Avoidant Attachment vs. Aromantic?

[Mickexyy]

As I was researching to understand my romantic orientation better, I found my feelings matching up with being aromantic, however before I found out it existed I was looking into if I had avoidant attachment. I just want to hear other people’s opinions, i don’t know if there’s truly a absolute right or wrong answer. Avoidant attachment and being aromantic are by definition different things but do they have some overlap? After thinking,  another idea I had was if someone can have an avoidant attachment style because they are aromantic. They both seem to have similar characteristics, while also having differences however I can’t really wrap my head around the distinction.  What do other attachments styles look for people that identify as aromantic? Also, i’m taking into consideration there’s a spectrum.

Edited February 26, 2021 by Mickexyy
Auto-corrected aromantic to aromatic

[Rolo]

I suppose I'd class myself as having a secure attachment style these days. I used to be avoidant - fearful, but I've changed a lot over the past decade or so. I don't think it is in anyway related to my being aromantic, other than that I am assessing this based on my close friendships rather than romantic relationships. Romance isn't the only type of attachment after all.

Edited February 26, 2021 by Rolo

[such]

I think I am both, and they are simultaneously separate things and related things. The distinction between the two is that aromanticism is about lack of romantic attraction, and avoidant people might, say, have a crush on someone but choose not act on it, while an aro person would experience few/no crushes. So I think that's how you distinguish between the two. But it's likely that being aro reinforces avoidant tendencies, and would certainly add to existing confusion about what we're capable of doing or feeling. 

I'll be sure to give you all the answers after I've solved all my problems in therapy lol

[Mark]

An obvious issue is that virtually every article about "attachment theory" assumes an amantonormative like relationship hierarchy.

[Blake]

It depends from person to person. While it can overlap for some people, they are different. One is a behavioral response toward something, be it a person or a situation. Being aromantic is not a behavioral response, it is that we are as being and we can't change it anymore than we can't choose to have an extra limb. 

You can have an avoidant attachment because of fear of what comes next, and yes being aromantic can influence that, but it doesn't mean that it will always be the case.

A case scenario would be to have an avoidant attachment because you fear that it will develop to a relationship and you don't want it to happen so your behavior is to distance yourself from the situation/person in hopes it doesn't happen. It is a simple example and it is more complex but yh, hope it helps you.

[Mickexyy]

Ahh yes, I think I had a lot of ideas in my head but the way you put this makes a lot of sense. It’s an obvious difference really but it’s hard to look at things outside of your own perspective since personally my reason for avoidant attachment is mostly influenced by me being aromantic. That definitely made it more confusing but now the difference is really clear. A square is a rectangle but a rectangle isn’t a square kind of thing. 

On 2/27/2021 at 1:45 AM, such said:

The distinction between the two is that aromanticism is about lack of romantic attraction, and avoidant people might, say, have a crush on someone but choose not act on it, while an aro person would experience few/no crushes.

[such]

@Mickexyy glad that helped! but yes at times it is deeply confusing.

[hermi1e]

for most people (but not all), their attachment style shows up in almost all of their relationships, both romantic and platonic. if you have avoidant tendencies in friendships too, it's more likely. maybe that can help?

the other thing tho is that a lot of people, both aro and alloromantic, can feel repulsed or uncomfortable with unwanted romantic attention. If ur not attracted to someone, entering a romantic relationship with them is probably not going to feel good. the main indicator of avoidant attachment is when you retreat from people you are attracted to. 

[mewix]

If think I see it as this, while I do have avoidant tendencies I just don't want romance to begin with. It isn't that im avoiding it, it's not for me. 

As mentioned here attachment theory does assume what is normal and what should be. As do a lot of relationshio advice online, i'm always like.. but I don't want that.