What makes you feel romance repulsed?

[NullVector]

16 hours ago, DeltaV said:

Hand-holding doesn't seem sexual to me, though. More like mostly romantic and sometimes platonic.

Linked palms during some of the more "interesting" positions could seem sexual  But I take your general point. In the west, it's seen as mostly romantic. Although I understand that in India it's much more seen as a sign of platonic affection between male friends, so these things aren't culturally universal.

 

16 hours ago, DeltaV said:

Better yet, to experience it in completely non-romantic contexts.

Yes, I think that would probably be the preferred form of "therapy" for me 

 

16 hours ago, DeltaV said:

For all the supposed LOVE, at least in the early phase, romance seems like missionary activity by Scientology²: lots of careful maneuvering and emotional manipulation with the goal of “absorbing” you. Like, when a friend asked me “Should I tell my girlfriend <dark secret X>?” … I'm just thinking: “Well, you already told me! If you love her sooooo much why is this still a question?!? ”

 

Haha, yes, I love the way you've put this. Observing all of that initial "maneuvering" and "manipulation" (and feeling repulsed by it) lead me to have the thought: "I'd probably make a pretty good romantic partner, if I could just fast-forward past the early stages of the relationship somehow, which seems to often involve a lot of game-playing and economical truth-telling " (as in, I'd basically be fine once the initial "romance" was over with!  which makes a lot more sense to me now).

 

To put the "strategy" that some allo-romantics seem to intuitively follow here in rather brutal economistic terms, it's something like: "Get them sufficiently invested in this joint venture such that Sunk Cost Fallacy kicks in and takes care of any emotional fallout once I actually start to tell the truth about myself"*

 

*Note for any allo-romantic allies reading this:  it's again "phrased in a slightly hyperbolic way" as @DeltaV put it earlier! I'm certainly not meaning to imply that most or even a significant fraction of allo-romantics actually behave like this. It's a negative stereotype that probably only applies well to a small subset of allo-romantics. Similar to the negative stereotype that (sexual) aromantics would likely mislead allo-romantics about being interested in "more" than "just" sex in order to get the other person to agree to have sex with them in the first place. I guess all types of human (allo-romantics, aromantics, etc.) are capable of manipulative behaviors, it's just that how it manifests in terms of concrete actions would vary depending on the context of what they are trying to achieve through the manipulation.

[DeltaAro]

On 9/23/2017 at 3:46 PM, NullVector said:

Yes, I think that would probably be the preferred form of "therapy" for me 

I bet!

 

Theoretically, one could also experience kissing on the mouth in a platonic context. But the socialist fraternal kiss is kinda out of fashion! If I did that, it would at best be considered a romantic move way behind schedule (friends, or rather some of them), at worst Creepazoid-9000 (like family, lol).

On 9/23/2017 at 3:46 PM, NullVector said:

Haha, yes, I love the way you've put this. Observing all of that initial "maneuvering" and "manipulation" (and feeling repulsed by it) lead me to have the thought: "I'd probably make a pretty good romantic partner, if I could just fast-forward past the early stages of the relationship somehow, which seems to often involve a lot of game-playing and economical truth-telling " (as in, I'd basically be fine once the initial "romance" was over with!  which makes a lot more sense to me now).

Similar for me. Before I knew about aromanticism, couples in their thirties or older, who had been together for many years, were my role models! They seemed so much more normal.

On 9/23/2017 at 3:46 PM, NullVector said:

I'm certainly not meaning to imply that most or even a significant fraction of allo-romantics actually behave like this.

As we put it, it was of course very mean. Still, you know that there's some truth to it. Doesn't mean that they are bad people! It's just that the dishonesty is more tolerated here. For example, look at this quote from a dating guide (in the “for women section”):
 

If you want to deceive, don't fear committing perjury:

Venus makes the gods deaf to such love games.

 

Oh, that's from Ovid's Ars Amatoria…  Some things never change…

 

It's similar as presenting yourself to an employer – considerable dishonesty is seen as ethically neutral as long as you don't commit clear-cut fraud (forging documents etc.). The stakes are high and everybody does it!

