aro_elise

the feminine mystique by betty friedan is great. i would consider it essential reading for any feminist (which should be everyone) but it's also interesting to look at it through the lens of amatonormativity: you really see how intertwined it is with sexism. and on the bright side, you see that though there's still a ways to go, we've come quite an astonishing way in 60 years.

ooh i vividly remember when i came out to my parents, though it was over 7 years ago. i was also nervous even though they're cool. give them the words, tell them what they mean. tell them this is how you feel--can give some detail about how you came to identify this way, how long it took to explore/accept, etc. to illustrate that it's not some whim. explain that it's an orientation, not an attitude/choice regarding relationships. (my mom said, without bad intentions, something to the effect that she "wasn't too worried about dating at 17 either". not the same as being aro.) maybe put it in terms they can understand, like "you know how you (mom) aren't attracted to men, and you (dad) aren't attracted to women? yeah, me either." lol something like that. and the last thing is not something which can happen in that one conversation: time. like, my parents have now seen me living my life as an aro person for many years, it's not just something i've said, it's something i've done. you know? best wishes.

cuddling and petting dogs and some other animals, yes! not humans because they're not cute (used as a synonym for 'hot' is obviously different, and i don't find babies/children cute)

you sound quite a bit like me. in other words, i mean, i can't be the one to decide this, but since you're asking i will say you sound like you could well be on the aro spectrum. really the only question is "do you experience romantic attraction?" another thing: any time someone talks about not understanding romance except as a combination of friendship and sex, that registers to me as a sign. because to alloromantics, it is a unique thing. (that's why "relationship"/"partner" and "friends with benefits" are different terms, for example, or even for allo aces, "partner" and "best friend".) what you said about sexual attraction and sex without love--i can absolutely relate, but what you said about the reverse, i can't, because for one thing, monogamy doesn't make sense to me so the situation of having a life partner with whom i didn't have sex and therefore couldn't at all wouldn't happen, and, more to the point, i wouldn't have a life partner at all because i'm aro and not interested in a qpr either (not sure whether you're familiar with the concept of queerplatonic relationships? i'd also suggest looking into that of relationship anarchy. and as @hemogoblin pointed out, aromanticism is not a prerequisite for these.) i "can't imagine falling in love with someone i don't want to have sex with" any more or less than i can imagine falling in love at all. i suppose i'm saying this in case it helps you realize anything about what those feelings mean in terms of your orientation, idk. as we always say here, it's ok not to choose an identity label or to choose one with the understanding that it could be temporary, but as i always say, i know having a way to describe it is helpful and being confident in it is nice. though either way you're ahead of me in terms of even hearing of aromanticism at that age. to be frank, i don't think a ton of people hear of it, feel a possible connection to it, research and introspect further, identify with it, and then turn out to be totally allo, just as not many actually straight people have such a period of questioning being gay for no reason. i guess stranger things have happened, but...well, just a thought. if i can be of any more help, i'd be glad to try.

What about pursuing sex with other people? That seems like the obvious solution to me but maybe there’s some reason that doesn’t work for your partner or you? In any case try not to feel guilty because like you said it’s not in your control and you’re respecting their boundaries.

i wanted to do a poll but i wasn't sure how to categorize. just curious how you guys feel about touch--what kinds, with whom, under what circumstances. i'll go first. basically, overall i'm neutral at best. like you know how for some people it's a "love language"--a way to express/receive affection, well, for me that doesn't really make sense. obviously anything in a romantic context is super uncomfortable, but as for platonic/familial, it mostly just feels unnecessary. occasional hugging, sure, if we're quite close. cuddling, no. someone putting their arm around me for comfort, no. if we're not close, anything feels kind of weird, like if an acquaintance touches my arm (you know how some people do that casually, as if to help convey what they're saying) i'll be a bit thrown off; it would never occur to me to do that. i suppose people may find it odd that i find these things rather too intimate but am favourable toward sexual acts including with strangers (as long as i'm attracted to them), but i don't see it as incongruous because they're totally different situations.

fashion design. like how soulmates are described--indeed, like how my best friend and i found each other--it felt like predestination rather than choice. i could list more but at some point on the scale from 'makes my heart glow' to 'mildly entertains me' i'll leave the 'passion' territory so i'll name just one more thing without which life would seem incomplete: travel.

they were the first band i got into, in 2015. my taste is heavier now but they'll always have a special place in my heart. i know all their stuff up to/including trench by heart. tyler's a great lyricist.

i don't think so but once my mom dreamt that the guy who lived next door at the time asked me out and i made some casually dismissive reply, like "nah"

quiz, those fun ones, like personality quizzes.

when a question in a quiz is about what you like in a partner or something and you're like...i can't answer this. like, i can name qualities i think all humans should have (kindness, honesty, decorum) but even if someone has those and more, i don't want them to be my partner. or you know the old question "which is more important, looks or personality?" it's like, for a friend, obviously personality; for a sexual partner, obviously looks. why are these in the same category? we often need an 'n/a' option.

soulmate--yes

no, you can't control how you feel or how others feel. like if someone's romantically attracted to you--also, why are they the poor guy and you the bad guy? why is their desire to date you more important than your desire, whether it be for friendship or nothing? two people wanting different things is no one's fault. and as others pointed out, this also happens with allos, in fact it's the most likely situation. what matters is how you treat people. so even if i'm sexually attracted to someone without caring about them, that in itself isn't harming them (the example who first comes to mind isn't even alive); purposeful actions like sexual harassment, misleading someone about your feelings toward them, or otherwise disrespecting their feelings/boundaries are harmful things which i would obviously never do. and again, some allos do those things, including sometimes when they're romantically attracted to the person. when everyone's on the same page, even if it's with "no emotion," sex is not wrong. (sorry if it's tmi but some partners will be more than ok with you just seeing them as a sex toy.) point is, aromanticism isn't evil; no orientation carries any moral value one way or the other.

yeah, know that the idea that life without romantic relationships is worse comes from amatonormativity. if you want to, you can be in a relationship that's like one in every way except for the presence of romantic attraction. and even besides relationships of any kind, there's joy in so many things. honestly i love being aro precisely because of how free it makes me feel. but the biggest point i want to make is that i'm confident you'll feel differently in time. i struggled to come to terms with my aromanticism too, but now, 7 or 8 years on, i've been perfectly happy for a while.

true, the same way the definition of being a-spec is a lack of attraction, nothing about favourability toward romance/sex (which is obviously the point of this), the definition of being allo is just the presence of attraction. i'm not sure the chart could cover all of that, but yeah, some of the phrasing could be different. i feel like instead of looking for a quotation which matches how you feel (there is the disclaimer about them), you should just look for the intersection which does. also i just realized 'allosexuality' is probably yellow because of the allo aro flag. (i noticed the green and purple immediately, of course.)

generally makes sense. a5.

sounds like sex-favourable ace. if you don't experience sexual attraction, yeah, that's what it comes down to.