Do you feel more Aro or Ace?

[Dominus Temporis]

Here is a question for all my fellow aroaces out there: do you feel more aro or ace? Which part of your orientation takes up the most space? Which do you think the most about? Which do you struggle with the most? Which do you feel the most discrimination because of? 

I've personally spent a lot more time thinking about my asexuality, but I think that's mainly due to the fact that aromanticism is even more invisible than asexuality. And to be honest, I often have a really hard time relating to alloromantic aces; finding a partner seems to be a big part of their lives. 

[Deltalorian]

I feel more aro, but that's just because I have a high libido. I feel like being aro also has the slightly larger impact on my life, again as a result of my high libido making sex a thing I'd want sometimes.

[Dominus Temporis]

Yeah, I can understand that. I don't really know what's considered a "high libido", but I think mine is in the lower-ish range. I am sex repulsed as well, so sex isn't something I'd ever actually consider. 

[AroAcedragon13]

I feel more aro. It just makes sense to me.My asexuality is still something i question because i'm kinda young so i'm just taking it day by day and if today i'm ace then today i'm ace and if for some odd reason i'm not tomorrow then i'll figure it out.I hate the idea of kissing so anything else is even worse.i haven't really felt discrimination yet but being in school where dating is "important" or whatever is horrible.

[glypharia.exe]

I feel more ace. I'm more secure in my asexuality, but I'm also secure in my aromanticism. I'm indifferent about romantic acts, while I'm sex-repulsed. I'd never consider doing it or anything of that sort. I'm generally fine with "romance-coded" acts of affection like hand holding and hugs, which does confuse people when I tell them that I'm aroace, or that I'm not in a relationship with the person I'm being affectionate with. Personally, I don't see most "romantic" acts as romantic, I'm fine with them generally. Such as holding someone's hand, as I don't see how something as simple as that is reserved for romance.

I love physical affection like hugs and other stuff like that, but overtly romantic acts like kissing makes me very uncomfortable. I don't want to be in a romantic or sexual relationship with anyone, but if I had to choose, I think I'm more asexual than aromantic.

[Collie]

Aro for sure. I'm less certain of my asexual identity, though I'm still pretty content with it. I like the ace flag cuz it has my favorite color (purple), but I am reminded so much more of how aromantic I am being around alloromantics all the time..... being asked if I have a significant other or if I want one, people talking about the kind of person they're attracted to, etc. I mean, sex comes up sometimes, but mostly people seem to talk about the romantic side of things.

[Nix]

Aro for me too. I’m very ace as well, but being aro has a much more visible effect on my life.

On 8/3/2022 at 10:59 PM, Dominus Temporis said:

And to be honest, I often have a really hard time relating to alloromantic aces; finding a partner seems to be a big part of their lives. 

Also why I am active on this site and not on AVEN.

[A User]

i feel more ace for sure, because romance is something so similar to friendship in my eyes that it gives me doubt as to whether i truly experience romance or not

sexuality im more sure about because never in my whole life have i felt an urge to f*ck ppl, romance is an iffy thing bc highschool makes everyone romance obsessed and the urge to fit in has never been higher, so there's a lot of self-doubt that goes there

3 hours ago, Nix said:

Also why I am active on this site and not on AVEN.

tbh i feel AVEN is more active as a community than here, im mostly only here on my pc where AVEN has been blocked on a level i can't figure out how to unblock

there's aroace spaces on AVEN if you know where to look

[nonmerci]

Aro for me too.

I feel a bit more connected with my ace identity now that I visited some ace forums, but exclusively as an aroace sense. I mean, if I had to describe my identity, I can say I'm aro, I can say I'm aroace, but I don't think I would use the word "ace" alone except when answering something that is solely about sex or asexuals. I don't know if you see what I mean ?

Also I feel that being aro influence my life more, when it comes to relationships, how it is view and what struggles it creates, etc.

[Jedi]

To me, these are just two sides of the same coin. I am ace the same way I am aro, so to me, feels like both these identities come from the same internal source. In that way I don't feel like I am more of one than the other.

