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The romantic counterpart of sex-related issues


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It is already common knowledge that sex comes with some issues in certain cases. Issues that vary from simply immoral actions to loathsome crimes. Rape, molestation, abuse, are as monstrous as one can imagine. Taking advantage of someone to fulfil your sexual needs is despicable. Not taking protection and contraception seriously is reckless. Getting intimate with someone before you're really ready from every point of view is definitely not recommendable.

 

But how many people are aware of the fact that romance presents several related issues as well? Not too many, it seems. Seems like no one is talking about that. But such issues do exist, and following the "sexual pattern", I am going to present them:

 

Being controlling, possessive, stalking, is abusive. Threatening and violence are needless to menation as it is obvious what they mean. There are situations where people use someone to fulfil their own "romantic needs", too. What about the scenarios where X asks Y out and Y refuses but says they'd really cherish a friendship, but then X doesn't want to hear and no longer talks to Y at all? Taking major steps in a relationship which is based SOLELY on romantic attraction (such as moving in together when you're way too young to live on your own) is something that usually nothing good will come out of, right? 

 

A simple analogy reveals that the counterpart is as real as it comes. But why is it so ignored? 

 

 

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15 hours ago, Ice Queen said:

Being controlling, possessive, stalking, is abusive. Threatening and violence are needless to menation as it is obvious what they mean. There are situations where people use someone to fulfil their own "romantic needs", too. What about the scenarios where X asks Y out and Y refuses but says they'd really cherish a friendship, but then X doesn't want to hear and no longer talks to Y at all? Taking major steps in a relationship which is based SOLELY on romantic attraction (such as moving in together when you're way too young to live on your own) is something that usually nothing good will come out of, right? 

These are legit terrifying.. #50reasonsI'mgladtobeAro

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On 16/05/2017 at 10:22 PM, Ice Queen said:

Being controlling, possessive, stalking, is abusive.

One difficulty is that controlling and possessive behaviour appears to be a part of romance. At least for a substantial proportion of alloromantics.

 

On 16/05/2017 at 10:22 PM, Ice Queen said:

Taking major steps in a relationship which is based SOLELY on romantic attraction (such as moving in together when you're way too young to live on your own) is something that usually nothing good will come out of, right?

There's also that these "major steps" can be so much of a cliche that it is possible to construct a 'script' describing them. Which, to me, has always seemed somewhat dehumanising. Or the question of why a romantic relationship should also be sexual, co-habiting, financially entwined, etc. If anything romantic relationships are more strict and less diverse than sexual relationships. 

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Well, romantic love is a kind of love so it's understandable to a certain degree that people cut more slack about the bad things that surround it.

 

On the other hand the best that can come from an emotionless sex-delivery deal is mutual enjoyment. So sex lacks any of the more noble elements of romantic love, when romantic love is at its best.

 

What I find perplexing that usually the dark side of romantic love isn't even acknowledged, it is seen as always pure and innocent. In reality it is often very volatile and solipsistic and comes with loads of bad stuff (which are often rationalized as “not being an expression of true love”). This denial is typical for our culture.

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Interesting topic. I'm always up for comparing societal views on romance and sex. The first thing I thought about when starting reading your post @Ice Queen was using someones romantic love for ones own gain. Like pretending to be in love with someone to get money or other favors from them. And that doesn't have a clear equivalent in sex.

As for why people don't condemn stalking etc I think it's tied into this idea that the stronger emotion someone has for you the better. The one who cares the most about someone is the one who's consumed by thoughts of them every single moment and does everything in their life for them. There's no such thing as too much when it comes to caring it seems.
In some way there are similar hang ups to sex actually. There's no such thing as someone wanting someone else too much.

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1 hour ago, chairjockey said:

I hate to open this can of worms, but gynocentrism has something to do with it, because high interest in romance combined with low interest in sex is demonstrably more prevalent among women.

*aromantic demisexual woman to prove it's not always the case*

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17 hours ago, Ice Queen said:

*aromantic demisexual woman to prove it's not always the case*

 

Oh, of course it's not universal. And moralism about gratifying the romantic needs of romantic people might not be as prevalent today as it was when I was a kid.

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  • 4 months later...

i see that stuff all the time, emotionally abusive behaviour in romantic relationships.  not letting your partner be friends with, talk to, or even look at other people of your gender.  monopolizing their time and energy.  having complete authority over what should be mutual decisions.  starting a fight and trying to pin the responsibility on your partner, making them apologize.  and then when you combine that with sex, like using it to get what you want from your partner romantically (or vice versa), to make up, etc., frankly, i find it all horrifying.  and from what i've seen, in hetero relationships, the woman is usually the culprit.  the fact that a fair number of allos consider it perfectly normal, even cute: i have no words.  remember, the vast majority of abuse, rape, and murder victims are those of their partner or ex.

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On 29/05/2017 at 2:54 AM, Holmbo said:

As for why people don't condemn stalking etc I think it's tied into this idea that the stronger emotion someone has for you the better.

Another way I have seen it happen is that idea of romance and love are protected by assessing stalking behaviours as 'obsession' or 'possession' being mistaken for romantic love. As if stalking behaviours are alien behaviours and would 'taint' the concept of romantic love if the issues were addressed as romantic issues. Just because behaviours are unhealthy or destructive does not automatically exclude them from being romantic, but that seems to be what many alloromantics try to do.

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