Elin W

I’ve never heard anything about asexuality in my life until I was 37 for a couple of years ago and decided to read a book about it. I didn’t think I could be ace but when I read the book I was astonished to find my own experiences explained. In the book the author also mentioned aromanticism and I knew instantly that was me, I just didn’t know it was an identity or that it was ok to be that way. ☺️

Where do you live? :) in Sweden there are pride events in other months than June, but mostly during spring or summer.

Same for me. When I read the word I knew instantly and instantly felt relief :)

So glad I found this thread because I’m having that book on my tbr for the month and have picked it up from the library. :) but I haven’t started reading it yet.

I’m planning on going to West Pride in Gothenburg Sweden and walk the parade there and also attend the aroace meet up hosted by AroAce Gemenskap and spAce Malmö. ☺️🌈

It’s very disrespectful to say 😦 I haven’t experienced that myself. I’ve met more of belittling comments especially before I knew about aromanticism friends could say, when I tried to tell them that I lacked the capacity of falling in love, “Elin, you’re not that way” and even if they meant well it also meant that I didn’t feel like they believed me. And I was very insecure and not knowing about aromantic being an identity shared with many others I feel more confident. And happy 💚 and relieved.

Yes both female and queer and queer ally priests are common in the Lutheran church of Sweden! But I don’t think they know much about aromanticism yet. At least not that priest although she walked the Pride parade celebrating every identity she seemed to be doubtful when I explained aromanticism. im in the evangelical Baptist part of the church. But the church families are different here in Sweden even if there are similarities too. I switched church family a few years ago because I wanted to be in a baptist church that was affirming towards lgbtqia+ people and thats when I found this organization too. But first I was part of it as an ally, it wasn’t before 2021 I realised I was a part of the lgbtqia+ acronym myself. When I told the other queer Christians and came out to them they were friendly and positive but didn’t seem to know a lot about it. That’s why I volunteered to have a presentation about it. The result was that more - especially young people - realised they were ace too, and I know about at least one more in the organization who identifies as aromantic. I’m an educated and ordained pastor myself even though I don’t work as that right now. I’m trying to figure out my identity right now and how it affects my life, finding relationships and so on so it’s a good thing I’m not a religious leader right now. I don’t know if I’ll work in church again but if I do I think I’d like to be able to be open about who I am, at least at some level. I know a lot of religious people are queerphobic and I was a part of churches like that growing up too. It hurts me a lot :( but it gives me hope when I meet other Christians and people of other religions who are queer or allies to queer people. It has always inspired me a lot and maybe it was touching my heart a lot because I’m a part of myself even though I didn’t realise it when being young. 😌 Anyway, religion and Christian communities are not easy for queer people of any kind. But there is hope and there are communities with people who are queer themselves. Even in America :) but maybe hard to find in many places.

I found this thread today and I’m pretty late to the conversation maybe. im 40 this year and I discovered that I’m aroace a couple of years ago. It was such a huge relief and explained my whole life so I’ve got a pride in who I am that I didn’t have before. 😌 Quite early I got to understand that there were prejudices and reactions could be that “this is not real orientations but caused by autism”. Which makes me sad, not because it’s something wrong with autism (of course) but because the way they say it “caused by this or that diagnosis” makes it sound like it’s something broken or wrong. It shows a sad attitude towards autistic people too I think - I began to think: Why are only the orientation of neurotypical people valid? And of course as many of you earlier in this conversation have said: there are many autistic people with other orientations and many aces and/or aros who are autistic and who are not autistic. This spring I’ve been diagnosed myself as having autism and add 😌 it’s been an overwhelming process too and validating and means I can understand myself better. But it makes me feel vulnerable too. I don’t plan being open about being autistic but these comments will make me even more uncomfortable and vulnerable I think. And if people would know - would they invalidate me? These are just thoughts spinning in my head right now so it felt good to share them. I hope for more awareness and validation of both autistic people and of ace and aro identities. That neither one of them will be invalidated and met with prejudices. That every ace & aro would be able to feel valid. That every autistic person would feel respected and that their orientation and their feelings matter same as everybody else. 💚

Ha ha you’re right!! 🤣 Actually, nobody has said that straight up to me. I’ve only been aware and out for a couple of years…. I was just speculating to what was written above. 😅

