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About cyancat

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    if i stare into the void will it stare back
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    programming student

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  1. alskdls really wish i could go back to not thinking i’m aro ngl things were a helluvah lot easier. i mean, sure, it wasn’t fun constantly searching for a crush that was never gonna happen, but now i’m in a far stickier situation and man do i just wanna go back and pretend i’m not aro haha what are you talking about—

  2. i definitely felt that same pride about the idea of being single for life. but i think a lot of that has to do with being constantly pressured into romantic relationships. as a child, my sibling and i were outright told that even though we may not be interested in relationships and children now, we would be and we should. and, of course, being a snotty nosed kid, i ended up leaning even more into the idea of being single as better mostly to get back at the adults that insisted it was the right thing to be in a relationship. now, i’d say i have a fairly neutral perspective of that sort of thing. marriage, cohabitation, etc., is a matter of practicality. it’s neither good or bad, just something that i may consider for practical reasons. people can absolutely be proud that they’re able to be single, just like they can be proud that they’re married or poly or etc., like rolo said, even if i feel pretty ambivalent myself anyway, i do see the perspective of the strong, independent single person as more of a reaction to the idea that they have to get married than anything else.
  3. i don’t have to worry about crushes anymore. or... make up elaborate reasons and stories about how i totally definitely have a crush on this one person. it’s... very freeing realizing that i’ll never have a crush on someone no matter how long i wait; i don’t have to wait anymore.
  4. to the people saying they would rather adopt, thank you. thank you so much. that means a lot to me. it’s really dumb alskdls, but i’m adopted so for me the idea that people would rather have biological children of their own hurts a lot. i’ve been on the end of my own mother having a bias for her biological grandchildren over her own child and it’s... alskdls, idk, adopted children don’t seem to be as valued as biological children even tho they’ll absolutely see their adopted parent as their family but the family may not necessarily... treat them the same back because they’re not biological anyway that’s all to say that found family is a favorite trope of minefor a reason alskdksl
  5. as someone who obsesses unwillingly over ships, that someone may ship real life people doesn’t bother me in itself since i think people tend to be ship personas. i don’t think it’s right to invasively push your shipping agenda onto real people, and it may feel a bit uncomfortable that people would put that out for the shipped persons involved to find, which is all fair, but i don’t think it’s right to judge a person just because they do have real life ships. anyway, that’s all to say i don’t actually ship real life people myself and i’d feel really weird if i did. that being said, i don’t think that’s happening any time soon because i’ve been obsessing over this one ship for a while now and i can’t get out. i sound really dramatic but quite frankly i’m honestly sick of these characters. like, i love them they’re lots of fun, but i want to move on to other ships (platonic & romantic) but i literally cannot. i always go back to my OTP and it kinda sucks alskdksla brain really said marry ur OTP and suffer in the fact that you wanna be is free uhh, in terms of shipping preferences, mine tend to be all romantic? when i think about things in terms of fantasy, i tend to choose romance and roses and all that jazz. that’s all ignoring the fact that my favorite parts of things tend to be the least explicitly romantic bits so. uh. but i’ve idealized romance to the point that i do actively choose it over queerplatonic even tho in terms of actual dynamics, i end up preferring the less romantic bits alskfksla.
  6. that i may sometimes identify as transmasc (genderfluid so it tends to fluctuate alskdls) generally doesn’t have anything to do with gender expression. for me, it’s more a matter of just, in essence, feeling male, but reluctant to say i’m male. not because it wouldn’t be accurate, just more out of self-consciousness that my gender expression isn't expressively “male.”
  7. wow ok so i relate really hard to all of this? the main thing that helped me was actually being confronted by the possibility/becomings of a romantic relationship and suddenly, violently realizing that the romantic feelings i thought i had were more akin to squishes or maybe alterous attraction? which, i would perhaps recommend looking into? it helped clarify a lot for me anyway.
