The Asexual Thread

[Zema]

I've noticed a number of members here complaining about AVEN recently. There are two main complaints:

1) That AVEN is horrendously slow at times (probably the biggest complaint about AVEN)

2) There are a few people there that make others feel unwelcome.

 

So I thought, why not make a thread over here about Asexuality? That's what this is. Just a general thread where we can talk about asexuality. Think of it sort of like the Aromantic thread over on AVEN, but about asexuality. Anything related to asexuality is welcome here. You can talk about a funny thing that happened because you're asexual, or you can rant about a negative experience which occurred because of your asexuality. You can even use this space to vent about AVEN.

 

Just keep in mind that if a lengthy discussion starts, it may be appropriate to split it off into its own thread, but I'll leave that to the mods.

 

This thread only has one real rule: NO DEFINITIONS DEBATES. If I see any, I will report it to the mods, and if it gets too heated I will ask them to lock the thread. But hopefully it never comes to that.

 

And with that, enjoy . Also, puns are totally allowed (and encouraged)

[Dodgypotato]

Can we do puns? I totally aced that exam.

[ArodynamicallyFavored]

This is acesome Zem!!!!

Rantinnnnnggggg now

 

honestly I call Aven the Hypocrisy Zone now in most of the forums there. It's just crazy,unnecessary drama. And yes there are people there who start drama just for the heck of it then act as if they've done nothing wrong. Throw the the stone and hide their hand type crap & it gets on my last nerve. Ugh

 

rant over

 

it's nice having an ace space here though

and I typed this as slow as I possibly could....and Aven is still loading. I wonder how much band space Aven would have open without the nonsense taking up so much space?

[Confirmed Bachelor]

One comment: thank god no definition debates

[paporomantic]

2 hours ago, Zemaddog said:

You can even use this space to vent about AVEN.

 

No thanks, there's a thread for that already. So I'll keep the current one free of my countervents  (and shall quote the vents I encounter here - and want to comment on - into the former thread and go on to respond to them there).

[Lynx]

Wahey now I don't feel obliged to sign up to AVEN. Although I don't specifically need a place to vent - most of my friends are very accepting that sex isn't for everyone. (Romance and coupling up and ~true love~ not being for everyone is still a bit alien, though - guess that's why I want to be here and not AVEN, despite being more solidly ace than aro.)

[Zema]

10 hours ago, aroMa(n)tisse said:

Quote

You can even use this space to vent about AVEN.

No thanks, there's a thread for that already. So I'll keep the current one free of my countervents  (and shall quote the vents I encounter here - and want to comment on - into the former thread and go on to respond to them there).

I find that thread to be more about people's general attitude towards AVEN. Whereas people might like to vent about something that just happened on AVEN on this thread. I don't really mind where people vent, it's up to them.

 

10 hours ago, Lynx said:

Wahey now I don't feel obliged to sign up to AVEN. Although I don't specifically need a place to vent - most of my friends are very accepting that sex isn't for everyone. (Romance and coupling up and ~true love~ not being for everyone is still a bit alien, though - guess that's why I want to be here and not AVEN, despite being more solidly ace than aro.)

Yeah, that was another reason why I made this thread, because I don't have an AVEN account, and occasionally want to talk about asexuality. I definitely find that aromanticism has more to talk about than asexuality, because it is more of an impact on lifestyle and how others see you than asexuality does.

 

12 hours ago, Dodgypotato said:

Can we do puns? I totally aced that exam.

You could say that you're an ace at exams .

[DannyFenton123]

Sounds great! 

[Starry Sky]

Hello wonderful people! Sadly, I'm bad at puns : (  

[AlexisS]

Hehe good to have this thread

[deltaX]

Hello!  I'm more active on AVEN than on here, but it's cool that this thread exists

[aihpen]

Well now that this thread is a thing, I'll probably be on AVEN even less than I am anyway

[Confirmed Bachelor]

I used to identify heavily with being asexual. But visibility and education around asexuality now focuses primarily on wanting to be in romantic, sexless relationships. And I think it's intentional. 

[Zema]

6 hours ago, The singleton said:

I used to identify heavily with being asexual. But visibility and education around asexuality now focuses primarily on wanting to be in romantic, sexless relationships. And I think it's intentional. 

