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hemogoblin's Achievements


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  1. Having heavy Feels regarding people around me in committed romantic relationships. This is new to me. A lot of my friends got married in their early 20s, and it didn't impact me at all. But now an author I've met that I was part of the fanbase community for a while got married and my sister is giving her girlfriend a promise ring, and I feel... Left out? Left behind? Like an afterthought? Undeserving? I don't know why or where these feelings are coming from, and that bothers me. D|

    1. SkyTuneRein


      I know the feelings. I'm also curious to how people would treat me if I was to get married and have children, such as try to interact with me more and with more respect and patience just as they do with my sister, who's much more cantankerous than me and less achieving and ambitious.

  2. Another re-watch, another forgotten aro headcanon: Kronk from Emperor's New School/Emperor's New Groove! Probably also ace but for sure aro. Spinach puffs >>> romance
  3. (They also think he's gay because of the offscreen the director statement confirming it, but I think this is just yet another example of how queer coding isn't black and white and queer people ofc relate their own experiences on the few meager character scraps we get.) Aroace Gobber sounds just as wonderful to me as gay Gobber or bi Gobber!
  4. Not in a place emotionally or mentally to deal with any level of nitpicking. My social outlets are rapidly shrinking. Thanks, depression.

  5. I guess it's perception, not intent, that matters, but I don't find what I said contradictory. "We don't define attraction based (purely) off of genitalia" is not inherently at odds with "genitalia can play a part of your attraction". Sorry that was confusing.
  6. No one I know has to see someone naked in order to be sexually attracted to them. And you cannot assume you know someone's genitalia if you haven't seen it. Sexual attraction is based on SO MUCH (aesthetics, symmetricality, pheromones/smell, fashion, makeup, hair, style, body type,, etc.). Genitalia can - and for many does - absolutely play into all of that, but it's merely a part of a bigger concept. It does the entire concept and everyone who feels it a disservice to pretend it's based purely on genitalia. A focus/concentration on genitalia only would be a philia or fetish.
  7. Hi, BigWoofEh! I like the username! This is a hard one to get a grasp on because you don't really talk a lot about what you think you may be feeling that is or isn't romantic attraction. Based on what you said here, it could easily be a fear or lack of desire to commit or simply being not yet ready to commit. It could also just be the natural course of these relationships that they were better in the "honeymoon phase" but once that passed, you realized you weren't really attracted to them (anymore) or happy with them once things settled. And, you could of course be arospec in addition to either or both of these. You're here for a reason, though. Have you checked out the threads Early Signs You Were Aro or You Might Be Aro If...? How about any of the links in this semi-masterpost about how others figured out they were aro and signs that you might be aro? I would also even suggest looking through the Carnival of Aros posts. One topic you might find particularly interesting is Relationships or even the Love topic. Do you connect with the things you read in those links? How about identifying as aromantic - how does the thought of doing so make you feel? Do you think that identifying as aromantic would help you in any way? Would it help you communicate your feelings to others? Or how about to connect with others who have similar feelings/experiences as you? If you answered positively or in an affirmative way to any of those questions, then that's a good sign that you're aro!
  8. Since this thread has been bumped, I have to chime in. Genitalia is not "male" or "female". It can be external or internal - or both, even. Gendering genitalia like this is cisnormative and even transphobic. (I understand why you went with these descriptions, it's a common thing to do - but it has implications that aren't great.) Attraction is not based off of what genitalia you enjoy/prefer/have a fetish or philia for. We define attraction based off of gender (and to imply that genitalia defines gender is definitely transphobic). You can find someone or parts of people aesthetically pleasing without being sexually attracted to them. You can certainly have sex with people without being sexually attracted to them as well. The answer to your question lies here: "Only sexually attracted to women". That's what sexual attraction is based off of. Who (not what!) you are/can be sexually attracted to. I see your profile lists you as "female", so it sounds like - from that quote alone - you're an (aro) lesbian. However, caveat - as aepaex said, if the label bisexual is in any way useful to you and you want to use it, then it sounds like you're bisexual! If you want sexual relationships with men as well as women, regardless of who you're attracted to, then bisexual would indeed be a useful label. This seems like a good point to throw in my usual spiel: labels are not some predetermined answer to who you are. They are for us and we should use whatever label(s) make us happy/comfortable, whatever label(s) we actually want to use, and/or whatever label(s) helps us communicate how we feel/what we want to others. I know that seems a bit contradictory. I'm happy to try and talk about it more in depth if you want.
  9. I'm not sure if maybe you have a history of manipulation and that's why you're worried that simply honestly communicating with someone you're in a relationship with would be manipulative, but I have a feeling this might be stemming from the abusive, harmful lies that so many exclusionists spread that being aro/ace is somehow inherently abusive. Let me be clear: your identity is not abusive/manipulative!!! It's just your identity. It's not manipulative to be in a romantic relationship while aromantic. It's not manipulative to be in a romantic relationship and realize that you're aromantic. As for not hurting her: you cannot control other people's feelings. If she's hurt by your truth, then she's hurt by your truth. If she needs time to process, she needs time to process. If she's happy and comfortable, she's happy and comfortable. The unfortunate truth is that even if we're not doing something purposefully hurtful or malicious, people's feelings can be hurt. We just have to accept that people have their feelings and are allowed to feel them. No, it doesn't feel great to hurt someone, especially when you specifically don't want to, but you aren't doing anything wrong. In fact, you are doing something very brave and wonderful by wanting to open up and be honest about this with your girlfriend. No matter how it turns out, you will both end up happier for having been honest and being able to make your own decisions regarding this relationship. Finally, how do you tell her? I think you laid it out wonderfully here: - You're happy and you really care about her - You don't want to break up - You don't really experience romantic attraction like other people do - For you, the relationship has absolutely been committed but based more on teamwork and friendship than romanticism Something else you might think about is if you want anything about your relationship to change or if you like everything as it is, as that's important information for both of you. All you need to do is be honest (and I do suggest trying to be a bit concise and not to ramble too much - it can be overwhelming for the both of you). Then you give your girlfriend time to process. Maybe she needs to ask some questions or wants to do some research or just needs to think. She may be hurt, you may be hurt, there may be tears, there may be hugging and affirmations - you're both allowed to feel your feelings and have your own reactions. Being vulnerable is really hard and really scary but getting to be truly yourself can really make that all worth it. Good luck!
  10. Could sexual repulsion be related to romance repulsion? Of course, why not? These are your experiences. Do you feel they're related? Does it help for you to consider them as such? Is sexual repulsion automatically, always linked to romance repulsion? Nah, we're far too diverse and different for that. I used to very sex repulsed but not at all romance repulsed. And I'm more the opposite these days.
  11. TW: Mention of domestic abuse I used to be pretty touch repulsed. I was fine being close with my sister and hugging her and dancing with her perhaps because I knew it was completely platonic? I had one friend who "trained" me to accept hugs, which never sat well with me, but it was really after a couple years of an abusive relationship that I became basically numb to touch. I'm not really repulsed anymore, but I don't really seek out touch either. I prefer high fives and fist bumps to hugs, if at all. I don't really even like handshakes. I don't enjoy cuddling - too intimate, too much closeness. Oddly enough, I have discovered that I do enjoy kissing (like kissing)??? But only kissing - no cuddling at the same time or anything.
  12. hemogoblin


