Emotionally Unavailable

[ArodynamicallyFavored]

Hey guys <3

I just had a revelation yesterday that got me thinking. Okay so I know I'm aromantic, but I don't mind having QPRs and squishes.

My problem is that I always seem to have multiple walls up when it comes to emotionally connecting with someone, whether it's friends,family,or platonic partners. I expected every type of relationship I have to wither eventually. The entire time I'm involved in any relationship that requires me to be close to someone else, it's always a matter of "when are they going to leave/end it" and so on. Whenever I'm emotionally invested in someone (which it's rare for me to open up & let someone that close to me) and they "slip up" once... It can be the tiniest of things..... And my emotional connections with them deadpans. Another wall is made between me and them and I shut down emotionally. Trust no longer exists. I consider them to be out of my life & would rather them stay out.

I guess it's a defensive mechanism I've developed over time? Either way it just seems like an add-on to my aro ace-ness.

I was just wondering if anyone else has experienced anything similar?

[Rising Sun]

You aren't alone. I'm the same.

Because people betrayed me countless times. I've been hurt by life too badly to not suffer bad consequences. I'm not neurotypical, so people find me cute first, but sooner or later they find me weird, they get scared because they think I'm insane, and they eventually run away. In addition, they rarely value friendships as much as I do. 

It hurts beyond words.

[ArodynamicallyFavored]

15 minutes ago, Rising Sun said:

You aren't alone. I'm the same.

Because people betrayed me countless times. I've been hurt by life too badly to not suffer bad consequences. I'm not neurotypical, so people find me cute first, but sooner or later they find me weird, they get scared because they think I'm insane, and they eventually run away. In addition, they rarely value friendships as much as I do. 

It hurts beyond words.

SAME!! I guess I'm used to getting abandoned/forgotten about when I was younger....and depression doesn't help much either.

I'm sorry you have to go through that. People are stupid to not not see your awesomeness!!!

[Mikasa]

I feel the exact same way. 'Friends' have just forgotten about me so many times... Really hurts to go on Facebook and read about things you weren't even invited to. Because of that, I just no longer expect anything from anyone.

[ArodynamicallyFavored]

I've never really been into social media that much, but when I was on Facebook and such it only seemed like an empty waste of my time and another outlet to be judged from

[46odnetnin]

I'm still way into social media, but I also find it very hard to have a meaningful link with anyone for long. Then again I've never met another aromantic person irl so I'm holding out hope thats just what it is.

[PhysicsOwl]

I also have trouble emotionally connecting with people. I think for me it comes less from being afraid of them betraying/leaving me and more from the fact that I don't really know how to talk about my feelings. I've just never been the type of person to talk about why I'm upset or worried, and my parents also are uncomfortable talking to us about Important Stuff so I never learned. I have friends, and I tell them all sorts of stuff about myself, but always superficial stuff. I haven't even come out to my best friends yet because I'm afraid of opening up, and I don't know how to bring it up. I also feel uncomfortable dealing with other people's emotions so that makes me less useful as friend too I guess, and makes me less close to them. It definitely makes me feel more alone than I already do as an aro ace person. My best friends now are closer to each other than they are with me, and once I graduate college it'll only get worse. I don't think I want a qpr, but I also dread living alone and drifting away from my friends once they move away. I feel lonely and like a back up friend now and I live with one of my best friends. I have no idea what I'll do when it's really just me.

[FishPanda]

You aren't alone, although in my case it isn't trauma related, I just don't really get attached to people and I don't really miss them, excluding my parents and sisters (and my cat. I like cats more than I like people). I form bonds very quickly, and I'm likable and get along with people, but in my case "far from sight, far from the heart" rings true. Most of my friendships fizzle out as soon as we aren't in the same setting anymore (finished uni, changed jobs etc.). I have a few childhood friends that I fight nail and tooth to be in touch with, against my nature, because we've been friends since we were children and we've been through everything together. But it's a struggle. I'm not good at it. I have to make myself care. It become even harder since they were both married and had kids, since I feel like I can't really relate to them anymore.

[owl]

I've pretty much only had one close friendship and that went downhill recently 'cause I just isolated myself too much, so I really relate to this (but I don't think there's a specific reason why) Every time I've changed school I haven't really kept contact with friends so never had much of a chance to make close friends.

 

I've got some friends from school but I'll rarely talk to them outside of school and hate getting close to them... Sometimes they'll start talking about something personal in their lives, which makes me feel guilty because I don't feel like I can do that so... Yeah.

[Cassiopeia]

I'm quite picky when it comes to friends, but I do everything to keep them, as long as it still feels like a living thing. Sometimes human connections die, suddenly you have absolutely nothing to share with each other, the whole thing feels pointless. And that's okay.

I have no problem with close friendships, but I'm awfully bad at maintaining those so called casual "friendships". I'm quite independent, I don't need babysitting and I don't have any interest in superficial stuff, so if I let someone close, they earned it.

