Raininspring

Another thought came to mind for how I realized I was aroace - being asked multiple times throughout my life what type of person I look for in a partner and/or what type of person I'm into and me having no real answer. One time I made a crappy attempt and the only answer I gave was, "um, maybe not someone too tall."

I wonder if I am being suspicious of a particular person for no reason, but the story is months ago when I was delving into a lot of books about being aroace, my manager happened to see one of those books. He obviously read the book title because I left it on the table one day while I was packing up from work and he was there, but he didn't ask me anything about my interest in the book topic. Now months later, in my job organization, I found out I was given an award in an employee recognition program and whoever nominated me had written a little profile blurb about me. What was shocking to me was the nominator used the pronouns "They/them" to refer to me. I had spoken to another manager (not the one who saw my book) about discovering I am aroace, but I have never in any capacity showed any interest in changing my pronouns from "She/her" to "They them". I doubt very much that the person who nominated me was this same manager, but I do suspect it was probably the manager who saw my book. I believe this very strongly because this manager, in the past, has on several occasions called some people by the wrong pronouns and it seems right up his turf to also mistakenly believe being aroace is connected to my gender identity labels. I'm sure for some aroace people gender identity labels is interconnected but for me it is not, unless that changes sometime in the future and I decide differently.

This was an aromantic moment mentioned by one of the co-hosts of Sounds Fake But Okay that I can relate to so much... She described how, when she was younger, she used to envision getting married but it was always about what dress she would wear during it and never about who exactly she was marrying. I too had a similar train of thought when I was a child daydreaming about getting married.

Personally I don't understand the assumption that if I styled my hair differently or look more dressed up that usual that I must be doing it for a "special occasion" (a date?). I make myself look particular ways because I wanted to, not to look good for someone else. I also don't really get the point of actually dressing up for the benefit of impressing someone I might be interested in. Why would I go to that effort when the chances are they won't even notice? I can't see myself behaving differently on a date from just a regular hangout with someone. I'd rather the person see me as I usually behave instead of a false version of myself I present to be pleasing to others.

I am afamilial in the sense the older I get, the more disconnected I feel towards them. I am still housed under the same roof as them because I didn't have a concrete plan for moving out. I am in talks with two coworkers who are also looking for a place. I can honestly say my resentment towards my parents is centered on feeling like the space I'm living in has never truly been mine and many spaces in the home are regulated to my mother acting like it all belongs to her, so I have limited agency of my own to be control of how I want my space to be. The second thing is I'm a grown woman in her 30s and still they treat me like I need their help and/or it's their duty as parents to do stuff for me. I strongly feel the only way they can learn to stop is I make my own life away from them where they have more limited access to me. If I have to hurt them by asserting my independence, I'll do it. I'm sorry, but their generational values have to die out. They cannot live out their whole lives by the principle that the main meaning of life is to obsess over their children, and I cannot continue to perpetuate that problem by staying under the same roof as them. No, I haven't been clear with them about moving out but the last conversation I had with my father about moving out (before I knew my 2 co-workers were also looking), he said a lot of negative things talking down to me about how much I'd suffer and not be able to take care of myself if I lived elsewhere. So I'm pretty much expecting the same patronizing language, except I might feel more protected because while I will be burdened with my share of rent and a learning curve with living with other adults closer to my age, at least I can be around people who will treat me like an actual adult.

You guys are going to hate me (I say this jokingly, of course lol) but I went on a date for Valentine's Day! It was a date in the loose sense, as I was meeting two coworkers over Zoom and we were trying to get acquainted to see if the three of us are compatible as potential roommates. This will be further explored with an upcoming in-person "date".

Since self identifying as aroace, I have always thought Taylor Swift's Anti-Hero was about an aromantic person rising above their peers by becoming successful and happy through their ambition (my headcanon for the mention of the "daughter in law" in the song is that this is an aromantic who wishes to become a parent one day) and having their ambition being mistaken for coldheartedness. Even the "sexy baby" versus "monster on the hill" comparison made me think of the stereotypes some allo people who believe in amatonormativity must have of something being inherently wrong with aro people.

I feel more strongly connected to my aro side than my ace side. Now juggling multiple aroace books I am reading through, i learned the difference between sexual attraction and libido which aren't the same thing. I remember being a very confused preteen who all of a sudden started experiencing an almost uncontrollable urge at times with a desire for sex due to raging hormones but not actually being sexually attracted to anyone in particular. I definitely do recall being mildly curious and often looking at both guys and girls. For boys, I would look at them for aesthetic purposes but being that I grew up with exposure to only heteronormative norms, I would fantasize about being with a guy to live out in my mind what I thought I was supposed to obsess and pine after. For girls, I would ponder what it was both to be them and be with them, as friends or rivals or an exploration of something more or inbetween. It is different now that I am an adult. The most allo I feel is during my ovulation cycle when i can tell from the changes in my body that my hormones are preparing me to be more interested in sex in the hopes of getting pregnant (bleck!). Nowadays the urge is easier to ignore knowing it is only a bodily response that will stop after a few days and quite honestly, I feel tired from just thinking about going through the motions of actual sex in order to scratch the itch. Circling back to the topic of sexual orientation, the lack of sexual attraction versus abundance of libido I experience makes me question if it is actually possible for me to feel "true" sexual attraction without libido usurping its place first. This is further complicated by my alterous romantic attraction to some people, where i feel what seems like a combination of some platonic but also some romantic attraction and/or experiencing feelings of somewhere inbetween the two attractions towards a person. And the weird thing is I feel attracted to the person, not the gender. For example, I recently noticed I have alterous attraction towards a trans female coworker. This attraction seemed to be happening for a while in small increments without me fully consciously aware of it. While I know the person is trans, I don't get the sense within myself that the person's gender influenced my attraction, in the sense I feel like I like the person and not their gender. Now the question is if I feel actual sexual attraction to this person, or do I THINK I am meant to because the culture I grew up with keeps insisting sexual and romantic attraction are inevitably supposed to be paired together...?

