Flirting as an aromantic

[Lie-RennyValkyrie_]

Despite what everyone that knows me irl seems to think I can be a flirtatious person sometimes. I often tend to semi-flirt with guys even though I'm aro and I have no attraction to males and no desire to date them. Whenever i catch myself doing this I stop though as i Dont want to lead the guy on. I also semi-flirt with my  best friend often.

 

Can you be a flirtatious Aromatic? Is it wrong to flirt with your best friend (she knows I'm aro and has no interest in her romantically)?

 

By the way my flirting is basically:

◼Change of tone to a more cutesy tone.

◼Adding smiley and winking faces to texts.

◼Adding a ~ on the end of things.

◼Smiling when speaking to them (I don't smile much)

◼Change in stance when I speak to again a more cutesy stance.

◼Change in the way I speak. (Like the words I use)

And other small changes like that

[Ettina]

Sorry for off topic, but... aromatic?

[Mark]

On 04/07/2017 at 1:14 PM, Lie-RennyValkyrie_ said:

Can you be a flirtatious Aromatic? Is it wrong to flirt with your best friend (she knows I'm aro and has no interest in her romantically)?

It seems not uncommon for flirting to be seen as intrinsically romantic rather than romantic coded on aro forms.
Thus it can get dismissed as oxymoronic. (As can also be the case with "aromantic dating").
I've always though of flirtation as sexual. However as you identify as ace that makes it look a far more complex issue.

[James White]

I know I'm capable of flirting. I think the real reason I don't do it is because I grew up surrounded by puritans. I can't stop thinking about how embarrassing it would be if my parents found out I was doing so. 

 

I figure joke flirting is fine as long as the recipient knows you aren't serious. I've never had a problem with it, at least. 

 

Also you might want to change the thread title from Aromatic to Aromantic...

[omitef]

Can you be a flirtatious aro? Yes? Before my friend got a girlfriend, I enjoyed helping him chat up girls on Tinder. Before realising I was ace, I enjoyed casual sextscapades on other dating/sex apps. Although honestly I think I was more thrilled with the intellectual excitement of coming up with witty remarks on the spot, rather than the act of flirting itself.

 

The problem is less with flirting, than it is with how your flirting is perceived. I generally don't trust people not to misconstrue flirting, so I don't do it, regardless of how fun it can be. There's too much of a risk that people might think I'm serious--too much of a risk that I'll hurt them. Alternatively, there's also the risk that other people will think I'm "not really aro" and try to "convert me" into dating them, or toxic folks who complain about being friendzoned. But, hey, if you're around people who 100% accept your aromanticism and won't do any of those weird things, then go for it. 

[Lie-RennyValkyrie_]

On 08/07/2017 at 0:51 PM, Ettina said:

Sorry for off topic, but... aromatic?

 

16 hours ago, James said:

I know I'm capable of flirting. I think the real reason I don't do it is because I grew up surrounded by puritans. I can't stop thinking about how embarrassing it would be if my parents found out I was doing so. 

 

I figure joke flirting is fine as long as the recipient knows you aren't serious. I've never had a problem with it, at least. 

 

Also you might want to change the thread title from Aromatic to Aromantic...

Oops sorry about the aromatic... I've changed it now... Serves me right for not rereading what I had written

[SamwiseLovesLife]

On 08/07/2017 at 6:40 PM, Mark said:

I've always though of flirtation as sexual. However as you identify as ace that makes it look a far more complex issue

I agree on this and am guilty

It's not that I mean anything in a romo/sexual sense, I just enjoy the playfulness of flirting with others. I do it indiscriminately though so as not to give the wrong idea to any particular person.

 

On 04/07/2017 at 1:14 PM, Lie-RennyValkyrie_ said:

By the way my flirting is basically:

◼Change of tone to a more cutesy tone.

◼Adding smiley and winking faces to texts.

◼Adding a ~ on the end of things.

◼Smiling when speaking to them (I don't smile much)

◼Change in stance when I speak to again a more cutesy stance.

◼Change in the way I speak. (Like the words I use)

And other small changes like that

I fairly regularly use sweet voices when speaking to staff/friends/anyone doing something nice for me. Is this flirting?

I only text flirt with friends as they know this is in jest

I smile all the time

I'm also very foreward so I tend to hug people on meeting them (even at the first meeting) and pay people allot of attention, good eye-contact, etc. I always laugh at a person's jokes and treat everyone I meet in as friendly a manner as I can convey. I have been told this could be misconstrued but again I do it indiscriminately so I hope I don't give off the wrong impression..

[Momo]

2 hours ago, SamwiseLovesLife said:

I have been told this could be misconstrued but again I do it indiscriminately so I hope I don't give off the wrong impression..

Of course, if you've just met the person they probably don't know this yet.

