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Umm, I dont know if Guest Eggerson still needs our help since they posted in September, but I wanted to throw in my head in as well. If you are still checking in here, I find the Split Attraction Model a really useful way of thinking. For most people their romantic and sexual attraction is the same and hard to keep apart. And aroace people have that in common with allo people. I am aroace and I dont think its invalidating when sex is mentioned positively. But that is because I am sex-favorable and I defend the idea that my sexual attraction does not define how I feel about sex. If you are ace you are not sexually attracted to any gender and if you are aromantic you are not romantically attracted to any gender, right? And whether I am sex averse, indifferent or favorable is a whole other thing. I am saying all this because because for me being ace doesnt mean I dont want to have sex or not read about it. I know I am hardly speaking for the majority of ace people. But you know, its a spectrum. We are a diverse community. And I am sorry allo aro people feel like they are thrown under the ace umbrella. I know its a problem.

Thanks for the welcome and sharing! Good to know you have felt the same impulse But like you, I also have more important people to come out to...namely my parents. I am kinda avoiding thinking about that right now but with Christmas coming closer I will soon have to decide whether I want to use that chance to tell them in person. And you are right about not having to love what we love in fiction irl. Thanks for putting stuff into perspective I also read across all genres and enjoy so much fiction that is not romance. I love learning about the world through books and the way it broadens my horizon. I just really crave that escapism that I get from consuming (romantic) fiction. Maybe I like romance so much because it involves me a lot emotionally? I really want to be emotionally involved so that I can be completely sucked into that other world. I mean if I want strong emotions I could probably go for tragedy too but I think I am too emotionally vulnerable for that at the moment. Hmm, maybe I choose romance because I know its "safe" for me emotionally? It sucks me in just deep enough but its nothing that really concerns me irl.

You wont believe it, but I am also 26 and discovered I am aro a few weeks ago. First I realized I was ace and shortly after came aro. I am so happy to see younger people are figuring out their identity earlier!

Thats really cool! I am always excited about writers including more representations! I cant say I read very diverse stuff when I was younger, but recently I almost exclusively seek out fiction with minority rep (queer, poc, disability...). I am sorry to hear about your bad experiences with past relationships. Good for you for leaving them behind! I fully support not reaching out to people when you know it will be hurtful for yourself. I mean, that is why I cut out my ex from my life as well. I guess I'll just keep it that way. Thanks for sharing!

I have thought about that answer myself. But I am still hoping there is more to it. As a teenager I think that was definitely true for me. I desperately yearned for romance in my own life because I thought I wasnt "normal" lacking it. So I am sure I compensated by reading about it. And maybe its just something that got ingrained when I was an impressionable teenager?

I'm offended noone invited me to the funeral when this thread died.

Hey, I am new here and just saw this thread. I would love to join and talk to other aros

Thank you! I agree, figuring out my identity really has given me confidence. Thanks for the tip with the pictures. I love your profile pic btw!

Hey thanks! I really appreciate your reassuring words! I didnt keep in touch with my ex after we broke up, which was also several years ago. And contacting him is the last thing I want to do. I am just struggling with whether thats the right thing. It feels unfair that I got so many answers about the problems in our relationship that he will never get unless I reach out. Its nice to hear that you also dont think I have an obligation. I will just have to let it go. I can only dream that our community will grow and someday you can come out to people without having to give a TED talk.

Thanks for the welcome! I should have been more clear with my question? I have a problem actually uploading a picture. I get this message: "imagecreatefromstring(): No JPEG support in this PHP build". But I will figure it out...and its not that important (It might be a Linux problem) No, I am not comfortable telling my ex, so I guess thats my answer. I just feel a little guilty. Although at the time I had no clue what was going with me. I had never even heard of asexuality let alone aromanticism.

I totally understand the immature thing that is connected to being single. When I was in school and we covered developmental psychology I learned that becoming an adult means to emancipate from your family and learning how to form functioning romantic relationships. That that is just how human life goes. And this narrative influenced me immensely (and probably did huge damage). I recently listened to a podcast where they talked about romantic relationships and platonic relationships and how they are valued so differently from society. They explained it with an example that I found pretty precise. One of the hosts recounted how she was in accident and her boyfriend told his workplace that he couldnt come in because his gf was in an accident. They pointed out how easily people accept you having to be there for your partner although you might have only dated for a short time. If your friend of several years was in a accident and you wanted to take time of work a lot less people would probably understand. So my thinking is the narrative of romantic and platonic relationship really needs to change. Which ties in to the problem of amatonormativity like you all have already said.

Hello! I just want to let you know a little bit about me since I am new here. A few weeks ago I figured out I was asexual and a little later I realized aromantic describes me as well. I read through one of those lists of things that can apply to aromantic people and a lot of those things applied to me and especially to my past relationship. I have only been in one “serious” romantic relationship and looking back at it, a lot more things make sense if you put on an aro lens. Like a lot of aro ace people I get the feeling that the aro part might be more relevant for me in the future. Although its sometimes also hard to keep them apart. Discovering my identity as aro ace explains so much about my life. I am sure you have all felt the same. I cant wait to meet you all and talk to like minded spirits:) Its so hard for me to explain this concept to my friends. Like its not a real thing or something. I am really looking forward to meeting people who I dont have to explain myself to I have been on the AVEN forum until now, but I want to join the fellow escapees here I have also noticed I am not the only lover of romantic fiction on this forum I must say I still find that confusing. For the biggest part of my life I thought me reading/watching romance meant I was secretly craving it myself. But now I am very certain about my aro identity, but I dont have an explanation for my love of romantic fiction anymore... Wow, that is not the question I wanted my Welcome post to be about A lot of people seem to start here still questioning, but I am pretty certain of my identity. Might be age related. I am 26 btw. I came up with another question I have wondered whether I should contact my ex and share my new found identity with him. I feel kinda bad about some stuff and a lot of our problems make so much more sense now. Which brings me considerable peace of mind (that he might also deserve?). Have you ever contacted exes after identifying as aro? My problem is that you cant just tell people you are aro ace and they will immediately understand. I would have to explain everything and what exactly it meant for our relationship and I dont see myself making that sort of effort for anyone but my friends and family at the moment. I hope this doesnt sound selfish. Maybe its because I am new to this but I find it really hard to make allo people understand. I still have to wrap my head around the fact that most people dont think like me at all. I always thought I was just a slightly cynical person with the “normal” degree of annoyance at all things cheesy. Well, I am glad to be freed of my ignorance about this wonderful world of people out there that think just like me Or you know, similarly. PS: Any tips on uploading a profile pic here? Or am I the only one failing at it miserably?