The Newest Fabled Creature

Not much of an advice-type of reply but more of a I-relate-to-this type with all of the older comments. I believe I was around 17 almost 18 when I realized that I'm aro (I'm not asexual though), and I constantly fought with myself about it, because - although I don't label them as crushes anymore - I had previous intense emotional attractions towards people when I was a little kid, and I kept using that as a frame of reference for me "not actually being aro." But the thing is, I had to learn that that doesn't matter because my lack of romantic attraction has been prevalent for nearly 5 years now (probably 6), and I know I would not be happy in being in any type of relationship (romantic or queerplatonic). I don't think I'm too young to know I'm aro (especially since I'll be almost 20 soon) and yes I know things could and do change, but that does not mean that my and anyone else's current identity isn't valid nor not who we are in the present. It's just we change through new experiences and that could influence what we go by in the future, it doesn't make us any less queer. Don't marry yourself to a label but also know that your identity, from now and beyond, is important, sacred, and just a piece of all that is you. I know this feeling all to well friend! For me, I soon realized that I'm aro a bit after exploring why relationships made me feel uncomfortable (and I was also questioning why I suddenly stopped feeling romantic attraction the past 5 years), not to say that that makes you aro, but I understand your feeling of suffocation about relationships and for me, I constantly called that uncomfortably "commitment issues" though I later, of course, realized that I was uncomfortable about relationships on my part of being aromantic. I would explore the side of fluctuating aroace-ness? Identities like arospike, acespike, or aroacespike, not because I'm saying that is who or what you are, but they are identities that encompass feeling attraction but there would just be spikes of lack of attraction in certain orientations.

Despite being, well, aro, there are lot's of romantic songs I really love and adore! These consist of the oldies, a few modern ones, and usually don't revolve around the idea of "everyone is looking for love" though granted there's a few songs that I like that have that disdainful belief in them. The type of romantic songs that I especially enjoy, are usually the ones that consist of the individual singing of how they adore their romantic interest or the singer expressing loudly just their romantic feelings for their muse (I have many favorites of just this variety). Some romantic songs I like can also be read as the individual experiencing tertiary attraction, and so could be read as aro-coded; one example of this being the song You Send Me by Sam Cooke ("you send me" does have romantic connotations placed onto it for the most part, but it isn't a direct declaration of romantic love either). So, are there any romantic songs that y'all like? (to list some personally: Ain't That A Kick In The Head? by Dean Martin, Can't Take My Eyes Off of You by Frankie Valli, Beyond The Sea by Bobby Darin, Together Forever by Rick Astley, I Was Made For Loving You by KISS, etc) If so, are they usually modern or oldies? (the songs I listed can be all considered oldies, so maybe Modern can be our current hit artists or pop stars) What kind of genre(s) are they usually in? (my favorites are usually in the Blues, Jazz, Swing, Vocal Six, Soul and Folk variety, with outliers like Pop and Rock) What makes you enjoy these romantic songs and why? (could be because of lyrics, certain instruments, or rhythm/beat, maybe all of the above) What do these romantic songs consist of that makes you enjoy them so? (i.e. my favorities being declarative love songs or grey love songs that could be read in an aromantic way)

Literally me! I would be vibing and then the mood is dropped drastically lol

I understand that! There's times where I take it lightly, and then there's times where I understand the whole entire "big heavy weight and dream" of it that alloromantics make a big deal of. I only understand that aspect of it when I get cold sweats because someone in my immediate family would bring it up and expect me to agree (especially my mom).

#1 make sure it's safe to do so. Bring up the topic of the aspec community and gauge their reactions. As HelloThere said, if it's safe enough to come out, break down what you'd want to communicate and what boundaries you'd like to set. Also, check to make sure that this is something you actually want to do. I know you want to stop the harassment of being shipped with other people, or being asked about crushes and that expectation, but ask yourself if is this coming out is fully for you.

I chose "something else" because my ideal living space for being homebody is for a big ole household to be filled with people I trust, and who wouldn't tear it up, and it would be somewhere kind of countryside but close to a city so we could have something to do if we ever went traveling. Speaking of traveling, I'd also like a traveling family (blood and chosen) where we do lot's of shit together.

