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I'm not afraid of being alone per se, but I'm wondering how I'm going to survive on my own in the future, especially as I only work part time and have no real idea how to get a better job, especially where I live. I'm too stubborn to move, too. I have no real skills aside from art I guess, and my ideal kind of job (aka fantasy) would involve working by myself or with minimal contact with other humans. I know I could always try and persuade someone to live with me and split rent/even a mortgage (again, I'm probably living in a fantasy thinking the latter would be possible), but I have no intention of deliberately finding a partner with a better job than I have, for such purposes. At best it would feel disingenuous. 

Reading about mortgages is kind of scaring the shit out of me, but that's kind of the route I want to take at the moment.

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On 10/06/2017 at 11:10 PM, Untamed Heart said:

Reading about mortgages is kind of scaring the shit out of me, but that's kind of the route I want to take at the moment.

I plan to rent forever, much more freedom

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For me, being autistic and aro, I'm terrified of how I'm going to survive when my parents die. At least I have a brother to support me, but he's got his own struggles, so who knows? If I wasn't aro, I'd be looking for a partner who can help me out, but being aro makes that a lot more complicated.     

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On 6/10/2017 at 9:34 PM, NullVector said:

Of course, I don't see this movie as some great work of art, or the definitive exploration of male virginity, or anything like that xD 

I guess my tolerance for movies which induce second-hand embarrassment just has dropped a lot.

On 6/10/2017 at 9:34 PM, NullVector said:

But part of it I could sort of relate to (and which also accounts, to a large extent, for his loneliness at the start of movie?) is how he has built his virgin status up inside his head as this massive issue, this "dark secret", that nobody can possibly find out about or his life will be over.

I would have liked it so much better if his friends had found out that he is a virgin in a realistic way.

 

“Yeah, they were nice. You know, when you, like, you grab a woman's breast and it's ... And you feel it and ... It feels like a bag of sand when you're touching it.”

 

come on...  ;-)

On 6/10/2017 at 9:34 PM, NullVector said:

Well, when there are a lot of social cues suggesting something might be a major issue, it's easy to pick up the idea that it might be a major issue, even if it isn't really a major issue (long-story-short: I now don't think it's a major issue, lol).

The problem is of course that being a virgin at a certain age will rise serious suspicions in your prospective partners. That's not going away, even if you're relaxed about it yourself.

 

 

 

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22 minutes ago, DeltaV said:

The problem is of course that being a virgin at a certain age will rise serious suspicions in your prospective partners

Suspicions?

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On 6/29/2017 at 10:52 PM, NullVector said:

Suspicions?

Is this skepticism or a request for clarification?

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4 hours ago, DeltaV said:

 

On 2017-6-29 at 9:52 PM, NullVector said:

Suspicions?

Is this skepticism or a request for clarification?

 

 

Right, yeah, I should've used more words :D. I was after some clarification about what sort of 'serious suspicions' you had in mind when you wrote that.

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I don't have anything in mind. I just observe that others do, but they're scarce with details. Some woman said that a valid excuse to be a virgin after a certain age was serving time in prison. Maybe I find this text again.

 

That there's a thing which serving time in prison can excuse baffles my mind. Usually people go at great length to hide the fact that they spent time in prison.

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5 hours ago, DeltaV said:

Some woman said that a valid excuse to be a virgin after a certain age was serving time in prison

 

This makes "sense" to me, actually. That is, if the base working assumption here is: if you've had opportunities to have sex, but haven't acted on them, or haven't been able to act on them (often assumed to be the same thing?), then there must be something seriously "off" about you. Prison time guy is excused, in this sense, because prison = no opportunities for interaction with the opposite sex. It probably wouldn't even enter most people's heads that aromanticism (i.e. romance being a major obstacle to sex rather than an enabler of it) could serve as a "valid excuse" here (who doesn't want to pursue romantic relationships?) People might even see lack of intrinsic desire to pursue romantic relationships as something "seriously off" in and of itself, regardless of whether that person was also a virgin?