    I'm so sorry, Shines. This is never easy, and unfortunately, there's really no good solution. This is because it doesn't matter how hard you try or how patient you are - you can't force people to change their mind if they're not willing to have an open mind and confront their own beliefs. What you can do is decide your own limits and what it is you need for your mental health and physical safety. If you want to - and only if you want to - you can keep bringing this up to your family and try to educate them more on aromanticism. You might find AUREA a helpful starting place for this, especially if you think your family might be willing to check out some resources for themselves. Or you might decide this is a subject you want to avoid with them. Change the subject to something else when it comes up and make this something you don't really talk about with them. Frustrating, sad, hurtful - but you don't have to engage with anything you don't want. If they can't respect your feelings, then they don't get to partake in that part of your life. There is no inherently right or wrong decision to make here. The best decision is the one you make for yourself (and know that you can always change your mind and try out a different method later if you want). Regardless, however you can, I would lean more on the people you can trust and who accept and support you more. Do you have accepting friends? I don't know much about Italy, but how about any queer organizations/clubs/groups in your area? They may not really know about aromanticism, but they may also be more open-minded than your family. How about more online communities like this one (particularly in your native language so they're easier for you to navigate) and across other social media forms? There is nothing wrong with being aromantic. There's nothing wrong with being aromantic and having sex with people you want to have sex with. There's nothing wrong with your identity. < 3
  13. Have I mentioned Stevie from Schitt's Creek as grayro? Because every time I tune back into this show, that pops up for me again!
  14. Reasons I have come out or want to come out: I deserve to get to authentically, honestly live my life as who I am, including the identity labels I've chosen I do not like being misread or assumed as straight - it exhausts and upsets me Visibility is important for a variety of reasons, including helping others so they don't have to feel lost and broken and alone Because you can and should be able to talk about things like that with people you trust Because I was excited to learn there was a word for how I felt and genuinely wanted to share To connect with others Because, once initial explanations are out of the way, it's easier and quicker to say than going through whole descriptions of how I feel Pun opportunities >D Because I'm involved in aspec education and activism and it shows credibility to be able to talk about my own personal experiences Because my identity is not something to be ashamed of, it's not 18+, and it's not something I obligated to hide or keep secret - it's a part of me and I deserve to get to talk about that, just like anybody else
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