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Jedi

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    unromanceable
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    female
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    she/her

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  1. I don't think you can actually forbid your mom from inviting people over. That doesn't make any sense to me. It sounds like the sort of thing that a parent might attempt to forbid a teenager from doing, and not very successfully. Perhaps you can negotiate a new system where she lets you know well in advance if she is going to have someone over and for how long? So that you know, and you can plan to be somewhere else, or lock yourself in your room or something for that period of time, if you don't want to meet the person. There is limited information here, so I am presuming a lot. You may correct me if I am wrong, but I am guessing that your mom knows about your dislike for houseguests, possibly reacting strongly to the very idea, and she, being unwilling to give it up, decided that lying about it is the path of least resistance. And I am willing to bet that not knowing when there will be other people around is just gonna make it worse for you. It would for me. That is why you're going to have to renegotiate how you handle guests. Something like, you don't freak out whenever there is a guest, and she is honest about when there are guests and don't spring them on you suddenly or lie about it.
  2. There is no prefect, non awkward way of doing this. I think we are all going to have to accept that unrequited love will always be painful. And delivering the news that a love is unrequited is always going to be awkward. I think "I don't feel the same way, I'm sorry" or similar clear but gentle rejection is the best we can do. You will both survive the awkwardness. The first time someone confessed feelings for me I also panicked, by the way x) It was ages ago, I barely remember the conversation, and honestly I doubt he does either. So, take heart that even when it does get weird, it's perfectly survivable. There is also the option of being very open with being aromantic, and not interested in the whole dating-romance thing. I'm not really a person who specifically 'come out' but the topic of relationships come up with enough regularity that I have had the option of bringing it up naturally with most people I am close to. So most people know i am not actually available. It doesn't mean no one will ever develop feelings for you, and some people might still think asking is worth a shot, but having a baseline of "this person is probably not interested in anything" will at least set some expectations.
  3. This is so well put. (And very good advice) I have found myself trying to give this kind of advice many times but always struggle with how to phrase it.
  4. Jedi

    The Future

    I have a job now, and live in my own apartment. I have only lived here for a couple of months so I'm settled but not rooted. I have the good fortune to have a nice and sociable brother nearby, and have started hanging out more with him and his girlfriend since I moved here. There is a sense that while I live alone, I am not alone, since I have family nearby that I know I can trust, and friends online that I can always reach out to. I still do plan on getting my own house eventually with cats. Once I start dreaming, also horses. And I have been joking about getting a full on mansion and moving my friends into the wings, but that is more of a dream scenario than something I have a practical plan for x) Some other stories, as inspiration/real world examples just to know they're out there. I know at least it makes me feel better to know they're there x) I have an uncle that, while I can't say if he's aro, never got himself a partner, but lives an apartment shared with friend(s) (I don't understand exactly if there are two of them in one apartment and one in the one right next door, or something like that) Bottom line is, three dudes, in the same building, hangs out a lot and plays DnD. I feel like when this was spoken about, there was an undertone of them being losers. The nerds who never got wives. But the more I think about it, the more that life sounds amazing. Being a single nerd who plays a lot of DnD with friends sounds amazing. Also my grandmother, even while she is the one who still tells me I will "meet the right person someday" did tell me two stories of people who didn't live that traditional life, in a way that suggested she thought this was completely valid, albeit slightly unusual. One was her aunt-in-law. As her husband's mother had died early, her father-in-law had a lot of help raising his kids from his sister. This aunt-in-law had never married, but lived in a house with another of her brothers. They had a nice garden, and that is about all I know. The other story was of a friend of hers, maybe older I think. Who worked in a hotel (this was so long ago that 'the woman had a job' was a thing worth mentioning about her). She also never married, even though she was, according to my grandmother, very good looking with beautiful brown eyes (the implication being, she could have had any man, had she wanted one). Not immediately relevant, but I think it is interesting to bring up that these non-heteronormative lives were options, even a hundred years ago.
  5. I never heard of it before. Looked it up the word hikikomori on wikipedia, and I can't really see that much connection. Isolating yourself and refusing to participate in society seems to me entirely different from being uninterested in romantic partnership in particular. Of course, I don't know what was actually said in the podcast. Can you explain more about what parallels and common points stood out to you?
  6. I see no reason not to. Go for it. Godspeed.
  7. You're not hurting anyone by asking questions^^ We're just being blunt. If these thoughts and experiences shared in this thread has given you something to think about, or made you understand a new point of view a little better, that is all I was hoping for. Take care.