I totally get this. Unfortunately ~80% of asexuals are romantic, so it kind of makes sense that this is happening. That being said, these people often forget that aro aces exist. I think part of it is the fact that they're trying to normalize asexuality in the eyes of sexual people by saying, "look we're just like you and get into romantic relationships as well!", which makes aromantic people in general seem so much less human. The heavily romanticized visibility and education about asexuality currently doesn't just hurt aro aces, but all aros, because they're acting like everyone experiences romance (in particular asexuals), which is utterly false. It's kind of saddening to experience erasure from people of the same sexual orientation as you, but it's something that all aros face (especially sexual aros).

 

I identify more strongly with being aro than ace anyway, which is why I have an account here and not on AVEN.

[Dodgypotato]

I definitely also identify with being aromantic a lot more than asexual. I just think it tends to affect my life a lot more, personally. I hate how a lot of romantic asexuals try to normalise their sexuality by chucking us in the gutter.

 

We really need to fix the idea that to be normal and happy you need to end up in a long term romantic relationship. Plenty of people don't end up partnered up or married. That doesn't mean they failed at life, contrary to popular belief. It doesn't mean they're bad people. They aren't any lesser. That's stupid. You can be perfectly happy without romance. You don't need someone to 'complete' you. You're whole by yourself. Wholegrain bread.

[Zema]

1 hour ago, Dodgypotato said:

I definitely also identify with being aromantic a lot more than asexual. I just think it tends to affect my life a lot more, personally. I hate how a lot of romantic asexuals try to normalise their sexuality by chucking us in the gutter.

 

We really need to fix the idea that to be normal and happy you need to end up in a long term romantic relationship. Plenty of people don't end up partnered up or married. That doesn't mean they failed at life, contrary to popular belief. It doesn't mean they're bad people. They aren't any lesser. That's stupid. You can be perfectly happy without romance. You don't need someone to 'complete' you. You're whole by yourself. Wholegrain bread.

Down with amatonormativity! Oh shit, I'm already off topic .

 

On topic: I was doing a joke test which would rate my "nerdiness". I got a lower value than I was expecting but meh, that's besides the point. There was a second part where they asked if they could use the results for research and I thought, "eh, why not?". So I clicked yes, and was taken another screen with a few more questions. One of them was asking for sexual orientation, and it had a drop down menu. And asexual was one of the options! I was so surprised and happy at the same time.

[Dodecahedron314]

12 hours ago, Zemaddog said:

Down with amatonormativity! Oh shit, I'm already off topic .

 

On topic: I was doing a joke test which would rate my "nerdiness". I got a lower value than I was expecting but meh, that's besides the point. There was a second part where they asked if they could use the results for research and I thought, "eh, why not?". So I clicked yes, and was taken another screen with a few more questions. One of them was asking for sexual orientation, and it had a drop down menu. And asexual was one of the options! I was so surprised and happy at the same time.

I kind of want to take this test now. I'd be happy to contribute my nerd data to science.

[aussiekirkland]

This thread is a terrific idea. Yes they have the aromantic threads on AVEN but boy do they have a lot of fighting...

 

Anyway I'm just going to jot down some specifically aroace thoughts!

 

Some cool things about being aroace...

- Having the option to say you're "not interested" when coming out and taking advantage of the conflation of romantic and sexual relationships.

- Not having to worry about pursuing a romantic/sexual relationship while not wanting the sexual/romantic aspect (as in split orientations)

 

Some not cool things...

- Discoursers refusing to acknowledge we exist, calling asexuality and aromanticism mutually exclusive modifiers

- Amatonormativity (or is it allonormativity? Can someone explain the difference please?)

[Zema]

14 minutes ago, aussiekirkland said:

- Amatonormativity (or is it allonormativity? Can someone explain the difference please?)

I haven't heard of allonormativity before (although I can guess it's meaning). But amatonormativity is “the assumption that a central, exclusive, amorous relationship is normal for humans, in that it is a universally shared goal, and that such a relationship is normative, in the sense that it should be aimed at in preference to other relationship types.” It is important to note that amatonormaitity doesn't just hurt aros, but polyamorous people and permanently single people. I feel like amatonormativity is one part of allonormativity.

