Jump to content

Common Misconceptions About Aros


Robin

Recommended Posts

On 10/6/2023 at 2:16 PM, Helion said:

This was probably listed alr, but whenever I hear

"You are just not mature enough yet, not aromantic :)" or "You just need to find the right person!"

I wanna facepalm. I COULD understand it with, I dunno, a 10 year old or something, but even then, even if it's not permanent for the rest of your life what's the harm in using the label that currently fits you best, even if you MIGHT change it in the future? 

Imagine you think you are gay for 5 years until you discover that you are bisexual. How scandalous, how incredibly and utterly terrible, how world-ending! This "But you might change!" thing specifically seems to affect aspec people for some reason. It's weird.

I feel like in some cases, whole entire families, or parents, don't want their kid to even explore labels or expression, because they don't want to come to terms with the fact that their child may be queer, even if it could be a phase they're in.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 3 weeks later...
On 8/26/2023 at 12:18 PM, The Newest Fabled Creature said:

Someone has definitely said this already, but:

People believing you'll still fall in love, or would hold onto the hope you'll fall in love, despite explaining and even showing how that won't be the case.

Allonormativity is so ingrained into people, that coming out as aro to others who don't know about it, or barely grasp it, may say, "Okay, I understand, you just don't feel that way towards people," but would still hold onto this hope - this "inevitable" gotcha moment - that you'll still find someone and fall in love. And if someone who's aro might end up in a relationship of some sort, they wouldn't hear the end of it from these kinds of people. Hell, some aro/aro-spec people I know have heard their family members - family members who claimed that said aro relative will always have their "undying support" - say to them, "Why did you tell us if you were gonna end up being in a relationship anyway?" As if the aro person in question who chose to confide in them with such personal information, even with the possibility that maybe it wouldn't matter if they came out if they ended up in a relationship, was silly for that confiding.

What also chaps my ass is the whole entire argument of, "Oh, a young person can't know if they're aro (or any queer identity ever) because they're a kid." When a allocishet kid can be left alone, because that identity is so defaulted it's not questioned at all if Little Jimmy has a crush on Little Sarah. Like, if people are going to believe the whole entire, "Oh, it could be a phase!" or "Kids don't know that much about themselves!" that they need to apply that to straight cisgender kids, as well. Because there's many people who thought they were allosexual/alloromantic, or straight, or cisgender, for years, till they realized that they actually weren't; doesn't make their previous identity not valid, but people don't take these kinds of experiences into account at all; but oh, if someone identified as queer and either found that they weren't, or were another identity, then it's all "People are making it up" or "It's a phase" type shit.

I also find it incredibly stupid as well, when a girl and boy befriend each other, that their separate parents go, "Oh I can just imagine them being married already 🥲" Um... excuse me? They're fucking three?!

Literally bc thinking I was alloromantic and heterosexual was a phase😭 And I hate it when ppl say ¨ if you decide to date...¨ like I just explicitly told you that I do not have the parts for the machine and you still think it will run??

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 3 weeks later...
On 8/26/2023 at 10:18 AM, The Newest Fabled Creature said:

I also find it incredibly stupid as well, when a girl and boy befriend each other, that their separate parents go, "Oh I can just imagine them being married already 🥲" Um... excuse me? They're fucking three?!

Imagine the parents nudging to two three-year-olds toward each other, not only saying how they'd make a good married couple, but also saying they'll have kids of their own, then start talking about the three-year-olds having sex together. (I know it probably won't get that extreme, but that's what went through my head when reading this.)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 11/20/2023 at 11:43 PM, GoodbyeRepublicServices said:

Imagine the parents nudging to two three-year-olds toward each other, not only saying how they'd make a good married couple, but also saying they'll have kids of their own, then start talking about the three-year-olds having sex together. (I know it probably won't get that extreme, but that's what went through my head when reading this.)

