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Everything posted by hermi1e

  1. from my experience, they can Feel similar (butterflies, thinking about them all the time, staring at them, urge to be near them) but the Desires are different. basically what @Ashe. said: if u don't have a desire to be romantic with them, then it sounds like it's not very romantic attraction, that sounds more like a squish. however, this is something u ultimately gotta decide for urself, and i cannot give u the answer. also ik this can be confusing asfuck because romantic and platonic Actions can look similar. for example, i've had experiences where i wanna hold someone's hand or give them forehead kisses and i thought "this must be romantic attraction!" but it was actually a squish. it can help to imagine actions that u consider strictly romantic, like kissing on the lips. tho honestly, if u have to think about it on purpose with effort, it's probably not something u innately want (obv this isn't always true but yea). go with ur gut.
  2. Hi, I don't know if anyone will read this thread again, but ig i wanted to write an update. Thank u everyone for ur replies I was a bit sensually attracted to my best friend, and so i said yes to fwb, cuz I wanted it to work out. Then i thought i liked him romantically, and i got excited about a relationship, so i asked him to date. But these feelings were short lived, no matter how hard i tried to make myself feel them. When i finally ended things after two months, i was resentful and unhappy. I'd pressured myself until I didn't enjoy the friendship anymore, i no longer felt genuine or comfy w him. The breakup hit him really hard, and we might never get to be friends again. What i learned was: don't force ur feelings, especially with a relationship. If u don't want it 100%, or if u get doubts about whether u really want it, please be honest with urself. Escalating a relationship will not escalate ur feelings. This is basic common sense, and idk how i didn't realize it sooner If anyone else has forced a relationship or compelled themselves to be attracted to someone, or lost a friend in a similar way, I'd love to hear ur experiences. Thank u so much for reading and for all ur support šŸ’š
  3. if ur asking this question, u probably haven't felt romantic attraction before, or maybe u experience attraction more fluidly, like a combo of platonic and romantic feelings :) In my experience, the difference between a romantic vs. platonic relationship is the feelings/attraction and the connotations assigned to the actions, not the actions themselves. Either type of relationship can involve any variation of activities, intimacy, commitment, etc. No action is inherently romantic or platonic. Romantic Feelings/Attraction: Most people i've talked to who experience romo attraction describe it rly similarly. Butterflies, surging feelings of affection, preoccupation with the person, and! most importantly! the urge to do things that u view as romantic, with a romantic connotation! For me, when i'm with my boyfriend, i want to touch and kiss and talk to him in a romantic way (romantic desires), and doing those things feels really good. With my friends, i can feel a lot of affection, but the desires are different. I don't feel the same urge to be romantic. I may want to hold hands with them, but only in a platonic way, bc i don't feel romantic attraction. Also, i don't feel the emotional Spark from holding hands or any other activities. (I'm sorry, ik this is weird/confusing to read if u haven't experienced it. Romantic attraction is often a "u know it when u feel it thing?" Not always, obv, but often.) Romantic Connotation: The most important factor in a relationship is how u define it. A romantic relationship is romantic because the partners expressed their mutual feelings and agreed to be romantic. With me and my bf, holding hands has a romantic connotation, because that is how we define our relationship. Holding hands with my friends does not have that connotation, because we define our relationship as platonic. (This is why unwanted romo advances can feel so uncomfortable. Like, say ur friends w someone and hav no desire to date them, but u often hold hands with them as friend. Holding hands w them platonically feels good and comfy! But then u find out that they hav a crush on u, and they are holding ur hand with Romantic Connotations, which u don't want. Suddenly, holding their hand may feel uncomfortable for u. The action itself has not changed, but the connotation changed.) (Another example. Someone has a crush on their friend, but that friend doesn't know/doesn't like them back. Even though there are romantic feelings, the relationship still has strictly platonic connotations. This is not a romantic relationship.) (Another-nother example: let's say two people hav acknowledged their mutual romo attraction, but decided not to date and to just be friends. Again, there are