  8. i tend to jive w the adrogynous aesthetic. used to think i had a sexual/romantic attraction to those types but eh? in terms of personality, i'm not sure if i actually have a type. literally anyone who i get along with, i'll probably be following like a sad puppy dog. not romantically alsdjf, but squish wise, yeah. i'm really excitable so just anyone who will let me be excitable w them i cling onto sob. bonus points if they're excitable w me. asjdlksdfkl,,,
  9. i'm a teen too. i only realized i was aro when a friend started having feelings for me and while i thought i returned those feelings (and in one way, i guess i do? idk its complicated but it doesn't feel like it's quite in a romantic sense - more like a general 'love and care' for a close friend) i've kinda realized that their feelings are... pretty different from mine. i'm not necessarily opposed to a romantic relationship with them since i'm quite touch-starved so i kinda want the physical contact that goes into it? but i also don't see it as necessarily a romantic relationship so much as a close... for lack of better words, friendship. honestly tho,,, realizing i'm aro has been more distressing for me than anything else. i try not to think about it too much, but i've fallen so hard in love with the idea of being in love i guess? i mean, i've mostly made my peace with the fact that i'll never experience romantic feelings. or, more accurately, when i think about my relationship with said close friend, i realize that i feel satisfied/happy/content with what i currently feel? but romance is so idealized that there's just a part of me that wants to wallow over the fact that i'll never experience it (or at least not to the extent as others do). on the upside, i no longer spiral in attempting to convince myself that i absolutely have a crush on 'x' because that was shit i used to do for... some reason? much to my own consternation, i always wanted to be in love with someone. never managed truly managed though, but man was i living in that denial for a long time
  10. Can't experience any intersectionality if at least one of those things you're too stuck in the closet to talk about/avoid like a wildfire IRL sweat. In all seriousness though, I'm from a place that definitely doesn't even know something like aromanticism exist. Everyone around me is also very white alsdjfl. There may be like a few Hispanic/Latino people but from where I live that just means the majority of them are conservative as well so... yeah, from what I can tell @ my college, the LGBTQ+ group there is mostly white people too.
  11. this sounds like a bit of the "i'm bi so it doesn't matter if you're trans or not" thing that i occasionally see, that i see a lot more people lambast aslkdf. regardless, i do think i'm understanding what the discussion was about more, and honestly... it's kind of complicated since people should be allowed to change their orientation as they please - orientations are not fixed and they are allowed to fluctuate and change with your understanding. and since n-b people are so varied, there are some people who have a binary alignment, and there are some who don't. for those who don't have a binary alignment,,, honestly, the current orientation system has no fucking clue what to do with them. its a very binary system, and so n-b people have often been defined by whatever the heck their alignment is in discussions of if 'x' sexuality would be attracted to them. the fact that not all n-b people cannot fit within the current systems of orientations we have (or at least for the most popular types of attraction) is a given, and i do think when you attempt to funnel them into the traditional binary orientations anyway [when they have no binary alignment], you are basically hand-waving the fact that they are n-b askdjfklsd,,, the way modern bisexuality/romanticism (is that the right term? -sexual/-sexuality :: -romantic/-romanticism, no clue) is defined today feels like a bit of a patch. me, having quite comfortably sat as 'pan' for the past century, i've definitely heard a lot about bi vs pan erasure which i am not getting into, but needless to say, one of the points is that being bi doesn't mean that you're attracted to "both genders" as its been described, but that you're attracted to at least two genders. and obviously, that exists to serve n-b people who aren't necessarily aligned with any of the binary genders. (since, a lot of sexualities n stuff have been updated/clarified/whatever to include n-b people of the same alignment.) [as an interlude, this is honestly so hecking funny to me, as an asexual person, that i have become so invested in the sexuality mcmamebbsdjfka horse race. that's not meant to imply anything, just a momentary lapse of amusement to me.] of course, you can immediately see the murky area with that and how it correlates to gay and straight people who might find themselves attracted to n-b people who aren't necessarily aligned? and... that's honestly not an area i can speculate about for obvious reasons, nor do i really feel comfortably implying anything since i... well, no experience, really, so it's not within my right to do so. i mean, if someone is aligned to a binary and you change your sexuality on that basis, then there's something problematic there, though i'd say that's more in the realm of 'definitional hijinks and misunderstandings' - altho, of course, that doesn't change that it can feel really invalidating, but regardless off topic thats a tangent, bisexuality is a bit of a patch to the n-b conundrum. and... it does work i guess? it can? but obviously there's something a bit... uncomfortable feeling with that being the way non-aligned n-b people are handled. like, what the heck do non-aligned people do. just sit on a throne looking pretty?? alksfdjkls,,, tho that would be very valid if they did and i would like a seat as well but aside from that, it does almost feel like being relegated to the 'other' (which may or may not be why i'm starting to have Issues with the widespread usage of n-b mmmm still contemplating that tho i'll get back if i ever come to a decision about how helpful the term n-b really is given how it seems to be consistently misunderstood