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Everything posted by Erederyn

  1. Yeah, mental health care isn't immune to the influence of larger society structures, so I'd definitely say that amatonormativity is incorporated into it. Diagnostics and what is considered "normal" behavior is also largely socially constructed. So with normative idea is that engaging in romance is normal and the idea that being able to love is a sign of humanity and "normal" emotional functioning, then you get this kind of perception in mental health care. There is a whole personality disorder with criteria of having little interest in close relationships and sex.
  2. Yup, this is definitely a common perception unfortunately. In general society and in many different settings. I work in mental healthcare and marriage/partnerships are often considered signs of proper functioning. And if you're an adult who has a never had a romantic relationship, then yeah, this might indeed be seen as a sign of arrested development or immaturity. Luckily people in my inner circle don't view it that way, but I do have family members who don't take me as seriously because I'm still unmarried and without children. It can be frustrating for sure, but I also don't need to prove myself to them. I do sometimes feel it myself that I'm not a "real" adult when I really think about how my friends are getting married, starting to think about children, and looking into buying homes. It's annoying, but then I remind myself that these are arbitrary markers of adulthood and maturity. There are many other ways to be mature. At the end of the day, you can decide your life, and I think that's a pretty grown-up thing to do. It's great that you can live with your mom and are happy with it :) It's sad that living with parents after a certain age is viewed as immature (in certain cultures). If you have a good relationship with them, then why not?
  3. I'm sorry you experienced this, not a nice situation. Like the others, I agree that you didn't do anything wrong. It seems like you handled the situation decently. Her reaction is a reflection of her own issues rather than of you. It's just this unfortunate idea that people who don't reciprocate feelings are "heartless" or "being a jerk" or whatnot; the amatonormativity that makes people feel entitled to their romantic feelings for others. Sending you warm vibes, I hope you feel a bit better!
  4. Welkom! Like @Leia Williams mentioned, the discord server tends to be more active. But if you prefer something a little more quiet, the forums is a great place :) I'm not Dutch, but have been living in the Netherlands for a couple of years. I often get the feeling there aren't many aros in the Netherlands (or at least it's not as visible here), but there's a thread here of some Dutch aros:
  5. When I was a teen, I would "choose" my crushes. I essentially had a list of favorable traits, things I'd potentially like in a romantic partner (which were really just traits that I admired in people in general), and whoever (read: cis hetero boy of course because heteronormativity) met a lot of those traits would be my "crush." Sometimes this was motivated by actual feelings! It was just that they were not romantic feeling. For example, one of the traits on my list was being musically-inclined. And so I had a "crush" on this guy in my orchestra who played the cello. I later realized that I did have some kind of feeling for him, except it wasn't romantic. He was quite talented and I just really admired his musical ability hahah. But what helped me realize that I was essentially chosing my crushes was that I didn't care to get into a romantic relationship with them and that besides liking those particular traits, I didn't actually like the whole person- I didn't care to get to know them more as a person. That cello guy? He ended up leaving orchestra later on, and I became disinterested in him even though we had other classes together. It was just this idea that I was "crushing" on.
  6. It was a non-important NPC in that situation, and I ended up deviating the roleplaying away from it. It just caught me off guard. I've played before with people who knew I'm aro so that was not an issue, but this is a new player in my group who doesn't know and it was just a wake-up call of "oh yeah people do this." But yeah, that is a good point that I can easily remove NPCs from such instances. Hopefully it's not something that'll happen more often and if so, it'll be something to discuss.
  7. I agree with the advice of getting to know your friend's partner. It makes it easier for you to hang out together with them (while feeling less like a third wheel) and your friend will appreciate it you taking interesting in someone they find important. Besides having to be patient (especially if they're still in that new relationship phase), I've asked friends if we could have a designated day for us to hang out (on a weekly or monthly or whatever frequency basis) as a time for just us to bond. I've also been honest about feeling like I've been cast aside, and I've had a couple of friends apologize and be more deliberate about staying in touch. Of course there will be some people who don't get it and think you're making a big deal or think that this is simply the natural order of things :/ Hopefully that won't be the case. So a bit generic advice haha, but yeah generally, I think being honest about how you feel (while also ensuring them that you're happy about their relationship- you don't want to come off bitter or resentful) and try to be more deliberate about how you plan your time together (even if it sometimes feels inorganic).
  8. Hi there! Hopefully you can gain some clarity from being on the forum, a lot can be learned here :) I hope you feel welcome here and can make some connections!
