Erederyn

An allo friend was trying to explain to me what romantic attraction is and she was mostly just listing a bunch of things she considers romantic, which I found very entertaining because many of those things I consider potentially platonic (or at least not exclusively romantic). I personally enjoy many activities that are typically deemed "romantically-coded" even though I'm romance-indifferent/repulsed, but I also don't necessarily consider them "romantically-coded" in the first place. I think what is considered romantically-coded or not can also just be personal and vary per individual, and for me, it's also about the intention behind it. Of course, at the society level, there are things that people typically consider romantic. So I was curious about other aros. Do you enjoy any typically romantically-coded activities? Do you even consider them romantically-coded yourself? Do you find that your view on romance (romance-favorable, indifferent, repulsed) plays a factor into whether you enjoy romantically-coded activities or not? Some things my friend considered romantic were holdings hands, dancing together (as in closer, slow dancing), extended periods of physical contact (sitting in each other's laps or cuddling in bed), tight full-bodied embraces, celebrating anniversaries, going on dates... This link also lists some typically romantically-coded activities/behaviors: https://arospecawarenessweek.tumblr.com/post/112348254497/a-previous-anon-thanks-for-the-comic-but-ok Some things that are typically considered romance-coded (or so I've been told) that I enjoy: I personally can be quite physically affectionate (so I like hugging/full embraces, dancing, cuddling, holdings hands), I like to "display" my care and love for people (telling them regularly that I love them, having a trinket/object that symbolizes our friendship), and I find it important to have one-on-one/alone time with a close friend (including going on a holiday together or weekend away). I'd also plan my schedule and life around/with a close friend if we're committed to each other to that degree.

Sounds good, thank you for organizing this! Looking forward to it

Hello! Glad you've been able to figure out your identity, there's a certain power to putting a name to things. I definitely agree with the others that you are under no obligation to come out to your ex (or to anyone, for that matter). As for the picture, apparently there's just some issues with uploading JPEG. I struggled with it for a while and found that converting my pic to GIF worked. Would be lovely!

That's a good point. Although as you imply with your quotation marks, it's still more a soft capitalism. So yeah, having a better welfare state doesn't necessarily lead to less individualism/neoliberalism. But without a good welfare state, people simply would be even more concerned with just fending for themselves and perpetuate neoliberalistic individualism. Perhaps a good welfare state should then be seen as an enabler to combating neoliberalistic individualism rather than the solution to it? But I think there would have to be a shift in culture around interpersonal relationships as well, then. No big deal! ? But indeed, with the high mobility, it's hard to have a community and invest in social ties. I've spent my whole life moving around a lot, so know this reality very well. But it's not totally impossible to have community in a highly mobile society. For sure!

I would say so. You could also say that the nuclear family is a tool for neoliberal individualism (and capitalism) to "privatize" social welfare and security as it ensures that the nuclear family unit is the main source of that economic security and welfare rather than the state or community.

I first started actively questioning and searching whether I was aromantic around 18-19 years old ("why don't I get crushes, why do I dislike the idea of romantic relationships so much?"). Before that I felt something was different, but I also thought I was just "too mature" to worry about silly crushes haha. I didn't fully come to terms with it/actually identify as aro until 24ish, though, and even up until last year at 27, was I still fully working out what my aromanticism is. There wasn't very much aro awareness when I first started thinking about whether I was aro or not, which I think delayed things for me a bit, so it's really nice to see younger people being able to have more access to aromanticism as they start to question (even if there is still further to go in terms of visibility/awareness) ?

I share many similar feelings. I used to think feed into this narrative, that being single and independent made me almost better than dependent/coupled people. As I've gotten older, I see that this is not true and how much of that mindset was neoliberalistic and like you said, toxic individualism. My mindset has shifted a lot towards collective/community care. I agree that it is false to think that we can ever be completely and truly independent. I see more and more how important it is to be interdependent, to be connected with others and care about people even if we don't have a direct relationship to them. In general, I feel more and more like "singleness" is not something that properly applies to me. I may not be in a partnership, but I do not think of myself as "single." If anything, I find now the narrative of being single to be isolating. Rather than it being empowering, I see more how it can make people turn a blind eye to the (institutional) barriers of "being single." I think the narrative of being single puts too much emphasis on only caring for yourself. Self-care is important and having some individualism/independence can be nice, but I think it's important to have shared care (#squadcare as I've seen it in some places on the internet). I think there should be more of a balance, not only in our personal relationship but on a larger systemic/institutional level. I also think that people should be able to celebrate their singleness and independence. I personally like having my own individuality even though I want to be part of a community. I understand that not everyone wants to be part of a community. But I do think that there should be a change in how we see independence vs dependence. I think amatonormativity also plays into the current narrative of being single. Being single is often viewed as a sad, pitiful thing, so to counter that, perhaps people feel even more than they need to justify their singleness, cast it in a better light. I personally used to do that myself, it was my way of rejecting amatonormativity, but this narrative also hurt me. So I think that's something to be addressed as well to make it a healthier narrative.