They do inadvertently talk about that. It reminds me of something that'll haunt me forever, but does ring true, it was someone saying that when you think of pink being a girl/woman color, and blue as a boy/man color, or even unconsciously associate those colors with gender in any way, you're inadvertently thinking of what someone's body could look like when wearing those colors. It's not that you even mean to think of or speak of those things, but it's what's being implied at the end of the day.

Edited by The Newest Fabled Creature
  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 months later...
  • 2 weeks later...

I'm going to say a misconception that I have come across is that some people think that we are do not want but are willing to give. Like, I do not want to engage in romantic relationships, but some people think that "love" triumphs over that, so if I "loved" them enough, I would give them what they want and date them and all that without expecting they "return the favour".

A rejection from me is simply a rejection. I am not willing to "compromise" within a relationship because I am not willing to be in a relationship in the first place. I also will not be someone's doll to hang around make someone feel better about themselves by identifying as their significant other. 

I had a girl I knew since we were kids beg me to be in a relationship with her even if I didn't feel attraction towards her. There were tears involved. I don't really understand and I don't think she understood what she was asking. Being in a relationship with someone to make them feel better while lying to everyone and saying that we are dating—it makes me feel ill.

Some people act like being single means someone is "available" for a relationship and that as long as that person is single, there is time to convince or change someone's mind about rejection, so I suppose people assume that saying one is aromantic is just a convenient excuse to reject someone rather than a real orientation.

Edited by Mult
  • Like 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 4 weeks later...
On 11/2/2023 at 7:28 PM, Guest said:

Literally bc thinking I was alloromantic and heterosexual was a phase😭 And I hate it when ppl say ¨ if you decide to date...¨ like I just explicitly told you that I do not have the parts for the machine and you still think it will run??

Right??? Even when you thoroughly explain to someone how it would not work they still don't seem to grasp it?

Like, it's alright if you don't understand, just don't tell me to fix myself basically.

On 2/14/2024 at 1:48 PM, Mult said:

I'm going to say a misconception that I have come across is that some people think that we are do not want but are willing to give. Like, I do not want to engage in romantic relationships, but some people think that "love" triumphs over that, so if I "loved" them enough, I would give them what they want and date them and all that without expecting they "return the favour".

A rejection from me is simply a rejection. I am not willing to "compromise" within a relationship because I am not willing to be in a relationship in the first place. I also will not be someone's doll to hang around make someone feel better about themselves by identifying as their significant other. 

I had a girl I knew since we were kids beg me to be in a relationship with her even if I didn't feel attraction towards her. There were tears involved. I don't really understand and I don't think she understood what she was asking. Being in a relationship with someone to make them feel better while lying to everyone and saying that we are dating—it makes me feel ill.

Some people act like being single means someone is "available" for a relationship and that as long as that person is single, there is time to convince or change someone's mind about rejection, so I suppose people assume that saying one is aromantic is just a convenient excuse to reject someone rather than a real orientation.

I actually hate the idea that "love triumphs over all" when it comes to robbing someone else of their agency. I do not like people that think I'll change my mind, just because they got their feels hurt from forming a crush on me, and I rejected them. I'm "sorry," but no one is special enough to make me change my mind. For me, not being interested in dating and not being able to fall in love is utterly non-negotiable. There is absolutely no compromise. I have told people that I'm single but that I wasn't interested in dating at all, and a few times people have come back to just bother me about it as if I would ever change my mind, and some had become harassment issues until I had to "act like a bitch" to run them off.

Edited by The Newest Fabled Creature
  • Like 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 3/8/2024 at 5:32 PM, The Newest Fabled Creature said:

until I had to "act like a bitch" to run them off

It's crazy how being rude or distant is something that some people will only accept when being rejected and how simply being friendly is considered flirty or open to a relationship. Tired of "no" being treated like a "not right now but ask again later"

  • Like 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...
On 3/8/2024 at 4:32 PM, The Newest Fabled Creature said:

There is absolutely no compromise. I have told people that I'm single but that I wasn't interested in dating at all, and a few times people have come back to just bother me about it as if I would ever change my mind, and some had become harassment issues until I had to "act like a bitch" to run them off.

