A_Mess

Think I was like 11 or 12 when I was asked by my older brother’s gf if I had anyone I liked. I vividly remember saying “No. Boys are gross!” Everyone else in the room, including my mom, just laughed and said things “You’ll see when you get older,” telling me I’ll grow out of it. Spoiler alert: Never grew out of it lol

One memory I laugh at as an aro moment now is when I was in elementary school. I pretended to have a crush on a boy in class who literally every other girl had a crush on, and one day two of my friends had the idea to ask him to meet us somewhere and tell him our feelings. The entire day, the two of them were scared out of their minds leading up to it so I did all the prep of writing and delivering the note through his friends because I was stone cold unbothered. Even I thought it was weird that I didn't feel anything. Then the time comes, we're waiting at the spot, those two are freaking out, and we see him approaching. Right then, the other two get scared and run away, ditching me there right as he shows up with his friend. And their timing was so he couldn't even see them run so now it just looked like I was the only one there. So that was embarrassing. No way I was about to do the confession by myself (especially when I didn't actually have feelings for him) so I just ran too and spent the rest of recess (lol) chasing down the other two and trying to drag them back to follow through. (Poor guy was probably so confused 🤣) It's just such an aro memory for me because of how unaffected I was compared to my friends who were freaking out for reasons I didn't really understand. I say I was faking my crush but at the time I at least sorta thought it was a real crush. (It wasn't obviously; I just felt the pressure to have one so I picked him because I liked his hair.) This was one of those early moments where I really began to see that things like romance and attraction usually caused people to have intense emotions, and it became obvious that my feelings were not the same as theirs. Also, it's been like 15 years and I'm still holding a grudge about them ditching me there 😭

Whatever the reasons are, breakups are never pleasant. It probably won't be easy to do, but just remind yourself that breaking it off is the best for both of you. Even if you love them as a person, the relationship is making you miserable, and while they might be hurt, they will also have the chance to find someone who wants the same things as them. Depending on how knowledgeable or accepting they are of LGBTQ+, consider whether or not you want to thoroughly explain your identity. Just remember: you absolutely do NOT have to. Simply explaining that you don't feel romantically towards them (anymore?) is enough.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds like you're using the term "aromanticism" to describe a lifestyle choice/preference. Not desiring a "normative relationship" could probably be considered "queer" on some level maybe, but that interpretation of aro is kind of putting the cart before the horse I think? I am aro because I do not experience romantic attraction on any level to anybody. That's not the result of any past life events or a value system; it's just how I am and have always been. And it just so happens that no romantic attraction means no desire for a romantic relationship in any form. But I do like and appreciate the idea of those relationships, even if it would never work for me. If I did experience romantic attraction, I would probably want that. (Additionally, what you described as a "normative relationship"--"a typical highly committed relationship"--could also describe QPRs, which many aros have) I agree that labels are good tools for connecting with others, but they have value specifically because they are not for just anybody. My understanding is that LGBTQ+ labels are specifically meant to articulate identities that exist outside of normative romance, sexuality, and gender standards, and for me, being aro just IS who I am. Even before I knew the words to describe it, it has always been a large part of my identity and has informed how I experience and understand the world. And that's also why I don't necessarily agree with what you said here: We could probably bond over enjoying the single life a lot of the time, but there would still be a real difference in our experiences. I don't see why we should want more people to see their experiences reflected in the label. Like I said, the label has value exactly because it's not for everyone. But it would definitely be good for more people to come to know about it and understand it. Also, while I can appreciate the sentiment of your last statement and think that other forms of relationships and living without relationships should become more accepted, I don't think recruiting more people to "become aro" would accomplish anything good. I think it would just result in burying and erasing a lot of people's genuine experiences of BEING aro, which would end up reinforcing the idea of alloromanticism as a default. Please let me know if anyone has any other thoughts.

Omg YES. In college I once went drinking with some people a friend of a friend who I only just met for the first time that night was absolutely hounding me. The topic of dating came up super briefly and I tried to brush off my turn to talk with a simple "not looking for a relationship" so we could move on but I tell you that dude LOCKED IN. Didn't matter how many times people tried to change the subject or drag him away to distract him, he always came back to me persistently trying to pry out the reason that I didn't want to date. It was crazy and made everyone uncomfortable. I don't know what he was expecting? As if it was any of his business and I just met him for the first time?? Sorry just had to drop this rant in here lol But fr "I'm not looking for a relationship" is a full sentence. No further discussion needed. Could literally not be any clearer. Aro or not, the reason doesn't matter. Acting like you can change my mind if you say the "right" words or do the "right" things is just insulting in so many ways. It shows that you either think I'm too stupid to make my own decisions or that I must be damaged and in need of rescue. I'm not some puzzle to solve where you get a prize at the end, so kindly shoot your shot at a range that's actually open.

