DaviM703

Update: She previously thought she was pansexual but now thinks she might be a lesbian. I don't know why it's so hard for me realizing she may not be up for any more than what we have now since what we have now is already so special but I just really want her as the closest person in my life which I don't feel will be possible if she has a romantic partner and I don't know how to deal with those feelings.

I feel very much this way for my current best friend, who I have been questioning if I might be slightly in love with. I just feel like she gets me more than anyone else, and we're often physically affectionate. I feel like I really want her to always be a part of my life, and I'm still in regular phone contact with her but actually getting to see her in person is the thing I miss most about the whole world not being shut down. So you're definitely not the only one of us to feel like that.

I feel exactly the same way. I am also afraid of never finding it, and I think for me the whole world being shut down is making that fear worse because of what this situation would be like if I lived alone and all the people I considered friends had partners at home. As of right now, I have one really good friend who I think would be perfect for that but she isn't sure she wants the same thing which is pretty hard for me since it's so hard to find people I can form the type of connection with that I have with her.

To clarify a few things: she says she isn't looking for any kind of relationship other than friendship currently because she still needs to get over things from the past. I asked her about what romantic attraction feels like and she didn't know how to describe it, and I never get the impression she is really attracted to anyone around based on anything she tells me, though she did have a girlfriend in high school. She has said her idea of a romantic relationship involves kissing which I don't feel comfortable with in most cases (though there's a chance I may discover exceptions). The things I said earlier about how much time she is up for spending with me and how she is cool with physical contact most of the time with me when she normally doesn't like being touched by most people seem like a clear indicator that she feels really comfortable with me compared to pretty much anyone else in the college. Her style is also really informal, her usual daily outfit consists of a t-shirt with cartoon characters and sweatpants and a hoodie, and I think this style has a lot to do with how I got to feel so comfortable with her. She says she likes formal things sometimes but not always. Thanks for the support you've given; she is definitely really important to me but I still don't think it's the same as being in love the way allos describe it.

So I have this really good friend from college, and as the whole world shuts down, which I think is making me feel more afraid of being alone in the future (I still live with my parents for now and they're often not the most understanding but better than no one), I've been talking with her more by phone and text about my feelings about a lot of things including the types of relationships I want in my life. This friend has been understanding me better than anyone else in my life for months, and I feel like she would be a perfect zucchini for me. She has been up for spending almost all of the time we're both free on campus together, and has made clear that she normally doesn't like socializing much, and she also lets me hug and lightly cuddle her significantly more than is normal for what society calls "just friends," especially for friendships not between two females, and says she usually doesn't like being touched by most people. However, she has recently talked about possibly wanting a "cookie-cutter romantic relationship" in the future and says she might not feel the same way about wanting to be something closer than "just friends" (not that she definitely doesn't; just that she hasn't figured herself out and might not, and she had never indicated she necessarily would want to be zucchinis). She has assured me that we will always be close and she won't distance herself from me based on what any partner wants, and I am definitely glad to have such a good friendship but I also can't help feeling a little sad because of how much I want to be even closer to her. I have also had a few thoughts about possibly being open to trying to act romantic for her, which isn't something I normally consider for anyone, and it's making me wonder if maybe I'm slightly in love with her without realizing it. For a little bit of context, I was drawn to her at first sight but that was because I related to the situation she seemed to be in of not knowing anyone around, and I quickly learned we were both new to that college and living at home. All the strong feelings I have had for her have been related to her personality and the understanding and caring she shows for me, though I do also think she is cute in the same way I think my dog is cute. I don't have any desire to kiss her and am mainly interested in just spending time with her in a way that feels super casual. I was wondering what feelings you guys think are involved in this.

I don't think it's realistic to expect to be able to spend more time with anyone other than talking online right now. But I think all those things you mention about QPRs are what make them more fulfilling. I'm actually feeling similarly about a close friend of mine, which I am planning to post my own thread about, but it can definitely be hard having strong feelings for someone who doesn't necessarily want the same type of relationship.

@bydontostIs it possible it could be merged with AUREA? That's how AVEN's forum site is. I feel like we still need a place to be able to communicate. If no one else is available to take over I could help run it since I know a little bit about how websites work, but I would imagine it's cheaper to merge with another domain than maintain by itself.

I feel the same way. I actually have someone in my life who seems perfect in most ways and might be open to the type of relationship I'm looking for, though she hasn't figured out her future relationship goals and isn't focusing on them right now so I can't be sure at this point what exactly is going to happen with her.

I want the same thing but it is hard to find. Probably another aromantic person or at least someone for whom romance isn't a high priority would be the best option.

I want pretty much the same thing as you. I also worry about not being able to find someone who wants that kind of living situation. Though I do currently have someone in my life who seems about as compatible with me as anyone can possibly be. I feel like I would like her as a zucchini, which she has indicated she might be open to in the future but doesn't feel ready for any kind of relationship currently.

