Any afamilial people here?

[Helion]

Afamilial simply means that you don't feel familial attraction. You don't have a special bond to your parents, siblings, etc. You can still like them and have a good relationship with them, but don't have the type of familial attraction most people have, like a mother not being worth more than a friend you are equally as befriended to just because she is your mother. 

Feel free to drop your experience or feelings.

 

Here's my personal experience, feel free to skip as it will get vent-y:

I realised something was up when I argued with my mom about our relationship and how we treat each other. I named an example about how I treat my friends, but she went "Yes, but we are not talking about friendships, we are family. This is completely different." and I was utterly confused. I went through lots of issues with both of my parents, have no siblings and only see my other family members fairly rarely, so I frankly have no bond to any of them. Even the ones I have a good relationship with, there is nothing special I feel for them, they are just friends (Like my cousin, she is just a friend to me) or just people I kind of have to meet obligatory but don't actually care much about.

This might sound horrible and I frankly feel kind of bad about it, but if my grandparents died I don't think I would care much. I have an okay relationship with them, but they aren't friends, they are waaay too different from me, we have zero common interests or much to talk about other than "How are you doing?" and as I said I do not feel any special bonds to them. They are nice, so of course I would prefer it if they were alive and healthy, but when they will die I probably won't cry or feel that bad about it. 

Sounds bad, but this is how I am. It feels a little extra shitty because I can't help but to wonder if I would not be afamilial if my mother wouldn't have been such a shitty parent. 

This got way darker than I intended, I hope yall don't mind. 

[1nagony]

I have like the exact same situation with my family, except I don't want to be friends with them at all. My parents never beat me or inflicted any serious trauma to me(I think) but they definitely could be better. I hate how you are obligated to spend time with your family because I simply do not like them and do not want to be around them for any more time than I have to.

[SkyTuneRein]

My family is enough to turn anybody afamilial...but I'm far from the most social individuals and I'm stubborn. You see, I was a mule in my last life. Pleased to make your equintance. 🐎

Edited January 17 by SkyTuneRein

[Holmbo]

Thanks for sharing this. I find it interesting to read.

Personally I feel very strong familial attraction. But it's not based on who's technically my relative but rather which people I've grown up with. I have a friend who I've known all my life and whom I still see regularly and I feel like she is a sister to me. There's a commitment there which feels different than friendship, maybe similar to what people look for in a qpr.

Sorry if that is of topic since you're talking about being afamilial.

 

[MondoBilby]

I have a very very close bond to my parents and brother, but any family members outside that I don't really care about as much. My parents prefer not to get involved with my outer family either, none of us get along too well. I'd say the only outer family member I'm relatively close to is my nan (my mum's mum), mostly because she actually cares about us even though she's a bit annoying sometimes (oh the stories I could tell, she is actually insane lol). Our other family members are just self-absorbed and ramble about themselves and their problems whenever we see each other, which isn't fun at all. The only fun part of seeing them is the gossiping my parents do about them afterwards lol.

I do have four cousins who my brother and I get along with really well, but they live on the other side of my country so we never get to see them.

[Helion]

On 1/18/2024 at 12:15 PM, Holmbo said:

Thanks for sharing this. I find it interesting to read.

Personally I feel very strong familial attraction. But it's not based on who's technically my relative but rather which people I've grown up with. I have a friend who I've known all my life and whom I still see regularly and I feel like she is a sister to me. There's a commitment there which feels different than friendship, maybe similar to what people look for in a qpr.

Sorry if that is of topic since you're talking about being afamilial.

 

Thanks for sharing, too, this was quite interesting actually! Yeah, I've heard of platonic bonds becoming familial bonds, but I've never really experienced that or really believed it was that real outside of fiction because as an afamilial and aromantic all I have are platonic bonds, those are the best to me lmao

So yeah, that was insightful!

[Holmbo]

@Helionso do you feel platonic attraction to your mom?

[Helion]

1 minute ago, Holmbo said:

@Helionso do you feel platonic attraction to your mom?

For my mom specifically I feel nothing good, we have a very rough relationship unfortunately.

I feel for example platonic attraction to my cousin because we are the same age and have a shared interest in gaming, so we hang out and do fun stuff occasionally. To me it's not a single bit different than a friendship, I just don't feel anything "special" just because she is family, you know? I'd tbh even prefer most of my friends over my cousin because I don't see her that much anymore.

I lack big feelings for pretty much all adults in my family tbh because it's pretty much impossible to be friends with them as all of them are significantly older than me and thus have completely different interests (Also most of them come from russia aka grew up in the literal sovjet union, which just makes them SO different from me). 

Yup, platonic attraction is the only thing I have, heh, didn't think about it before that way.

