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aro_elise

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Everything posted by aro_elise

  1. interesting, i kind of assumed most aros did. i definitely do.
  2. haha yeah. i'd never considered that i might be anything other than straight because i thought it was synonymous with heterosexual, nothing else to it. one day i just stumbled upon explanations of aromanticism and split attraction and thought "hmm. interesting." and so it began.
  3. not going to pride this yearย ๐Ÿ˜•ย  i'm working, and i have no one to go with.ย  are you guys going?

    1. aro_elise

      aro_elise

      last year i went with my friend and her uni friends, one of whom is actually aro, but this year she's going with her family, and again, i don't want to antagonize my new employer.ย  it's chill, though, i don't mind not going every year.

  4. @Apathetic Echidna ash hardell? and i've seen a post somewhere by a woman who identifies as queer and polyamorous but not aro-spec--while she has mostly casual romantic/sexual relationships, she lives with her longtime qpp. she did use that term, but not 'squish,' but you know, it was clear she experiences queerplatonic attraction.
  5. just aesthetic attraction things: i saw a gorgeous woman at a party and said to my mom "she's so pretty!"ย  though i've told her i'm definitely not, she may think i'm bisexual.ย  it's far from the first time i've observed a lovely lady.ย ย ๐Ÿ˜†ย  but wow, she sure was.