Omg YES. In college I once went drinking with some people a friend of a friend who I only just met for the first time that night was absolutely hounding me. The topic of dating came up super briefly and I tried to brush off my turn to talk with a simple "not looking for a relationship" so we could move on but I tell you that dude LOCKED IN. Didn't matter how many times people tried to change the subject or drag him away to distract him, he always came back to me persistently trying to pry out the reason that I didn't want to date. It was crazy and made everyone uncomfortable. I don't know what he was expecting? As if it was any of his business and I just met him for the first time??

Sorry just had to drop this rant in here lol

But fr "I'm not looking for a relationship" is a full sentence. No further discussion needed. Could literally not be any clearer. Aro or not, the reason doesn't matter. Acting like you can change my mind if you say the "right" words or do the "right" things is just insulting in so many ways. It shows that you either think I'm too stupid to make my own decisions or that I must be damaged and in need of rescue. I'm not some puzzle to solve where you get a prize at the end, so kindly shoot your shot at a range that's actually open.

  • Like 6
Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, A_Mess said:

Omg YES. In college I once went drinking with some people a friend of a friend who I only just met for the first time that night was absolutely hounding me. The topic of dating came up super briefly and I tried to brush off my turn to talk with a simple "not looking for a relationship" so we could move on but I tell you that dude LOCKED IN. Didn't matter how many times people tried to change the subject or drag him away to distract him, he always came back to me persistently trying to pry out the reason that I didn't want to date. It was crazy and made everyone uncomfortable. I don't know what he was expecting? As if it was any of his business and I just met him for the first time??

Sorry just had to drop this rant in here lol

But fr "I'm not looking for a relationship" is a full sentence. No further discussion needed. Could literally not be any clearer. Aro or not, the reason doesn't matter. Acting like you can change my mind if you say the "right" words or do the "right" things is just insulting in so many ways. It shows that you either think I'm too stupid to make my own decisions or that I must be damaged and in need of rescue. I'm not some puzzle to solve where you get a prize at the end, so kindly shoot your shot at a range that's actually open.

Yes, exactly. "No means no" and "people don't owe anyone romantic feelings" is a topic on its own a lot can be said about, for both aros and non-aros. 

And can relate to an extent. Luckily I wasn't persistently pursued by a "potential romantic interest", but during school times certain other girls won't let me breathe with "which boy do you like?" and "why don't you have a boyfriend?" over and over again despite me telling many times that I'm just not interested in that. Those two girls in particular literally didn't have another conversation topic with me, well also "why don't you use cosmetics?" all over again too, which also wasn't their right to "fix" me about. Through probably a situation when someone does the "why don't you have a partner?" thing implying "why I am not your partner" is worse.

Sorry for everyone who had dealt with this kind of people. 

  • Like 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

9 hours ago, A_Mess said:

I'm not some puzzle to solve where you get a prize at the end, so kindly shoot your shot at a range that's actually open.

This is so eloquent, I'll need to use it at some point if what I said were to happen again.

I think some people just need to internalize that you shouldn't have to literally convince someone to be with you, or to give you an explanation into something personal, or to do something romantic/sexual for you. People often forget that, because being persistent or chasing someone is normalized and defaulted (most of the time with men, but some cases with women or anyone, though it's a different kind of persistence); it's maybe not liked by everyone, but definitely normalized and defaulted. And I am not saying that being persistent or chasing is inherently bad, just as long as everyone involved actually wants to be chased or wants to be persistent, and has actually and actively communicated that. We see in movies and shows the Guy™️ character chasing the Girl™️ character, and either she literally doesn't know about it, or she's suddenly all bashful despite not having liked the guy in the beginning, and that has always confused me??

