How do you know if your gender fluctuates?

[aesthetic mess]

I've been thinking lately that I'm a demigirl or maybe graygender, but recently I've been feeling more "girly". It could just be because I'm actually cis and just want to be "cool", but it could also be because I might be genderflux? The thing is, I don't know if my gender is fluctuating or if I'm just having doubts. I know that I'm really the only one who can determine my gender, but. Advice?

[paporomantic]

I'd just present as I feel like in practice and stop worrying about the theoretical identity 

 

Being an aro ace makes it much easier because you don't need to worry about being attractive romantically or sexually (which would make it desirable to present as a definite gender because the percentage of people who're polysexual or polyromantic is too small for them to be a 'target audience' in dating).

[AlexisS]

I haven't focused much on my gender until recently, since I've been too caught up with figuring things out about my aro/ace identity. 

But now that it's somewhat settled, I found myself thinking more

and more about my gender identity(or lack thereof)

 

I often find myself disturbed/annoyed/mad when I get called 'girl', 'lady', 'woman', etc, but then some other time I don't notice it at all. Sometimes I catch myself acting 'feminine' but the next moment I internally beat myself up for having done that. 

 

So far, I think I might be genderfluid(demigirl, neutrois, agender, i-don't-know-where-i-belong-maybe-a-mix, etc).

 

But even by now, I'm not entirely sure if my gender changes at certain point, or I'm agender and genderblind towards myself until someone else points out I'm a female bodied person so I get social disphoria.

 

Guess I won't be a help to you since I'm also quite new to coming to terms with this self-discovery. Oh well 

[Ugh...]

My gender identity is not really about how I want others to see me or how I see myself. To me, it's completely irrelevant, I do as I please regardless of any notion of gender. However, I do get more girly, boyish, or neutral in front of some people who are more comfortable with a specific gender. For instance, guys who have difficulties to talk to girls will find it easier to talk to me because I will act more neutral or boyish around them, while I would act more feminine in front of someone who prefers feminine psychological traits.

 

I do prefer the pronoun "they" simply because I think it sounds cool, but french does not have an equivalent, so I simply accept whatever people call me.

[aesthetic mess]

thanks for all the replies. i was thinking it over, and i realized that i feel like a demigirl, but with the amount of "girl" changing (i think). is there a word for that?

[paporomantic]

According to a master list of genders on Tumblr, it's called girlflux.

[RedNeko]

Genderflux (I've not heard girlflux before, I assume it's a more specific version of genderflux).

[paporomantic]

32 minutes ago, RedNeko said:

I've not heard girlflux before, I assume it's a more specific version of genderflux

 

It is.

[RedNeko]

1 minute ago, aroMa(n)tisse said:

 

It is.

OK, thanks

[morallygayro]

If you think you're nonbinary, you probably are.

[Cassiopeia]

I think it's important to distinguish between gender identity and gender presentation. I'm cis af, but I do fluctuate on the femme-butch spectrum. But I'm not more or less of a woman when I present more butch than when I am feeling more femmeish.  (the  pronouns are more like an accent/language politics thing)

[Rising Sun]

There is no way to know for sure, because it's like feelings... How do you know you're feeling this way ? You can't really describe it, you just know because you feel this way.

Personally, I notice how much dysphoria there is at any given time, how I perceive myself as a general picture and what gender my character is (and naturally, where I feel comfortable being a character of said gender) in my dreams. Of course we can be any gender in our dreams and this in itself doesn't mean anything, but if you're a certain gender in several dreams and you feel comfortable to the point where it's natural and you might even say that you liked it, I think it's something that shouldn't be ignored, it probably means something important.

[Ace-TheTimelordsCompanion]

I identify as genderflux, my experience is similar to yours in that I fluctuate between agender and female. I get the exact same doubts, I wonder if I am confused, or if maybe I just want to be special. Sometimes, particularly in the beginning I would convince myself that I was a certain stable gender, be it a cis woman, or a demigirl etc. Then my gender would shift and I would become confused again. I still haven;t stopped doubting, but it is getting less and less. What I didn't expect was how much happier I am, I'm not out really, and I don;t know if I will be. but I guess the difference is in understanding and accepting myself. I changed my presentation, and payed more attention to how I was feeling, and it made a difference. I also feel more comfortable breaking gender norms, wearing the clothes I like, and not behaving in a girly way, when I am not a girl. These things aren't exclusive to being genderflux, but for me they came from having a better understanding of myself. 

I think the other thing is that we are pioneers in a way, there are very few people who can tell us what this world feels like, because not too long ago there was no word to describe it.