 

I have gone without having any friends for long periods of time, and also had quite a few years when all my friendships were long distance. I was still fine.

Despite having anxiety, I'm the queen of masturdating, I'll go wherever I want to go, concerts, parties, cinema, restaurants, whatever...being alone while doing so does not bother me. Some people maintain casual friendships (acquaintances) to do these things together, but I just can't be assed to tolerate the chitchat about some random nonsense just to fill up the silence with white noise.

I'm sociable, but I don't go out of my way for keeping casual acquaintances. So I'd never organize a shared activity outside of the common setting, and also I do not discuss my personal life with these people. If someone else arranges for example an after work pint at the pub, I'd be there, but I'd stay politely distant. These kind of social activities feel mostly draining, so I try to keep them on a minimal level.

 

I would not call myself aplatonic or emotionally unavailable, just really uninterested in the 95% of all people.

[peridotty]

tbh?? me too. this might be a product of my introversion colliding with my major depression colliding with my anxiety, though, because ive never liked socializing and ive never liked being in a social situation where talking or sharing very specific sorts of information was considered polite. (i'm really bad at parties. don't take me to parties. not unless you want to take me away from the party.) i hate being in situations where some level of emotional commitment was expected of me, but i also dont like being in a situation that demands emotional responses be kept out of it. i work best when im allowed to randomly disclose my emotions when i need to i guess

[Museums_Concerts_Massage]

I am a straight SM who enjoys(!) sharing physical affection with SW.  As my profile name suggests, my ideal relationship with a woman would have to include museums, concerts, and passionate exchange of massages (M-F/F-M), although I am interested in many other activities, as well.  (books, sports, nature, cats, technology, politics; the list goes on...)  On the other hand, I have allowed myself to be pressured into having vaginal/penetrative sex on several occasions, and I regret it to this day.  

 

I've been told I am emotionally unavailable.  Perhaps it's true.  I don't know; I simply am what I am...  I actually enjoy conversation about interesting topics, with interesting people.  I don't like big parties!!!  I don't have a lot of friends, although I wish I did.  When I take photographs, they are almost always shots of landscapes, buildings, or "things", rather than shots of people.

 

I'm a newbie to this group, and I'm not sure I belong here, but I was curious and am looking for alternatives to traditional dating sites such as okCupid (of which I am a member), where the only options seem to be, either you want to be in a long-term relationship that will automatically lead to marriage in six months, OR you only want a platonic relationship with an activity partner and in which there is no intimacy, either emotional or physical.  So, it's quite possible that this is not the right website or community for me.  However, I am hopeful that someone will recognize a kindred spirit and/or be able to refer me to a specialty dating site or website that may be a good fit.   

[cute kitty Meow! Mewo!]

I can be very emotionally available for many people - but somehow as soon as it feels close I get really nervous. it didn't used to be that way. but after many many times, thinking I had a friend a close one for once - and then to have it yanked away from me in an instant - I just don't trust it anymore. if I feel like I'm getting closer to a person, I emotionally pull myself away from them. 

[Kojote]

On 24.5.2016 at 0:45 AM, Cassiopeia said:

I would not call myself aplatonic or emotionally unavailable, just really uninterested in the 95% of all people.

 

This is pretty much me  Just make it 98%

I'm really really close with my best friends, of which there are 2 and a half, all of them are long distance now. Yes, they have hurt me with not being thoughtful enough sometimes, but so have I. The difference between them and literally anyone else is, that I'll confront them/I can trust them to confront me, and we'll talk it out. 

So in one way I am actually highly emotional and involved with my close friends, whom I treasure very very much. On the other hand you really could call me emotionally unavailable to the rest of the world as I sometimes really couldn't care less. I'm friendly and I like to be around people sometimes, but I don't tell them anything important and I don't go out of my way to stay in contact. I really do not want to shift any "resources" to acquaintances, that I'd much rather spent on the relationships, that matter to me. 

 

To put it in P&P terms, I'm chaotic-good to my close friends, but chaotic-neutral to normal friends/acquaintances and chaotic-evil to the rest of the world?  

 

 

[boothcreek]

On ‎22‎/‎05‎/‎2016 at 2:48 AM, FishPanda said:

You aren't alone, although in my case it isn't trauma related, I just don't really get attached to people and I don't really miss them, excluding my parents and sisters (and my cat. I like cats more than I like people). I form bonds very quickly, and I'm likable and get along with people, but in my case "far from sight, far from the heart" rings true. Most of my friendships fizzle out as soon as we aren't in the same setting anymore (finished uni, changed jobs etc.). I have a few childhood friends that I fight nail and tooth to be in touch with, against my nature, because we've been friends since we were children and we've been through everything together. But it's a struggle. I'm not good at it. I have to make myself care. It become even harder since they were both married and had kids, since I feel like I can't really relate to them anymore.

This is me almost to a T! Except I don't form bonds quickly, I am that weird quiet one that no one notices and then I drop some intelligent useful info on the sly when everyone else is stumped and didn't even think of asking me what I thought.