  8. Dreams are basically your brain tidying up. Sometimes it is a bunch of random stuff you haven't been thinking about in ages, dug out from under the couch, and sometimes, it is the stuff that you're constantly thinking about that is lying strewn everywhere that is being picked up. I take it that you are thinking about this person a lot, and worrying about what she thinks of you, and it isn't weird that different takes on that subject shows up in your dreams. I have had multiple separate dreams about me turning myself into a space marine, and all this means is that I have read too many books about space marine lately. Even if it is a lot more visceral in your case, because the subject in your dreams is something real, and something that matters to you, the basic concept is the same. It's on your mind a lot and it is in your subconscious mind too. It doesn't say anything about what she actually feels, or what she'd actually do.
  9. It is very possible to feel strongly for people for all kinds of reasons. I have not experienced this in particular, but I have had feelings of, for example, jealousy come at me from unexpected directions. In an "I didn't even know this was something I wanted" sort of way. Maybe the wish to be close to her is coming to the forefront more intensely now that you know she has a person she likes more than you, in a way that wasn't obvious before. Perhaps the realization that you want a relationship like that increases the effect. Like, you want somebody to spend your life with like that and this person is now the focus of that wish since she's the one who made you aware of it. Possibly these two in combination. I don't really have advice, just points for thinking I guess. If it is coming partly from the concept of a relationship like that, and not just the person herself, then that is a good thing to know about yourself going forward. Then you know what to look for.
  10. I like to call myself 'unromanceable' which is a videogame term often applied to characters in bioware-rpgs. Relating to, specifically, npcs that you can have in your party and interact with, but who do not have a romance path. You can max out my approval but there just is no romance to unlocked. I can understand that this might seem strange to someone who thinks of relationships as hierarchical. Feeling like there should be a next step. And to be perfectly honest, I am not much a fan of that philosophy, and think that even regular, sexual and romantic people could befit from a looser view of that hierarchy. Indeed you should not. I think there is a bit of a miscommunication here. No one is saying that you should give up on finding a romantic partner, or give up on sex. We are saying that, from the sound of everything you said, and based on our own experiences, this friend is not going to be that person. You are going to have to find someone else for that. My interpretation here is that you need her, but you also need something more than she has to give you. And that is fine. That is what I mean about loosening that view of a strict relationship hierarchy, where only romantic relationships really matter. You can still have her in your life while you search for more. Not every need you have needs to be met by one singular person. I see that you are trying to understand, and I appreciate that. You have heard the word aromantic, and now you are seeking out advice from aromantics. That is the right thing to do. And I also appreciate your continued good manners even when the answer is not what you want to hear. And no, your explanation does not change my read on the situation at all. It is about what I already gathered. I'm sorry. Well, that is unfortunate. If you really think that you can't be friends with her, because you are deep in love and always wanting more and hurting for it, then you might have to take some space until you are over it. It is the flip side of the "friendzone" that you're talking about, called the "girlfriend-zone" or sometimes "the bone-zone". Both hurt, but nothing to be done about. It hurts you when someone you liked romantically didn't love you back, and only saw you as a friend. It also hurts when someone you thought was a friend drops you like a moldy potato because if you can't be 'girlfriend' then you're nothing to them. But it is not your friends' fault they were not in love with you. And it is not your fault that you're in love with your friend. I do hope you find some way to manage those feelings without having to take the moldy potato option though. I think the world will be a better place for people valuing their friendships along side their romantic partners, and not seeing them as in competition, but that is a bit of a tangent. This might be another point of confusion. Aromantic people don't generally have romantic partners. So, what partners are we talking about here? You don't have to be doing anything wrong. Sometimes people are not in love with their friends. Love is not a game of doing everything right and get the reward. There is another person on the other end with feelings that you have no control over. And sometimes we have friends that we're not in love with. And that's why the 'friendzone' tends to sound like such bullshit to our ears. I am sorry that you have been feeling used though.
  11. I am willing to bet those are not mixed signals at all. You just have different ideas on how affectionate friends are supposed to be. I have heard that this is sometimes a problem that occurs between men and women even when no one is aromantic, because (allegedly) women tend to me more affectionate with friends than men, and so men sometimes interpret women's "we're close friends" behaviors as flirting. Being aromantic makes this even more likely, she has specifically told you that she doesn't feel that way about you or anyone. Sometimes, as an aromantic woman, one has to be a little on guard about being affectionate with straight male friends, because they might get the wrong idea. But perhaps, having come out to you, she figures you know where she's at. And so, feels she can be as affectionate as she wants to be without fear of misunderstanding. I know I often wish I could just love my friends in a way that makes sense to me, without having that love misconstrued into something it isn't. That she's acting like you're special to her is not contradictory to her being aromantic. Close friendships is the most special we have! And calling that "friendzoning" is a little like saying "if you don't love me in this specific way, then your company is not worth anything." and that just feels a little harsh. Especially since she clearly keeps you in high regard! She's affectionate, she thinks you're special to her, she likes to spend a lot of time with you, all those things are still true, you're not wrong about them. You are wrong thinking that these things are necessarily romantic. Like, shit, can't I spend time with my friends and think they're special to me? Those are my favourite people!
