vanillacuppy

Excuse the ranting and rambling, but I just needed some place I could confide in. I wasn't sure where to put this but since my rant started to get into relationship territory, I put it here As someone that has identified as a biromantic for years, it has been very difficult for me to come to terms with the fact that I may be aromantic. So difficult to the point that I've almost been in tears. To be brief, I've had crushes before, but I have now come to realize that they were really about being important and exclusive than actual romantic feelings. I am a flirt for fun, and I do have fictional crushes: but a majority of my flirting has no serious intent or feelings behind it and is really just regurgitated word vomit, and I wouldn't be able to give and answer if I was asked if I was actually in love with any of those characters. One of my problems comes with the fact that I'd still love to be in a relationship, whether it's romantic or platonic (like a qpp). I very much do experience other kinds of attraction like aesthetics & etc, so in a way I'm still comfortable with identifying as bi, but that just isn't completely truthful. But I don't want my identity as aromantic to turn people away or not give the full picture. So really, I'm bi everywhere but my romantic and sexual attraction (I'm ace). I'm not the kind of person that enjoys explaining my identity to every person I meet unless it's necessary (like relationships of course), which is why I've continued to consider myself biro. I'm just worried that I'll hurt someone because I can't love them the way they want me to. I'm fine with romantic gestures, kissing is eh, but cuddling? Hand holding? Dates? I want it. And I still experience aesthetic attraction so I still find people attractive. I still love people. I still want to be their person, but just not in the same way. It doesn't help that it's hard to find lgbt people in general in my area, so the odds of finding someone that gets it would be slim. If I said I love you to someone, it wouldn't be fake, it would just have a different meaning. I'm sorry but this is just so difficult for me to cope with. I hate this idea that I can't have a relationship unless there's romance. They'd still be my favorite and my priority. I just wish I had someone to understand, and I wish it didn't hurt so bad. Sorry again for ranting, I'm just in denial.