  6. 1. i don't really know what to say to that; to me, attraction is just something which exists (whether or not i experience a certain type), whether i like it or not. if you mean distinguishing types of attraction then yes, i define four types: romantic, which of course i don't experience, and sexual, platonic, and aesthetic, which i do. i don't separate sensual, since for me, certain things which tend to fall under that are romantic and others are sexual (and hugging is platonic), so i just sort them into those categories. 2. yeah, it makes sense to me. i definitely like people in a platonic way and i do get squishes; it's not always clear where to draw the line between a squish and the less intense "they're fun, i wouldn't mind talking to them" that everyone (like, allos) gets, but i don't think it really matters. i don't call it part of my orientation, though--like, if i gave it a prefix it would be pan, but i feel like that's the case for pretty much everyone. it's just nice to be able to understand how i like a certain person, like before i knew about aromanticism, let alone squishes, when i'd get them on girls, i never thought the attraction was romantic or sexual, never doubted my heterosexuality, just thought "huh, she sure is cool. crazy." (same with aesthetic attraction towards girls: "she sure is pretty. yup, that's that.") i knew what i was feeling, i just didn't know what to call it. of course i'd get squishes on guys, too, and if it was only platonic i'd think the same thing, but if it was also sexual (or whatever you'd call it when you're a kid, you know, thinking they're cute), i might mistakenly think it was a crush. so yeah, my discovery of the world of aromanticism and relevant terms was useful in many ways. 3. well, i've explained what i consider attraction, so i guess anything besides those four are...not. love, to me, is a feeling; i wouldn't say i love a squish, and sexual or aesthetic attraction certainly wouldn't lead to love. rather, i love very close, longtime friends and family members. so the only time attraction could lead to love is if it's platonic and we end up developing a special relationship of that nature. (of course i might also find that person beautiful, for instance, but that's not a factor in why i love them.) actually, there is an exception to that: longtime celebrity squishes who mean a lot to me for whatever reason, even if we've never met; i love a few of them. well, what other feelings might be within this realm? admiration...sure, i can admire someone's talent, intellect, character, etc. without being attracted to them, or it could be part of the reason for my attraction, probably platonic. but i guess i consider attractions to be types of feelings, anyway, just a distinct class of them.
  7. found the term at 16, went from denial through various stages of uncertainty, to acceptance around 8 months later, at 17. so that's when i count it, when i first said to myself 'ok, i'm going to identify as aromantic,' even though it still felt kind of daunting so i told myself i didn't have to stick to it or tell anyone. i became more and more comfortable with it, and my first coming-outs (boyfriend and parents) were about 5 months later. i can point to a couple other significant events along my journey; as i'm sure you all know, it's not a single, definite moment. or maybe it is for some, i don't know. but yeah, 17.
  8. that does sound like my experience. especially if she's heterosexual, or bi/pan i guess, she might assume her romantic orientation was concordant, or even be unfamiliar with the concept of romantic orientation. and in any case, enjoying your company and friendship (possibly a squish, sure) could have led her to believe dating was a logical next step...part of the idea of amatonormativity (basically the idea that romantic relationships are the most important type and are necessary for happiness), which is not separate from heteronormativity. and yeah, i kept trying to make it work, i thought i just had to get used to it, but i never did. i'm glad to hear that you're taking an interest in her possible aromanticism while acknowledging that it's up to her to label it or not, and continuing your friendship.
  9. i get it, i would hate to lose a friend that way. i actually had this friend, i'd told him i was aro at some point (it just came up randomly), and several months later he told me he was "interested in [me]" and asked me on a date, saying that he understood i wouldn't feel the same way. so we went on the date, which was just like a dinner between friends, and then kept being friends. now he has a girlfriend and i've moved to a different building and we've pretty much drifted apart. more recently, i complimented a random girl on campus on her band hoodie (always a good thing to bond over, imo) and we started talking and exchanged numbers. partway through, i got the impression that she was flirting with me but hoped i was just paranoid (but the signs were pretty clear). she later texted me asking if i wanted to "go out or hang out," even suggesting a gay bar, and i wildly improvised a lie about having a boyfriend, for some reason, but agreed to get coffee with her. i was a bit disappointed because i'd hoped we could be friends. so i worry, when i try to strike up friendships or even casual conversations, that i might inadvertently give someone the wrong impression. and yeah, what with allos developing romantic attraction over longer periods of time in some cases, it's not like i can relax or whatever once a platonic relationship has been well established, even if i am out to them--see anecdote 1. it kinda sucks, tbh.
  10. cool, i'll be 21 on sunday! close birthdays.
  11. same, 'cause they supposedly go together, right, so i was like 'ok i guess that's what's going on.' though it helped (if confusion is helpful) if i also liked them platonically, like i thought finding someone hot was the difference between wanting to be their friend and wanting to date them. not that i consciously thought about it much before discovering aromanticism.
  12. welcome! that group sounds like fun, i'd go if there were one where i live.
  13. same, i love their friendship. i already have an amazing best friend but yeah, they're great together. and i know i've said this but dan is my #1 celeb squish. i'd go allo for him ๐Ÿ˜† jokes, i just love him a lot
  14. surely romantic attraction's been around--can you manufacture a feeling?--but it wasn't a big thing. like these days the feeling exists but the hype/amatonormativity is what makes it such a big deal. like people are thinking about it and actively looking to date or find their soulmate or whatever, so there are more chances for romantic attraction to occur, i guess. back then they had the feeling but not the hype. although it is interesting that there's an ancient greek myth (mentioned in plato's symposium) which basically says we were all born as these creatures with 4 legs and stuff and those split apart into two people, and the other person is your soulmate (literal other half). that was not a pro explanation but i believe that's the gist.
  15. @DeltaV i love hitchcock movies, i've seen like 20! my favourite is dial m for murder.
  16. i like that; i'm heterosexual but i'd feel equally uncomfortable being romantic with any gender. and it may be a good way for allos to conceptualize it. i'm also a big fan of close friendship, but wouldn't marry anyone. and what i thought were crushes (on guys) in the past were actually squishes (sometimes with sexual attraction). the funny thing is, i get squishes on girls too but i never mistook them for crushes; i just thought they were cool/i wanted to be their friend, and i was right. i just didn't make the connection in terms of my attraction to guys. anyway, welcome!
