DaviM703

I actually just this semester found my first friend since middle school who seems to put as much into friendship with me as I want. She doesn't really know what she wants in terms of relationships but knows that friendship like what she has with me is important to her. I feel like I can talk to her about pretty much anything and we have a lot in common in terms of having trouble forming friendships as well as some interests. I sort of want her as a zucchini, but I don't feel like I need that label to have a high-quality friendship with her. In general I think females are more compatible with me too, and in the past people have used my primarily finding female friends to try to tell me I wasn't really aromantic.

What kind of college is this? I go to a public state university (SUNY Cortland) and I feel accepted by pretty much everyone I know there. I went to a community college before, where I was given stress questionnaires in a couple of my classes that seemed biased in favor of alloromantics, and this was in my first semester when I wasn't quite as open with my identity as I am now. Have you taken a sociology class? I found sociology class to be what really helped me as this class talked about all kinds of social issues including the pressure to be in a romantic relationship. I would definitely recommend taking a sociology class if you haven't already.

Hair follicle - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hair_follicle

I don't think anything you've said indicates that this is necessarily romantic. I have a friend who I find really cute and think about a lot, but I'm pretty sure my feelings for her aren't the same as the way I've heard romantic attraction described.

Hi everyone. So I've had this friend for about a month. She seems to enjoy my company much more than anyone else I know. She seems to be as much of a loner as me and we've started hanging out for at least an hour a day while we wait for class to start. She knows I identify as aromantic, and she's pansexual and I usually get the impression she would much rather play video games than go out with someone romantically. I have a very strong squish on her, but I'm not sure if she even knows what a squish is and I'm a little afraid that telling her I have any kind of feelings for her could make things weird between us. Today we were talking about a plan we have, and her mom asked if she was going to be alone and she said she would be with a friend. She clarified that it wasn't a date because I'm aromantic and that we're "just friends." However, I feel like she would be the best possible zucchini for me and I'm not sure how to tell her that but I'm also worried that if I don't tell her for too long that I feel anything stronger than what "just friends" means to most people it could make it harder to become zucchinis. Does anyone have any advice about the best way to handle this situation?

For videos about aromanticism I'd recommend The Asexual Goddess.

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You're not too young; I knew at 15 that I didn't want a romantic relationship, though it took until 17 to discover the term. And I haven't tried it either but I know I don't want to, the same way most people know they don't want to kiss a pig without ever doing it. If you feel like you identify as aromantic then that's totally valid. And don't listen to spellcheck because spellcheck is a bigot.

@DogObsessedLianne One good title I know of is The Black Veins by Ashia Monet. Aromanticism isn't explicitly mentioned in this book, but Ashia says it will be later in the series and the book focuses mostly on friendship.

It's entirely your choice, but I've found that people don't usually seem to notice my scars, or at least don't say much about them. I kept them covered up for close to three years, but no one really noticed them after I stopped.

I can relate to this. I've considered myself gray-ace for a while because sex isn't the most important thing to me and I'm really not interested in a lot of sexual activities, but I do feel like I would like a sexual relationship that isn't romantic and don't know how to get that in a way that won't hurt anyone, and I'm not really comfortable doing hookups with people I don't know at all.

If you don't feel sexual or romantic attraction then you can definitely identify as aromantic and asexual. It's not always possible to know why you feel the way you do, but orientations are about feelings and are valid whatever your reason is for feeling or not feeling something toward certain genders or anyone.

Hello fellow aros! Just wanted to let you all know there's a new book coming out today by aromantic author Ashia Monet. The book features aro-spec characters and no romance arc. It's a YA novel about a found family of magicians who go on a road trip to save the world. The title is The Black Veins, it's the first in the Dead Magic series, and you can buy it here: https://theblackveins.carrd.co/

I feel this way a lot. I get the feeling that most people around me are going to want to be with their partners most of the time as I get older and I'll be less able to be close to anyone as a result.

@Coyote Those are all good points. I did mean people who would identify with the label and aromantic community if they knew about it. We can't determine which individuals that would be, and therefore shouldn't call individuals something they don't call themselves, but I think most aromantic people, once they identify as such, believe that they were aromantic before realizing it. I definitely believe I was. And I agree that knowledge of the concept alone, without the message that it's okay to be aromantic, isn't enough. Just like children can grow up with parents who think homosexuality is morally wrong, and their parents can tell them that but it won't make them feel like it's normal and okay if they start developing same-sex attraction. However, the topic here is about if we should be promoting visibility. I think pretty much everyone on this site, if they were to spread aromantic visibility, would do so in a positive way that sends the message it's okay to identify as aromantic.

Friends have definitely done that to me. That's why I have so few of them.

@Coyote What I meant is that there are aromantics who don't realize it in society, and that for some of them, learning that aromanticism is a thing is the only thing that will get them out of feeling like they have something wrong with them and are alone in that way, and visibility is necessary for them to learn about it.

I've definitely experienced that. I've had friends basically start treating me like I don't matter anymore when they have a partner and sometimes even avoid talking to me.

What specific things are you asking about? I think they can have a say about things that go on in their house, but other than that I think things like what classes you take and your life at college are up to you.

It definitely sounds to me like you're aromantic. What you like in fiction or even in real life when it doesn't involve you doesn't define your orientation; only what you feel yourself.

I found and identified with the label at 17, but from 15 I knew that I wasn't interested in the kind of relationship that it seemed like everyone else really wanted and cared more about than anything else. I have actually been doing a lot better since connecting with the aromantic community online than when I thought it was the way just I was.

Does your school have a provost you can talk to? At my school, students have been advised to talk to the provost if a teacher is doing something wrong and teachers actually have gotten in trouble for things they did. Also, are there any other advisors for your program? You might be able to ask to switch if there are. If he keeps doing things you've specifically asked him not to then you can get the police involved and file a harassment complaint. You can probably file a Title IX complaint since that covers any form of gender-based discrimination or harassment and it doesn't seem like he would be treating a man like this.

@Coyote I think visibility is important more for aromantics who haven't figured out their identity than anything else. Using your dungeon analogy, being in a dungeon not in solitary confinement is still better than being in a dungeon in solitary confinement, which I think is a good description of what it feels like to be surrounded only by people who feel a desire for this type of relationship you know isn't for you and feeling like the only one who doesn't fit the norm of having those feelings. I felt pretty much like that before I discovered the term "aromantic."

@Cristal GrisI think it can definitely be harder to have friends if you have mental health issues or are aromantic in a society where romance is seen as the most important thing. I'm glad you at least know what's going on because I think that can be very helpful and so can talking about it. @running.tallyI'm glad things have improved so much for you. Thanks for the positivity you spread here. I definitely already had some mental health issues including some anxiety before the stuff in middle school with the dating scene, but it became worse for me then. I don't think being aromantic is to blame for any of it though; I think amatonormativity is for making me think I really wanted a romantic relationship and become distressed about not being able to find one and for teaching people of all orientations that romantic relationships are always more important than friendships.