Bem vindo! It can be quite a journey discovering one's identity, I'm glad you have managed to find clarity! I hope you can find some connections and feel at home here with other aros ?

Eeyy, nice to see some other latine peeps around!! ? @babo_ My mom is Brazilian ?

I'd be available on Fridays, Saturdays, or Sundays. In December, I'll be in the US with my family, so I'll actually be on Eastern Standard Time as well and I'd be fine with anything after 10:00 (so 15:00 UK time). Maybe using some sort of calendar planning could be helpful, such as https://whenufree.io/. Is it an idea to share this with the Arocalypse discord once a date/time has been chosen? I have a suggestion for a first meeting (or as an intro part during the first meeting). Have any of you listened to the AOK podcast? I was thinking we could do something similar to how the host interviewed people, it could be a nice way for people to introduce themselves. First she'd ask people what they identify as exactly and what aromanticism means to them (what is their version of being aro). Then she'd ask them to discuss a favorite hobby or important activity in their lives. She would then always end with asking people who is someone important in their life. I'm not sure if this could potentially be too personal for people on a first meeting, though.

Ooh, sounds like a nice idea! I'm in the Netherlands (so Central European Time). I do have quite some other things going on, so I'm not sure how often I can join long-term, but at least while covid is around, my weekends are pretty flexible. I love the idea of discussing pre-agreed topics/books/life/etc with other aros in a chill manner. People can even take turns with choosing a discussion topic so the organizing burden doesn't fall on one person (or just let it free flow if we end up feeling that more as time goes on).

Best of luck, I hope all goes well!! ?

I definitely agree with what user DogObsessedLianne said. Keeping those feelings to yourself could end up being negative for you and could lead to some regrets. There isn't really one right way to do this. But perhaps before confessing your feelings and telling them you want to be in a QPR with them, you could start off first by testing the waters a bit (if you haven't done this already). Your friend knows about QPRs and you know they would want a romantic partnership, but maybe you can ask them what they'd think of a being QPR in general (maybe it's something they never thought of for themselves). You could even start off with a conversation about your current relationship, discussing your commitment to the friendship and if they feel the same, asking them what they hope for in the future for your friendship, etc. Then at least you could have some idea about whether or not you're on similar pages and how to proceed. I also had a QPR with someone not on the aro spectrum, so it is indeed possible (although it ended also because of non-aro based reasons). He wanted the possibility of having a romantic/sexual partner as well, so we had a polyaffectionate relationship, which worked well for us. Of course, it was challenging at times when he started dating and his dates didn't understand that I was his partner as well, but he was very committed to our QPP and he did once in a while meet people who were okay with our arrangement. That is something you'd have to potentially discuss with your friend, though. So if that's something you'd be open to, you could propose a sort of polyaffectionate QPP, so that your friend could still have a romantic partner. That is, of course, further down the line, I realize, if you even decide to confess and it goes well.

I'm sorry you're in this situation. Honestly, I'm also really scared to come out to my parents even though I've been out of the house for years now, being my own boss, making my own life. I'm thinking I'll just wait until I'm 30/35 and then they can't really give me a "you're still young" or "it's just a phase" talk ? But seriously, no, I really feel for you. I also don't have any good suggestions because I haven't come out to my parents, except that I've been doing what nonmerci suggested above. For years already I've been saying over and over again that I don't want to get married, I don't want romantic relationships, I don't want kids, and that I want to plan my life with friends. In the beginning, they didn't understand and gave the typical responses and even asked me if I was traumatized/something happened to me to make me that way. But in the last two years, they've become more accepting of it (or less in denial?) and even if they don't understand it, they're respecting my life choices. I am terrified, though, that if I come out to them by putting a label on it that is anything but straight, they'll absolutely not accept it.? You mention that you know you can't hide it from them forever, but it's also your choice to come out. You don't have to come out if you don't want to. I feel like there is often this pressure to come out and I understand that you may feel the desire to do so, especially since you're family-oriented, but you can also still live your truth and your life without coming out. It is very much your choice and not something you must do ?

