you believe you would likely spend most if not all of your life with… Although marriage reeks of monogamy and to even think about singling somebody out from others puts a sour taste in my mouth. I saw many others in the replies with similar sentiments.
 

To have a special friend just feels off putting. Marriage feels like a lottery, to think that throughout marriage the two shall grow and change together compatibly despite changing interests, personalities, and beliefs.  Quite a naive pipe dream in my view. For the monogamous people who stay together for life, happily that is, well that seems damn well difficult. Life long monogamous types have something special considering the divorce rate.

Basically the nature of monogamy, and the fact people often change and may become incompatible or apathetic gives me ample reason to doubt marriage even if I got a lot of goodies. The long story short, Its going to be trickier than I naively thought just moments ago.

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  • 2 weeks later...

i wouldnt want to because my mind puts it as i would be trapped. it would be uncomfortable as well because i dont really like the idea of being in a relationship would be uncomfortable to me.

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1 minute ago, gay vermin boi said:

i wouldnt want to because my mind puts it as i would be trapped. it would be uncomfortable as well because i dont really like the idea of being in a relationship would be uncomfortable to me.

Yeah, I’d be platonically married but no religious processions or anything, just for tax reasons. It’d not be something I want to be stuck in and could be called off fast. But yeah, I’d KIND OF be ok with that.

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I am married and have been for nearly four years, and it’s the happiest part of my life. My husband and I do everything together, and I love him so much, more than anything. My love for him transcends anything romantic. Being married is a dream come true. I would never marry anyone else besides him, though. 

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