  17. i have dysthymia too, i usually just say depression because it is a type of it and most people will understand better. but yeah, that storyline...yikes. it's also romanticized in the sense that, like, the mentally ill character (usually depressed or alcoholic, in the 1930s-60s movies i watch) is seen as mysterious and melancholy and intriguing--the other character sees it as a sort of challenge to uncover their secrets and fix them. like no, you want intrigue? read a mystery novel. want a project? clean your house. i feel like it's similar to how aros are seen, like "oh, they're cold, probably afraid of falling in love, but i can get them to open up and trust me--" stop. want a challenge? run a marathon. i am not something to be overcome by someone who wants me but not the way i am. getting off-topic but i mean to say that it supposedly works both ways--the depressed/aro character gets "cured" and the other one gets entertainment and achievement. and it leads to people thinking like that in real life.
  18. at 20 i'm in shorts, a t-shirt, and flip-flops and i'm comfortable, at 25 i'm uncomfortable and lethargic but will still go to the beach as long as i don't have to be out of the water for too long, at 30 i'm in my shaded but not air-conditioned cottage/yard, lying down with a cold cloth on my face and a cold drink. i'll sleep with only a sheet, the cloth, and difficulty. if i have to go outside, i will complain and bring lots of sunscreen and water. i once made the mistake of travelling to barcelona in june. to be fair, school doesn't give me much of a window. i'm not sure i've ever experienced 40. at 15 i'm comfortable in jeans and a t-shirt, at 10 i'll add a sweater or light jacket, around 5 or 0 i'll switch it for my winter coat, and in the negatives i'll add a sweater, hat, mittens, and boots and still go for a walk, skate, or ski. i might complain at -10 or -15, and prefer to be inside with a fire and tea. it rarely reaches -20. i'd take the -5, i've never experienced -30. quebec's nice btw. good skiing, unlike ontario. winter is my favourite season so it's usually between 5 and -15 but it's easier not to wear outerwear so like 10 to 20. i picked 15 and less.
  19. i am always hesitant to come out, but the alternative feels kind of dishonest, like i could just say i'm straight and single at the moment, but then also what will they ask next, like when was i last in a relationship? over 3 years ago? hmm... and like with my more long-term therapists i've felt like it's pretty important to share, if nothing else then so that if they are disrespectful or whatever, i can address it or find someone else. i know, i'd think they should be more worried about people like that. yeah, i'm not ace-spec or opposed to hook-ups in the future but for now i want it to be someone i know better, but yeah if they were romantically attracted to me i'd be uncomfortable, ahhh idk. i'm just playing it by ear, as in, like, doing nothing.
  20. i had a psychiatric assessment yesterday (recently had a bit of a mental health crisis, not important), so there was a social worker who did most of the talking, a psychiatrist whose purpose was supposedly just to prescribe me an appropriate medication, and a recent grad who was just observing. anyway, at one point they asked my sexual orientation and whether i was in a relationship, so i told them, and they had a lot of questions and comments. i had to explain aromanticism and how it's different from asexuality. they asked whether i'd ever been in a relationship so i tried to sum up in a minute what a bad experience it was (just because i'm aro; he was great) and added that "i haven't been in a sexual relationship because then it would have to be sexual and romantic and i...can't do that. but i also don't want to just like...ugh, it's complicated." at this point the psychiatrist interjected by saying that a sexual and romantic relationship is an important part of life and basically implied that it would lessen my depression, when i'd just explained how the opposite was true. i said "i would have to disagree. i'm quite happy with my life the way it is." he said "ok" but was clearly not satisfied. i also found it interesting that despite my having expressed a mild interest in making more friends (but i couldn't be bothered), they did not agree that that would improve my life. i wonder whether they would have made such a big deal about me being single if i weren't aro, like if i just didn't happen to be dating at the moment. i told my dad afterwards and he was surprised and disappointed that they reacted like that; i was disappointed but not surprised. i told him "everyone says that. i'm used to it." (most of the mental health professionals i've seen, i mean, but obviously people in general too.) he said "that's like telling an asexual: 'go have some sex.'" i informed him that people do suggest that, and reflected that "if i'd been asexual, he (the psychiatrist) would have had a wig-out." i added that my aromanticism is "always my least favourite thing to bring up (to health care professionals). they're like, 'so, are you in a relationship?' and i'm like, 'oh, here we go.'" so yeah. i'll be doing a few therapy sessions with the social worker; i hope she'll let me talk about my depression instead of my aromanticism. ๐Ÿ™ƒ
  21. i'm more sure i'm aro than i am about most things in life. when i first found out about it at 16, it seemed to fit but i told myself i couldn't be sure because it might change, especially since i'd never been in a relationship. i tried to put it out of my mind but it was still there. i started dating a friend and told myself i just had to get used to it, but in 8 months i never did. i always felt like i was playing a role for which i hadn't prepared. romantic activity felt unnecessary if not uncomfortable, and our return to friendship was a great relief. and i know you said you've had relationships but you don't even need that to know--as i say, i think i kind of already knew. if you think it might be related to commitment, consider whether that's the case in other types of relationships. my best friend and i have been friends for almost 15 years and i know we will be for the rest of our lives. i love her very much, and i feel that our bond and commitment are stronger than those of people in even what would be considered a fairly long-term romantic relationship, like a few years. i'ts not that i want to make a romantic commitment but am afraid to; it's that i don't want to. and it's not the length or amount of time i would spend with a romantic partner which is the issue; it's the 'romantic' part--i don't want to date someone for a week or even a single date either. i'm also poly, again not because i believe i should limit myself to being attracted to/being in a relationship (qpr or whatever) with one person but can't; but because i don't believe i necessarily should. a lot of that is tied together for me. but of course there are mono aros and poly allos. i do think, though, that relating to the sentiments of other aros and not relating to allos are good indicators when there isn't really a way to "prove it"--it's like, this makes sense.
  22. there is always that decision of whether or not to use the word, and it depends on the situation for me, but mostly i do, because that's what you'd do for any other orientation. like i haven't heard anyone say they're interested in relationships with people of more than one gender; they say they're bi/pan. for us it will usually involve some more explaining but i am generally happy to do that. because that's how i found out about aromanticism, right--i read about it, and if someone hadn't put that out there, who knows how long i would have not known and what that could have led to. so it's good for (questioning) aros as well as allos. but of course whether and how you come out is a personal decision.
  23. cool, glad you like it. ๐Ÿ™‚
  24. my friend (possibly ace-spec) asked about different types of attraction and i explained them and QPRs.ย ย ๐Ÿ˜Š

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