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Aromantic & child-free - NOT inherently interconnected


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All people I've come out to seem to have thought at some point it is because I'm aromantic that I don't want children. Well, this is not true. 

 

I don't want children of my own ever (neither now, nor soon, nor in 20 years' time, nor afterwards) because I simply feel I'm not cut out for this. I don't want to sacrifice my health, my freedom, and I don't want to put myself on hold for a being that will depend on me 100%. I am personally just not cut out for this. As a woman, it is too hard and to much for me. There are also alloromantics who don't want children, such as my uncle on my father's side who's been with this woman for 12 or 13 years. 

 

Aromanticism/alloromanticism is an innate orientation, while whether you're having children or not is a choice. Therefore, any "combination" is possible. 

 

Having a baby is a true blessing only for those who truly wish this. Otherwise it is a roadblock. People are different. Also, the most important thing: whether we talk about a romantic or (queer)platonic relationship, and provided both partners are on the same page regarding children of course, a child is not the result/proof of their love because parenting or lack thereof doesn't make the bond between the two any more or less valid. 

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i'm aro because i am. i don't want biological kids because i have temper problems (wouldnt be able to deal with a baby) and wouldn't be able to conceive the way i want to (i'm trans). If, in the future, i end up in a job were i can support a kid or two, i'll foster or adopt a older child or teen.

 

They're separate things. I'm aro, I just am, but I'm indifferent to having kids because of my personality and experiences.

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I'm an aromantic mom. I didn't actually discover I was aro until after I had my kid, and my love for him changed how I saw everything, and learned a hell of a lot about myself.

 

The default, honestly, should be "no kids" unless you're absolutely sure. Because it is all in or all out. I love my kid utterly and entirely, having a kid was my choice, and no one is obligated to make more people - we really have plenty. 

 

So yeah, that's me. Raising kids has not much to do with orientation. I've often wished there could be some communal situation where friends can raise kids as a village. 

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3 hours ago, LunarSeas said:The default, honestly, should be "no kids" unless you're absolutely sure. Because it is all in or all out. I love my kid utterly and entirely, having a kid was my choice, and no one is obligated to make more people - we really have plenty. 

 

Yes, when it comes to a child, there is no "middle ground". Either you have it or you don't. This is why when two people decide to pursue a relationship (whether romantic or not), children must be the first discussion. Because if one can't imagine life without kids, while the other doesn't want them under any circumstances, then, if they only bring this up when they've been in a relationship for a long time, they will both suffer. But if they know this from the start, they give up on the idea of relationship so that neither of them will suffer later or be a roadblock to the other's happiness, fulfilment or freedom. 

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On 2017-05-09 at 5:51 AM, LunarSeas said:

So yeah, that's me. Raising kids has not much to do with orientation. I've often wished there could be some communal situation where friends can raise kids as a village. 

 

I would love that. I really like kids, I love being around them and think I would love every aspect of child rearing really. I don't want to take on the life long commitment of being a parent though. If you have a kid you're a parent for life, it's just not until the kid is grown up. Also taking care of a child takes a lot of time, especially since I'd be a single mom. I have so many other things I'd like to do too in my life.

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On 5/9/2017 at 5:51 AM, LunarSeas said:

The default, honestly, should be "no kids" unless you're absolutely sure. Because it is all in or all out. I love my kid utterly and entirely, having a kid was my choice, and no one is obligated to make more people - we really have plenty. 

So what are you saying... you're not ice-cold and emotionless? :)

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On 09 May 2017 at 5:51 AM, LunarSeas said:

The default, honestly, should be "no kids" unless you're absolutely sure. Because it is all in or all out.

Yup, we have more than enough parents on the planet doing a bad job of parenting already. :P  Being pressured into having kids definitely doesn't help.

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  • 5 weeks later...

I find it really disturbing how many people do it for just because type reasons, rather than stepping back to consider whether they really want them. A common (misguided) assumption seems to be straight people want them more than LGBT, but most of my straight friends don't want kids either.