For me to generally marry anyone, which I doubt would happen, I believe I would have to feel a very strong alterous attraction to them. Even then, I may still not marry them nor have a relationship, but that's kind of the only way I'd see myself marrying anyone. The reason why I would marry them, if I did, would be for convenience for the both of us!

There are aros that may experience having crushes and that's just another unique experience of being aromantic/aro-spec. I don't label my past emotional attractions as crushes anymore, because of the strong feelings of only wanting to hang out with the people I quote unquote liked, being the main factor as to why I don't label them as such. But, my not-really-having-crushes-or-experiencing-romantic-attraction-at-all has only happened recently these 4-5 years, and made me realize that my past attractions may not have been as romantic as I initially thought, plus most of the time, when I was very little, either I was un-knowingly "dating" someone because they confessed they liked me and so boom! that totally means we're dating now, or I only said I was "dating" someone because I found them cool, felt that strong emotional pull towards them, and because "dating was just like in the movies."

What made me initially question if I was aromantic was when I realized that I hadn't had a "crush" in years. Now I've realized that my "crushes" actually weren't such, but my strong emotional infatuation/alterous attraction towards people has literally not happened in nearly 6 years, and when I feel like a mesh is coming on it goes away real fast. I have felt more attraction towards fictional characters than I ever did with real life people. I mean, yeah feel sexual attraction towards real life people, and then towards fictional characters I find attractive, but I only ever fantasize myself in romantic relationships with fictional characters. Though, I would not say I'm fictoromantic, because it's not that I feel like I have a crush on any fictional character, and more often than not I usually don't keep up the romantic-relationship-with-this-character-I'm-hyperfixated-on for long because I usually place my aromanticism into it as well. Some of this may be neurodivergency as well, for me, since I am neurodivergent (I'm not saying that this is the case for everybody), because of how absorbed I can get into the fandom as a whole, that the character belongs to.

That's definitely how I'm gonna be with explaining my aromanticism when I do start going to college, because my mom will be asking me if I'm seeing anyone smh, and that would be my coming out basically. Because the "I'm focused on my studies" can only be my excuse for so long lmao

It's completely okay to not understand a certain identity! I suggest looking more into it! I truly don't know how I am this way, but I usually completely understand what a specific identity is? Of course, only in the way I can understand said identity while not being that identity, but I can - most of the time - just, get it. I don't know how, and most commonly this is with identities that confuse the most out of people, like i.e. genderfluid.

I haven't experienced much arophobia personally, though that's probably because I made sure to come out to people who I knew would be %100 chill about it (my brother and some friends of mine), but that's not to say that other aros don't do that too, and even when you scope someone out whose usually very chill with queer people, being aro could be that one thing they're not okay with. But people can still surprise you. Like, hell, I came out to someone recently who admitted they did not know what being aromantic or even asexual was at all, and they were cool with it. Albeit, still very confused though, lol. But I have seen some aro people I know be called "inhuman," "weird," and even "immoral' for being aro.

That's a very cool identity! I've heard about it before and it explains bits of how I act when I experience attraction, but I never really identified as such; but sounds very fascinating!

I relate to the romance-being-at-the-bottom-of-the-list thing, because that was me too! Most of my dreams or "goals" in life, never once consisted of my finding a partner and/or having a family. I also relate to the doubting and wondering-if-this-could-be-attraction type thing. I'm allosexual, specifically mspec, and experience immediate attraction towards guys (cis and trans) and masculine peoples (attraction towards girls and femme peoples happens only occasionally), and I would stare long and hard and wonder and try to "form a romantic attraction" toward an individual I know (most of the time this would be towards a guy) but my brain would shut it down right away and I would give up. It takes actual energy from me to try to see if I could somehow have a crush on someone.

Yes to all of that. That's how I feel now, even though it took me a while to feel very okay with myself. I do love being aro, because I feel like I have a type of distinct freedom - that yes some alloromantics could achieve, but usually don't get nor understand. Because I believe someone who's alloro can understand the freedom part, definitely, but the prospect that some of us aros may not ever want a partner, is something that alloros could probably not fully understand or at least understand it in a surface-level-reading-type way.