7 hours ago, Ekaterina said:

Yes, exactly. "No means no" and "people don't owe anyone romantic feelings" is a topic on its own a lot can be said about, for both aros and non-aros. 

And can relate to an extent. Luckily I wasn't persistently pursued by a "potential romantic interest", but during school times certain other girls won't let me breathe with "which boy do you like?" and "why don't you have a boyfriend?" over and over again despite me telling many times that I'm just not interested in that. Those two girls in particular literally didn't have another conversation topic with me, well also "why don't you use cosmetics?" all over again too, which also wasn't their right to "fix" me about. Through probably a situation when someone does the "why don't you have a partner?" thing implying "why I am not your partner" is worse.

Sorry for everyone who had dealt with this kind of people. 

I've had "friends" like that too, though mainly in middle school. In high school some people had crushes on me, but no one ever actively pursued me, and that felt great. In middle school, though, lot's of guys kept on asking me if I was dating anyone, including girls - who either were just confused as to why I told them I never dated anyone and don't want to, or some of the girls I knew had crushes on me too - and some even asked why I didn't use makeup and I knew they were jabbing at my acne, though I would tell them that I simply didn't like using makeup, which is still true; Hell, a guy friend of mine asked me, "How do you not feel insecure at all?" and for a while I thought that that was an admirable trait of mine to not care, but then that question only started to make me feel more insecure than I ever did in my school life for a good long while. I think I was made more insecure about why I didn't want to date though, since everyone kept wanting to know why.

Edited by The Newest Fabled Creature
  • Like 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 3/24/2024 at 1:10 AM, A_Mess said:

I'm not some puzzle to solve where you get a prize at the end, so kindly shoot your shot at a range that's actually open.

I absolutely love this.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I wonder if I am being suspicious of a particular person for no reason, but the story is months ago when I was delving into a lot of books about being aroace, my manager happened to see one of those books. He obviously read the book title because I left it on the table one day while I was packing up from work and he was there, but he didn't ask me anything about my interest in the book topic. Now months later, in my job organization, I found out I was given an award in an employee recognition program and whoever nominated me had written a little profile blurb about me. What was shocking to me was the nominator used the pronouns "They/them" to refer to me. I had spoken to another manager (not the one who saw my book) about discovering I am aroace, but I have never in any capacity showed any interest in changing my pronouns from "She/her" to "They them". I doubt very much that the person who nominated me was this same manager, but I do suspect it was probably the manager who saw my book. I believe this very strongly because this manager, in the past, has on several occasions called some people by the wrong pronouns and it seems right up his turf to also mistakenly believe being aroace is connected to my gender identity labels. I'm sure for some aroace people gender identity labels is interconnected but for me it is not, unless that changes sometime in the future and I decide differently.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 months later...
Posted (edited)

This had to have definitely been said, but the fucking manipulation/abuse allegation that aromantics get sometimes.

I was talking about aromantic men and women, and someone said, "Men just want to sleep with people any," and when I mentioned asexual men they said, "Ain't no way a man don't want sex, no matter who it's with." And that same person also said that women who were aromantic wasn't them having a queer identity, but it was instead them being "hoes." But the person I was talking to was perfectly okay with thinking that it's possible for women to be asexual??? To which, I think they were probably just equating asexuality to celibacy. I know there are asexual people that are celibate, but usually there's this creepy underlining of "Oh, you have to secretly want to jump someone's bones," when it comes to celibacy alone as a whole, which just circles back to allonormativity.

Of course, I left this conversation just as soon as it turned arophobic/acephobic, but wtf. Sorry if this comment upsets anyone, I wouldn't blame you.

Edited by The Newest Fabled Creature
Link to comment
Share on other sites

This has definitely already been said, but I hate the misconception that all aros are ace. For me, my aromantic identity is far more important to how I move about the world than my sexuality (or lack thereof). Also, the infantilization sucks. I'm not a child, I'm a grown-ass man with back pain and taxes to pay. Leave me and my lack of romantic attraction alone.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...