ArothrutheMoon

Weird question, but does anybody else ever "come out" as smth not aro? As a bit of background, I grew up in a pretty conservative Christian area in the western US and a couple of years ago moved to a *slightly* more liberal corner of the western US. It's enough that sexuality is usually pretty accepted but gender feels a little iffier and most people aren't super educated on either. I'm agender/genderfluidish but use all pronouns, so unless I feel really comfortable w someone I just let them assume pronouns and leave the topic be. I'm aro and ace-spec, I think, but I'm not sure exactly where the second half of that falls. I know I'm not into men tho, or at least not 99% of them. As a result of that and also probably being chronically online during the Discourse™ in the years I was figuring out my orientation, I absolutely hate it when ppl think I'm straight. I can handle the dysphoria from them thinking I'm a woman, that's whatever, just as long as they don't think I'm a straight cis woman. But at the same time, the effort it takes to come out as aro? Absolutely ridiculous. If any group can understand y'all can, I'm sure. The "PowerPoint", the definitions, the defense that it can even exist, that there's nothing wrong with me, that I don't need to be "fixed"—it's exhausting, especially when I'm dealing w my own internalized aphobia at the same time. So I've just been kind of...implying I'm a lesbian instead. I dress pretty butch, my ex is a girl, and it's really, really easy to just let people make assumptions and draw their own conclusions. I think I might lean that way sexually, too, so it's almost true? But not really. I'm very very aro and my sexual attraction isn't strong enough to feel like it counts on its own. Plus I don't want a relationship beyond maybe FWB, and it just doesn't feel like it fits? (Note: there are totally aroace and aspec lesbians and sapphics and that's so super valid!—just not a label that fits me comfortably I think) I've been doing this for a while, pretty much ever since I properly realized just how difficult it is to be openly aro. If I could be, I would—I wear my pride pins often, and if someone actually asks me I tell them and go through the trouble to define it. But it's honestly just too exhausting where I am now. Lately, though, I've been wondering if this is a more common experience. I've made a couple friends here who're aspec, but all of the ones I'm close to use the SAM and have another orientation too. Do any of y'all do anything similar? TL;DR I'm aro nonbinary and not a lesbian, but imply I am to avoid aphobia, dysphoria, and straight men. Anybody else??

I'm not sure I can speak super eloquently on how exactly they're connected (aside from really convoluted attempts to vaguely impress my feelings on paper lol), but they feel that way for me! I'm aromid and agender/genderfluid ish? Partially for me my aro identity took so long for me to come to terms with that by the time I got to gender it was a really big part of everything I thought abt myself. But I also think that the way femininity/masculinity was often defined in my area was heavily reliant on their opposition in romance--a woman is the person who's with a man, etc. And the feminine was found in being appealing , particularly, whether that was actively being flirtatious or simple beauty. Men weren't pretty, women were. And, for me, I as a non-amorous aro was never in that opposition matrix, and spent a great deal of time trying to seem as unappealing as possible so I wouldn't be seen as a potential partner, and feeling very uncomfortable around my prescribed partner sex to boot. So even if it didn't "make" my gender per say it def influenced the way I think abt it.

It's kind of funny cause I figured I was ace first, then aroace, then had a Major gender crisis for like a year and a half, then circled back around to realizing that I'm actually pretty neutral (and maybe even favorable!) towards sex. But absolutely romance repulsed. Just. Euhhhh. Not for me. So I was relating a Lot to the aroallo things I saw posted around, and eventually I dropped the ace, a bit. I think I'm still technically asexual, but combining my desire to have sex without a romantic relationship, and my preference for women/nb people, I haven't been feeling very much like it. Sure, I still don't feel any desire to bang someone when I look at them. But I can't really relate to the aroace stuff either. So I kind of--idk, stuck in the middle. My romantic orientation has had so much more of an impact on my life and the way I see the world, and even tho I absolutely support SAM users, being aro just kind of feels like it trumps everything else, y'know? It's the one part of my orientation/gender I'm absolutely certain of.

When I was younger I used to try to write fantasy a lot, and I thought romance (straight romance, even, I grew up in rural USA and was therefore Not Very Aware) was an absolute requirement. But I also thought it was kinda stupid. I wrote two decently long stories. In the first, there was a mermaid who, Ariel style, got a crush on a guy and tried to follow him on land (she used a wheelchair instead of some strange transformation thing). But later she found out he was a douche so just became super close "friends" with this other girl instead. (Was it friendship? Dating? A QPR? Who knows, certainly not tiny oblivious me who just really liked the concept of Secret Mermaid Friend and a fun knit lap blanket to keep her tail warm and covered.) In the other, the lead pretended to like a guy cause he really liked her and so she thought she'd give it a try, but then he tried to kill her so she stabbed him and ran off with her best friend, who happened to be a dragon. Yeah, I definitely should've noticed I was aro sooner than I did.

So, I'm aroace (completely and totally, I've never had anything approaching a crush in my life) and currently in a QPR with a fantastic and amazing person. It's the first relationship I've been in and I really care about her a lot--more for her mind than anything else. I love the bantering, inside jokes, hugs, holding hands, etc, and tho I don't have a crush on her, the...queerplatonic? attraction is up there. But I'm still not a romantic person (no rose colored glasses or hearts in my eyes, I've gone into this relatively clear headed, I think). She's biro and demisexual, and definitely has feelings for me in both ways. I don't really feel pressured into doing anything, I know we can work together to find where we're both comfortable, but here's the thing: if she has feelings for me, how do I know that she actually cares about ME. Like, I've never had a crush or sexual feelings, but I know that sometimes they come without actually liking the person. People get crushes on people they don't even know, and see them as better than they are because of it. I went into this knowing her flaws and mine, and knowing that she was a person I wanted to be with regardless. But without having a crush, would she have done the same? I just. Crushes sound so FAKE. Like oh wow a person I barely know, guess I've got butterflies and want to be with them all the time. And I know they happen, I guess, but I have no idea and no context for whether those feelings mean something. Are they even real? Would she like me without them? If they go away, will she realize that she doesn't like me enough? I just. Yeah. Would appreciate input from both aros and alloromatics. Cause I certainly have no clue what the hell I'm doing.