A_Mess
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Correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds like you're using the term "aromanticism" to describe a lifestyle choice/preference. Not desiring a "normative relationship" could probably be considered "queer" on some level maybe, but that interpretation of aro is kind of putting the cart before the horse I think? I am aro because I do not experience romantic attraction on any level to anybody. That's not the result of any past life events or a value system; it's just how I am and have always been. And it just so happens that no romantic attraction means no desire for a romantic relationship in any form. But I do like and appreciate the idea of those relationships, even if it would never work for me. If I did experience romantic attraction, I would probably want that. (Additionally, what you described as a "normative relationship"--"a typical highly committed relationship"--could also describe QPRs, which many aros have) I agree that labels are good tools for connecting with others, but they have value specifically because they are not for just anybody. My understanding is that LGBTQ+ labels are specifically meant to articulate identities that exist outside of normative romance, sexuality, and gender standards, and for me, being aro just IS who I am. Even before I knew the words to describe it, it has always been a large part of my identity and has informed how I experience and understand the world. And that's also why I don't necessarily agree with what you said here: We could probably bond over enjoying the single life a lot of the time, but there would still be a real difference in our experiences. I don't see why we should want more people to see their experiences reflected in the label. Like I said, the label has value exactly because it's not for everyone. But it would definitely be good for more people to come to know about it and understand it. Also, while I can appreciate the sentiment of your last statement and think that other forms of relationships and living without relationships should become more accepted, I don't think recruiting more people to "become aro" would accomplish anything good. I think it would just result in burying and erasing a lot of people's genuine experiences of BEING aro, which would end up reinforcing the idea of alloromanticism as a default. Please let me know if anyone has any other thoughts.
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Hey! Does anyone have any suggestions for aro spaces to make aro friends? I only really know of this forum
I love my friends and they’re supportive but there’s definitely a disconnect in our experiences and I would like to try getting to know some other aro peeps
I’ve also been kicking around the idea of a qpr but still not sure
Thanks!
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Omg YES. In college I once went drinking with some people a friend of a friend who I only just met for the first time that night was absolutely hounding me. The topic of dating came up super briefly and I tried to brush off my turn to talk with a simple "not looking for a relationship" so we could move on but I tell you that dude LOCKED IN. Didn't matter how many times people tried to change the subject or drag him away to distract him, he always came back to me persistently trying to pry out the reason that I didn't want to date. It was crazy and made everyone uncomfortable. I don't know what he was expecting? As if it was any of his business and I just met him for the first time?? Sorry just had to drop this rant in here lol But fr "I'm not looking for a relationship" is a full sentence. No further discussion needed. Could literally not be any clearer. Aro or not, the reason doesn't matter. Acting like you can change my mind if you say the "right" words or do the "right" things is just insulting in so many ways. It shows that you either think I'm too stupid to make my own decisions or that I must be damaged and in need of rescue. I'm not some puzzle to solve where you get a prize at the end, so kindly shoot your shot at a range that's actually open.
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When a guy I'd only known for a day asked for my number and I had no idea that that meant something other than wanting to be friends so I said yes without thinking and then both of our friend groups who were nearby immediately started congratulating him and made "get a room" comments the rest of the day (very uncomfortable). Apparently to them, giving him my number meant agreeing to date but no one told me that! >:( And we were literally like 12-13 year-olds so of course I just felt like I was the one who made the mistake and went along with it for months. I know being that age makes it sound not very serious but his family literally invited mine to go on a trip with them so they were taking it seriously at least (lovely people btw; they invited us again the next year even after we stopped dating)
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Very true. Once I was ironing this new pair of pants I got so they'd be ready to wear and I just happened to be doing so before going to hang out with a new guy friend, so my mom came to the conclusion that I was going on a date and was poking me about it. I didn't even wear those pants in the end lol But even if I did, like, I just want to feel good when I go outside by wearing things I like? Why does it have to be assumed that I want some kind of attention from others when I wear the nice clothes I picked out for myself?
