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How Being Arospec Influences Your Gender


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I've heard some people talk about how their aro identity is really important to understanding their gender. If you have a similar experience, I'd love to hear more about it! 

As an example, I've heard a lot of people who are aroace and agender say that they feel really disconnected from the entirety of gender because of their disconnect to romantic or sexual attraction. Since romance and sex are usually coded by society as very gendered, some aroaces feel alienated from gender and identify as agender instead. 

I think this is really interesting, and would love to hear how others approach it!

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Posted (edited)

There's actually a term called arogender specifically for people who feel inclined to put a word to this phenomenon. Doesn't apply to me, but I thought I'd mention it in case people aren't aware.

Though I will say that even as someone who's very much a cis woman, being aro has often made me feel alienated from my gender. Womanhood is so closely associated with romance that there are very few women in media I can relate to- Most media aimed at women is about or heavily features romance, and most women in media aimed at men only exist to be love interests, or don't get much screen time/character development. For a long time I thought I must have had heavy internalized misogyny despite my attempts to avoid those kinds of thoughts. Eventually I realized it wasn't that I disliked women, it was just that I disliked romance, and... It's pretty much impossible to find women in media in a non-romantic context. :/

Edited by Jot-Aro Kujo
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Posted (edited)

I think I could speak to the experience of feeling a link between one's gender and orientation.

I am afab, and still identify as female to an extent, despite feeling some disconnection from it. Being aro may be part of it, though recently, I have also realized I experience some sexual attraction to women. My relationship with gender, and the desire to appear more butchy made more sense when I discovered this part of myself. This could be because women are often portrayed as objects of men's desire, and being in any romantic or sexual relationship with a man was something that had always made me extremely uncomfortable. I felt so relieved when I came to terms with my homosexuality, like everything was coming together.

I have also found that my capacity to feel attraction varies from day to day and influences my relationship with gender as well. On days where I don't feel much attraction to anyone, I feel more agendered, but on days where I feel sexual attraction to women, I feel more female.

There are many days where I prefer not to be seen as a woman, but some androgynous being. It wouldn't be accurate for me to say that I experience gender dysphoria, but I've had some upsetting dreams about my hair growing back long.

Edited by Finch
Wanted to improve the flow.
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4 hours ago, Jot-Aro Kujo said:

There's actually a term called arogender specifically for people who feel inclined to put a word to this phenomenon. Doesn't apply to me, but I thought I'd mention it in case people aren't aware.

Thanks for pointing this out!

4 hours ago, Jot-Aro Kujo said:

For a long time I thought I must have had heavy internalized misogyny despite my attempts to avoid those kinds of thoughts. Eventually I realized it wasn't that I disliked women, it was just that I disliked romance, and... It's pretty much impossible to find women in media in a non-romantic context. :/

This is such a good point, thanks for sharing! I'm trying to think of specific books or movies I've seen where there isn't any romance mentioned in women's storylines. It's so depressing that there aren't more good models for how womanhood doesn't have to be tied up to romance like how it's portrayed in most media. Do you have any recommendations of characters or media that has better representation? Most of the ones I can think of involve secondary characters or include romance in the plot in some way (ex. Hunger Games with Katniss, Harry Potter's Luna Lovegood).

2 hours ago, Finch said:

I have also found that my capacity to feel attraction varies from day to day and influences my relationship with gender as well. On days where I don't feel much attraction to anyone, I feel more agendered, but on days where I feel sexual attraction to women, I feel more female.

Thanks for sharing here! That sounds like a really unique and interesting experience. I love hearing about the interplay between sexuality, attraction, gender, and romantic attraction. I think it's such a nuanced topic and it's cool to see how those different elements interact. 

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Personally, I don't feel like there's any strong connection between my being aro/ace and being non-binary.  They're both important facets of who I am, but they don't affect each other any more than my love of sketching affects my religious beliefs.

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On 5/26/2021 at 1:09 AM, Rainy Robin said:

I've heard a lot of people who are aroace and agender say that they feel really disconnected from the entirety of gender because of their disconnect to romantic or sexual attraction. Since romance and sex are usually coded by society as very gendered, some aroaces feel alienated from gender and identify as agender instead.

Well, I'm not agender but I'm a trans man. I feel very connected with being aromantic and asexual. But I don't really think that me being transgender is an important part of my identity. I would rather live in stealth mode, I just don't feel the need to tell people that I'm trans and I'm definitely not one of those trans people who are really proud of being trans and buy trans pride merch. Most people think that I'm cis because I want to be seen as such and I don't go to a pride parade with a trans flag. I'm just not really connected to being transgender but I feel a huge connection with being aro and ace (especially aro, it's the most important part of my identity to me). I have a plenty of aro and ace pride merch because I'm proud to be aroace. I don't care about me being trans tho, I just don't see this as a big deal.

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I am aroace but not agender. I am a woman who is different from other women, don't have the same interests, don't want the same things in life. I don't dream about love, romance, having babies, having a partner. I am just a woman who want to live her dreams, travel, read, learn more and more things in her life but all by on my own not with someone else. 

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I am aroace, with aro being a really important part of my identity. However, it doesn't really conflict with my gender identity since I don't identify neither as male or female but as androgynous. I feel that there is not enough representation for queer characters in the current media, and less about minorities inside that umbrella. I want to identify with someone inside movies, series or just anybody that embraces their queer or non binary identity without relating it to sexual or romantic themes. 

I understand that one issue in the representation is that "it wouldn't sell; it is boring" so you do not hear in media things that aren't "juicy". That is one problem, or that people criticize without knowing all details. I for one abide for the rule that people should mind their business, so I am against the idea of reading about celebrities life if they do not give their consent.

Sorry if I went off topic, yeah my aroness and aceness don't affect much my identity as a person, because I am unique and so are everyone else, so I am cool with the idea of everyone being themselves and we care for everyone equally.

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