aro_elise
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Everything posted by aro_elise
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Me trying to find the AroAllo Representation
aro_elise replied to whatistheromance's topic in Aromantic Pride and Culture
like, almost every piece of fiction media not specifically for young children. not knowing where to begin with modern stuff, i can think of examples in 100-year-old novels (fitzgerald, hemingway, huxley, camus, kerouac), 75-year-old movies (even if i try to narrow it down to the most overt examples in the most famous films there are too many to list but i'll name 'peyton place' because it has a character i clearly identified as allo aro), and 50-year-old sitcoms (with examples in more episodes than not: the bob newhart show, the mary tyler moore show, the partridge family). this is just coming from one person with one approximate decade of consumption of adult/teen media. characters making comments about people being hot, checking them out, flirting, references to sex.... i must say i'm surprised; i thought aces were more acutely aware of the ubiquity of sexuality in media (as i am of romance). -
Me trying to find the AroAllo Representation
aro_elise replied to whatistheromance's topic in Aromantic Pride and Culture
sex doesn't have to be shown. i generally agree that modern tv could lay off with that a bit. (i'll refrain from delivering my "i love old movies and shows" rant here.) but if you're old enough to know sex exists, you're old enough to know that people with various sexual and romantic orientations exist. you wouldn't consider the idea of a portrayal of a gay or bi character inappropriate or dirty, any more than a straight one, and it doesn't become that when they're also aromantic. that's exactly the view of allo aros we want to discourage. i'm sure you've seen depictions of sexual attraction (including non-romantic) without explicit sex scenes. so take that and add a clear demonstration of aromanticism. in fact, in a way it's beneficial to show that attraction doesn't equal action--you don't only become [whatever sexual orientation] when you have sex with [applicable gender(s)]. but of course to completely avoid any acknowledgement that people do have sex isn't the way to go either. -
i like lilies. i actually have an aro-related story involving them. back in the day, my boyfriend remembered i'd said i liked them and got them for me on our semi-anniversary. later, when we'd broken up and i'd come out to my parents, my mom was trying to understand and asked me whether i didn't think that was sweet (the lily thing). i said "well...no more than if anyone else had gotten them for me". i'd thought that was obvious but she was surprised. anyway, i like lots of flowers and plants.
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born. this is just what my romantic and sexual orientation happened to be, always have been.
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so i'm in a facebook group for women in my city to like, make friends/do stuff together, and someone posts that she's "seeking some successful ladies who are in happy, healthy relationships and looking to expand their social circle" and i'm like, ?? why do they have to be in relationships? like yeah you're free to pick the criteria for your own friendships; i just...don't understand.
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QuoteMaybe she wants to do couple-related activities, like double-dates or something?
wow, you're more positive than me. my thought was 'oh shit, pyramid scheme'. like she was targetting 'successful' women with husband's money to throw at stuff, but with a safe sounding post.
maybe thats just my cynicism towards local facebook groups though.
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my best friend and i sometimes hang out with these other 2 girls and in the group chat one girl said that the guy she's been seeing is now her bf and the other girl said she should "spread that (success in getting a partner) to the rest of us" and i'm thinking, speak for yourself lol
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i totally get what you mean. i also feel like when people learn our orientations they kind of see our aromanticism as irrelevant, or secondary to our sexual orientation (no matter what it is), even if we actually feel it to be the other way around. and i also feel particularly connected to the aro community and our "philosophy," and i relate more to aro aces than heteroromantic heterosexuals, overall. though i do use two labels, i put 'aro' first. i suppose you could use just 'aro' and 'aro and ace' alternately depending on the situation. but maybe you're thinking more about how to identify in your own head? i understand that. i think there isn't really a better way to see what feels right than just to...see what feels right, you know, like try thinking of yourself as just aro and see whether it sticks. same thing we did when we first came to identify how we do, right, well, what i did. but you're right that hearing from other people who identify that way is helpful too. you guys are awesome, see, it's stuff like this why i love it here.