I can't even tell if I was ever confused about crushes, because I never once gave it any thought actually. Wow, that's technically another sign lol But, I would totally get the confusion about crushes = wanting to crush someone. Tbh, I think I would blame me being neurodivergent on my end, if I were to link those two together lol

I heavily relate to this. It wasn't Jaiden's video that made me realize that I'm aro, I found out beforehand, but I'm glad her video has helped out so many aspecs. But when I started minutely assuming, questioning, and even make jokes to myself that I could be aro, I would immediately shut it down, say to myself, "I may not want to date anyone but I can feel romantic attraction!" And kudos for people who are aro-spec or not, that feel romantic attraction but don't want any romantic relationships - I would just go on to find out that that's not me. The thing is, I was so fascinated by the aro community, intensely supportive (still am) and deeply intrigued. I was very curious about the fact that there's people who don't experience romantic attraction and are completely fine with that. And it doesn't have to mean you're a part of a community just because that type of fascination stirs within you, but for me - I felt seen and heard, despite fully believing that I was not aro. And I respected and still respect the hell out of aros! But when I finally started realizing that I could be aromantic, I felt like that that was the worse thing I could ever realize about myself. It's wan't really because of what I thought my family would think, or what my future would look like, it was just this intense internalized arophobia toward myself, that other people could be aro but not me, and I couldn't shake it for a while; I had this same reaction toward my gender identity as well. I had doubts (still do sometimes, but not as intense), I thought that I was a faker, a fraud, a monster. Until, suddenly, I started feeling this type of... freedom. And I don't know how or where that randomly started coming on, but because I started letting myself explore, dig deep through memories, and research more about the community, and let myself feel that completion, that click... I could finally breathe, even though it would be just the beginning of self-acceptance. Now that the worse of my having found out is over, my dreams of traveling and adventure and living my life how I want to, it feels all so much more nearer that I came to terms with being aromantic. I also relate to not telling the parents but telling the sibling(s), because so far my only family member that knows and is chill about it is my brother (I have a sister too, but I have not told her yet because she's very unreadable about what certain queer identities she would accept).

I actually just started having "aromantic moments" now that I realized I'm aro. Like, I've always had been aro to some capacity since I was a kid (now it's in full swing ever since the revelation), but the moments are just now happening? A recent one would be when I was watching Critical Role's Campaign 3 episodes (which I need to pick back up but I watch it with my siblings so I can't binge them by myself 😠) and I remembered that the DM, Matt Mercer, and one of the players - Marisha, are married and I thought to myself, "How can two people be so in love that they get married?" Unwarranted and an actual "intrusive" thought that made my head spin, because it was the first time I've ever been confused about romantic attraction/a romantic relationship. Because, I always did kind of "get it" by my being okay with romance or sometimes downright fascinated by it, but that moment threw me for a loop. Maybe I only "get romance" when it's between fictional characters, because realizing that real, breathing, and thriving human beings just - straight up get married, is weird. ... Okay maybe I don't get romance but only of the non-fiction variety

To be honest I don't exactly know if I had many signs as a kid? And that's okay! Sometimes we don't have "signs." Sometimes our experiences were just so normal to us that we can't discern what is a sign or not. But, I think I can try to formulate some of my experiences onto here. The first thing that I know is that (despite just now recently realizing that no my "crushes" actually were not that) whenever I would have a "crush" when I was younger, I wouldn't want to date them at all. Hitting the time of being in ✨middle school✨ I only had two total "crushes" during that time. One was a guy I knew and still know and am close friends with, and another was the blatant text book of "hey who's yoooour crush? ;)" and randomly choosing some random person; I chose some dude on our basketball team. The guy who I'm still friends with, I'll call him C, is probably the biggest red flag of "this was not romantic attraction at all but I was too blind to see that" in my life. Because when I got to know him through my brother, I would get this heavy feeling (that I labeled "forming a crush") in my chest, like I would physically feel it, but I would think about wanting to get to know him more, hang out and be close friends with him. I literally labeled this strong feeling of wanting to become best friends with someone, having a crush. 😐 He's handsome, sweet and very funny, but when I had this "crush" I was so scared of him liking me back and wanting to date, and despite actually sometimes fantasizing about what it would be like to be in a romantic relationship with him, I knew deep down that it would stress me out and I wouldn't be happy. I somehow escaped the specific cesspool of traumatic dating that occurs throughout middle school, because I would stay shut up about my "crushes" on people. And having just now graduated high school, I can safely say that I never once had a crush in that building. I had a qpr, but had to break up with my qpp because I realized I'm non-partnering; which I had a very great suspicion of being beforehand, but I didn't really want to believe that I could be non-amorous, so I made myself get with them. Another quick example of my being so unaware of not actually experiencing romantic attraction, is that when I felt this pull toward a girl in elementary school, I labeled that as "not the same thing at all in any given way." To be honest, I think most of what I experienced as a kid was alterous attraction, at least definitely toward that girl and toward my friend C, but I could never have known at that age that that was what I was experiencing.