romantic feelings, but still only platonic connotations. This isn't a romo relationship, so any activities between these friends is a non-romantic activity.) (Another, more complicated example! Wheeee! Let's say two friends decide to be friends w benefits, because they have romantic feelings for each other. They may decide "we're gonna hold hands as friends, call each other terms of endearment as friends, but kissing has a romantic connotation." Thus, certain actions are platonic and certain actions are romantic, because that's how they defined them. The relationship is only a romantic relationship if they decide to call it one.) (OO another example, lets really shake it up. Sometimes someone will decide to enter a romo relationship without any romantic feelings/attraction. They might do this to feel closer to someone, to express affection toward someone, to adhere to social pressures, or because the other person wants to be romantic. In this example, although the person feels no romo attraction towards their partner, the activities/relationship is romantic, because they define it that way.) Tl;dr Actions themselves are not what distinguish romo relationships from platonic relationships. A relationship is (usually) only romantic if there's mutual romantic attraction and the people have decided to label their relationship as romantic. Basically what @arokaladin said in his first post lmao. Wish i was as concise as you
  4. cw talk of platonic hand holding and fwb, if thats uncomfy for u then don't read this :) Hii, i just wanted to ask what sensual attraction can feel like for y'all, and how u distinguish it from sexual attraction? (AVEN might be a better place for this question, cuz im not asking about romantic attraction at all, but yeah) my friend asked me if i wanted to be friends with benefits, and i'm trying to work out my feelings. I'm not sure how i feel about kissing or having sex with him (as friends), and just looking at him does not light my fire lol. But! hand holding/physical affection w him Does Indeed Light My Fire. And i can't tell if this means i'm sexually attracted to him, or if this is what sensual attraction feels like. I'm not sure how far I want to go. I know it's rarely clean cut and the two types of attraction can be similar for people. I was just wondering if anyone has advice for figuring out these feelings/desires. Thank yoU!
  5. for most people (but not all), their attachment style shows up in almost all of their relationships, both romantic and platonic. if you have avoidant tendencies in friendships too, it's more likely. maybe that can help? the other thing tho is that a lot of people, both aro and alloromantic, can feel repulsed or uncomfortable with unwanted romantic attention. If ur not attracted to someone, entering a romantic relationship with them is probably not going to feel good. the main indicator of avoidant attachment is when you retreat from people you are attracted to.
  6. hi im just here to ask some advice. i'm sort of entering a relationship with my best friend. it started as flirting that got less and less jokey, and i started to like the idea of being with him. like i'm a teensy bit attracted to him (mostly sexually). I liked the idea of us being more affectionate. he's said he wants to date and i said i wasn't sure, but that hasn't stopped us from flirting nonstop. but i'm starting to feel uncomfortable. it feels like so much pressure, i'm not sure i actually like him that much, and every romantic/flirty gesture feels forced. I feel like we're moving too fast for me, and i don't know if i'll ever really want to date him. i'm just not that into him. maybe this is just me being awkward tho, or having a certain overwhelming idea of what Relationships are. I'm trying to decide if i should back out (it might hurt him, which i don't want, but i gotta be honest) or just ask that we slow down. does anyone else have advice for this?
  7. hi i have a new crush i think, my best friend and i have been flirting a lot and ik i'm a little bit attracted to him. he's hinted that he is too. i want to see what happens, but im afraid that my feelings will fade like they always have in the past. i'm worried that my brain will ruin it, and that i might even become repulsed by him and will need to end the friendship. (i'm think he'd respect the boundary, but god that would be awful. i love him so much and i don't want to fuck it up) i'm also worried that we wouldn't be attracted to each other in the same ways. I feel sensual, maybe queerplatonic, and maybe sexual attraction towards him. i'm worried he'll be romantically attracted to me and i won't be able to reciprocate. (ik the most important thing would be to communicate this, but yeah. i'm not sure how to navigate it) im definitely getting ahead of myself, idk if anything will actually happen, but these are just a few worries does anyone have advice? it's ok if u don't. thank you, have a lovely day!