I’ve been open about it on social media and in a lgbtqia+ organization for lgbtqia+ Christians where I also held a power point presentation about what asexuality & aromanticism was 😛 I guess I felt the need of explaining it, I was both validated and encouraged but it also drained a lot of energy. I’ve come in contact with both ace and aro people in Sweden which is my home country. Asexuality is more well known and awareness are starting to spread I think…. But I always feel disappointed when I see aromanticism being forgotten when mentioning the “A”. I know I shouldn’t expect much (due to lack of knowledge and representation) but it always disappoints me anyway. I was so relieved when I learnt about aromanticism a couple of years ago (I’m 40 this year) 😌🌈 it means so much to me to know I’m not alone and valid. My identity as aro is so strong when I look back at my life. And it also matters a lot looking into my future trying to figure out how to live my life and build relationships. So it would mean so much to me if aromantic wasn’t forgotten about when talking about lgbtqiA+ 😌 But that’s my experience from this short time of being aware and open. It’s quite easy to say I’m asexual because people might know about it (even though they don’t understand) have heard about it and if they don’t they accept it’s a sexual orientation. But if I say aromantic and they don’t know about it being an identity I’m going to have to explain what a romantic orientation is and that’s more draining and difficult I think. Since they doubt me, I feel. But 😌 I’ve got a wholesome memory from when I walked in pride parade in my pretty small home city. I was asked by a priest (an ally) what flags I had. I explained and when I explained the aromantic flag I could see her wrinkle her eyebrows. But when the parade was over a young person ran up to be saying: “I loved to see your flags! I’m also aromantic!!” So that encouraged me a lot! An ally might wonder what I’m talking about and wrinkle their eyebrow. But young people might see the aro flag and feel validated and that meant the world to me! 😊

I just happen to see this conversation but wanted to add a thought… I doubt that people would consider aces & / or aros to be machines or animals if they’d meet anyone who identify as such. But I’m sure they might react that being without romantic or sexual attraction or relationships would be unthinkable and only possible within the animal kingdom or for a machine (in a sci fi story or something). So if an actual person said “Hey I don’t feel that way I’m aromantic” they could say: “That’s not real. It’s a basic human experience. A robot / machine could be without that but not you who are a human being.” So they’d be invalidated, not believed and ridiculed. And treated like a child like they didn’t know better. but that’s not very nice either 😌

Thanks for everything you wrote! I can relate to this very much. ? I feel so validated when I’m able to express my feelings and thoughts and realise now - when I know about aromanticism - that others can understand me and also relate to what I’m experiencing. That’s so empowering. Representation matters SO much. I’ve only been out for about a year and already I understand what other aros mean about the heavy burden of trying to explain your identity to everyone. Even if people are respectful and want to listen it’s a lot of work, I realize! ? and yeah, Jughead, so sad that he got paired up in that new version. I’ve only heard about it….. but so sad when he seems to have been a great aro character if he could stay as he was in the original comics. ?

I can understand that it’s very annoying and hurtful ?

I’m starting to understand more and more how heavy this norm is and how hard it is to go against it…. Its hard because it’s so subtle. Not many people think of it being a norm in the first place, right? They simply take it naturally, that everyone falls in love or wants to fall in love. im 38 years old now, and in the beginning of this year I realised I was aromantic and also asexual. It was liberating for me - I didn’t have to pressure myself anymore, there’s nothing wrong with me, there are others who feel the same! And there are other ways to form meaningful relationships, you just have to think outside the amatonormativity box. But even if I know those things it’s still hard. Because the rest of the society and the ones I know - in my workplace, my family (especially my mom) and friends don’t know about aromanticism. They’d still think there’s something wrong with me, that my life is sad without love and so on. I guess it’s hard to re-think one’s life for yourself too? I still can feel an emptiness inside of me when I’m thinking of my future being single and without family. I don’t have a strong desire to have kids of my own so that’s not a big issue in itself BUT the issue is the way I’m thinking of my life - the society norm is so strong that children and family life is what makes a life meaningful, that it really gets to me when my mom asks questions like “Aren’t you going to have children? What are you going to fill your life with?” I can’t tell her about the year I’ve had, going through an identity crisis, making new friends, thinking of lgtqia+, learning new things because she’s against everything lgtbqia+ and pride. Therefore when I tell her about this year being tough she doesn’t understand me, of course. She probably thinks it’s tough because I’m single ? It’s very complicated. Thanks for reading my rant ? I hope maybe somebody can relate to all this. I also have a lot of feelings of empowerment and liberation thinking about breaking norms and so on, I guess this week I’m just tired and it feels very heavy to stand outside the amatonormativity. To not fit in.

I can relate to so much of what you’re writing ?