I am however the very helpful sort, if its not impeding me or disrupting my life/well-being I will help out even if I barely know a person(after all, if I am in dire straights someone coming and saying "hey I will help you" is a nice thing), sadly that character trait seems to be something the users/abusers of such "generosity" lock on to rather quickly. I think that makes me a little leery of people at times too, there are sooo many fake ones when you really observe folks, genuine people are few and far between.

 

Most of the time I just fail to care enough to keep up a friendship, yes the "out of sight, out of mind" philosophy very much applies to me as well. If I take a 2 week vacation and solely stay on the farm to catch up on stuff I will not see or speak to people in those 2 weeks. I wont even think of it/miss it.

 

Also people(or peoples actions) can not really rile me up/anger me. I just don't get emotionally involved enough to care that much I suppose. Someone spreads an ugly rumor or is just being plain stupid and or nasty, I shrug, think to myself  "well don't they look foolish" and go on with my day, heck maybe laugh at the stupidity of it all while I'm at it.

 

It just seem so time consuming and tedious I just don't really bother. I appreciate the friends that don't take it personal if I don't constantly keep in touch and then after 6 months of silence we can run into each other, have a coffee and hang-out like there hasn't been a break.

Just the thought of keeping up friendships like my mother does(social butterfly, talks to most of them every day or at least twice a week) makes me anxious and depressed lol

 

I always say, most people are like vast emotional oceans, I am more comparable to that muddy puddle on the pavement(put on the heat/pressure and watch that little bit of emotion dry-up/drain and there will be nothing!)  

 

 

[timidcat]

Me too. Undiagnosed mental illnesses have caused me to fall into a depressive state. I've noticed that the one time I had an actual crush was before I had depression/anxiety. Either way I'm still aro ace, even if I didn't have the social skills of a potato I would still never want a sexual or romantic relationship with someome. Besides, mental illness is hard to recover from, some people never recover so there is no chance of their orientation ever changing. So regardless, people have to deal with it and accept all of you. They shouldn't hold on to the idea that maybe you'll change if you're mentally stable because that might never happen

[Dodecahedron314]

I kind of get this as well. I've got friends in three different corners of the country at this point, and seeing how the first corner's friend group has dissolved and the second seems to be going the same way, I'm worried about what will happen to the third once I inevitably leave (these groups are defined by grade school, high school, and college, respectively). There are people I'd like to hang on to in life, at least I think I do, but seeing as only one person out of any of my close friends is also arospec and none of my friends have similar career goals to mine, I don't know that those people will care so much about hanging on to me once they get Out Into The World and Real People Jobs and In Long Term Relationships and all that jazz. (Having exactly zero idea what I'm going to be doing with my life at this point does not help this situation whatsoever.) As such, it kind of seems as though any friends I make are ultimately temporary, no matter how hard I try, just because of the inexorable march of time, how life in this society works, my own ambitions, and such. I'm fighting to stay connected with people, but it's hard because I have so much going on. (And then I feel like a bad friend, and my brain starts telling me that this situation is my fault because of that, and then depression and anxiety happen...yeah.)

[Saber_Wing]

I can be like this too. It's hard for me to let people in. Usually I either want a very close bond, or nothing at all, which is unhealthy, or so I've been told. I've been working at trying some more casual friendships too. You know, people you can go to lunch with, or go to a movie with every once in awhile without having to tell them your life story. Might be nice. 

[aussiekirkland]

8 hours ago, Saber_Wing said:

Usually I either want a very close bond, or nothing at all

This basically sums up my relationships with others.

 

For starters I hate "casual friendships". For the first 18 years of my life that's all I ever had. People were so fake and I felt unappreciated and unnoticed for the longest time (this was proven right on many occasions) and I'd become bitter and couldn't wait to start again, only for my new set of friends to be exactly the same. I'd spend up to 6 years with a group and I'd know nothing about them. This created an unnatural over dependency on my mum and when she went through a mental breakdown I had no one else in my life. I probably have trust issues because of this, but as long as someone is themselves I have no problem with them. I am extremely weary of people who aren't genuine and I try to have minimal contact with them.

 

For the first time in my life I have genuine friends who I care about and care about me, I'm always willing to listen to them and they're always willing to listen to me and it's real, nothing surface about it. Our group (my old school friend and her uni friend) has been formed from our desire to have deep friendships and emotional intimacy, without all the crummy small talk. Dealing with crap in my personal life has become a lot easier not feeling alone.

 

It's taken me a long time to find the kind of relationships I need in my life, and at this point I have absolutely no interest in surface level "casual friendships". I'm starting to think the kids around me didn't have the emotional maturity for it (I had a lot of growing up to do at a much younger age). 

[Rising Sun]

@aussiekirkland So true. I'll try to remember this every time I have a breakdown when I feel lonely. This is the kind of true positivity people need in life.