 

2 hours ago, SamwiseLovesLife said:

It's not that I mean anything in a romo/sexual sense, I just enjoy the playfulness of flirting with others.

I tend to agree with this and I'm not quite sure what to make of it normally.

[DeltaAro]

I have been accused of flirting when I just tried to be nice. So I guess, I can flirt.

[Lie-RennyValkyrie_]

On 09/07/2017 at 3:40 AM, Mark said:

I've always though of flirtation as sexual. However as you identify as ace that makes it look a far more complex issue.

I'm underage so...

[Blackscarlet666]

I flirt all the time. But all of the time "dating" isn't what's on my mind. I was raised around guys so I got used to flirting. its all I know. I'm Incredibly flirtatious to the point I don't realize I'm doing it. when I do realize, It means I want something else

[Apathetic Echidna]

On 04/07/2017 at 9:44 PM, Lie-RennyValkyrie_ said:

By the way my flirting is basically:

◼Change of tone to a more cutesy tone.

◼Adding smiley and winking faces to texts.

◼Adding a ~ on the end of things.

◼Smiling when speaking to them (I don't smile much)

◼Change in stance when I speak to again a more cutesy stance.

◼Change in the way I speak. (Like the words I use)

And other small changes like that

~? how is that flirting? I use it all the time to mean 'sort of' or 'rough estimate' or 'approximately', damn mathematics teachings. I grew up close to quite a few Chinese kids so I got used to smiling when I get uncomfortable. Gah! is it bad the only things I see as flirting on your list are the cutesy tone and pose? .......well this explains the one guy who spent a month asking for my number.....

 

On 09/07/2017 at 11:36 AM, omitef said:

Can you be a flirtatious aro? Yes? Before my friend got a girlfriend, I enjoyed helping him chat up girls on Tinder. Before realising I was ace, I enjoyed casual sextscapades on other dating/sex apps. Although honestly I think I was more thrilled with the intellectual excitement of coming up with witty remarks on the spot, rather than the act of flirting itself.

 

The problem is less with flirting, than it is with how your flirting is perceived. I generally don't trust people not to misconstrue flirting, so I don't do it, regardless of how fun it can be. There's too much of a risk that people might think I'm serious--too much of a risk that I'll hurt them. Alternatively, there's also the risk that other people will think I'm "not really aro" and try to "convert me" into dating them, or toxic folks who complain about being friendzoned. But, hey, if you're around people who 100% accept your aromanticism and won't do any of those weird things, then go for it. 

When I flirt (and consciously know I am doing it) I like to think of it as mental sparring. It is a fun intellectual game with less structure than chess. That said I only (consciously) flirt with friends I know will take it as the fun I mean it. I am actually more comfortable flirting with friends who have partners or are out as not liking my gender. 

[Momo]

25 minutes ago, Apathetic Echidna said:

~? how is that flirting? I use it all the time to mean 'sort of' or 'rough estimate' or 'approximately', damn mathematics teachings. I grew up close to quite a few Chinese kids so I got used to smiling when I get uncomfortable. Gah! is it bad the only things I see as flirting on your list are the cutesy tone and pose? .......well this explains the one guy who spent a month asking for my number.....

Hey there~

 

When used as a sentence marker like the above, the tilde is usually seen as the text equivalent of "Change of tone to a more cutesy tone."

 

I also use it in the mathematical sense, but that's usually not a suffix, it's either a prefix or infix, ie. ~80 people, 60~100 people.

[Apathetic Echidna]

@Momo I regularly do:

Hey Friend  so we still meeting, I'll see you at place at 6~ 

6~ meaning 6-ish or approximately 6 

[Momo]

3 minutes ago, Apathetic Echidna said:

Hey Friend  so we still meeting, I'll see you at place at 6~ 

Yeah, I can see the confusion then... normally the mathematical version would be 'at ~6', as a prefix. It also prevents this particular form of miscommunication then!

[Apathetic Echidna]

@Momo yeah, I do it unmath-grammatically, generally it is an afterthought and I am too lazy to put it in the right place. I'll try avoiding that from now on. 

[Lie-RennyValkyrie_]

Ha ha Lol yeah ~ is actually a mathematical sign but is also often used to make a text or whatever have more... Hmm idk his to explain it. Its often used in anime though.

[Apathetic Echidna]

recently I have been using it everywhere just cause the ~ is fairly cute in this font. Not texting it anymore though. 

[beautyqueen]

I don't think that there is anything wrong with flirting, you shouldn't have to change yourself to call yourself aro, and I know this isn't a perfect world but in one their shouldn't be people who try to tell you something your not our push you past any line your not comfortable with and if you are comfortable flirting and think it's fun you shouldn't be waking on eggshells to change singing about yourself.

