ScarfOfSexualPreference

Trying to let go of labels is REALLY HARD! I definitely feel that. So far it seems like you don't experience much, if any, romantic attraction. A couple questions you can ask yourself could be: - If I never got married, would I be upset? - Have I ever looked at anyone and wanted to date them, or does it take time to get to know them, or not at all? - Does the idea of a romantic relationship seem appealing? That's just a start, of course, and a really nice place to start would be the 'YMBAI' (You Might Be Aro If) Thread to try to see if you relate to any of the stuff there. In regards to sex, I'm not quite as versed at that, since I'm still trying to figure it out myself. I'm kind of in the same boat as you, where if I do have/want sex, I don't want there to be any strings attached, or rose petals or candles. I don't know if you've checked out AVEN at all, but you should definitely explore over there if you haven't for more aspec stuff. Good luck trying to figure stuff out, and don't say yes to anything you're not sure about! I know the labels thing is really hard, but don't think 'what would an ____ do,' just make decisions for yourself.

Aesthetically, I like the 50s boys with tight blue jeans and they like comb through their hair with a pocket comb, but one little piece falls out of place. Jury's still out whether it's gender envy or not, though. Platonic-Personality-wise, I just want someone who doesn't anger easily.

I definitely agree that it should be represented in the LGBTQ+ community, but should be distinct in that Asexual, Lesbian, etc etc are all sexualities, and that has no ties to Romantic Orientation/Identity. You can be a lesbian aro, a bi aro, an ace aro, but you don't really have a lot of lesbian aces or gay pansexuals, you know? I absolutely believe that someone who is heterosexual, cisgendered, and aromantic should be part of that LGB... community, but aromanticism shouldn't be lumped into the LGB... bubble. It's a queer identity, just as Trans and gender identies are, but it should be distinctualized.

That’s one thing that I don’t think I’ll ever be capable of fully understanding: ‘why don’t you just pick someone else’ or ‘what’s worth all that?’

Only you can know what you feel, but that sounds very aro-spec to me :) That also sounds super frustrating, especially if people kept telling you you were cold and distant and you didn’t know about aro identities. You should know that you’re not cold or distant, and it’s perfectly fine to not want a romantic relationship; don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. :) I’d suggest to keep reading forums and exploring. A great place to start is the YMBAI (You Might Be Aro If) thread, and see if you relate to any of those. But the other thing is that whatever choices you make don’t have to fit under any label, so make sure you don’t box yourself in! Good luck on your personal journey!!

Everything tempesta said is super right, but I’d also add that you should think about the character’s personality. Is she ashamed about her aro-ness, or has she accepted it and is out? Because of her personality, she may try different ways to turn them down. For instance: describing the truthful situation, saying she’s not interested in a relationship, saying she’s already in one, lying about her sexuality or romantic orientation to save feelings, or just politely declining without a reason. hope this helped!

How do allos manage? How come you can't just not-be-in-love with someone that doesn't like you back? Is kissing someone you're romantically attracted to different than someone you aren't? How can you know that someone is The One? While I'm constantly frustrated by the lack of aro representation, I count myself lucky, because being allo must SUCK

You are the only person who can know how you feel, but from what you're describing it seems like you may be a romance repulsed aro. Some things that helped me when I was questioning was reading lots and lots of threads. One place to start would be the 'you might be aro if' thread (YMBAI), and even explore AVEN, since there's lots of content there. If you feel you relate to those... you might be aro! The other thing is, it's really nice to have a label, but it can also be good to let yourself live and make decisions, and see how those decisions and actions fit into a label. Whatever you do, NEVER feel like you should feel a certain way or do a certain thing because of the label you chose. Try to look into yourself to find what you want, and don't rush into things you have reservations about! Good luck figuring yourself out :)

One thing I like about identifying as aromantic outwardly to most people is being able to reject people without feeling guilty at all. I know I don't owe men or women anything, but whenever someone puts themselves out there to ask me something, it's really nice to be able to say "oh, I'm aromantic," and that way they in no way feel like it's their fault. Another perk is that friends I've 'come out' to don't catch feelings for me, or if they do, they can try to get over it rather than thinking there's a chance, you know? Maybe that's a callous way of thinking about it, but it's nice to have that freedom.