Still, when I found that there was something called 'aromantic' as separate from 'asexual' (generally when people talk about sexuality, the romantic identity is included) I was confused about romantic identity for a bit x) Asexuality was easier to figure out, not wanting to have sex is a pretty straight forward concept. Romantic attraction is harder to define for someone who hasn't felt it. But it is also so that my experience is pretty far removed from an alloromantic ace, so in that way, the aromanticism plays a larger role. But again, internally they are kind of one pool for me.

[Pyr]

I identify more strongly with aromanticism than asexuality. I feel like it effects my life more than asexuality. Similar to what nonmerci said, I'd describe myself as "aro" or "aroace", but probably not just "ace". I think that's partially because if I were to tell someone I was just ace, they'd probably assume I was allo. Plus I'm still (sorta??) questioning my sexual orientation.

Saw this same question on Aven based on this one, and most people there felt more ace than aro, which makes sense

[Dominus Temporis]

10 minutes ago, Pyr said:

I identify more strongly with aromanticism than asexuality. I feel like it effects my life more than asexuality. Similar to what nonmerci said, I'd describe myself as "aro" or "aroace", but probably not just "ace". I think that's partially because if I were to tell someone I was just ace, they'd probably assume I was allo. Plus I'm still (sorta??) questioning my sexual orientation.

Saw this same question on Aven based on this one, and most people there felt more ace than aro, which makes sense

Yes, I asked the question on Aven as well, and it's not surprising that most people on here feel more aro than ace, and that the folks on Aven feel more ace than aro.

I personally feel like they are two sides of the same coin. I suppose aromanticism makes asexuality more visible as well - if someone who is asexual is in a relationship, people will just assume they're not asexual. 

[Andri]

I feel like I'm aro and less so or maybe even not ace. I understand why you might not understand but it's hard to explain. I don't feel that sort of thing that drives people to want to date and I really don't want to date, but at the same time, I still think a person might be cute or hot and I'm going to stop there. It's hard to explain and I'm bad at it so please don't misunderstand. I don't have crushes, and I don't date, just like how just asexuals might date and just not have s** (I dunno the censor rules here). That's as far as I'm willing to go when I'm tired and acting dumber then normal.

To Garlic Bread and World Domination,

Andri the Arrow

[SilenceRadio]

I used to identify as aroace. These days, not so much: I consider myself "asexual" only. Yet my experience with romance hasn't changed: I still enjoy fictional romance from times to times, still don't want a romantic relationship, still reject "romantic attraction" as one coherent thing, still not keen on "love" (and just about anything) as something fundamental to humans. It just so happens that I now consider these experiences to be ace ones for me. I've stopped calling myself aro for multiple reasons:

• The dual orientation framework of [romantic orientation] + [sexual orientation] was the first one I got introduced to. Later on, I realized that some people lacked sexual attraction, yet still called themselves heterosexual, bisexual, pansexual. Sexual orientation described the gender(s) they were oriented to. I liked that idea, as long as it wasn't universalized, and it made much more sense to me, especially since I just... couldn't conceptualize my own experience with the concept of "romantic orientation". I'm not exactly sure why, but I felt alienated from that framework. It was like separating two things that were one and the same for me, so I dropped it.

 

• I was afraid that if I called myself aromantic, people would interpret my asexuality as merely pertaining to the way I feel about sex. I don't feel like reducing my asexuality to sex makes sense: my relationship to romance and my relationship to sexuality are one and the same. Each time I say I'm not interested in men nor women, my dad asks me if I'm asexual. I've had a friend wondering if I was asexual because I didn't want to date. I like having others considering my asexuality as something whole rather than a fragmented piece that can only be about sexuality. If non-aro bisexual people don't have to call themselves biromantic, I don't have to call myself aromantic.