Thank you for the articles. This is my first aro Valentine's Day!

The fact there are people who look down on aroaces is what scares me so much as a newer member of this (online) community. I've told two transgendered coworkers about my labels and both were happy for me and really supportive of me possibly finding other aroaces in real life to further my connection with my identity but I nervously admitted I wasn't sure if I could. My hesitancy is because I'm afraid of retaliation and I feel like I don't seem like the typical person on the spectrum who "deserves" visibility.

I'd say this is true for me the more I read different books about aromanticism and the different types of attractions besides romantic attraction. I've come to the realization the attractions I experience most are asethestic and alterous attractions, but it's still very hard to differentiate as sometimes I'll feel platonic attraction that almost feels like it could be romantic. I've never felt the full on 100% romantic attraction that alloromantics have so easily.

I'm glad to not be in a relationship. I don't know if I'll ever change my mind somewhere down the road in life. I actually have no prior romantic or sexual relationships so in a way I feel like a blank slate in not knowing if a committed relationship with someone is something I would want to try. In the hypothetical sense if I entertained the idea as a what-if, my ideal situation would be for the other person to be respectful of my boundaries and we could have good, mutual ongoing communication about the realistic things we could offer to each other without putting dumb expectations on one another.

I am Chinese and only recently came to terms with being greyromantic but I still am pretty confused about where I fall on the asexuality spectrum because while sexual attraction is not completely absent in my life, I don't feel it very often and when I do, I feel exhausted with the perception it is a primal urge and I don't feel like bothering to do anything about it. My parents had and still have some very traditional heteronormative ways of saying or looking at things that were extremely emotionally and mentally damaging to me from an early age. I remember being 11 years old and being scolded for misbehaving and was given a lecture about needing to grow up so I could take care of my own children one day. I got a lot of these kind of bullshit lectures where they spoke to me as if it was a universal predestined concept that I was exclusively interested in marrying a man one day and having his children. How many times I got an earful of, "When you become a parent one day, you will understand." Even their attempt at "helping me" understand why I was beginning puberty through menstruating was for them to say it was a necessary pain all women had to go through. Wtf? I still find myself repulsed at times with the gendered helplessness my mother allows herself to live by as someone who seems to unable to separate her individual identity from her marriage and dependency on my father. She is a victim of the trappings of amatonormativity. They have never pressured me to find a partner and seem to understand I am a solitary person who doesn't mind being alone and spending time alone. We never talk about me having children and I don't bring up the topic either. But a few years back when I was in my early 20's, I was disgusted upon learning my mother tried to set me up with one of her colleagues' sons, without even asking for my consent beforehand. I doubt I will ever "come out" to them. Their English is not very good, and that is a serious barrier in communicating these concepts to them. They barely understand people who don't identify as non-heterosexual and in several past instances they've made some unkind and ignorant comments about people's sexual and gender orientations, so I can't imagine they would understand romantic orientation either. Personally I don't need them to know the specifics. I'm fine with them believing I'm just not interested in anyone because I enjoy my freedom without a partner and/or children.

I genuinely don't understand why couples need to hold hands. In the context of a parent holding a child's hand, I can see it being necessary if the parent is the caretaker and holding the child's hand helps ensure the child doesn't get lost or wander off. But for people who are in a committed relationship, I just don't get it. I've always associated hand holding as something for children. I remember getting to the preteen age phase and my mother still, for whatever reason, wanted to hold my hand whenever we crossed the street and I found it uncomfortable as I didn't see myself as a little child anymore. In another context, once I went hiking with my brother and his girlfriend at the time. He wanted to hold her hand as they both walked. She refused, mostly because both of them were sweaty and she felt gross. I, however, felt repulsed that it wasn't already enough that he was walking side by side with her and was physically close to her but also needed to be even more clingy by wanting to hold her hand. Ugh.

Going by the split attraction model, how you choose to define your romantic attraction could be defined differently from where you are on the sexual attraction spectrum. Your attraction to her could be an aesthetic crush (swish) or a squish (which is a crush but without the desire to form a romantic or sexual relationship with the person). These are terms you can find on this page: