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Avoidant Attachment vs. Aromantic?


Mickexyy

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As I was researching to understand my romantic orientation better, I found my feelings matching up with being aromantic, however before I found out it existed I was looking into if I had avoidant attachment. I just want to hear other people’s opinions, i don’t know if there’s truly a absolute right or wrong answer. Avoidant attachment and being aromantic are by definition different things but do they have some overlap? After thinking,  another idea I had was if someone can have an avoidant attachment style because they are aromantic. They both seem to have similar characteristics, while also having differences however I can’t really wrap my head around the distinction.  What do other attachments styles look for people that identify as aromantic? Also, i’m taking into consideration there’s a spectrum.

Edited by Mickexyy
Auto-corrected aromantic to aromatic
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  • Mickexyy changed the title to Avoidant Attachment vs. Aromantic?

I suppose I'd class myself as having a secure attachment style these days. I used to be avoidant - fearful, but I've changed a lot over the past decade or so. I don't think it is in anyway related to my being aromantic, other than that I am assessing this based on my close friendships rather than romantic relationships. Romance isn't the only type of attachment after all.

Edited by Rolo
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I think I am both, and they are simultaneously separate things and related things. The distinction between the two is that aromanticism is about lack of romantic attraction, and avoidant people might, say, have a crush on someone but choose not act on it, while an aro person would experience few/no crushes. So I think that's how you distinguish between the two. But it's likely that being aro reinforces avoidant tendencies, and would certainly add to existing confusion about what we're capable of doing or feeling. 

I'll be sure to give you all the answers after I've solved all my problems in therapy lol

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It depends from person to person. While it can overlap for some people, they are different. One is a behavioral response toward something, be it a person or a situation. Being aromantic is not a behavioral response, it is that we are as being and we can't change it anymore than we can't choose to have an extra limb. 

You can have an avoidant attachment because of fear of what comes next, and yes being aromantic can influence that, but it doesn't mean that it will always be the case.

A case scenario would be to have an avoidant attachment because you fear that it will develop to a relationship and you don't want it to happen so your behavior is to distance yourself from the situation/person in hopes it doesn't happen. It is a simple example and it is more complex but yh, hope it helps you.

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Ahh yes, I think I had a lot of ideas in my head but the way you put this makes a lot of sense. It’s an obvious difference really but it’s hard to look at things outside of your own perspective since personally my reason for avoidant attachment is mostly influenced by me being aromantic. That definitely made it more confusing but now the difference is really clear. A square is a rectangle but a rectangle isn’t a square kind of thing. 

On 2/27/2021 at 1:45 AM, such said:

The distinction between the two is that aromanticism is about lack of romantic attraction, and avoidant people might, say, have a crush on someone but choose not act on it, while an aro person would experience few/no crushes.

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for most people (but not all), their attachment style shows up in almost all of their relationships, both romantic and platonic. if you have avoidant tendencies in friendships too, it's more likely. maybe that can help?

the other thing tho is that a lot of people, both aro and alloromantic, can feel repulsed or uncomfortable with unwanted romantic attention. If ur not attracted to someone, entering a romantic relationship with them is probably not going to feel good. the main indicator of avoidant attachment is when you retreat from people you are attracted to. 

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  • 2 months later...

If think I see it as this, while I do have avoidant tendencies I just don't want romance to begin with. It isn't that im avoiding it, it's not for me. 

As mentioned here attachment theory does assume what is normal and what should be. As do a lot of relationshio advice online, i'm always like.. but I don't want that. 

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  • 2 years later...

Hi, it looks like this platform is two years old but just wanted to contribute to this conversation and see if there any like-minded people. So yeah, I’ve been wondering this about myself too. Just recently I was with someone who really liked me and I may or may not have liked them. We started dating but a week or two into the relationship, I started feeling uncomfortable and nauseous whenever I had to talk/see him. I know it definitely was not butterflies cause I felt that in the beginning when we just started talking. But this feeling was so unbearable, I was debating if I should go see a therapist, thinking there was something wrong with me. But then I started looking into it, and realized that I may have avoidant attachment or be aromatic (Lithoromantic), maybe both…Avoidant attachment because I tend to back away when things get to personable, where people try to invade my private life. I am highly independent and like to be self-reliant (though I believe it’s because whenever I gave out my trust or tried depending on someone outside my family, I am always let down). Aromantic because I usually get crushes but never have I wanted them to be reciprocated. I always let crushes die because I don’t feel the need for a romantic relationship because I feel fulfilled already by my platonic relationships with friends and family. I started seeing him as needy, clingy, and anxiously attached (which they were) but that is also one of the traits for aromanticism. Anyway, I ended up breaking things off with this person because I couldn’t handle something more stressful when I was just starting out my new job. Overall, what I wanted to say through this whole rant is that, you should explore what you feel because there definitely is a spectrum since we are all individuals with different mindsets. I hope life is working out for you all~ 

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  • 2 weeks later...

When I first started questioning why I didn't want romantic relationships, but felt so emotionally and strongly towards people, I oftentimes thought it was because I was scared of committing into a romantic relationship with someone who clearly liked me back, and that I was just an insecure person who needed to simply "meet-the-right-one," even when the people I liked were really nice and amazing people already.

I often asked myself why I labeled my supposed "butterflies" as anxiety than the standard "butterflies in my stomach," when a friend of mine would tell me that it had to be those gushy, giddy feelings towards my "crush," and not the dread I felt at any romantic prospect. I often wondered why I didn't just label my intense emotions as romantic, and even though I would label the people I liked as "crushes," I didn't see nor link any romantic connotation towards calling them that. It was just what I called them. I saw the word "crush" as just a word and nothing more.

When I finally realized that I was aromantic and what I thought was romantic attraction was actually alterous attraction, I could finally put a label on why I avoided those types of relationships. I didn't see any worth in putting energy into a relationship of that kind, at all. Hell, even my platonic relationships I'm very loosey goosey and often forget to keep up with; and it's not that I find myself as aplatonic(spec) necessarily, it just literally slips my mind. I don't even have constant communications with extended relatives and other family members than my immediate family, even if I say that some relatives I deeply care for.

I've always been a somewhat avoidant person, even when I don't know it. And although some people (allo or aro) form these styles of attachment because of childhood trauma, or young adult trauma even, and I won't say that I haven't been through some things traumatic at a young age, I feel as though I don't have this attachment style because of that. I always crave attachments, I do like making new friends, even when I feel like they won't last for very long. I love catching up with relatives and maintaining something with them, even if we'll go back to not talking as much. I think my avoidant style of some intense relationships (romantic or queerplatonic) where there's intimacy and commitment, I think attributes to me being a very non-amorous/non-partnering aro. I do love me some intense platonic relationships, as in there are a few friends of mine where we know each other on very deep levels and may do things traditionally romantic with each other just for the fun of it, but actual partnerships and becoming a partner for someone, I just can't do. I instinctually avoid it, like how I did when I was a kid and a pre-teen.

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  • 1 month later...

I like the cute sensations of having a crush for someone. I definitely  have that feeling. When it comes to actually go meet that person, start something, it definitely give me stress and I don’t have a great will to do. if i wanted badly enough i wouldn’t keep being single. When psychologists talk about Avoidant Detachment they say that avoidant people crave intimacy but they are just so fearful of that. What is called when you don’t crave that kind of connection but you just enjoy the feeling of a crush?  

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