The Newest Fabled Creature

I cannot explain the level of aromantic vibes I get from Hobie Brown. I guess it's because of him being punk, and I get how he's very no labels and there's lots of punks in general who are like that, so when I say he feels very aro to me, or very non-binary to me even, I say it as not to actively label the character as such, but just what I connected with from his presentation (to which a few of the things about being punk is all about breaking binaries, restrictive systems, being anti-establishment/corporation, androgyny, DIY, and so many others things that I feel disrespectful not remembering to list). Also, what I love about his character so much was the nod to how he let Gwen crash with him, and at first you may think, "Oh? Why did you like that aspect?'' and it's because of how very trans-coded Gwen's story was that if you read her running away from her own universe being because her of father not being able to accept her at the time, then Hobie letting her take refuge with him at his place was because he saw her for who she was, and was one of the few people to immediately see her (which was what technically happened anyway, but yeah I loved it).

I absolutely love songs where they associate "dancing" with mingling, and so I often put songs about the singer not wanting to dance onto my aro playlist: We Don't have To Dance by Andy Black Dance With Me by Topline Addicts (another song that I added from this band was Bea Arthur) I Don't Wanna Dance by COIN But, I also love this band called Mom Rock and two songs I put on my playlist was Bullseye (the song says "Everyone has a heart the shape of a bullseye" which feels a bit amatonormative, but at the same time the people in the music video reject love letters and run from Cupid's bow n' arrow, so I thought it was still a great song to add) and Grand Romantic Life (very much either about someone who doesn't know they're aro or the singer could be interpreted as aro singing about allos).

I also had took part in some celebrity crush conversations to fit in, too. I also did the whole entire aromantic-moment-when-you-picked-who-was-your-crush thing, where I knew I didn't have a crush on this dude in middle school, but when my friends asked me who I liked I felt so on the spot that I picked some guy playing basketball during gym class lol It's kind of funny thinking back on it now. I knew the guy's name, but when I picked him all I said was, "That Guy™️ hunched over on the court." 💀

I haven't read this book yet that I'm about to suggest, so I don't know how good it is, but I have seen it recommended on AUREA's website - "Stuck In Her head" by Kylie Wang and Liana Tang. It has an aromantic (possibly main?) character, and is overall about two girls' relationships evolving over time and their own relationship with each other slowly morphing into something else. I heard that an animator from the Spider-verse movies made the cover and I thought that was cool! I love how there's queer artists and allies working on the Spider-verse films, given the trans story and advocacy with Gwen, how Peter B. kind of seems to just emit bisexual energy, and then an artist working on a cover for an aromantic book.

I honestly can't see what it's cracked up to be in terms of being alloromantic. I try to be understanding of course, since lots of people I know are definitely alloromantic, and when they get heartbroken I try to console and see it from their point of view (and I often compare their romantic heartbreak to when I have had bad falling outs with friends). But, I just can't see the benefits. I'm happy that I am with friends and family, and having a romantic "special someone" sounds utterly draining and promising to be a bad decision. Of course, I try to be optimistic for my friends and family, and I'm always happy when a relationship works out in the end, but sometimes the thought, "Are they faking it for each other?" enters my head despite knowing that they are not - despite knowing that it's just my aromantic brain thinking that way.

The only times I ever engaged with "celebrity crush" conversations was when I associated the "crush" part with my gender envy and would constantly be thinking of the characters an actor/actress has played and not the actual person. One time in high school my whole entire class entered that type of topic, but they made it clear that you didn't need to have had an actual crush on the actor, so I felt more free in engaging in it; and to which lots of guys in my class started talking about Ryan Reynolds.

I kind of never associated hand-holding as romantic for a long time, so when I saw people doing it at a young age I just thought they were wanting to be physically close in that regard, and I kind of only ever saw my gal-friends do it with each other so there was a ton of platonic feedback around doing the action. Now that I'm older all I ever hear is "how romantic" hand-holding is, and I often don't like doing it. I kind of only ever hold hands with family members or friends, to show them I'm there and I feel like when I hold hands with people I care for platonically and familially it has a more deeper and sacred meaning than any romantic interpretation, but I still often don't do it. Sorry to quote you for a second time, but I absolutely despise this, too. I normally put a lot into my appearance nowadays (or I just fuss over myself too much), and so it has became quite normal to my family and friends for me to look more up kept, or for me to constantly check my hair. But, when I first start doing that around the time my hair was cut super short (boy's cut) my mom kept on asking me why I was fussing over myself, why I was wearing a unique combination of clothes, why was I yada yada yada. I ended up telling her, "It's because I want to signal "to my people,"" and that got her to shut up lmao

A good friend would not be this obsessive over you. I understand jealousy, lots of people do, but then it is the person's responsibility (the person experiencing the jealousy) to communicate that and not let it control their actions; or, at the bare minimum, not allow themselves to start being a dick because of it. If it's safe to do so, since you said you're worried that she'll do something, try to talk to her about it with a list of all of the times she has been doing this to you. If you feel like you cannot conversate with her, then quietly try to change your dorm situation to where she's not your roommate. You deserve to hang out and keep up relations with your other friends without fear. A good friend wouldn't make you scared in having relationships with other people that have been going on for much longer than your relationship with her.