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9 hours ago, Untamed Heart said:

I find it really disturbing how many people do it for just because type reasons, rather than stepping back to consider whether they really want them. A common (misguided) assumption seems to be straight people want them more than LGBT, but most of my straight friends don't want kids either.

Interestingly it seems to be a modern generation phenomenon that large proportions of young adults have no intention of having kids in their future. It's been attributed to a number of things including selfishness (though I would call it self-less, leaving jobs and recourses for other peoples children- plus not attempting to spawn all over the place), and also a product of our modern society where overpopulation and shortage of planetary resources mean that future generations may struggle to thrive.

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On 5/15/2017 at 9:21 AM, SamwiseLovesLife said:

Adoption is an awesome and selfless path to take :)

I have considered adoption, but I'm not sure if I want to go that route. For several reasons.

 

Firstly, my parents did an older adoption (of my two teenage cousins, when I was a baby) and it turned out horribly. Which makes me really cautious about the idea of adopting an older child. I haven't ruled it out someday, but I want to be a very experienced parent, and I want the older adoptee to be the youngest child in my family. Since I would probably like more than one child, I won't be going for older adoption first. And infants are in high demand already, so I'm not sure it's that helpful for me to add to the list. (Although I might want to adopt a non-white baby, who are less in demand than white kids.)       

 

Secondly, I really want an autistic kid, because I'm autistic. Short of adopting an older diagnosed kid, my best option is to have a kid with a high genetic predisposition to autism. The best way for me to do that is to use my own genes, along with an autistic AMAB person's, to conceive my child.

 

Thirdly, I've realized that I really want to be pregnant and breastfeed. Which means either embryo adoption (pricey, and they don't tend to have autistic kids) or having a biological child.  

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9 hours ago, SamwiseLovesLife said:

Interestingly it seems to be a modern generation phenomenon that large proportions of young adults have no intention of having kids in their future. It's been attributed to a number of things including selfishness (though I would call it self-less, leaving jobs and recourses for other peoples children- plus not attempting to spawn all over the place), and also a product of our modern society where overpopulation and shortage of planetary resources mean that future generations may struggle to thrive.

I agree it's more self-less than selfish. It's not like, say, there's a bunch of souls floating around us, getting really angry and upset that we unfairly refuse to allow some of them to inhabit a human vessel via pregnancy/birth! 

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • 3 months later...

i absolutely don't want kids for many reasons.

-pregnancy and labour sound unbearable

-even if i had the time, energy, and money required to raise a child, i wouldn't want to spend them that way

-it would get in the way of pretty much everything i do want to do with my life

-i generally don't like kids

-the only positive thing i can imagine is sharing companionship and love with your child, which i can do with someone who's my own age and isn't causing me all this negativity, you know, like friends

none of this has any relation to my aromanticism.  and due to all of it, i think i'd make a pretty poor parent.  i've been babysitting for 6 years and seem to be considered good at it by kids and parents alike.  of course the only thing which gets in the way is my not exactly liking kids, but most of them aren't so bad, i just wouldn't want to spend more than a few hours at a time with them.  and based on how frequently i get hired and hear their parents chastise and complain about them, neither do they.  as some of you were saying, maybe they should have given some more thought to their decision to have kids.  what, did they think their child(ren) would be perfect?  didn't anticipate much effort in raising them for 18 years?  only 3 years in and at the end of their ropes.  yikes.  to my mom's credit, she had no complaints about pregnancy and labour (2.5 hours, no drugs, i was 7 days early, only child, she was 38, also only child), nor any about the whole rest of it.  apparently i was very well-behaved, sweet, and smart, and she absolutely loved spending time with me, she'd wanted a child (especially a daughter) for quite a while, and it was as wonderful as she'd imagined, etc.  my dad, too.  they'd been married 7 years and were well emotionally and financially prepared.  good example of fit parents right there.

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