My main reasons for not fully identifying as cis anymore are based on gender expectations that I want to be free from. For example, the norm for male friendships seems to be for the friendship to only involve doing things with each other and not talking about your lives at all. This isn't my idea of a good friendship, and I've dealt with that norm (mostly subconsciously) by mainly finding female friends, which has in the past led people to try to invalidate my identity as aromantic because they also thought that the only reason someone could be more inclined to make friends with the opposite gender was romantic feelings. The main therapist I see also repeatedly tried to tell me the perfect solution to not being able to find good friends because of people's prioritizing romance and the fact that what I want could be considered an emotional affair by alloromantics was to just try to find male friends, not understanding that it's hard to get the kind of support I want from friends from most male friendships. Also, I'm into some things such as the Frozen movies which are more female-oriented, and on one occasion a while ago I was in a hospital unit with mostly girls and they wanted to watch the movie Ice Princess, which staff there seemed to expect me not to agree to but I saw no reason not to watch it with them. So it's not because I have a problem with male identity labels that I now think I'm non-binary; it's because I'm realizing more and more that I don't fit what society expects from men and don't want to.

I sort of feel like I want a zucchini who is my closest friend, and I'd be open to having just one or more. However, I sort of see the concept of monogamy as like deliberately building a wall to keep everyone else out, which I think people should be allowed to do with their own lives (not an entire country) but I wouldn't do since I want to be available for people who may have similar struggles to me getting close to people and the concept of monogamy seems to tell you to avoid letting anyone other than your one person, especially the same gender as that person, get close really at all which isn't something I agree with.

I think gender is based on what kind of brain you have rather than your body. I've always until recently thought I was cis too just because gender isn't really a part of my identity and how I see myself as an individual.

I've become pretty aware of that gender coding, partly from college classes, and I've realized that I don't identify with it. I've also taken multiple online tests that say I have a balanced or androgynous brain based on my style of forming friendships and ability to do well on various cognitive tests.

It's true, unfortunately, that in many countries being anything other than straight is still not accepted by society. Have you tried finding other aromantic people from your country online? Also, would you want a QPR with your own gender/the gender people think you are, or a different gender? A relationship that appears straight on the outside might be possible to disguise, but if you want something that doesn't look like a straight couple it will be harder.

You can definitely be aromantic. What you can enjoy in stories or movies/TV doesn't change that. Have you heard of queerplatonic relationships? It sounds to me like that might be what you're looking for. That is a type of relationship that doesn't fit society's boxes for "just friends" or for a romantic relationship.

I think the best thing for now is just to let them give up, because a break would probably help them. Then, if it really does make them happier than being single, I'm sure they will eventually realize that on their own.

@Blazkovitz I think that's true but I don't really identify that much with being a man either. I haven't changed my pronouns as of now but I basically don't identify with the binary system society has put in place and feel like I might rather just be free from it.

I think this is a result of the way our society treats guys and girls differently. Things that are common between women are seen as not normal between guys and automatically romantic between a guy and a girl. I think if you have a guy friend who agrees that things aren't romantic it shouldn't matter what everyone else thinks. I have one female close friend who accepts me the way I am (and doesn't seem especially inclined to get into a romantic relationship either) and we've basically disregarded the boundaries other people think cross-sex friendships should have and just act however we want.

I've recently been considering that I might not be entirely a man, because I don't really conform to what's expected of a man in terms of what I'm interested in, what I like, what I want from relationships, or hair length. I've been living how I want without much regard for gender norms for a while, but I don't really feel totally like a man so I think I may be non-binary.

There's nothing wrong with feeling that way, and your identity is still valid. I'm only drawn to the idea of a QPR with a girl or maybe a non-binary person. I'm more inclined to make friends with girls too, and people have tried to invalidate my identity as aromantic based on the invalid heteronormative belief that any preference for the opposite gender is romantic. I think my preference is based partly on the fact that male and female same-sex friendships tend to be different in pretty significant ways and the female type is more like what I want out of a friendship or something closer. Also I'm much more comfortable with physical contact with women and am to some degree heterosexual though ace-spec as well.

I wrote a story for a fiction writing class this past semester that centers around aromantic characters. It's called "Love Over Life." The central conflict to this story involves amatonormativity with a twist, and takes place starting on Valentine's Day. I also made it about characters with intersectional identities to give more representation to non-white aros and the main character is non-binary. Does anyone know a good place I could share this story with the community?

Your experience definitely sounds to me like being aromantic. You can fantasize about things without feeling them for real people. Have you ever had feelings for real people? If you have but are uncomfortable with people liking you then you could also be akoi/lithromantic.