  8. my friend and i flirt platonically for fun, but i started wondering if he was serious and now i feel nauseous. i don't want him to like me that way, i'm worried it'll ruin the friendship and it just feels uncomfortable. maybe i'm just nervous or smth but yeah

    1. hermi1e


      nvm, another friend of mineĀ assured me that this guy is not actually flirting w me. im better now

  9. yees, i've had one or two squishes i think. for me at least, the difference between a squish and a crush is not the "symptoms," but the desires. Like, i feel the same butterflies and yearning and fuzzy feelings and obsession and interest and tenderness and excitement and jealousy, but i don't feel a yearning to kiss or f*ck them. I just want to hold hands platonically and marathon all the movies and make them pancakes and have inside jokes and talk on the phone all night. It's a strong desire to be very close friends. I think a squish can be just as emotionally intense as a crush (my current squish made me believe in soulmates lol), but yeah, the desires are just totally different. This was confusing for me, because i couldn't tell at first if i wanted a romantic relationship with them. I would ask myself "do i want to kiss them?" but it always felt weird or difficult to imagine it, and i realized that wasn't what i wanted. If i hadn't known about squishes, i might have stayed confused, or tried doing smth uncomfortable for me bc i thought i should want it. Im really happy i figured out what i was actually feeling. i hope that helps. take care!
  10. Absolutely, I encourage u to tell them! It is definitely possible and allowed for alloromantic people to be in QPRs. The main thing to be aware of is how you define and communicate it, especially if they aren't familiar w QPRs. With my person, neither of us are asexual, but he was sorta aware of squishes when i told him i liked him. This was a bit bumpy, because I needed to go beyond "i have a squish on you, do you want to be my QPP" when i confessed my feelings. We had dif levels of knowledge of these labels, and different definitions. It's important to try n clearly say your feelings and desires, define the labels you're interested in using, ask them what their feelings are, etc. Communicate, communicate, communicate. It's entirely possible that y'all have some similar feelings and desires and comfort levels, and others that are different, and that's fantastic to be aware of. Maybe they like you too! For future romo relationships, I'd also kinda suggest communication lol. It's excellent to be aware about what future partners are comfortable with: if they are bothered by you having another partner, ya gotta respect that, and it might be good to find compromises. (Maybe u don't talk to ur romo partner about ur qpp, to avoid jealousy. Maybe they stay separate, to avoid hurt feelings. Maybe you decide that you don't wanna date anyone, unless they're ok with ur qpp .) If this future romo partner is ok with you having another relationship, then that's fantastic! Another thing to keep in mind (tho this might be a cross-that-bridge-when-u-get-to-it thing) is relationship hierarchy, which a lot of polyamorous folks like to think about. If you had both a romantic and queerplatonic relationship, which would u spend more time on? Would it be equal? How would u want to show them love, and receive love? Do you think one would be more important to you than the other? What would you hope to get from each? This can be nerve-wracking and difficult, because feelings are overwhelming and rejection is scaryyyyyy, but i think u should shoot ur shot! I hope it works out.
  11. I personally suggest u shoot ur shot. Often, a person's queerplatonic orientation and sexual orientation are different; my zucchini is a gay guy, but he likes me (a girl) queerplatonically. Smth i learned was that, often, especially if ur person has their own feelings/future plans/level of familiarity w queerplatonic relationship, it's better to outline your feelings and desires directly. Like, saying "i'm queerplatonically attracted to u" might confuse her, but saying "i feel extremely drawn to you, these are my feelings, and i often wish we could do xyz" is more likely to make sense and help u find similar desires. Maybe she also wants to spend the rest of her life with you, or maybe she also wants to hold your hand platonically! About the straight thing lol: it's likely that, even if y'all have similar feelings and want a platonic commitment, she will still want to date other people romantically/sexually. Basically, polyamory. How would u feel about this? Some folks are fine with it, others aren't comfortable or happy with that. This sounds kinda nerve-wracking and difficult :// I hope it works out!
  12. To younger me: i know ur convinced u don't care what people think, but you actually do. Everything u do is to keep up a persona or character, and just because that fake self is unconventional, that doesn't mean it's not fake. U don't have to be anyone, you don't have to be interesting to matter.
