likeheaven

Sorry if this is in the wrong section, it's my first time using this site, I can delete and move this somewhere else if needed. Also please bear with me and point it out if I say something out of pocket, I'm clueless as to what might be rude or offensive since I'm not very involved in a-spec conversation on or offline. What's bothering me lately is reflecting on my relationship with my ex. We dated for a year and some change, and we broke up almost a year ago. I was definitely sexually attracted to him. I loved his companionship and I loved him as a person like I would a friend, and I assumed that all added up to be romance. But throughout the relationship, I'd sometimes be struck with this feeling that he was not a romantic partner, just a really close friend I happened to be sexually attracted to, and that felt like small moments of sobering clarity. I am realizing now that I don't know whether I have ever really experienced romantic attraction. Like most other people in my life, I want to find a life partner and get married and maybe have kids, but I feel kind of ambivalent about the idea of the nonsexual romantic aspects of dating at the same time?? Like going on dates and moving in together. But I've read online that aromantic people often say they don't feel the desire to kiss, hold hands, cuddle, or things like that, and I do. And I still feel physically attracted to people. I'm just questioning now if this all really means I'm still alloromantic and just had a bad relationship, and I haven't found the right person yet. I don't know if my desire to start a relationship with a person I'm attracted to is purely sexually or emotionally motivated, or actually romantic. I have no idea how to tell it all apart. I've identified as queer for a long time both in terms of gender and sexuality. My identity has gone through some changes over the years, but I never really thought of myself as being on the ace or aro spectrum, so I have no idea what any of this means, nor the language to really describe it. I know I'm still young, I'm 22, but this is making me feel 13 again, lol. Normally if I'm conflicted or confused about my queerness, I just let it pass, but this time it's really bothering me. I'm finding myself thinking aphobic / arophobic things about myself that I would never think of or say to other people, and I think that means I need to hear from other perspectives. Sorry this was so long, I hope this made any sense at all. I would also love to hear from any alloaro people how they figured out their identity.