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Yes, it makes sense to me ... in this extremely weird logic. But if somebody has, for example, served six years in prison, doesn't this deserve a bit more scrutiny than <my vague, unspecified suspicion that something is seriously off to be still a virgin after n years>?

 

I suspect that lack of interest in the romance-sex-department combined with some social inhibition is a pretty common explanation (there is also study that shows that “convinced singles” lost their virginity at a later age, so the aro + “lose virginity late” correlation is not just speculation). But of course often it may just be pure debilitating social anxiety, of course.

 

If I read texts from people complaining about their virginity, I always look closely if lack of intrinsic motivation shines through. The more abstract their complaints are, the less they've made serious attempts, the more well-adjusted they are in other areas, there more I suspect it, like here.

 

I would primarily assume that those people may suck for relationship or sex in the sense of “booooring”, “unfulfilling”, “very frustrating”, “sub par” etc. but not in the sense of “violent”, “dangerous” etc. like somebody who served six years in prison for armed robbery.

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1 hour ago, DeltaV said:

But if somebody has, for example, served six years in prison, doesn't this deserve a bit more scrutiny than <my vague, unspecified suspicion that something is seriously off to be still a virgin after n years>?

 

Sure, I agree. I was just acknowleging (by putting "sense" in quotes) that there is a certain amount of internal consistency to their nonsense :P

 

1 hour ago, DeltaV said:

If I read texts from people complaining about their virginity, I always look closely if lack of intrinsic motivation shines through. The more abstract their complaints are, the less they've made serious attempts, the more well-adjusted they are in other areas, there more I suspect it, like here.

 

Yeah, sounds right. I could've written something pretty similar to the article you linked. I can empathise with the not feeling like a 'proper adult' aspects of late virginity. Plus it would be a nice self-esteem boost to get that explicit confirmation that at least somebody out there had desired you in 'that way'. But, have I actually seriously tried to do something about it? Not really. The blogger mentions a grand total of 3 'dates' and I'm on even fewer than that, lol. Always found other things to prioritise: first academic work, now career. Relationships were something I'd deal with later, after that other stuff was sorted out. That's not 'normal' prioritisation!  'Lack of intrinsic motivation' seems to about cover it -_-

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On 7/4/2017 at 0:56 AM, NullVector said:

Yeah, sounds right. I could've written something pretty similar to the article you linked. I can empathise with the not feeling like a 'proper adult' aspects of late virginity.

I still feel that way because sex, unlike for most adults, is an “extraordinary” event for me.

Like with driving, I don't own a car and use car sharing one from time to time and it's still like “Whoo! How exciting!” :$:$:$ -– okay that was another weird analogy.

On 7/4/2017 at 0:56 AM, NullVector said:

Plus it would be a nice self-esteem boost to get that explicit confirmation that at least somebody out there had desired you in 'that way'.

Doesn't bother me much, because simple sexual attraction from women to men is regarded as a very rare event anyway. And I don't mind lack of romantic attraction directed at me, obviously.

It's more this other hostile meme that you just have to “manage” to lose your virginity as a normal person, that affected me.

On 7/4/2017 at 0:56 AM, NullVector said:

But, have I actually seriously tried to do something about it? Not really. The blogger mentions a grand total of 3 'dates' and I'm on even fewer than that, lol. Always found other things to prioritise: first academic work, now career. Relationships were something I'd deal with later, after that other stuff was sorted out. That's not 'normal' prioritisation!  'Lack of intrinsic motivation' seems to about cover it -_-

I also was very much tempted to “procrastinate” the whole issue.

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On 06/07/2017 at 11:37 PM, DeltaV said:

It's more this other hostile meme that you just have to “manage” to lose your virginity as a normal person, that affected me.

 

Ugh. Yeah, that. I hate that that's a thing. Seems to lead to young guys putting a ton of pressure on themselves to 'lose it' - and subsequetly passing a lot of that pressure on to girls to sleep with them (and to weirdos like me percieving that pressure, but resenting the social coercion so much that we 'veto' the whole situation - also not great). 