  13. oooo this is kinda cool! A word I've heard is homoplatonic, to describe who you experience queerplatonic attraction to. Also, as @aro-faeand @Jot-Aro Kujo mentioned, "angled aroace" and "oriented aroace" could describe u
  14. I hav no idea, i didn't even know platonic had a different definition. The more ya know in my opinion, the meaning of a word should often be the way it's used, rather than the original definition. Words are just tools to express thoughts and reality, the dictionary is not the bible, stuff changes, and i think it's important to acknowledge colloquial language and slang. I understand if folks who are passionate about linguistics might disagree, and honestly i respect that, ya nerds : ) Unless you're misgendering nonbinary people by arguing that singular they is uNgRaMaTiCaL. Then i do not respect you. So if we're in a real-life context, in which most people think "platonic" = "friends," saying "we're queerplatonic" can explain it pretty well. But if some prefer other words, or feels that "platonic" shouldn't/doesn't mean "friends," or wanna explain their relationship a different way, that's also awesome. I personally call my qpp my squishy, since i have a squish on him
  15. My guy, i think i might know how u feel. i use a microlabel on the aro spectrum (lithromantic) and my god it's annoying. I worry that I'm seeking attention or that it's fake, i worry that other people are gonna judge me or question it, it's just hard and embarrassing. Half the time i say i'm "aro-spec" because i don't want others to say "that's not a real identity" or ask "are you sure you're not just [insert other identity/condition/normal thing]?" And it also makes it hard to find others who use the same label. it sucks But i think that's a problem with other people. The idea that "microlabels" are invalid and made-up is a very right-wing idea, a demeaning and mocking way for them to bash lgbt+ people. U hear them make shitty jokes about "5941 genders" and "attack helicopters," and it's literally just a tool to discriminate. If u turn ur opponent into a laughing stock, into cringeworthy content, u reduce their power and undermine their self worth. This causes people to feel imposter syndrome, internalize the prejudice, disbelieve their own feelings, force themselves into uncomfortable labels to avoid ridicule, and be afraid to say what they're really feeling. It can cause them to hate themselves the way the oppressors hate them And unfortunately, this right-wing rhetoric exists within left-wing and lgbt spaces too. The people in my life who have said my label isn't valid have all been left-wing and/or lgbt. It's messed up. But honestly, they're wrong and they're projecting internalized homophobia onto others, because mocking or invalidating another group makes their community feel safer or more special or more valid. They're insecure and unaccepting. Legit, fuck them. Someone created ur label because they felt like u do, just like someone created the labels gay and bisexual because they needed a word to describe themselves. Labels are meant to describe feelings, not appease others. U belong to a fantastic community that is inevitably going to gain more visibility, because that's how time works. If ur able to surround urself with those people, online or even irl, and also maybe purchase a pride flag or expose urself more to ur-label-positive content, do it dude. That can encourage self acceptance and remind u that ur beautiful
  16. also toric = enby who exclusively likes men trixic = nb who exclusively likes women also, if ur in a situation where u don't know someones gender, u could ask their pronouns. Also, it can be sufficient to say "likes men" or "likes women"
  17. well my squish likes me back and for some reason i didn't register this forĀ MONTHS. he told me like 3 times, and the other day he was like "i cannot believe i hav to say this again." Kinda embarrassed but also happi

  18. Hi, welcome to Arocalypse!! I'm sorry that your experience with dating and ur identity has been so tumultuous and painful That sounds really difficult. And a lot of what u said, based on what I've seen, resonates with a lot of aromantic people. You ain't alone in this. Obviously, only u can decide what label is best for u. Based on what u described tho, it sounds like u do not feel romantic attraction. Which is the only qualifier for being aromantic! It sounds like some things making u hesitate to adopt the label are those remaining expectations of how u should live and feel. That can be really difficult to let go of, especially if ur family emphasized these expectations about dating and love and marriage from a young age. Some things I'd suggest are talking to other aros (and here you are!), surrounding urself with aro positivity and acceptance (maybe get a pride flag, read a book with an aromantic character, listen to music that might reflect how u feel, find friends who are accepting), and envisioning a romance-free life for urself (this can be extremely fulfilling. Maybe throw ur energy into other areas of life, like hobbies or career or friends. List the other things that are important to you). Overcoming internalized arophobia and accepting urself can be so so hard. (Ik when I started questioning, i was filled with dread about what my life would be like if romance wasn't in the cards for me.) But it's so fuckin worth it. You got this, seamonster! It sounds like this might be a long time coming. Remembah, ur not broken if u don't feel romance, ur just like the other people on here Also be patient with yoself, it can take awhile to figure out ur identity and become comfy with it. Take care o yoself!