UGH! That video is so good! Part of the reason I don't like romance movies is because they make it seem like being in a relationship is the goal. Like "the busy business woman putting aside her business for the funny guy." Getting married and having kids shouldn't be the goal in life.

Woah, woahwoahwoah. I think I just had a sexuality crisis from this post, so that's fun... It's just almost unimaginable that I could have an experience with sex that doesn't also involve emotional connection, and sex feel so vulnerable and unsafe and scary. I definitely feel ace-spec, though, since I don't I've ever looked at someone and seriously thought 'I want to have sex with that person.' Not sure what I'm going to do with this newfound information, but thanks for bringing it up. ?

Hey! I don't have any diagnoses, but I'm super glad you were able to understand yourself a little better! I do think I have anxiety though, and I'm on meds for it. Some of my favorite fidgets are super small and quiet that can just help ground me, yk?

Hey! I may not be able to fully understand your dilemma, but I'd love to try to help :) I think that communication is really important, and you should try to communicate exactly what your lines are and go from there. It may be uncomfortable, but you don't have to do that in person or even over a phone call. But I definitely think you guys should try to talk it out. From there, I don't really know whether you want a romantic relationship or a platonic one, but at least after you talk you know how you both feel. Also, if you want advise from people who are probably better suited to answer your question, you can head to AVEN for a forum with alloromantic asexuals, or head to a social media site for alloromantic allosexuals! Hope this helped!

Yeah, and sexual attraction isn't necessarily connected to libido. Sexual attraction applies to one person or group of people (men, people your age, etc). Wanting sex vs. wanting sex with a specific someone

Agreed. I really like the ebb and flow of friendships, and how you don't have to share everything with them. Maybe a small part of me wants that 'one' who you can always talk to, but who really wants to deal with all the lovey bits?

I just really want a good hug but I'm not close enough with anyone I know to be super close to them that way... Plus, like a lot of other people on this thread, I'm so awful at being vulnerable so I just end up being the mom or therapist friend and can't return that kind of friendship. kinda sucks.

Funeral

I think this is a normal experience! I'd just say that communication is really important. Maybe talk to them about how you're feeling so you can get on the same page and you can go from there?

I love the nights when you just go around with friends and do sketchy or adventurous stuff. Best homecoming of my life was the one I went to with a group of friends!

My one and only dating experience was with a guy who played the Eric to my Ariel in middle school. My theory is that I fabricated feelings for him onstage, so I did the same for offstage. I'm super wary of anyone who plays a romantic counterpart in any show now...

I've discovered my aro/ace-ness about one year ago. I could probably find the date in my journal from when I went and raved about how heard I felt, but I'm too lazy... Valentine's Day is kinda soon, and I want to celebrate, but obviously I don't have a partner. But I still want to do stuff with my friends! What kind of things do you guys do on Valentine's Day? Do you have any traditions or ideas for this year in particular? (And also if you have any Valentine's Day horror stories, I love reading about them!)

Ohmygosh this is a great idea!! I'll have to go to a thrift store and prepare!

I agree with what everyone has said, about it being reasonable to some up with the term if they didn't know what it meant, and all that. But I've read and watched and heard so many Hollywood stories of casual sex turning into something more, or one catching feelings, and that is my WORST NIGHTMARE. Which is why I think it's probably best if aromantic sex refers to people who identify as part of the aromantic spectrum. But I also think the idea of calling it casual sex or non-romantic sex is important, and we as a society need to separate romantic attraction and sexual attraction. I don't know, that's just what I think :)

Oooh I have a jacket that might look really cool with something like that... Thanks!

Yeah, during quarantine my gender identity came to say hello, so I've been experimenting with different styles and buying stuff from thrift stores. I really like the way I look in jean shorts and a button up, but that's kind of a hard look to pull off in the winter when it's snowing outside, so if anyone can lmk if there's a cool way to show off my legs and still be warm?