[aussiekirkland]

5 minutes ago, Zemaddog said:

I haven't heard of allonormativity before (although I can guess it's meaning). But amatonormativity is the “the assumption that a central, exclusive, amorous relationship is normal for humans, in that it is a universally shared goal, and that such a relationship is normative, in the sense that it should be aimed at in preference to other relationship types.” It is important to note that amatonormaitity doesn't just hurt aros, but polyamorous people and permanently single people.

This makes sense, thank you  so while amatonormativity was a concept coined by aces, it probably effects aros a lot more than romantic aces? (And of course it would effect polyamorous people quite a lot)

[Zema]

2 minutes ago, aussiekirkland said:

This makes sense, thank you  so while amatonormativity was a concept coined by aces, it probably effects aros a lot more than romantic aces? (And of course it would effect polyamorous people quite a lot)

It was coined by Elizabeth Brake. I can't find any sources that would suggest she is either asexual and/or aromantic.

[aussiekirkland]

5 minutes ago, Zemaddog said:

It was coined by Elizabeth Brake. I can't find any sources that would suggest she is either asexual and/or aromantic.

Oh oops! Thanks for the correction, I obviously have no idea what I'm talking about

[morallygayro]

5 hours ago, Zemaddog said:

I haven't heard of allonormativity before (although I can guess it's meaning). But amatonormativity is “the assumption that a central, exclusive, amorous relationship is normal for humans, in that it is a universally shared goal, and that such a relationship is normative, in the sense that it should be aimed at in preference to other relationship types.” It is important to note that amatonormaitity doesn't just hurt aros, but polyamorous people and permanently single people. I feel like amatonormativity is one part of allonormativity.

I hate both words tbh.

 

allonormativity doesn't exist bc LGBQ people are punished and even killed for our attraction, trans people and PoC are seen as predatory for it, intersex, gnc, and LGBT people's sex lIves are hypersexualized and turned into pornography, and women are shamed if they're perceived as sexually promiscuous.

 

Amatonormativity doesn't exist either because the only romantic relationships that are rewarded and centered in society are ones in which both people are cishet (including cishet aces and cishet aros).

 

And while we're at it, compulsory sexuality doesn't exist either because the only people who benefit from a hypersexualized society are cishet white men. Everyone else is turned into a sexual commodity for the consumption of others, or they have to fight for their right to be sexual and have sexual agency (meaning that when they are sexual, that sexuality is an inherently radical act of resistance and shouldn't be shut down just because a few aces are uncomfortable with it).

 

Also, can we not use words that group LGBQ people with people who want us dead? Is that really so much to ask?

[aussiekirkland]

30 minutes ago, morallygayro said:

Also, can we not use words that group LGBQ people with people who want us dead? Is that really so much to ask?

So by that logic cisgender, monosexual and dyadic shouldn't be used either because they group people with their oppressors?

 

While we're at it let's abolish every minority's ability to communicate by separating themselves from their opposites. Guess we can't use neurotypical or allistic either.

 

Honestly I can't stand it when people language police the aro/ace community. Yes there are a lot of problems within our community but having the language to share our experiences is not one of them.

 

(I didn't include the rest of your post because you made some good points)

[morallygayro]

3 hours ago, aussiekirkland said:

So by that logic cisgender, monosexual and dyadic shouldn't be used either because they group people with their oppressors?

 

While we're at it let's abolish every minority's ability to communicate by separating themselves from their opposites. Guess we can't use neurotypical or allistic either.

 

Honestly I can't stand it when people language police the aro/ace community. Yes there are a lot of problems within our community but having the language to share our experiences is not one of them.

 

(I didn't include the rest of your post because you made some good points)

Cis, neurotypical, and dyadic are actual privileges. Also I'm trans, autistic, and intersex so you can't exactly use that as a gotcha. But no, monosexual shouldn't be used either.

 

And, honey, I'm aro myself. I'm not policing shit. I'm just a bi aro who has seen way too much homophobia from the ace/aro communities, to the point where many LGBQ aces/aros have been forced out because of it. You actually care about ALL aces and aros? Prove it and don't group LGBQ people with our oppressors, because that shit hurts us too.

 

By the way, "I hate when people language police aces and aros"? You sound like a cishet whining about political correctness because gay/bi men and trans women get angry when they call us fags.