  12. Well, at this point you have tried a lot of ways to try to get him to talk about the state of your relationship with you, and you have some very clear information showing that he won't. He just won't. He likes things the way they are, and will not engage in any defining-the-relationship type discussion. You're probably going to have to accept that is the way of it, and decide what you want to do from there. And one could make the argument that this is bad communication, and not fully healthy. But it could just as easily be that he smells that you are going to ask him for things he cannot give you. That you want something more, and he doesn't. It might be that the whole subject has gotten so contentious at this point that he just won't engage with it. Either way, I don't think there is much you can do about it, you have already tried so many things. It might just be the price of entry in this relationship that he does not want to talk about it, he does not want to be touched, and he will not be more comfortable with it for your pushing the matter. I mean, I am touch-averse myself, though not to that degree, so I get it from both sides. A minimum of 70cm apart? This is entirely normal now when there is a pandemic of course, but in general, like, who is getting out the measuring tape? Even I allow people I'm close to to hug me if they ask first. But I also know what it is like to get pressured and pushback on this. An old teacher (one I like btw) once put her hand on my shoulder without warning and I jumped a meter into the air, as is my reflex, and she was like "people might take offense when you do that. If I didn't know you, that would have hurt my feelings" and I though 1) it's a reflex, and 2) she knows I don't like being touched. Don't do something you know I don't like and then act hurt when I don't like it. And even when you don't know, well, I jumped out of my skin so now you know I don't like to be touched, good information going forward no? I didn't agree that I needed to curb the reflex, I though people shouldn't touch me without my permission. Comfort with being touched came only AFTER I had drawn those boundaries very firmly, and people started to actually respect my personal space. Once I know you respect my bubble, THEN I can let you into it. Your friend have very firm boundaries regarding personal space. You show you care about him by respecting that. And I know touch is a way that humans show affection, I understand this desire. The people who gave me pushback on my no-touching policy were no weirdo strangers, but usually family members who just wanted to show they cared. Pushing on this still will not help either of you though, so don't touch your friend he doesn't like it. That was a lot of words on the touch-averse part, which is really a side issue to the communication problem, oups. But that's where I have the most personal experience. Closing thoughts: I. sending people links about avoidance issues has a risk of coming across as quite condescending, so I am not surprised that he didn't respond to that. II. The fact that he circles back to you with a safe topic suggests to me that he really wants to keep a connection with you, even when it's awkward.
  13. I do agree that 'single' is a bit loaded. It seems to come with the implication of 'available', and I do feel a little weird using it. But I still think that sticking with the word 'single' and using it neutrally like it means just 'not-partnered' is a valid option still. The reason I am less inclined towards thinking of a new term is that it can sound defensive. I actually dislike 'self-partnered' for this reason. I think it sounds quite weird, like "Oh I'm not single totally have a relationship (with myself)". 'Unpartnered' is better in my opinion. Self explanatory and not sounding like you're so embarrassed about your single status that you have to make up a relationship for yourself. Even though I am pretty sure that's the opposite of what the term 'self-partnered' intended. Is 'single' the formal term for being unpartnered in english speaking countries? Like, if you're filling in a form for an apartment and they want to know how many people live there, for example. In swedish there is 'ensamstående' which would be something like 'standing alone' if translated literally (which makes it sound cooler than it does in swedish x) It has a bit of the same implication), and that's used as the formal formal word for single. I don't remember in what online-space, but I have seen someone with the handle 'NotTakenNotAvailable' x) And I of course, like to call myself 'unromanceable', though that might be more a replacement for 'aro-ace' than it is for 'single'
  14. Funnily enough, that isn't the Love, Actually plot that bugs me. I thought those two were fine. What I didn't understand was the married guy who was buying gifts for his flirty coworker. I initially read their interactions as him being vaguely uncomfortable and annoyed with her, I do not see why he was tempted at all. Just dumb decisions for no reasons that are beyond me. The first movie that comes to mind where the romance subplot really annoyed me is the Hobbit movies. I'm not sure you could shoehorn in a terrible romantic plot in a place where it absolutely doesn't belong worse if you tried.
  15. I want to focus on this, because I recognise this feeling. Over the years, I have received enough proof that my friends like me that I can generally recognise that this feeling lies. But even factually knowing that every other time I have had this feeling I have been wrong, doesn't really make it go away in the moment. And it is trust built over multiple years that has allowed me to get to even that point. At this point, we sometimes joke about it as me lacking a sense of object permanence x) (If I can't hear your voice this second, do I know you're still in the call? If you haven't reach out to me in a few days, am I sure you're still my friend?) I have fewer anxious days than not nowadays, thankfully, but I do know what it feels like. And I think the important part to recognise here is that your anxious mind lies to you. You are worthy of having friends, and the feeling that says that the moment they don't look at you they stop caring about you lies. It lies. I hope you feel better soon
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