[lostspaceace]

in real life i feel repulsed by it sometimes but in media,books,movies,shows ect i dont mind it as in some shows it actually makes me feel good to see people togeather i find it quite sweet if there charecthers i like

[Ali Da Fish]

Songs don’t bug me that much. Very vivid descriptions of love in books make me uncomfortable. Kissing/makeing out scenes in movies make me want to cringe. The thing that’s probably the worst is seeing people in public hug/kiss. Not like friends or family hugging but two people who are clearly dating. Also when my friends sit on the lap/hold hands with their bf or gf. It makes me internationally shrivel up. I don’t want to come off as hating the person they are dating, because I don’t I just really dislike the romance, but I feel like everyone can see me visibly cringing at them holding hands and then I feel like I am being rude. 

[Bri]

I usually don't care to much about romance and I do get crushes but its really rare, tbh romance when it involves me makes me uncomfortable but the weird thing is that I love the romance in mangas and sometimes mangas I probably obsess over it too much.

[D0NN13_D1N0]

I don't really get repulsed by it, in films and books i find it boring, in songs it's just something you learn to accept (though i like metal and punk mostly and fortunately love isn't one of the main topics haha) If it's directed at me it's more of a hassle than something that freaks me out bc i have to tell them i'm not interested and this can be pretty difficult idk. Sometimes seeing couples irl and in films just kinda makes me sad like, am i broken? Missing something? Missing out? Which can cause spiraling

[LoveIsZaxlebax]

The thing in movies where two people who barely know anything about each other are suddenly madly in wuvv ?  The worst.

Anything that ties coupledom to elevated social status is right up there on my repuls-o-meter, like performative PDA and cutesy social media photos.

The thing where people start reading intentions into innocuous gestures and becoming emotionally oversensitive to the subject of their romantic attraction too.  In fiction and real life, it makes me squeamish.  In general, the emotional neediness that tends to accompany romantic attraction is uncomfortable to witness.

The valorization of compromise and martyrdom for the sake of companionship does that too.  If it’s for a cause or a metaphysical belief that’s cool imo but if it’s for a person, my reaction is “yuck.”

Gestures of blind trust.  The emphasis on togetherness for its own sake.  Vulnerability.  Dressing up, flirting, having dates.  More or less everything about romance repulses me other than cohabitation and exclusivity.

[Guest Alas]

Usually when it involves myself. 

I don't feel repulsed by romance in media at all (or even in real life). I even go out my way to find romantic series myself to binge or read for leisure. The problem usually lies if it (romance) has something to do with me.

Other people/characters: *like each other*

Me: That is wholesome. Very sweet.

Someone: *likes me romantically*

Me: *breaks down*

[deep_inlove]

i don't actually feel repulsed by romance in media or music, i actually quite enjoy it, and seeing other people doesn't bother me, the problem begins when i'm the one involved in a situation that could be considered romantic, that's when i get physically sick, but like really bad, being in my first and only relationship was nauseating, even if i loved them, and i was only able to give my first kiss because i knew the other person didn't had feelings for me 

[GoodbyeRepublicServices]

I'd definitely feel repulsed if I became involved in anything romantic (or sexual or sensual). I'm not repulsed by romance in media, but I do find it somewhat annoying most of the time.

Edit: I'll take it back -- sometimes I actually am repulsed by romance in media and romance as a concept.

I'm also extremely annoyed (sometimes even repulsed) by people calling me "cute", "hot", or "sexy".

Cute? No. Hot?? No! Sexy??? FUCK NO!!! I'M NOT A SEX TOY!!!

Edited September 28, 2021 by RepublicServicesVolunteer

[Elin W]

Just sharing my thoughts on this topic….. 

I’ve been single all my life….. and I haven’t been a person who people have been flirting a lot with…. (I have heard I “scare guys away” being so non-impressed by them, but I don’t know - I guess I haven’t been in a lot of situations like that because I simply haven’t been interested in putting myself there) but when I have had those few experiences of MAYBE getting involved with someone romantically I’ve felt a strong repulsion inside of me. Which I haven’t understood. But I understand now (I found out not long ago that I’m aro). I’ve also felt strong repulsion when I’ve tried dating websites (ha ha ha ? I wasn’t online there for a long time! ?) 

I don’t feel romance repulsed by romance in media a lot, just feel a lot of tiredness I guess - and resentment cause it can remind me of “this thing I’m “supposed” to like but I simply can’t get myself to feel” ? 

I can enjoy romance stories in for example books if they’re about intimacy and companionship because I guess I can relate to that - it’s what I do long for too, but for me it’s happening in platonic relationships such as friendships. I HATE stories with for example the trope “enemies to lovers”. It the characters hate each other at the beginning I can get myself to understand why they have to be together at all? That’s a concept that simply doesn’t work for me, and I lose interest very fast. 