[NullVector]

Interesting topic 

 

I liked:

On 09/07/2017 at 3:06 AM, omitef said:

Although honestly I think I was more thrilled with the intellectual excitement of coming up with witty remarks on the spot, rather than the act of flirting itself.

and

On 10/07/2017 at 11:30 AM, SamwiseLovesLife said:

I just enjoy the playfulness of flirting with others

and

On 23/08/2017 at 3:13 AM, Apathetic Echidna said:

I like to think of it as mental sparring. It is a fun intellectual game with less structure than chess

 

Yeah, I enjoy this sort of thing a lot also. I'd be inclined to try it out far more than I currently do. Only, trouble with flirting is, there is huge scope for having your intentions misconstrued by the other person, since

On 08/07/2017 at 6:40 PM, Mark said:

It seems not uncommon for flirting to be seen as intrinsically romantic rather than romantic coded on aro forms.

So how does one communicate sexual intent and friendliness, without at the same time also (mis)communicating 'romantic' intent? 

 

Also, this is a big issue for me with flirting:

On 10/07/2017 at 11:30 AM, SamwiseLovesLife said:

good eye-contact

Yeah, I find eye-contact of any sort or duration just too intense and really awkward. Anyone else get that?

 

 

54 minutes ago, beautyqueen said:

you shouldn't be waking on eggshells to change singing about yourself

Haha, please don't ever go back and edit this  

[Apathetic Echidna]

On 23/09/2017 at 3:44 AM, NullVector said:

I find eye-contact of any sort or duration just too intense and really awkward. Anyone else get that?

Yeah, I tend to avoid eye contact much of the time, I will look at someone's face as a whole from a distance but the closer they get the less I want to look in their eyes. I will eye contact if I think I have to but I don't like it. I also learn better when I can disengage (?) my eyes, basically I hear and store information better when I either stare into middle distance or write it down as it happens. 

Also some eye colours freak me out, really really pale blue I just can't do. yay rhymes!

[NullVector]

15 hours ago, Apathetic Echidna said:

I will eye contact if I think I have to

There are times when you HAVE to?  I was not told this! 

15 hours ago, Apathetic Echidna said:

also learn better when I can disengage (?) my eyes, basically I hear and store information better when I either stare into middle distance or write it down as it happens. 

I find it impossible to take in any information if I attempt eye contact. It's just too distracting and I completely lose track of what the person is saying. It's like my full mental bandwitdth gets eaten up by this attempt at eye contact and there is then no computing power left over for conversation parsing . In order to concentrate on what they are saying, I better stare at the floor or something . But then some people seem to take this to mean that I'm not concentrating on what they are saying?  

 

I dunno, humans are hard work sometimes! They seem to make a lot of flawed assumptions based on overgeneralising their own interaction style (i.e. assuming that it also applies to others). But I guess if you're more neuerotypical then that's more often right than wrong? Whereas a less neurotypical person doesn't have the same luxury? (I'm not saying I'm "properly" neurodivergent/aspie - I don't think I am - but I think I've got some of the traits, albeit in a fairly mild form, which can make things like flirting even more of a challenge than just the aromanticism by itself does!)

 

15 hours ago, Apathetic Echidna said:

Also some eye colours freak me out, really really pale blue I just can't do

The eyes of the undead!  Lol

[Apathetic Echidna]

2 hours ago, NullVector said:

There are times when you HAVE to?  I was not told this! 

I shall tell you what I think then! When shaking someone's hand at a first meeting, especially if it is for work/family/social climbing~      , When exchanging names for the first time with someone (also to check if they have ZombieHungryHuskyKillYou eyes), When someone gets your order wrong (the eye contact then conveys even more annoyance), there are probably others but I can't think of them now. With friends it is a bit different, I give them more eye contact more often. I guess when I am play flirting with my friends I give fleeting eye contact repeatedly, which would be more than normal. but yeah, getting unblinking stares from close up is only unsettling but I have seen that as an example of flirting in media - but then most media is lies.....

[SamwiseLovesLife]

On 22/09/2017 at 7:14 PM, NullVector said:

So how does one communicate sexual intent and friendliness, without at the same time also (mis)communicating 'romantic' intent? 

Yeah so if anyone has an answer for this, please by all means let me know

Share with the class!

[DeltaAro]

On 9/22/2017 at 8:14 PM, NullVector said:

So how does one communicate sexual intent and friendliness, without at the same time also (mis)communicating 'romantic' intent? 

Is it worth it to become skilled at this? You can probably hone your sexy flirting craft and do it till the cow goes home and it won't get you anywhere, you'll just get flirted back. I suspect that smoothly gliding to the point of a sexual encounter is nearly a complete myth??

 

Or can anybody do this here?

 

The preliminaries seem more banal, in a sense far less complicated, but more “risky” (creating a pretty uncomfortable situation if they go wrong). Moves which are one-sided and beyond any “oh no, you misunderstood my intentions ”-excuses seem unavoidable. But I'm not a specialist!