 

On 06/07/2017 at 11:37 PM, DeltaV said:

I also was very much tempted to “procrastinate” the whole issue.

 

Trouble is, like with procrastination in general, the longer you delay starting the 'work', the more work there might be to 'catch up' on! Having said that, I still haven't reach a tipping point where I care enough to actually start the 'work'! Maybe tomorrow xD.

 

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I guess I fear a little bit about all my friends leaving me for romantic partners... But then again, it seems like that won't be an issue for many years since I'm so young. And I'm pretty hopeful that I'll find good friends who'll stick around ^^. Maybe even some of my current friends will stay with me, who knows 9_9

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On 04/06/2016 at 0:02 AM, AroArtisan said:

That said, I don't worry about being alone, I worry about paying my bills and keeping my house.  I'm in retail which pays absolutely nothing, I'm in retail because of an awful childhood/yound adulthood, and I have no direction because I simply hate people and hate everything.  I have no friends, and they don't really help with this anyway.  I'm terrified of being homeless but the thought of living with someone else out of necessity when my mother passes away terrifies me to the core.

The ""being alone"" I can easily handle, it's making enough money to live that I'm not sure about.

 

On 11/06/2017 at 7:40 AM, Untamed Heart said:

I'm not afraid of being alone per se, but I'm wondering how I'm going to survive on my own in the future, especially as I only work part time and have no real idea how to get a better job, especially where I live. I'm too stubborn to move, too. I have no real skills aside from art I guess, and my ideal kind of job (aka fantasy) would involve working by myself or with minimal contact with other humans. I know I could always try and persuade someone to live with me and split rent/even a mortgage (again, I'm probably living in a fantasy thinking the latter would be possible), but I have no intention of deliberately finding a partner with a better job than I have, for such purposes. At best it would feel disingenuous. 

Reading about mortgages is kind of scaring the shit out of me, but that's kind of the route I want to take at the moment.

 

I am glad I'm not the only one. I thought I was very mercenary as my only fear is never owning my own house. Renting is ridiculously unstable and I hate change, plus I have heaps of stuff which makes moving VERY painful. My dream would to be building my dream house, but all I see are the piles of money needed for that and I have never seen a single person build a house and not be buried under a pile of debt. The housing market is so depressing anyway.......I need to win the lottery, either finding a sugar daddy happy with me or winning the actual lotto. 

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I agree. I've seen some of my colleagues moving from flat to flat and complaining about high rent (we all work in a nursing home) and just think... I couldn't keep moving and I'd probably always be suspicious the landlord was fleecing me somehow. I need to live somewhere knowing it's at least semi-permanent and where I don't have to deal with a landlord. Some of them are genuinely nice but if I get someone shitty, or who suddenly turns on me (as happened to one of my friends), there's no way I'd be able to deal with that.

I suppose that's another fear - Having To Deal With People TM. For everything else, there's Google!

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On 02/07/2017 at 5:53 PM, DeltaV said:

I don't have anything in mind. I just observe that others do, but they're scarce with details. Some woman said that a valid excuse to be a virgin after a certain age was serving time in prison. Maybe I find this text again

Wow. So who is this person and why do you have their number? They sound like an imbossil..

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6 hours ago, Untamed Heart said:

I agree. I've seen some of my colleagues moving from flat to flat and complaining about high rent (we all work in a nursing home) and just think... I couldn't keep moving and I'd probably always be suspicious the landlord was fleecing me somehow. I need to live somewhere knowing it's at least semi-permanent and where I don't have to deal with a landlord. Some of them are genuinely nice but if I get someone shitty, or who suddenly turns on me (as happened to one of my friends), there's no way I'd be able to deal with that.

I suppose that's another fear - Having To Deal With People TM. For everything else, there's Google!

It depends a bit where you end up. I managed to rent the same place for 6 years.