 

I do feel repulsion for objectification and whenever people are flirting with me, by the way. Ew ? I feel a strong repulsion inside of me like my soul is getting tensed and shouts “no!” 

[Guest]

What makes me romance repulsed?:

First my story 

Ever since i was a little girl i’ve never understood the whole meaning behind being in a relationship/married, i’ve never been interested in romantic movies, books or songs. When i was a teenager i’ve never had a crush on anyone cause i didn’t felt any romantic attraction towards boys or girls. Everyone in school talked about their crushes and romantic stuff and i was almost the only one who wasn’t interested in it at all and almost everyone i knew at college had a boyfriend/girlfriend and even had kids. I felt so different because i didn’t felt any romantic or sexual attraction towards anyone(expect for fictional characters). I felt like i was supposed to get married when i reached 20, because i thought that was the norm in my religious family. But when i found out that i was aro/ace i didn’t had to worry about the relationships/marriage stuff and that was very reliving. And my parents respect me for that and being childfree as well.

 

So why am i repulsed by romance?

It might sound rude and offensive but i try my best to write it in a politely way. I don’t understand why people would want to be in a relationship or getting married, i don’t understand the whole deal with it? Like yes i respect people for being in a relationship/getting married, i’m happy on their behalf. But i’m repulsed by the thought of being in a relationship/getting married myself and i’m not interested in it and don’t want it at all. I would much rather want close friendship, friendship is so much more valuable to me. I’ve never been in a relationship, dated anyone, had my first kiss and never had sex before so i don’t know anything about how it is to fall in love. And don’t feel any romantic attraction either.

And romantic stuff doesn’t appeal to me either like kissing, cuddling, holding hands or anything else romantic. 

However i don’t mind romantic songs or books, as long as they don’t get married in the end. 

I don’t watch romantic movies either.

 

 

On 9/10/2021 at 11:25 PM, Elin W said:

I HATE stories with for example the trope “enemies to lovers”. It the characters hate each other at the beginning I can get myself to understand why they have to be together at all? That’s a concept that simply doesn’t work for me, and I lose interest very fast. 

Oh my gosh same here, i absolutely hate it. 

[Blake]

I don't get a strong sense of repulsion toward romance, but I do get tired of always being there in everything I see. I love horror movies because they run more than they do romantic things. I see romance and I know that it isn't for me, but as a good scientist, I had to make an experiment to myself to be 100% sure. I got into a relationship to know what it felt like and if it was for me. The results was that indeed it wasn't for me, I didn't like it. Being "tied" with someone is like giving away my independence, and that is something I am repulsed by. If I can still be independent, no string attached, no sex or maybe 1 per 100 years, enjoy being with all my friends, get to know their family but only for Christmas, and a lot of other things, I wouldn't mind as much being in a relationship, but I guess my standards are impossible for any "normal" relationship. Well I guess I'll die alone, but I will travel the world, I will do all I want to do in this world, when I want to do it and how I want to do it. If someone wants to make the journey with me, we can do some things, but not all. I wasn't born joined to anyone (except umbilical cord but come on, it was cut off) so I will die the same way. People don't value enough being independent, it is sweet to not have to consult anyone of your plans, that if you want a vacation you can take it. Idk, maybe my ideals are too radical, but I like them all the same.

[GoodbyeRepublicServices]

15 hours ago, Blake said:

no sex or maybe 1 per 100 years

Even that is too much sex for me.

15 hours ago, Blake said:

my standards are impossible for any "normal" relationship

My standards are so high, that if anyone so much as thinks about any relationship with me other than friendship or acquaintanceship, those people already do not meet my standards !!

[Blake]

3 hours ago, RepublicServicesVolunteer said:

Even that is too much sex for me.

My standards are so high, that if anyone so much as thinks about any relationship with me other than friendship or acquaintanceship, those people already do not meet my standards !!

I understand that. Also, there is so many things I can be doing that are better than dating or having sex you know? I can travel the world, learn a new language, learn how to use a bow, survival skills, deep diving. I can be doing so many things that bring me joy. Hell even eating, exploring local cuisine of a foreign country has been one of the best experiences in my life. (Truth, you need to be safe cuz food allergies and food poisoning is real). If dating someone takes me 2 hours per week (not counting trip, just time with the person) in 1 month that is 8 hrs. In 6 months, 48 hours. In that time I can draft a paper and polish it so I can publish and get funding. More $ means better equipment and more research.