I can see how this can be difficult. I was initially in a QPR with a friend of mine who is alloromantic allosexual, and although we later on had to break up because I found that I'm completely non-partnering, talking to them about their needs and communicating that they can ask me anything, as long as they respected my boundaries as I respected theirs, was very important and was the top priority of our relationship. Talk to your partner, I'm sure she would be understanding of your predicament as you had been understanding of her identities. Respect and understanding should go both ways for partners no matter what the relationship is nor the identities, and in this case it should go both ways for an allo partner and aspec partner.

That sounds awesome as fuck! I'm sorry that your mom reacted like that, but I love your classmate for going out of his way for you to be validated. I love it when people can surprise us like that, whether they look up what you describe online and find the identity, or they already knew it from the get-go.

I often struggle so much to write anything, but when I think about wanting to write I often think about making romantic stories (usually they're queer), or aromantic stories. I've role-played before in D&D sessions and have had characters that were alloromantic (this was before I ever questioned if I was aro), and I also had characters that preferred to be single. Nowadays, despite potentially wanting to write romance still, I don't think I can roleplay an alloromantic character anymore without feeling like I'm forcing my character to do something. If I played another alloromantic character again, they would have a perception of love coded through an aro-lens where it would be very non-normative, and it would feel like I'm performing more than just performing my character, if that makes any sense. And often when I think back on my alloromantic characters, I realize that back then I felt no difference in the platonic relationships I had with other characters and the romantic interests my character had.

You can be aromantic and enjoy romantically coded, or full on just romantic, things! Action =/= attraction.

I get how you feel, and it's alright to end up questioning everything again because of those thoughts. I don't have much advice, other than if identifying as aro/aro-spec makes you feel the most comfortable, then you are aro/aro-spec. For the possibilities you listed, that is for you to do a deeper dive on, for no one else can truly know what you're feeling other than yourself, but the second possibility you mentioned I have actually experienced and potentially other aros have experienced, as well. I know in my hearts of heart that I don't want a romantic relationship and I just can't feel romantic feelings towards other people, with me only experiencing the occasional alterous attraction, but I have had intrusive thoughts about marriage and getting with someone romantically, or Hell, even deliberately thinking to myself, "Maybe I should just get with someone because then everything will be more socially easier for me, if only a little." These thoughts are always unpleasant to me, don't spark any joy, and feel more mechanical than my singlehood, which the latter feels a lot more natural to me and makes me a lot more happy. Sometimes, I'll feel this phantom sadness of not having a partner/partners, but at the end of the day I know it's amatonormativity making me feel that way, for that "sadness" isn't preluded with a genuine desire to be with someone, and is just the coexisting feeling with my fear of the world making everything a lot more harder on me and many others for being single. I'm not afraid of being alone romantically, and I'm not actually sad that I don't have a partner, it's just the foundations of benefits and rights that single people don't get compared to married people, is what scares me - is what drives me to think those unpleasant romantic thoughts. I know with a lot more advocacy and recognition, that single alloros and single aros can get the benefits that they need to be able to actually live in society, and to be able to take care of their loved ones/friends/family/pets/etc, but for right now we have to constantly worry for ourselves in a way that people who do desire romantic relationships and marriage don't have to do.

This would probably be my first ever ASAW where I celebrate? As in, just being more active on the aromantic side of things, and trying to find aro creators to support - especially aros of color with Black History Month going on. I would love to buy more aro pride stuff, but I still have to be discreet about that side of me; though I did get away with buying a "No Romo" patch just recently.

I'm aroallo, and from recently retaking the Myers Briggs/16Personalities test, I got the INFP-T (Advocate) type.