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Freshman year of high school my boyfriend broke up with me over text early in the morning. My mom happened to see it on my phone screen before I woke up and was ready to console me, even asking if I was okay to go to school that day. During school, I told my friends and got so much sympathy that I didn't feel was necessary. One friend asked me to rate my heartbreak on a scale of 1-10. Don't remember my answer but I think it might have been 4 or 5 (I was absolutely exaggerating for appearances) and my friends were surprised it was so low but chalked it up to "I guess he wasn't that great anyway." Actually, I was hella relieved. Both because I disliked being in a relationship and because he was the worst boyfriend I'd had before or since. Added bit for the tea: A while later he tried to ask out my best friend and then asked to get back together when she turned him down. Obviously said no lol
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Not sure why, but today I ended up thinking a lot about what I'll say when I eventually come out to my parents and I'm pretty sure I'll need a powerpoint presentation to get the point across 😅
I'm not planning to for a while, though. Guess my brain was just hellbent on doing anything but focusing on studying 🤣
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I've only really "come out" to one person directly and I don't even remember what their immediate response was because I had dropped it in the middle of another semi-related conversation with an "i think" attached to it. But their response since then has been nice and kind of makes me think of that "He a little confused, but he got the spirit" meme. They've been very supportive in kind of odd ways but it's appreciated lol. Most recently, we had a conversation where they reached out to ask me what a QPR was and I did my best to explain it. I don't think they really "got" it but they respect it. And I guess to show solidarity they suggested that I start my "QPR hoe era". 🤣 -
I get this. I had a relationship kind of similar for some months in high school. It wasn't my first, but it was the one that really opened my eyes to the fact that I couldn't have relationships like other people. I agreed to go out because we had been friends for a while and it seemed like a natural progression and from the beginning I was open with the fact that I didn't like him that way but was open to dating to see if feelings would develop later and he was fine with that. But really, as soon as we changed the label from "friendship" to "relationship" it was like I completely shut down. He never did anything wrong and if anything was too accommodating to me, but suddenly it was like everything he did just made me so uncomfortable and sometimes irritated. I could barely even talk to him even when he was sitting right next to me. I never got upset with him and tried not to let my discomfort show too much, but I was very avoidant. He never broke up with me I guess because he still had hope and I had too much anxiety to break up until the last day of the school year (he was very nice about it when I did). It was a miserable experience for me and I'm sure my behavior hurt his feelings too and I tend to look back on it as a warning to myself to be careful. He was the one who liked me and wanted to date, but agreeing and staying when I couldn't reciprocate just dragged out a painful situation and wasted his time. After that, I resolved myself to firmly reject any dates until I figured out my issues, and then tried once more in college at the recommendation of a therapist. That predictably went almost the exact same way, but thankfully we mutually ended it a lot sooner with little damage done and we're still friends years later. In both cases, I legitimately just couldn't understand their feelings at all no matter how much I tried and would end up getting really upset often because of it. But I do try my best not to let my own situation hurt others.
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Just added Ace to my orientation to complete the set 🎉
I kind of figured I would come to this conclusion eventually so it wasn't nearly as big of a deal to me this time.
It is funny that it took until now though because there was a short stint in high school that I used the Asexual label because my friends said I should. I don't remember what prompted it back then but they clearly knew better than me 😅
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Don't know if anyone is interested, but I actually made a zine about gender performativity in film back in 2021 for a class assignment. I focus heavily on the ideas of the gender theorist, Judith Butler. Her performativity theory probably isn't a definitive answer to the question of what gender is, but it might be good food for thought. https://drive.google.com/file/d/1kH2Je-tpF-vbVihEak80e5TSteBhaAbp/view?usp=sharing (I cite a lot of Butler's works if anyone wants to read them in more detail.)
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I've recently watched two shows recently that made me feel some type of way about my own aromanticism. I don't really have any coherent points to make; I'm just ranting a little.
The first was Call of the Night, which is the one of the few anime I've seen with a main character that's like... clearly aromantic. I related a lot with the moments where he talked about not understanding romantic love and how much he was trying to fall in love with the female lead. I appreciated these moments but was expecting him to start falling in love any second, and I was really pleasantly surprised that no, he actually didn't magically start to change. There was a fair amount of focus put on him trying to understand himself and his own feelings. I've only seen the anime so far and I'm holding out hope in the manga that he just realizes that he's aromantic and life goes on, but his entire goal in the story is to fall in love with a vampire so I'm prepared for disappointment. If it turns out that he was actually demi or something I guess that'd be fine, I'd just feel really let down since I was happy about feeling represented for once.
The second was Romantic Killer. I loved the show! Thought it was cute and funny and can't wait for the second season! But I gotta say, that first episode might have ticked me off a little bit >.< . The main character was just minding her own business enjoying the things that made her happy and not giving a single f about romance when this little s*** shows up, takes all of her favorite things away, and forces her to make romance a priority. Like, I know it isn't that deep. It's just a silly premise for a romantic comedy, but damn. As someone who has only recently come to terms with the fact that romance never will have a place in my life--because it literally can't--that felt like a knife to the chest. My friend who had recommended this show to me said that the first episode reminded them of me, which gave me one of these moments:
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Hadn't thought about it much but I have decided just now that it is the Calathea Medallion. I mean, just look at it. The leaves look like they're painted ❤️ I also relate to this plant because I too am easily sunburned, don't like tap water, and am prone to iron deficiency. 🤣
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Today I had a long and involved conversation about aromanticism with a friend. It wasn't planned, but they had a lot of questions about my own experience and where exactly the line is between romantic love and deep platonic love. It was hard for me explain since I have less than zero idea what romantic love feels like, but I was at least able to articulate at what point certain behaviors cause me to feel uncomfortable (it has a lot to do with the implied or perceived intention behind them). We watched this video together and occasionally paused to discuss or do more research and it was overall pretty fun!