  9. Hello and welcome! I hope you find what you need here and feel welcome. Folks here are definitely happy to answer questions :)
  10. Erederyn


    AUREA recently had an article with responses from loveless aros: https://www.aromanticism.org/en/news-feed/the-aros-left-behind-the-loveless I don't know of any spaces specifically for loveless aros :/ but perhaps some others do!
  11. Bem vindo! I certainly recognize those feelings. I'm glad you've found this space, though- it helps to be amongst people who are like you I'm also a Brazilian citizen who hasn't lived in Brazil since a child haha. But I do know there are Brazilians here on the forum! Also, have you checked out aroaceiros?
  12. Agreed, it gets really tiring. I listen to a lot of instrumental music when I get particularly romance-tired. I thought this too, and I really like this song :/ But I'll just keep interpreting in a platonic manner. There are too few songs about friendship as it is.
  13. Oof, one of my players wanted to romance the NPC and I felt so awkward as the DM 😬 Even though it wasn't directed at me as a person, I was not prepared for it hahah. And then the same player was trying to get another player, who is aroace and uncomfy with those sorts of situations, to flirt with an NPC lolol. I just forgot that players/characters might try to romance NPCs or each other, and I did not foresee this as a potential issue ahhh.
  14. Hello and welcome! Exciting that you're nearing your 5th anniversary, gefeliciteerd I hope you enjoy your time here 😊
  15. Hi there and welcome! It can definitely be a journey figuring all of this out. I identified as pan first too and then ace and then I realized that what I thought was due to asexuality was actually mostly aromanticism, and now I identify as greypan 😅 Gender is also a tricky one! Take your time figuring it all out and like Blake mentioned, feel free to ask questions here. Folks are often more than happy to answer them 😊
  16. I'm mostly romance-indifferent and romance-repulsed at times. I'm very romance-tired with media, so I mostly just try to avoid media with a lot of romance. Media with some romance that is done in a way that is subtle and isn't the main focus is okay. So things like rom-coms are definitely not my thing haha. I don't mind romantic PDA as long as it's not over the top (like if a couple started to make out in front of me hahaha). Otherwise if it's holding hands or being cuddly or a quick kiss, it's no problem to me. I mostly find it rude when people become so absorbed in the display of affection that it makes me wonder why I'm even there. I get romance-repulsed when romance is forced upon me or when people are being super amatonormative (especially when assuming that everyone wants romance). Then it's more anger/irritation which makes me repulsed and romance-negative. Also just general discomfort when people ask me about dating.
  17. Hi there and welcome! I'm glad you've manage to figure this out for yourself and are content with it :) Happy pride to you as well!
  18. Hello! I think you sum up well quite a few intricacies of experiences related to wanting relationship styles/lifestyle that falls out of the typical romantic norm 😁 The aro experience can also be pretty diverse, it is a spectrum after all. But at the end of the day, a label/identity should reflect what is useful to you! Either way, I hope you enjoy your time on the forum! Hahaha, this is on point.
  19. Yeah, they're the neopronouns meant to be gender-neutral (https://intercultural.uncg.edu/wp-content/uploads/Neopronouns-Explained-UNCG-Intercultural-Engagement.pdf). The "z" thing has also been expressed by others, especially those who aren't English native speakers. I also use neopronouns myself (ey/em alongside she/her), so it was nice to see them used in the story!
  20. Oh cool! Love me some scifi. Also interesting perspective of there not being heroes or villains, just people surviving in a system that doesn't give much other option. Good luck with writing!
  21. Hello! I hope you manage to feel welcome here and learn more about your aromanticism. I think many others would agree that accepting being aro was harder than accepting being ace, you're not alone in that! Very cool that you're writing a book! What's your book about, if you don't mind sharing? :)
  22. A French version is now available thanks to @vinniebandit and @Nessa! https://gracesofluck.wordpress.com/2021/05/20/challenging-amatonormativity-a-beginners-guide-translations/
  23. Hey there, I'm sorry that you're going through this, it's not a nice situation. Struggles with friendship can be really heartbreaking and knowing that you might be left behind for a romantic partner can be deeply disappointing. It might be difficult, but I do think it's important that you talk to your friend about this. She might have no clue how you're feeling and keeping it to yourself could potentially sour the relationship and lead to resentment. Also like Nessa mentioned, you might want to know why her dating behavior changed all of a sudden. EIther way, I think it is important to talk. Best of luck, sending you warm vibes~
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