Hi everyone!

[elmas]

Hello!

I just want to let you know a little bit about me since I am new here. A few weeks ago I figured out I was asexual and a little later I realized aromantic describes me as well. I read through one of those lists of things that can apply to aromantic people and a lot of those things applied to me and especially to my past relationship. I have only been in one “serious” romantic relationship and looking back at it, a lot more things make sense if you put on an aro lens.

Like a lot of aro ace people I get the feeling that the aro part might be more relevant for me in the future. Although its sometimes also hard to keep them apart. Discovering my identity as aro ace explains so much about my life. I am sure you have all felt the same. I cant wait to meet you all and talk to like minded spirits:) Its so hard for me to explain this concept to my friends. Like its not a real thing or something. I am really looking forward to meeting people who I dont have to explain myself to

I have been on the AVEN forum until now, but I want to join the fellow escapees here

I have also noticed I am not the only lover of romantic fiction on this forum I must say I still find that confusing. For the biggest part of my life I thought me reading/watching romance meant I was secretly craving it myself. But now I am very certain about my aro identity, but I dont have an explanation for my love of romantic fiction anymore...

Wow, that is not the question I wanted my Welcome post to be about  A lot of people seem to start here still questioning, but I am pretty certain of my identity. Might be age related. I am 26 btw.

I came up with another question I have wondered whether I should contact my ex and share my new found identity with him. I feel kinda bad about some stuff and a lot of our problems make so much more sense now. Which brings me considerable peace of mind (that he might also deserve?). Have you ever contacted exes after identifying as aro?

My problem is that you cant just tell people you are aro ace and they will immediately understand. I would have to explain everything and what exactly it meant for our relationship and I dont see myself making that sort of effort for anyone but my friends and family at the moment. I hope this doesnt sound selfish. Maybe its because I am new to this but I find it really hard to make allo people understand. I still have to wrap my head around the fact that most people dont think like me at all. I always thought I was just a slightly cynical person with the “normal” degree of annoyance at all things cheesy.

Well, I am glad to be freed of my ignorance about this wonderful world of people out there that think just like me Or you know, similarly.

PS: Any tips on uploading a profile pic here? Or am I the only one failing at it miserably?

[Cheerio]

Welcome, it's nice to meet you! Also congrats! Finding a label to characterize your feelings and experiences must feel super enlightening and relieving, I know that it was for me anyhow! ? 

 As for your question, I think that if you're comfortable with telling your ex and if you want to tell him, then why not??  Otherwise, I'd hate for you to feel obligated to justify yourself to him about aspects of the relationship that you might not have had control over.

Also, I think I might have an answer for your profile pic question. I'm not sure about what it looks like on your end, but on your personal page, there should be edit option under your circular icon in the upper left. 

Edited December 1, 2020 by Cheerio

[elmas]

Thanks for the welcome! 

I should have been more clear with my question? I have a problem actually uploading a picture. I get this message: "imagecreatefromstring(): No JPEG support in this PHP build". But I will figure it out...and its not that important  (It might be a Linux problem)

No, I am not comfortable telling my ex, so I guess thats my answer. I just feel a little guilty. Although at the time I had no clue what was going with me. I had never even heard of asexuality let alone aromanticism. 

[roboticanary]

Not sure about whether you should tell your ex, I don't have any exes to tell. My advice to that is to think about what terms you are on with your ex beforehand. If you are barely on speaking terms and you turn up and say 'hey, I think i worked out why our relationship fucked up' that probably wont work. also listen to your gut, if you arent ok doing it you are under no obligation to and to be honest there will be people who are far easier to come out to than an ex.

anyway, welcome to the forum, enjoy being here.

[elmas]

Hey thanks!

I really appreciate your reassuring words! I didnt keep in touch with my ex after we broke up, which was also several years ago. And contacting him is the last thing I want to do. I am just struggling with whether thats the right thing. It feels unfair that I got so many answers about the problems in our relationship that he will never get unless I reach out. 

Its nice to hear that you also dont think I have an obligation. I will just have to let it go. 

I can only dream that our community will grow and someday you can come out to people without having to give a TED talk. 

[Erederyn]

Hello! Glad you've been able to figure out your identity, there's a certain power to putting a name to things. 

I definitely agree with the others that you are under no obligation to come out to your ex (or to anyone, for that matter). 

As for the picture, apparently there's just some issues with uploading JPEG. I struggled with it for a while and found that converting my pic to GIF worked. 

38 minutes ago, elmas said:

I can only dream that our community will grow and someday you can come out to people without having to give a TED talk. 

Would be lovely!

[elmas]

Thank you! 

I agree, figuring out my identity really has given me confidence. 

Thanks for the tip with the pictures. I love your profile pic btw!

[cyancat]

i don’t know why i like romantic fiction myself tbh. maybe it’s because we’ve been constantly told romance is a good thing so we live vicariously through fiction for the parts of life that we can’t experience ourselves? 