When a guy I'd only known for a day asked for my number and I had no idea that that meant something other than wanting to be friends so I said yes without thinking and then both of our friend groups who were nearby immediately started congratulating him and made "get a room" comments the rest of the day (very uncomfortable). Apparently to them, giving him my number meant agreeing to date but no one told me that! >:( And we were literally like 13-14 year-olds so of course I just felt like I was the one who made the mistake and went along with it for months. I know being that age makes it sound not very serious but his family literally invited mine to go on a trip with them so they were taking it seriously at least (lovely people btw; they invited us again the next year even after we stopped dating)

Very true. Once I was ironing this new pair of pants I got so they'd be ready to wear and I just happened to be doing so before going to hang out with a new guy friend, so my mom came to the conclusion that I was going on a date and was poking me about it. I didn't even wear those pants in the end lol But even if I did, like, I just want to feel good when I go outside by wearing things I like? Why does it have to be assumed that I want some kind of attention from others when I wear the nice clothes I picked out for myself?

Freshman year of high school my boyfriend broke up with me over text early in the morning. My mom happened to see it on my phone screen before I woke up and was ready to console me, even asking if I was okay to go to school that day. During school, I told my friends and got so much sympathy that I didn't feel was necessary. One friend asked me to rate my heartbreak on a scale of 1-10. Don't remember my answer but I think it might have been 4 or 5 (I was absolutely exaggerating for appearances) and my friends were surprised it was so low but chalked it up to "I guess he wasn't that great anyway." Actually, I was hella relieved. Both because I disliked being in a relationship and because he was the worst boyfriend I'd had before or since. Added bit for the tea: A while later he tried to ask out my best friend and then asked to get back together when she turned him down. Obviously said no lol

I've only really "come out" to one person directly and I don't even remember what their immediate response was because I had dropped it in the middle of another semi-related conversation with an "i think" attached to it. But their response since then has been nice and kind of makes me think of that "He a little confused, but he got the spirit" meme. They've been very supportive in kind of odd ways but it's appreciated lol. Most recently, we had a conversation where they reached out to ask me what a QPR was and I did my best to explain it. I don't think they really "got" it but they respect it. And I guess to show solidarity they suggested that I start my "QPR hoe era". 🤣

I get this. I had a relationship kind of similar for some months in high school. It wasn't my first, but it was the one that really opened my eyes to the fact that I couldn't have relationships like other people. I agreed to go out because we had been friends for a while and it seemed like a natural progression and from the beginning I was open with the fact that I didn't like him that way but was open to dating to see if feelings would develop later and he was fine with that. But really, as soon as we changed the label from "friendship" to "relationship" it was like I completely shut down. He never did anything wrong and if anything was too accommodating to me, but suddenly it was like everything he did just made me so uncomfortable and sometimes irritated. I could barely even talk to him even when he was sitting right next to me. I never got upset with him and tried not to let my discomfort show too much, but I was very avoidant. He never broke up with me I guess because he still had hope and I had too much anxiety to break up until the last day of the school year (he was very nice about it when I did). It was a miserable experience for me and I'm sure my behavior hurt his feelings too and I tend to look back on it as a warning to myself to be careful. He was the one who liked me and wanted to date, but agreeing and staying when I couldn't reciprocate just dragged out a painful situation and wasted his time. After that, I resolved myself to firmly reject any dates until I figured out my issues, and then tried once more in college at the recommendation of a therapist. That predictably went almost the exact same way, but thankfully we mutually ended it a lot sooner with little damage done and we're still friends years later. In both cases, I legitimately just couldn't understand their feelings at all no matter how much I tried and would end up getting really upset often because of it. But I do try my best not to let my own situation hurt others.

Don't know if anyone is interested, but I actually made a zine about gender performativity in film back in 2021 for a class assignment. I focus heavily on the ideas of the gender theorist, Judith Butler. Her performativity theory probably isn't a definitive answer to the question of what gender is, but it might be good food for thought. https://drive.google.com/file/d/1kH2Je-tpF-vbVihEak80e5TSteBhaAbp/view?usp=sharing (I cite a lot of Butler's works if anyone wants to read them in more detail.)