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well there is no romantic attraction, so nothing to separate. do you mean how do we know it's not romantic? based on my understanding of what romantic attraction is, you know, i can't relate. and personally, no, there's never anything emotional about it, but that might not be true of all of us.
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yeah tbh i often wonder whether people (any orientations) would be so quick to emphasize that non-romantic sex "isn't necessarily one-night stands" and similar sentiments if not for the existing general perceptions of certain types of relationships; really, i believe disdain for sex without romantic affection/commitment and disdain for sex without any affection/commitment aren't so different. it's still amatonormativity. it feels like when allo aces try to appeal to aphobics by proudly proclaiming that they "can still love". obviously i understand that stating your own preference or explaining that it applies to a number of people doesn't inherently equate to taking a moral stance. but you know what i mean?
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well, like anyone else, the type of attraction/feelings i have toward a person dictates the type of relationship/activities i want with them. i'm never romantically attracted to anyone, so i don't want to date anyone. if i'm sexually attracted to someone, i want to have sex with them. if i like someone's personality, i want to spend time with them as friends. it's possible that i might have both these feelings toward the same person, but they'd still be unrelated. in such a case, if he only wanted one of those things, that would be fine, i can always have the other one with other people. in sexual situations i don't experience emotions (i don't consider sexual excitement and attraction to be emotions), even if i do in other situations with the same person. this is just me though. and yes, some people have problems with casual sex or whatever, but they're not my problems.
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bisexual and assuming you're a guy, homoromantic
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my best friend is seeing this guy who lives kind of far away so they agreed to "keep it casual" but she's sure she's going to "catch feelings" and whenever she talks about it i have no idea what to say (she knows)
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Allosexuality and Aromanticicm
aro_elise replied to Storm_leopardcat's topic in Aromantic Discussion
in fact, in a poll on here about sexual orientation, 30% were ace and 36% were allo (hetero-, homo-, bi-, or pansexual), the rest identifying as ace-spec, queer, or questioning. i'd be interested to know the distribution for all the aros in the world--i'd actually guess, if you count the people who don't even know they're aro, like they're not familiar with it, an even higher percentage would be allosexual. you know, 'cause if you're aroace, you're probably more likely to figure that out, because you're more likely to hear of asexuality (which would likely lead you to aromanticism) and also because of the complete lack of attraction it would be harder to write it off as anything else, whereas for example a heterosexual aro might just think they were straight and look no further. wouldn't you say? i appreciate the allyship though. (can i just say, @nonmerci, yours is the best i've ever seen. i noticed a long time ago that you consistently show support for allo aros even when that's not the main point of the discussion.) a high level of awareness and empathy concerning experiences you don't share is pretty rare. i'm sure i lack that in many respects. -
yeah especially when i was like 16 i'd totally have platonic and sexual attraction even to book characters. with tv characters of course their appearance is that of the actor, so it's not entirely fictional. i guess my feelings about some characters and celebrities too were almost crush-like. it's probably a universal teen thing.
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How are you guys going to celebrate Halloween?
aro_elise replied to queer_kaleidoscope's topic in Off Topic
friday night i went to a party with some new friends and tonight my best friend/roommate and i are hosting a little thing. that's two chances to trot out my costume with which i'm thrilled but which no one gets. (inspired by the 1981 horror movie 'my bloody valentine,' i'm a bloody valentine--i made a big heart-shaped thing, sewed lace around it and a ribbon to wear it around my neck, stamped the poem from the movie onto it, and i do era-accurate hair and makeup, and blood effects.) and i've been watching lots of horror movies this month. this morning was 'the cabinet of dr. caligari' (1920). -
mine's not unusual, it's arachnophobia. it's quite severe though, like there are countries i can never visit, movies i can't watch. even the little guys, photos, decorations, etc. cause at minimum a brief panic reaction. once i spotted what i quickly realized was just a crab--still cried from the shock. always great when people make fun of it, too.
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lmao someone emailed me and addressed me as luna, then sent a follow-up email apologizing for the wrong name but ironically addressed that one to elsie. well, she's getting closer.