Hello! I also love coffee and cats ? Funny how we come to realize things about ourselves sometimes, do you think that perhaps you decided to put an aro character in your fanfiction because you already felt drawn to it before you even realized it?

Stay at home for a week and constantly work, at least I'll have all my comforts at my disposal. I'm such a homebody ? Would you rather have the ability to remember everything or never get tired?

As a teen, I had a list of "desirable" traits and based my "crushes" on whoever met this list (or I would use it as an excuse to not have a crush, "oh well, nobody meets my standards"). Also I didn't have a problem with the fact that my parents didn't allow me to date until a certain age (and honestly as an adult, I find it a shame that I can't use this excuse anymore hahah).

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I feel this loneliness too. I accept and embrace my aro-ness, and it's not something I would change about myself, but it is hard. I want similar things that you mentioned and it can be so frustrating because it feels so much more difficult to have this as an aro person. Whenever I feel like this, I try to tell myself that it's not myself I wish were different but more that I wish society were different so that we could more easily have the relationships we want. Maybe that's a way to look at it? I do still hope and try, though, to form meaningful relationships regardless. But yeah, it sucks sometimes.... Anyway, I don't really have anything very constructive or uplifting to say, but I just wanted to let you know that I very much empathize.

I am also someone who really desires a found family and perhaps a life partner (although this is not 100% necessary). It can definitely feel daunting and very lonely at times being aro and wanting this sort of life partnership/relationship. There aren't really any roadmaps, so we have to essentially create our own relationships and navigate this in a world that is not used to platonic relationships of this sort. But I have noticed more and more (allo) people realizing the importance of platonic relationships and being more open to this, so it's not totally hopeless. I did have a queerplatonic partner with an alloromantic allosexual person. So it is possible and for the most part it was rather successful! Unfortunately, because of long-distance (permanently moved to another country) and some mental health issues, we ended the partnership (although we are still very good friends), but otherwise, we'd probably still be together. As to how to seek a partnership, I think the first step is looking at yourself. Before seeking out a partnership, you need to truly define what is a partnership for yourself. This might seem obvious, but sometimes partnerships don't work out because this wasn't really clear to begin with. I think relationship anarchy comes in very handy here (what are the elements that you want in a partnership). And another important thing is to consider what is non-negotiable for you and what things you are more flexible on. As someone seeking a non-traditional relationship, flexibility can be important (although don't sell yourself short and don't ever make yourself do something you're not comfortable with). I started off really wanting a life platonic partnership, but I have become okay with the fact that that might not be possible/really hard to find and would be happy with having a found family with friends without partnership. I can't give any advice as to how to seek a partner via apps or online because I've never used those and honestly, I'm not sure what all there is out there. But I can share how I go about this. What I have learned is to be very open and forthcoming with friends (friends you trust and are close with and with whom you could see yourself sharing a life with). I have had many conversations with friends about commitment, what I need in my friendships, what I want for the future, and checked in with them on how they feel about all that. This is how I started my first QPP. It's not always succesful, of course. And really, even if these conversations don't result in a partnership, you might find that your friendships become closer and can better provide you with the support that you need. That's what happened for me, and actually, I have felt less of a need for a partnership. Perhaps this approach is not really suitable for you, but could be something to try! But no, I don't think you will be alone forever. It is hard, I won't sugar coat that. It takes a lot of work and might take a lot of trial and error and there might be quite some disappointment. Also, you might not find the exact type of relationship that you're looking for. But don't be discouraged, it's not all hopeless. There is a chance of you finding a partnership that you want ? (sorry this ended up long haha)

Sojourn, mellifluous, susurrus, eldritch

I also had this dilemma. I enjoy solitude (need it even), but having a found family is also important to me. After living alone for a couple of years, though, I have been wanting more to share a home with someone (although living alone definitely has its perks!). For me, though, it doesn't necessarily mean that I need a partner. Living with friends who are deeply committed to making a life together is also something I'd enjoy. My dream home would actually be a two-in-one home (like a studio built into a house), so that I could have my own little space, but also be close and connected to loved ones! Also, you can have both a long-term partner and live alone You don't necessarily have to live with a partner!

@arokaladin Eeyy, I'm currently reading Words of Radiance! Nice to meet you too ?

@CharCharChar It was coined by autcore! https://autcore.tumblr.com/post/189594016434/aroqueer-an-identity-for-anyone-on-the-aro

Thank you for the welcome!