1st: Amatopunk aro | I'll actually need to look more into that because it sounds really interesting, though I think I'm more of a lovepunk aro 2nd: Aroace only | I'm aroallo but that's still a cool result! 3rd: Swords | I never saw myself as very logical and balanced but those qualities are what I seek more of to attain so I guess that works 4th: Aromantic flag | "homebody" "likes things that are familiar" sounds like me!

That's the situation I'm in. My parents and siblings already know about my sexuality and gender identity and are fine with it, but I haven't told all of them, except for my brother, about my aromanticism.

Some I made quite a while back:

Yes!! I was about to say - Characters I headcanon as aro: - Captain Jack Sparrow (gives off aroallo vibes of either the hetero orientation sort or bi orientation sort) - Willy Wonka (aroace, because yeah I actually care about a candy lunatic specialist's romantic orientation let me dream) - Megamind (his punk attitude gives off as aro-ness to me, but to be specific I kind of headcanon him as demiromantic) - Ashton Greymoore (speaking of punk attitude Critical Role's Campaign 3's enby Earth Genasi player has hella aro vibes) - Elsa (lesbian orientated aroace pretty much, I mean I see her as non-partnering but if she did ever get into a relationship I can really only see her doing that with another woman) - Améthyste (she's basically Steven's wine aunt what's not to headcanon?) And there's a %100 more characters I headcanon as aro but that's all I can think of for now ^^" Oh! I really headcanon Sherlock Holmes, from the original books at least, to be aplspec aroace who's in a QPR with John Watson

Answers if I were young: 1) Chicken nuggets 2) Pizza rolls 3) Jurassic Park 4) Inuyasha 5) Jeremy Thatcher the Dragon Hatcher 6) Party Rock Anthem by LMFAO 7) Wolf 8) Hide n' Seek 9) Writing 10) For butterflies to send messages to people Answers from me currently: 1) Mashed potatoes (or fries I can't decide) 2) Instant cup Ramen 3) Wolf Children (still makes me cry) 4) Sandman 5) Daughter of Smoke & Bone trilogy by Laini Taylor 6) This is actually so unfair because I love all kinds of music, but I guess for rn it's I Was Made For Loving You by KISS 7) Owl 8) Uno 9) Writing still! 10) Any soft food that has something somehow crunchy in it should be outlawed

My favorite "aro song" would probably have to be Call Me The Breeze by Lynryd Skynyrd. Initially the song is about the singer's traveling life in being a musician, and that his moving about and singlehood is mainly related to that, but as an aro it's a song that, for some reason, hits right on the spot for me with its lyrics? For anyone who hasn't heard this song before, a few lyrics that I'm talking about would be these: "Call me the breezeI keep blowin' down the roadWell now, they call me the breezeI keep blowin' down the roadI ain't got me nobodyI don't carry me no load" "Ain't no change in the weatherAin't no changes in meWell, there ain't no change in the weatherAin't no changes in meAnd I ain't hidin' from nobodyNobody's hidin' from me" ⬆️ This set of lyrics I just love because it's that mix of certainty and defiance, especially the next lyrics, "Oh, that's the way it's supposed to be"