[Holmbo]

8 minutes ago, Helion said:

For my mom specifically I feel nothing good, we have a very rough relationship unfortunately.

I'm sorry to hear that. Do you think you will end contact with her at some point? Because I feel like a lot of people stay in contact with family because they feel a connection to them even if they don't like them. So I wonder if maybe someone afamilial would lack that compulsion.

[Helion]

14 minutes ago, Holmbo said:

I'm sorry to hear that. Do you think you will end contact with her at some point? Because I feel like a lot of people stay in contact with family because they feel a connection to them even if they don't like them. So I wonder if maybe someone afamilial would lack that compulsion.

Yup, I do lack that compulsion and I do plan to break off any contact with her as soon as I can, no regrets.

Though one thing that does give me doubts is the fact I'm kind of anxious in social interactions and also anxious about big changes, I'm a little worried this will make me hesitate, but I'm totally planning to overcome this because I want that relationship out of my life. 

I'm honestly happy with the fact I feel no obligation to remain in contact with her; My dad is in a similar situation, he tbh doesn't seem to like his mother at all but stays in contact with her out of a sense of obligation and it just seems to make him miserable.

[retrobeetism]

I don't care much about familial bond, but tbh I wouldn't say I'm afamilial because I simply wouldn't put familial relationships in terms of attraction.

But if we talk in terms of affectivity and affinity? then yes, I'm probably afamilial

[Estelar]

I would not use the term afamilial for myself, but I can relate very well to this situation. I felt quite similar during my adolescence when I was sort of forced to stay with my family and only wanted to get out. When I grew older I managed to keep a healthy distance without actually breaking off all contact and today I think I have a decent relationship with my family. It is not very happy, but not strenuous either.

Even though friendships and relationships are often more fun and enjoyable, there is one thing to consider you only have with your family: Friends or a partner might eventually drift away and your relationship might end, but your family will always be your family, no matter what kind of relationship you have with them. You may even lose contact with your family, but technically they are still your family. If you lose contact with a friend, however, your friendship is over. Therefore, I prefer to keep the contact with my family at a low level such that we do not become entirely estranged, yet I do not need to see them regularly.

[Keith]

I think I can somehow relate to your situation. Everytime I visit my family it feels forced; like I'm expected to form some kind of relationship with them, but for some reason I just can't? I'm not sure what is the reason for that. Maybe it's because we don't see eachother enough? Or maybe it's because I don't really like them as people? I don't know. But I don't think I would go as far as to say "I don't care about them at all". Their existance is pretty much neutral to me, but I do hope they're doing fine.

The only person I have a rather good and close relationship with is my brother. He's the one I see on a daily basis (aside from my parents, but they're quite difficult people which is why I don't want to talk about them), and even though a few years ago we practically couldn't stand each other, we're doing much better nowadays.

When I was younger I used to be pretty close with my cousin on my dad's side, but we haven't spoken in 2 years (I think), so I'm not sure if that statement is still up to date.

Edited February 1 by Keith

[P4R4D0X]

TBH, My friends are more like my family than my family.

Blood ties are pretty much forced, Friends can be anyone who is willing to.

 

Yay for Found Families.

[smac n cheese]

I totally agree! I'm not exactly afamilial, since I have a close bond with my family, but I still value my friends over my family. Don't get me wrong, I love my family, and I respect my parents for taking care of me, but being around my sister seems forced. My sister is honestly kinda spoiled, way more than I was when I was her age, and she 100% hates me. My parents often don't respect me, and it seems like they don't take my trauma seriously. My friends, on the other hand, are very supportive of me, and as @N1GHTM4R3 said, they feel more like my family than my real family.

[Balfrog]

I might be. I have had a feeling that as soon as I move out of regular visit range I won't really talk with my parents again. Mental health problems have delayed this. I feel more like soft friends with my siblings and regularly talk about shows, books, and games, and I would be sad if they were no longer in my life, but not as sad as I would be if my friends weren't in my life. I only really have one friend I felt like was my family, but rather than a feeling of loving it is more like someone I didn't know dropped into my life and everyone in my family knew them.

Still I kinda just feel like I owe my parents for at least taking care of me as an adult. I also do want to see them get a house they own rather than renting their entire life and retire, which seems like a pipedream. I don't think this is as much familial love as I would prefer those be options for everyone.

[Leistorm]

I can't tell if I'm afamilial or just traumatized. I don't have the best relationship with my parents. Like, we get along mostly, but it's still really strained because they think they know me, but they really don't. Other than my brother, I've never had much of a bond with my parents. I get really emotional when I'm with my mom and we actually get along, because I'm afraid I'm going to mess it up and make our relationship even worse. Again, I feel like it's because of the trauma. I try not to think about this too much.