  19. Are you able to edit the poll, so that binary people can say N/A for the second question? We're required to answer all questions, or it doesn't let u submit. Thanks!
  20. CW: transphobia hi people!! I wanted to post because I realized like 10 minutes ago that I might be platonically attracted to my best friend, and then i realized that he's the third person I've had a squish on, and also the third trans guy. My squishes have all been trans guys. I want to ask about this bc I'm worried that it is transphobic of me. I'm exclusively attracted to men, but I only have had romantic/sexual crushes on cis guys and I've had entirely platonic crushes on the three trans guys I've known well. (One was a close friend at my summer camp, another was an acquaintance at school, and this current guy is my best friend at school.) So basically, I only ever get squishes on trans guys, and only ever get sexual/romantic crushes on cis guys. I'm speculating that maybe i don't see trans men fully as men (hella transphobic!) so I never see them as potential sexual/romantic partners the way I see cis men. Also worried that I'm viewing them as people i wanna be platonically close to because i view them as gay-best-friends/platonic girlfriends (ugh i'm so sorry for saying this). People who aren't gonna be attracted to me, even if they do like girls, and who i thus can feel comfortable around. Which, again, is fucking transphobic, bc i'm not seeing them the way i see cis guys (which is usually with a lotta nervousness, bc i view them as people i could date. Except for cis gay guys. I feel comfy around them). Ik this is confusing and i'm not even conscious or in-control of a lot of it, so it makes sense that others might not be able to help much, but I'm wondering how I can tell if this is a prejudice and how others might suggest I work on this. I obviously need to evaluate how I see trans guys n stuff, but i'm not exactly sure how. Anyway, thank you! Have a lovely day!
  21. ooo i was gonna suggest this too! Another idea (?) is for her to discover her asexual and aromantic identities separately? Idk how ur self-discovery timeline is working, but mebe she could realize she's asexual but still not be sure if she feels romo attraction, or vice versa. Maybe this wouldn't be realistic for the time, because even she might conflate the two, but that could potentially establish the identities as separate. This story sounds awesome! I hope it gets out there, because I want to read it.
  22. It's totally ok to be aro in a romo relationship, as long as it's something u want. The main thing here might be communication, tho. Mebe let them know what romo activities ur comfortable with, how often u wanna spend time together, what ur attraction to them feels like, whenever ur uncomfy with smth, etc. Like @nonmerci said, it's best if they know what to expect from u and the relationship. Ur not leading someone on if they know what's goin down About ur identity: eeeee. This can be tricky. The main thing to focus on, imo, might be what type of attraction ur feeling. (Remember, tho this might sound obv, labels are meant to describe feelings.) If ur feeling romo attraction, this might help know if ur aro-spec. Untangling and labeling feelings of attraction can be time consuming and frustrating, but you'll figure it out. U got this! Feel free to talk more about this here, we're happy to listen and help out. Congrats on starting a relationship! i hope it works out the way u want it to.
  23. What if there were queer colleges, like there are historically black colleges and religious colleges and stuff. Legit, just one big gay college with Pride Month as a huge celebration and specific clubs/classes about different genders and sexualities in addition to other clubs/classes. And all the professors are LGBT and aware of LGBT issues and identities. No frat culture. Just gay bars, and drag shows instead of rushing fraternities.
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