 

• I felt dehumanized because of an experience I tied to my asexuality rather than my aromanticism. Even though I was equally fine with not wanting sex and not wanting to be in a romantic relationship, I struggled for months with something that treated my aromanticism as a default and my asexuality as a lie I had fabricated myself. I wasn't a witness to many debates regarding who was "truly" aro in the aro community, whereas I purposefully joined AVEN in a time where people kept debating the validity of the newly suggested definition and criticized the approach to identity that was what allowed me to consider myself (aro) ace in the first place. I associated asexuality with pain, and for a while going back to IDing as just aro felt appealing. That didn't last for long as I encountered one AVEN discussion that seemed to take romantic essentialism for granted (or at least, that's how I interpreted it), which broke the illusion that aromanticism was the only orientation I could claim without being implicitly told I was wrong. Regarding the medicalization of certain types of asexuality, that felt much closer to my experience as someone who briefly wondered if I could take meds to be (or not to be) asexual. I never considered my lack of romantic drive an issue that needed to be fixed: the only thing that needed fixing was how people felt about it.

I was (and still am) in my late teens: romantic crushes are often experienced when you're young, so my aromanticism felt secure in a way my asexuality never did (I had a lot of "am I a late-bloomer?" doubts). And running away from it felt like defeat. I've felt like I could be aro for way longer than I've felt allowed to be ace, and so identifying as ace, just ace, without thinking of what the respectability-oriented alloromantic aces or anyone else would think... felt liberating.

I feel like aro discussions tend to interest me more though, even two years after beginning to question my orientation.

On 8/3/2022 at 8:59 PM, Dominus Temporis said:

I often have a really hard time relating to alloromantic aces; finding a partner seems to be a big part of their lives.

At first, when lurking AVEN, I distinctly remember feeling alienated from all the romance talk. I suppose I've become more accepting of romance as I questioned my orientation? I don't know if it's because I magically keep spending time with just aro aces and very few alloromantic aces in ace communities, though. Most alloromantic aces are single, and some of them either have given up or aren't interested in a romantic relationship, so I've never felt odd for that.

Edited August 9, 2022 by SilenceRadio

[Dominus Temporis]

54 minutes ago, SilenceRadio said:

I used to identify as aroace. These days, not so much: I consider myself "asexual" only. Yet my experience with romance hasn't changed: I still enjoy fictional romance from times to times, still don't want a romantic relationship, still reject "romantic attraction" as one coherent thing, still not keen on "love" (and just about anything) as something fundamental to humans. It just so happens that I now consider these experiences to be ace ones for me. I've stopped calling myself aro for multiple reasons:

• The dual orientation framework of [romantic orientation] + [sexual orientation] was the first one I got introduced to. Later on, I realized that some people lacked sexual attraction, yet still called themselves heterosexual, bisexual, pansexual. Sexual orientation described the gender(s) they were oriented to. I liked that idea, as long as it wasn't universalized, and it made much more sense to me, especially since I just... couldn't conceptualize my own experience with the concept of "romantic orientation". I'm not exactly sure why, but I felt alienated from that framework. It was like separating two things that were one and the same for me, so I dropped it.

 

• I was afraid that if I called myself aromantic, people would interpret my asexuality as merely pertaining to the way I feel about sex. I don't feel like reducing my asexuality to sex makes sense: my relationship to romance and my relationship to sexuality are one and the same. Each time I say I'm not interested in men nor women, my dad asks me if I'm asexual. I've had a friend wondering if I was asexual because I didn't want to date. I like having others considering my asexuality as something whole rather than a fragmented piece that can only be about sexuality. If non-aro bisexual people don't have to call themselves biromantic, I don't have to call myself aromantic.

 

• I felt dehumanized because of an experience I tied to my asexuality rather than my aromanticism. Even though I was equally fine with not wanting sex and not wanting to be in a romantic relationship, I struggled for months with something that treated my aromanticism as a default and my asexuality as a lie I had fabricated myself. I wasn't a witness to many debates regarding who was "truly" aro in the aro community, whereas I purposefully joined AVEN in a time where people kept debating the validity of the newly suggested definition and criticized the approach to identity that was what allowed me to consider myself (aro) ace in the first place. I associated asexuality with pain, and for a while going back to IDing as just aro felt appealing. That didn't last for long as I encountered one AVEN discussion that seemed to take romantic essentialism for granted (or at least, that's how I interpreted it), which broke the illusion that aromanticism was the only orientation I could claim without being implicitly told I was wrong. Regarding the medicalization of certain types of asexuality, that felt much closer to my experience as someone who briefly wondered if I could take meds to be (or not to be) asexual. I never considered my lack of romantic drive an issue that needed to be fixed: the only thing that needed fixing was how people felt about it.