Heya! It's alright to be questioning your identity if you feel like what you're experiencing "contradicts" what it means to be aro(spec), but I promise that despite what you're feeling, you could still be a-spec for it, if you decide that you are! For insight, if you want some, I experienced the same thing as you (with anyone of any gender) and came to the conclusion that it was alterous attraction. I'm not trying to say that that's what you're experiencing, of course. I felt immense physical qualities of what it meant to be crushing on someone; chest getting all heavy and anxious with emotion, butterflies in the stomach, blushing, etc - but I lacked the desire to actively engage with the individual I was meshing on, romantically (a "mesh" meaning an alterous "crush"), and I didn't think about dating the person nor fantasizing marriage, despite wanting a deep emotional closeness that I surmised as the "crush part." I called them crushes back then, but it lacked the romantic feeling behind the word, because I didn't know anything about aromanticism, especially nothing about alterous attraction. I often actually dreaded the mere thought of the person liking me back, and I dreaded the prospect of them wanting to ask me out, or me "needing" to fulfill some societal expectation of what it means to crush on someone by asking them out myself. So, even if the person did like me back, I never acted out on my want to be deeply close with them in a non-romantic sense (in the subconscious fear that the person would view the action as romantic regardless) and was relieved when slowly the person moved on from their feelings they had towards me. What you said did remind me of the identities 'orientated aroace' and 'angled aroace'. I forget their differences, but what they share in common is that they experience a certain non-romantic and non-sexual attraction to a certain gender, or genders, that is significant enough to warrant a place next to their aromanticism and asexuality. Despite orientated and angled being primarily for aroaces only, sometimes you can experience a certain attraction in the aromantic sense, or asexual sense, to where you can be oriented just aromantically, or just asexually, and vice-versa with angled. I'm not saying you're orientated or angled, but they're identities worth looking into. Regardless of what conclusion you come to, you are welcomed here.

Hello my name is Memphis, Arocalyptic Amphibian Deity of the Lagoon.

I agree with you on all of that. In my opinion, if a romantic infatuation becomes so obsessive that it damages one's relationships with others and damages one's relationship with their self, then it's not worth pursuing, but that's easier said than done for some allos. Like, I also have zero romantic experiences, but even then I'll notice these patterns and come up with solutions for the allos I know in my life, and these would be solutions that you'd think someone who has been through those types of romantic feelings or relationships would come up with from the get-go themselves; a lot of allos do, and some of them gain the knowledge of their own patterns and tendencies through time and more experience, but there would be allos who are just clueless about themselves sometimes.

I recently got a white ring as well! I think it's one size too small, but it can easily slide off!

Woah! That sounds intense and mind-boggling! It kind of reminds me of my own co-workers who would talk about their romantic infatuations - not much like how that guy experienced his, but they would talk rather spontaneously about their love for someone, or the love for their current partner, and it always didn't click with me or left me bewildered.

Has someone said Bilbo Baggins yet? I can't even remember if I said something about him yet. I kind of see him as both aromantic and gay. Sometimes my headcanon will split and I would argue, "He's aromantic!" or other times I'll say, "Oh my Gods he's so gay," but most of the time I end up saying he's both. I absolutely love the friendships he forms with the dwarves, and how he's unmarried and practically raised Frodo by himself. But, sometimes I do like the ship between him and Thorin Oakenshield, even the romantic ones, so a little headcanoning of them being in a QPR does wonders for my soul.

Like what Alto said, don't speak for everyone. There are many people who are obese or fat that are literally married. And I don't see how you can even try to speak for everyone when other people try to speak for us. There are some people try to give us "respect" and "dignity," but secretly don't view us as valid. There are people who don't see the validity in our friendships or relationships because of what we are. There are people who don't see the validity of our very own existences. There are people who say that it's "reality" that everyone falls in love or experiences sexual attraction, or wants some kind of relationship, even friendships. So, you can't try to speak for other groups of people.

I did assume that she may have been conflating dating with romantic attraction (much like how some cis people conflate sex with gender because those two things are connected for them) and I think I can see how someone trying to see if a person makes a good partner could make their own romantic attraction stronger, and so maybe that's why she said that? But yeah, that was a very aro thing for my mom to say lmao.

I hate the immaturity argument, because what parent would want to bum-rush their own child, or children, to completely trust someone of their own age range to not hurt them, or Hell, take advantage of them even, because middle school relationships and high school relationships are kind of traumatic to be honest? It's immature of the parents to do that to their own kid(s), because if you're going to treat your own family like that then why not take sole responsibility of teaching your kid(s) to look for specific warning signs in relationships? Or Hell, take responsibility for your own kid's heart being broken, or their boundaries being breached, because you pushed them to find a partner?

As someone who may call themselves a loveless aro even when I don't always consciously identify as such, I always hated the argument that aros can "love in other ways." It's not that I'm trying to say that there aren't aros who do love in other ways, but it felt like the aro community was still trying to use love to humanize ourselves. It feels unnecessary to broaden the word "love" in the attempt to still be considered human when aphobes will not like us anyway nor consider that we exist in the first place. I didn't like it when some alloroaces used love to humanize themselves, but when I see fellow aro-specs get caught up in that as well, I oftentimes just want to be an ass and say that I don't love in other ways, and never will, even though I do; I know it'll look like I'm contradicting myself in saying that, but there are aros who don't love in other ways at all, and there are aros who do, but we shouldn't utilize that as some weapon to where we're just segregating ourselves from each other.