[Raininspring]

I am afamilial in the sense the older I get, the more disconnected I feel towards them. I am still housed under the same roof as them because I didn't have a concrete plan for moving out. I am in talks with two coworkers who are also looking for a place. I can honestly say my resentment towards my parents is centered on feeling like the space I'm living in has never truly been mine and many spaces in the home are regulated to my mother acting like it all belongs to her, so I have limited agency of my own to be control of how I want my space to be. The second thing is I'm a grown woman in her 30s and still they treat me like I need their help and/or it's their duty as parents to do stuff for me. I strongly feel the only way they can learn to stop is I make my own life away from them where they have more limited access to me. If I have to hurt them by asserting my independence, I'll do it. I'm sorry, but their generational values have to die out. They cannot live out their whole lives by the principle that the main meaning of life is to obsess over their children, and I cannot continue to perpetuate that problem by staying under the same roof as them. 

No, I haven't been clear with them about moving out but the last conversation I had with my father about moving out (before I knew my 2 co-workers were also looking), he said a lot of negative things talking down to me about how much I'd suffer and not be able to take care of myself if I lived elsewhere. So I'm pretty much expecting the same patronizing language, except I might feel more protected because while I will be burdened with my share of rent and a learning curve with living with other adults closer to my age, at least I can be around people who will treat me like an actual adult. 

[portrait of a crow on fire]

I never realised afamilial was a thing! It describes pretty much how I feel about the people I'm related to. I feel strongly about one of my parents and my brother, but I've always been laissez-faire about anyone else to a point where I distinctly remember people getting a little disgruntled about the way I talk about my family because, generally, I feel nothing. Now I understand why 

[lovelyleaf]

i don't love my parents and i never have. i love some of very extended family but the only close family member i can honestly i say love is my sister.

[TerribleWerewolf]

I'm afamilial I care about them, I do to an extent. But I would really love going non contact with them and growing up I really did heavily lean into the whole "Were a family and I love you!!" *Kisses kisses* and now I can't. I can't do it, I even hate saying "I love you" or "love ya" to any of them. I hate it it makes me want to puke every time and the words are just hollow. Also fun fact I know for sure that if my mom drops dead tomorrow I wouldn't even cry. Honestly I don't know if that's to do with the afamilial or the fact that for 3/4 years I constantly daydreamed that my mom, step dad, dad, and brother had died and I was by myself. I was maybe 12-15 years old at the time when I did that and at the same time with the daydreams I was going around saying "love ya" all the time. 

Also it's not fun right now as my mom and step dad are having relationship problems and it's very hard.

It makes me feel like a villain because if I ever try to explain this to them, it's not gonna go well.

Edited March 31 by TerribleWerewolf

[P4R4D0X]

At some point during my decade and a fifth on earth, 'I love you mom!' became a lie, and 'I love you dad!' just didn't exist in the first place.

they will not not hug me please send help they keep invading my room at 12 am sleeping is just an act ahhhhhhhhhhhh (yes the second 'not' was intentional)

at this point, please, let them die.

Edited April 2 by P4R4D0X

[smac n cheese]

53 minutes ago, P4R4D0X said:

At some point during my decade and a fifth on earth, 'I love you mom!' became a lie, and 'I love you dad!' just didn't exist in the first place.

they will not not hug me please send help they keep invading my room at 12 am sleeping is just an act ahhhhhhhhhhhh (yes the second 'not' was intentional)

at this point, please, let them die.

not to take away from your experience, but that's exactly what's happening to me right now. my parents have absolutely no sense of boundaries, they'll call me insensitive and a narcissist for standing up for myself when they yell at me, and they've threatened to do terrible things. I just CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE and I wish either them, or me, would die

[P4R4D0X]

"I will throw away your chromebook."

 - My father, who (hopefully) knows that the chromebook is for school and it costs 250 dollars to replace.

 

in my neighborhood, its almost guaranteed that at any given time, at least one parent is yelling at their child(ren).

Edited April 3 by P4R4D0X

[smac n cheese]

16 minutes ago, P4R4D0X said:

"I will throw away your chromebook."

 - My father, who (hopefully) knows that the chromebook is for school and it costs 250 dollars to replace.

 

in my neighborhood, its almost guaranteed that at any given time, at least one parent is yelling at their child(ren).

my parents have threatened to cut me off from talking to my friends countless times, (sometimes by throwing away my electronic devices... sometimes by other stuff) 

the worst things they've ever threatened were... hitting me super hard, putting me in a school where everyone hates me, and shipping me off to another country with my even worse family members 

YET THEY STILL WORSHIP MY SISTER'S EVERY TEMPER TANTRUM LIKE IT'S THE BEST THING IN THE WORLD

(dang I gotta move this conversation to the vent thread)