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currently reading this side of paradise by f. scott fitzgerald--i think he was terrific. i read mostly classics and i can't really name a genre in particular, kind of just slice of life, you know. i don't know what to choose as my all-time favourites but the best thing i read recently was the strange case of dr. jekyll and mr. hyde by robert louis stevenson.
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i have 3 baby teeth! let's see, 3 other things... -gifted (so my classmates were mostly the same from grade 5-12) -vegan (about 2% of canadians are) -love travel, been to 21 countries and going for 100 (half the world) in my life
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i don't like it either. ideally, people's feelings toward me would be the same as mine toward them, whether that's platonic, sexual, or no attraction. i never want anyone to be romantically attracted to me. the only thing i appreciate in any case is purely aesthetic attraction. and no, you don't owe anyone anything. what they want is not more important than what you want.
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*mildly nsfw* guys i'm cursed. ok so last month i was supposed to have these guys over for a threesome and got ghosted (we got as far as agreeing on a day--last thing i said was a time, no response). then a platonic date to a concert ghosted me (i had an amazing time anyway, i usually go alone). and finally this guy and i had actually agreed to meet at this bar tonight (hookup implied) and he stood me up. i hope it's true that things come in threes and not more.
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i'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you didn't mean to sound critical of me when it's clearly the other people who behaved rudely. i believe i take rejection better than the vast majority of people--for instance, if i asked someone to do something with me and they said no, i would accept it without a second thought--but to say yes, even to be the one to ask me, to show enthusiasm, to make the commitment, and then disappear without a trace, is simply rude. four people in a row (one was a woman btw). the point isn't that the planned activities didn't happen, but that they were planned. again, if you don't want to do something, don't suggest/agree to it. if you do and then change your mind, text me. i'm not in deep distress lol but i am disappointed by the seemingly universal lack of basic manners and i don't think that makes me unreasonable. my friends agree. and i certainly don't blame myself. now i've said everything about it that i'd like to, and more.
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i agree, that seems so unlikely. my grandma actually apparently said something similar, how most of the time it's not mutual. i think the same thing about sexual attraction. some people have higher standards than others, though, like my best friend (allo) has never been in a relationship, whereas some people will jump at the chance to date anyone they don't find completely off-putting. idk man.
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ooh can't relate. i'm ridiculously picky. attraction or lack thereof completely overrides my sex favourability. i'm continually shocked by how many people are apparently either attracted to a substantial percentage of people or willing to have sex with them even if they're not. and of course i would never expect someone to be attracted to me, even though i think i'm very pretty, everyone has different tastes--rejection doesn't offend me whatsoever. don't get me wrong, sexual attraction is frustrating...like, i love watching the partridge family except for the thorough regret that i can't go back in time and fuck david cassidy. also i'll only enjoy porn if i'm attracted to both guys. yeah i definitely agree that sexual orientation is defined by attraction.
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that's hard to answer as it's a gradual thing. i found boys cute by like, 7, but i'm not sure when exactly it became sexual attraction, as such...i guess i started having sexual thoughts around 13-15, but i wasn't considering actually having sex then. around 16 began my excitement at the idea of two attractive guys together sexually, which i mention because it's still a significant part of my sexuality. like my sexual fantasies would be about that rather than something involving me, and i started watching gay porn at 18. for a while i wasn't in any rush to have sex, and what i had--and still have--is rather a lack of opportunity, due partly to my being very particular in terms of who i'm sexually attracted to and partly to my not dating. eventually i wanted to enough that i began to pursue it (but still not enough that i'd choose to have sex with someone i wasn't substantially attracted to). i guess that brings us up to now. i'm 24. btw i tried to phrase this somewhat delicately but if you have any follow-up questions, however personal, i'd be glad to answer.
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well sure, as a kid i guess i figured i'd date and get married. i'd say learning about aromanticism made me realize i didn't experience romantic attraction (though i didn't quite accept it then), and being in a romantic relationship (not long after) made me realize i didn't want that. and i began to see that i could be single forever and still have close relationships in the form of friendships, and still have sex. it was kind of several separate-but-interconnected, gradual realizations.