to the detriment of people outside the binary). i mean, to be clear, i don't mean ill about attempts to make bi a more inclusive label, or of bi people, or the label itself. it's just that it really does feel like a patch rather than realizing that a system designed on the binary genders cannot in its nature be patched to be truly inclusive to n-b people, especially those with no binary alignment. all of that is to say, the issue is fundamentally the system that we have in place. of course, it's a lot easier to see the faults of a system when you experience its mmmdsfthatfeelzbadz than how to fix one. but i mean, i think a start is the way we see n-b people. if it is ever broken down, it's like by your alignment or some shit? asdjgklsd i have no way of aligning my 'mmmm i'm not any of this shit but idk what i am a fairy?' gender floating in my head that likes to dance around (especially whenever i don't feel within my own body, but i still... feel something connecting? doesn't make sense, i live my life trying to not understand it). but i... dunno if its really right to say that if someone has an instance where they are attracted to a n-b person w no binary alignment, they are actually allotropo/cetero/bisexual/what have you. since um... this is just me but part of the reason i chose to call myself pan was because i was lowkey intimated by the bi community. not like. it. just, the concept of it alsdkjf. so imagine there might be a sense of community and belonging that you're kinda uprooting and that's not really fair? i suppose the thing there is that you kinda just have to tune to the fact that sexual attraction can be a bit of a slider of sorts, and maybe there will be outliers, but that doesn't mean they were necessarily wrong about their orientation? or maybe they can decide to change it. i don't know. people will have their own preferences of doing things i guess. but then, literally all of that is also colored by the fact that i stared at the whole sexual/romantic orientation stuff and kinda noped the heck outta there. so i mean that's certainly gonna affect what i'm saying, but also i don't know if that would practically invalidate a lot of what i'm saying because if i'm speaking of my experience of things, i'm probably gonna feel othered either way, especially since for the longest hecking time i didn't feel i could be aro or ace, but i had no hecking clue what else to call myself. i've thought to death about this subject because i was a n-b person horribly and utterly lost in the system of attraction that we have, but i was horribly lost because i could not pin down any feelings like someone chasing after a ghost alsfjkds so, uh... i just wrote 1k of very pretty words so heck if i'm actually deleting all of that because i dunno if my voice means anything or not. mmjklfjklafljs. i'm just gonna call this as a,,, lowkey rant/vent thing of my frustrations with trying to figure this stuff out and a further attempt to figure things out when i don't even know where exactly to start. (p.s., none of this is even accounting for genderfluid people so ... ndklmcdkld;a;; rip me forgetting me, myself, and i exist u.u)
  12. just gonna pipe in and point out that n-b isn't a gender. it's an umbrella term. n-b just refers to people outside of the binary, which can mean anything. it's like having the entire rainbow at your disposal instead of two colors. it's basically checking off the 'other' box. the thing that defines you is being the 'other.' the only thing it says about you is that you are not listed above. it doesn't say anything else about you. if you want to use it as your catch-all "i'm attracted to all these people," sure, but just understand & keep in mind that n-b people are not just diverse in the sense "oh all people are unique," but diverse in the sense that "they're a ton of genders all summed up as n-b for the purposes of naming what's other".
  13. this is definitely something i can relate to. i generally don't care about my pronouns? except she/her. under no circumstances do i want to be called she/her. even when my gendered brain be like "she/her," stress-mc-stress-response won't allow it. that's not a dysphoria thing, that's just my brain having come to associate those pronouns with high stress. (and honestly @ this point i've thought of myself so heavily in terms of we, he, they pronouns that it's kinda weird to suddenly be called 'she' alksjdfl.) but regardless, i've dealt with the other issues of like,,, dysphoria... mhm... do i have it, do i have enough of it - i can't truly relate to the intense levels of self-hate some people have for their bodies, so maybe i don't experience dysphoria and while that doesn't necessarily mean i'm not trans, does that make me less valid? obviously no, but that's how medicalism will treat you. i don't even know if i necessarily experience anything as high as 'gender euphoria.' or maybe i do, it's just that i'll never reach a point where i can achieve said gender euphoria thanks to those weird gender-y thinger-y maheckeries going in my brain that are different from the standard gender binary. that being said, i wonder if maybe the way my dysphoria is expressed is through more of a general... apathetic neglect? because i absolutely neglect my body. i just... don't care about it. i think i kinda... idk, i usually go through life feeling some detachment from my body. it may also just be a response to my sister, who is the opposite - really obsessed about being clean - and i may have developed something against that because of her. of course, it could also stem from the fact that i can't stand things on my body thanks to sensory stuff alsjdfkl,,, well, regardless of the reason, i've never felt particularly in-tune with the "female" side of things. maybe i am faking being trans or something, but gender expression is a journey anyway. if i went back, i'd feel incredibly uncomfortable, so for now i'm sticking with where i am at. if, in the future, i realize that i'm not trans, that doesn't make the things i felt any less valid, just that my understanding or feelings have changed - y'know, like how most human beings operate alskdflj.
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