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"Your best friend isn't the one who you've known the longest, but the one who said "I'm here for you" and proved it."

So I have three best friends at the moment, Chanel, Justine, and Nik. All three of them helped me in times when I really needed someone.

I'm extremely scared of straight guys that get crushes on me. Unfortunately, Nik confessed he had a crush on me a few months ago. Then, he said he "got over me", and just yesterday, texted me that that was a lie. Clearly, he has no idea what to do with his feelings, so I straight up texted him that I'm most probably aromantic. Honestly, he had the best reaction I could ever hope for.

 

Nik: Yeah, remember when I woke you up at 4AM to tell you I didn't like you anymore? That was lie. I had to say it sooner or later, so

Me: Well I figured

Me: I mean, ok, uhm well I'm probably aromantic so

Nik: so

Me: do you even know what aromantic is?

Nik: well I had to look it up, but even coming from you, it's still kinda surprising

Me: how is it surprising?

Nik: Eh, i don't even know. it totally matches you though

Me: Well I'm winning this game of mario kart

Nik: you mean you finally got gud?

Me: damn right, Nik

 

Thankfully, Nik is an awesome guy and he's still my friend. Unlike most dudes out there, he sees no point in ending our friendship simply because I don't like him back. However, he'll surely find some other girl -or boy, if he finds out he's gay/bi/pan- and I really fear the day where Nik and Chanel will leave me. Luckily, Justine seems aromantic as well, but hasn't discovered that yet (hehe).

Chanel is constantly babbling about how she loves everyone in her class, they're all so cute, but some of em are dicks, and she doesn't want to fall for a dick, and yada yada yada. And I simply can't help but tell her not to fall for anyone. But she keeps going on about her dozens of crushes, and so on. She's my best friend, and it seems she'll always choose romance over friendship.

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1 hour ago, Chloé said:

Clearly, he has no idea what to do with his feelings

Yep, sounds like a teenage boy to me :D

I used to be one of them, so let me try to help out here! Unless things have changed a lot since I was one, teenage boys:

  1. Have all these new hormones that are making them totally crazy (I'm sure this applies to girls as well, hehe, but it generally manifests itself in a different way...)
  2. Have LOTS of social pressure to get girlfriends, so that they won't be "losers" anymore (pressure that they put on one another and on themselves)
  3. Must NEVER EVER talk about their feelings (and ESPECIALLY not to other teenage boys!)

So,  just bear these things in mind. Don't get me wrong: I'm not saying you should let him take liberties with you because of them. Be a nice supportive friend, but stay firm about your boundaries, is what I'd suggest. I don't think you need my suggestions though, you seem to be doing a great job there already :) 

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On 8/25/2017 at 4:45 PM, NullVector said:

Yep, sounds like a teenage boy to me :D

I used to be one of them, so let me try to help out here! Unless things have changed a lot since I was one, teenage boys:

  1. Have all these new hormones that are making them totally crazy (I'm sure this applies to girls as well, hehe, but it generally manifests itself in a different way...)
  2. Have LOTS of social pressure to get girlfriends, so that they won't be "losers" anymore (pressure that they put on one another and on themselves)
  3. Must NEVER EVER talk about their feelings (and ESPECIALLY not to other teenage boys!)

So,  just bear these things in mind. Don't get me wrong: I'm not saying you should let him take liberties with you because of them. Be a nice supportive friend, but stay firm about your boundaries, is what I'd suggest. I don't think you need my suggestions though, you seem to be doing a great job there already :) 

I don't think much has changed since you were a teen xD 

And yes, that's what I've been trying to do; nice to Nik, but nice to myself as well. He seems to be pressured by most of the other guys at school to like someone, so I'm pretty sure it's just a high school crush and that he'll move on and be fine. I just don't want all my friends to leave meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee :'( 

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Omg I feel the exact same way

I just feel like everyone is going to leave me for their romantic partners and I'm going to be left alone in my future house with my 7 cats, which I mean, yes I want lots of cats but still. 

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