It is nice to hear from someone else who thinks they may be generflux. because there are so few of us, Good luck in your journey of self discovery

[XesEri]

I would recommend keeping a journal or notebook or something, and write in it once a day or so, even if it's just "I would really like to be called by *fill-in-blank* pronouns today, I felt this dysphoria/euphoria, I think I am this" with a date. Writing it down is "proof" to you that you really feel the way you do. It comes in far more helpful later, when you *know* how you feel, but your internal dialogue makes you doubt yourself.

[aesthetic mess]

just an update if anyone was wondering (which you probably weren't): i currently identify as gray/quoigender, which i interpret to mean "i don't know what the heck gender is and i don't know if i feel or not but if i do, it's probably less than other people do," or something like that. basically i feel a connection to the term quoigender and i feel a connection to the term graygender, so i decided to combine them. i think i'm lunarian (woman-aligned) but i'm not sure if that's because i am or if i'm used to thinking and presenting like i am. i don't really know about pronouns either, mostly because i don't really have friends irl that will help me try them out, but i'm been thinking a lot about they and ze pronouns, so that's what i'm putting on the internet. i'm going to get my hair cut pretty short in a few weeks and i am so ready. you have no idea how ready i am. every time i look in the mirror i can't wait to get my hair cut. i've also been experimenting with binding with sports bras, as my chest is small enough that if i wear a sports bra and a baggy t-shirt i look pretty flat. i've sort of been fantasizing about going out once i get my hair cut and binding and presenting more masculinely for a bit where no one knows me, just to see if i can "pass" as a guy. 

 

i think that's about it for now. if anyone cares i'll keep you guys updated. two weeks until winter break!!!  (for me, at least)

[Natkat]

I call myself trans-ftm-non-binary but I think demiguy fits me best. 

I feel my gender fluctuates between typical "man" normal "guy" and kinda androyne third gender"

 

Like somethimes I just want to be "one of the boys" other times I care less about my gender or I may even prefer if its not seen to be a huge issue. But I still dont like to be called she and stuff so I still prefer being on the masculine side yet sometimes I get really annoyed if I am way more bothered by it than others. its kinda complicated.

 

I go with the. "if this make me happy then its probably right, and if this make me unhappy then its probably not for me" gut feeling. 

 

I notice I feel best when I am read as male but I have 100% freedom to express myself outside of the binary. 

[Dodecahedron314]

My gender does weird things. For the most part I just plain don't have one, but every so often I suddenly get hit with feeling noticeably more masculine and it weirds me the heck out. A lot of the time I'll mentally and verbally refer to myself in masculine terms just to avoid feminine ones rather than because I identify with them specifically, but when my gender does the weird masc thing all of a sudden I feel connected to those on a specific positive level rather than "I don't care what words you use as long as they don't imply that I'm female", and I care a lot more about reading as male than reading as nothing in particular. It's just a very different state of mind in a way that I can't really explain. If I could, I would probably understand gender a lot more than I do.

Spoiler

I also feel almost like I'm closer to being allo when I'm more masc, for some reason??? I sometimes wonder when this happens if I'd just be gay (but still possibly aro) if I were AMAB, and this is a big part of the reason why. Gender and orientation are weird and I don't understand them.  

 

[shotinthehand]

Hi, everyone!

I'm collecting video interviews from non-straight women and transgender and non-binary people on their relationships with their femininity.

If anyone is alright with me interviewing them, please let me know! If you know anyone who might be alright with being interviewed, put them in contact with me!

I'm going to be asking everyone questions like "how does wearing a dress make you feel?" and "do you like being described as feminine?" and I plan on asking questions specific to people's orientations and gender identities as well, such as "how do you respond when people say 'you don't look like a lesbian'?" or "as a trans-girl, do you feel obligated to wear make up to indicate to other people that you are a girl?" or "do people expect you to be available to men as a woman, even after you tell them you are aromantic?"

I'm going to edit all the interviews I get into one cohesive film and then show it in a theater at my school for a suggested donation of about a dollar. I'm going to donate all proceeds to the Urgent Action Fund for Women's Rights, an organization that grants money to activists for women's rights and LGBT+ rights, especially their intersection.

I need to have this finished by March of 2019.

Thanks for your time!

[StarWarsFreak19]

What I would do is if you’re comfortable asking somebody to help, have them at random points in the day how you are acting, looking, etc. and think about how you feel about yourself. This way, it’s not as biased. If not, which I totally understand, you can try it yourself. Maybe take selfies at different points in the day and compare them later, think about how you’re trying to present yourself and how you think about yourself. I know how difficult it is to see the difference when it changes slightly each day. Another thing is to dress how you feel it looks like you. One day, I’ll wear something and it’ll feel natural and look totally like me and the next, the same outfit will look wrong and almost fake. You can also monitor your reactions to pronouns. Those are some of the things that I did. It’s a lot easier when there’s a huge change in gender, but that’s not always how it is. Take your time. Good luck!