I was (and still am) in my late teens: romantic crushes are often experienced when you're young, so my aromanticism felt secure in a way my asexuality never did (I had a lot of "am I a late-bloomer?" doubts). And running away from it felt like defeat. I've felt like I could be aro for way longer than I've felt allowed to be ace, and so identifying as ace, just ace, without thinking of what the respectability-oriented alloromantic aces or anyone else would think... felt liberating.

I feel like aro discussions tend to interest me more though, even two years after beginning to question my orientation.

At first, when lurking AVEN, I distinctly remember feeling alienated from all the romance talk. I suppose I've become more accepting of romance as I questioned my orientation? I don't know if it's because I magically keep spending time with just aro aces and very few alloromantic aces in ace communities, though. Most alloromantic aces are single, and some of them either have given up or aren't interested in a romantic relationship, so I've never felt odd for that.

Very interesting perspective! I can certainly agree with a lot of the points here. All the early signs that I was asexual were likewise early signs that I was aromantic - they were always parts of the same thing. I'm fine with calling myself aroace, but I see them as a whole, and the fact that one can be one without the other is something I struggle to understand. 

[Neon]

I feel more aro than ace. I believe this is because it has a bigger impact on my life.

[AFlyingPiglet]

This is a really good question. 

I think I feel more aro than ace. 

When I first came across the term asexual and discovered AVEN, I was shocked to learn that a lot of aces still wanted a romantic relationship etc. I knew I was ace but it took a while to understand I'm aro as well, simply because I thought they were the same thing. 

I feel more aro as I don't want to be in a relationship (such things are just not on my radar). Other people seem obsessed by this yet it never crosses my mind.

Quite lot of aces are also looking for or have a partner, ideally another ace, which is fine, but not for me. 

I have faced a fair bit of discrimination over the years from people who have problems with accepting I'm happy on my own so I think being aro is seen as more of a threat to them than being ace.

I'm not explaining this very well so I hope it makes some sort of sense. 

 

Edited August 15, 2022 by AFlyingPiglet

[queer_kaleidoscope]

I think I feel more aromantic than asexual. I spend more time thinking about being aro and it definitely has a larger impact on my life than being ace does. It also took me longer to accept myself for being aro, idk, maybe that plays a part in it. 

[Dominus Temporis]

On 8/15/2022 at 9:59 PM, AFlyingPiglet said:

This is a really good question. 

I think I feel more aro than ace. 

When I first came across the term asexual and discovered AVEN, I was shocked to learn that a lot of aces still wanted a romantic relationship etc. I knew I was ace but it took a while to understand I'm aro as well, simply because I thought they were the same thing. 

I feel more aro as I don't want to be in a relationship (such things are just not on my radar). Other people seem obsessed by this yet it never crosses my mind.

Quite lot of aces are also looking for or have a partner, ideally another ace, which is fine, but not for me. 

I have faced a fair bit of discrimination over the years from people who have problems with accepting I'm happy on my own so I think being aro is seen as more of a threat to them than being ace.

I'm not explaining this very well so I hope it makes some sort of sense. 

 

I, too, found it weird at first that aro and ace wasn't the same when I came across the terms

[MaikeruSapphire]

Aromanticism for sure. Up until last month I thought I was heterosexual aromantic, because I have a high libido and women are aesthetically pleasing. I'm not really sex-repulsed either. I just wouldn't want to have sex outside of a married partner for religious reasons, and since I don't want to get married, sex is kinda out of the question for me.

What sealed the deal for me was looking at the results when I searched what sexual attraction feels like. Then everything made a lot more sense.

[SkyTuneRein]

Parts of me feel much more aromantic than asexual or even demisexual.

[alto]

Both.  They're both a part of me.

[illumi]

i feel both equally i suppose. i dont really care about my orientation either way

[MaxIsCosmic]

Personally I think I feel a bit more aro (even tho I’m only demi romantic) it’s a part of my identity I tend to have to explain more and it also was a longer journey to find who I am on the aro spec so I feel I tend to identify my self with the demi romantic orientation a lot more the asexual one but I am definitely still asexual.