[elmas]

I have thought about that answer myself. But I am still hoping there is more to it. As a teenager I think that was definitely true for me. I desperately yearned for romance in my own life because I thought I wasnt "normal" lacking it. So I am sure I compensated by reading about it. And maybe its just something that got ingrained when I was an impressionable teenager? 

[Nagito]

Hello!

10 hours ago, elmas said:

I must say I still find that confusing.

Yep, I also think it’s weird to be aro and like reading ’romantic’ fiction. I’m personally writting this type of fanfiction but recently I’ve started to put more aros as main character. Since always my characters were non-heteronormative.

10 hours ago, elmas said:

Have you ever contacted exes after identifying as aro?

No, because I’m transgender and I even don’t remember their names (they hurt me in the past so that’s better to me to don’t talk to them).

[elmas]

2 minutes ago, Rony said:

 I’m personally writting this type of fanfiction but recently I’ve started to put more aros as main character. Since always my characters were non-heteronormative.

Thats really cool! I am always excited about writers including more representations! I cant say I read very diverse stuff when I was younger, but recently I almost exclusively seek out fiction with minority rep (queer, poc, disability...).

I am sorry to hear about your bad experiences with past relationships. Good for you for leaving them behind! I fully support not reaching out to people when you know it will be hurtful for yourself. I mean, that is why I cut out my ex from my life as well. I guess I'll just keep it that way. 

Thanks for sharing!

[Queasy_Attention]

Oh man, that's a hard one. I've felt the same impulse, honestly! I kind of want to tell my two exes that I found out I was aro, but I don't know if it's a good idea (in my case, anyway.) The first relationship ended years ago and we're not really on speaking terms, plus I don't really care what he thinks about me- so I don't feel a particular desire to start opening up to him about this private detail that only, like, 3 other people know about. The other one... we dated for a year, and I was really into them. But I've only now realized that I was feeling really intense platonic attraction. Our relationship felt really special because making friends has always been hard for me. We're also not on speaking terms, and they live halfway across the country, so... I have other, more important people with whom I want to share my identity. Those people are out of my life now, and I'm ok with that. I think I'm just gonna try to be true to myself from this point onward.

I also love romance in media! There's tons of other stuff I love reading about that I don't like in real life. I love the character trope of "asshole on the outside but heart of gold on the inside" with a dash of "only character flaw is that he hates himself", but those people are GODAWFUL irl. I like scifi but I would NEVER go to space. I love regency stuff but I'd never want to live in that time period. And I love me some well written romance, though I don't want a relationship for myself. It's all good!!

Anyway, welcome to the forum!! Hope to catch you around

[elmas]

Thanks for the welcome and sharing! Good to know you have felt the same impulse  But like you, I also have more important people to come out to...namely my parents. I am kinda avoiding thinking about that right now but with Christmas coming closer I will soon have to decide whether I want to use that chance to tell them in person. 

And you are right about not having to love what we love in fiction irl. Thanks for putting stuff into perspective  I also read across all genres and enjoy so much fiction that is not romance. I love learning about the world through books and the way it broadens my horizon.

I just really crave that escapism that I get from consuming (romantic) fiction. Maybe I like romance so much because it involves me a lot emotionally? I really want to be emotionally involved so that I can be completely sucked into that other world. I mean if I want strong emotions I could probably go for tragedy too but I think I am too emotionally vulnerable for that at the moment. Hmm, maybe I choose romance because I know its "safe" for me emotionally? It sucks me in just deep enough but its nothing that really concerns me irl. 

 

 

[Gemi]

Welcome!

As someone who has recently figured out their aro, but also reads romance fiction or watches it. Yeah, it feels weird , especially when you just realized you're an aromantic. It's also why I had some doubts being aro at first, even though the term instantly clicked with me. As I've seen, some have put it as, getting your romance fix or playing as a character. Also we watch or read of lot of things, because it's interesting or entertaining, doesn't mean we want it to happen to us. It's funny how we don't realize this, until someone else points it out.

I completely understand the struggle of explaining your aro and ace to others. It was difficult enough to tell and explain to my best friend. I knew she will accept me, though, I don't think she has completely understood, that I'm never gonna feel romantic attraction. I have yet to gain the courage to tell my parents. It's not a simple thing to explain sadly.  It may get a little easier, once the world becomes more aware. 

As for telling the ex. It's better off you don't tell them, unless they try to approach you for another chance. Even then, you don't really have to, a simple "I'm not interested", should be enough. The news, isn't gonna bring you two back together, it's not gonna change the fact they have to move on. 

[Momo]

On 12/2/2020 at 6:13 AM, elmas said:

imagecreatefromstring(): No JPEG support in this PHP build

Sorry for the late reply (I pay more attention to the Site Comments forum where issues like this are usually reported). This should be fixed now, but it's been a long standing issue. Please do let me know if you're still having issues with this.