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Everything posted by aro_elise

  1. This is personal but I had sex for the first time (with my ex-bf and current friend, who knows I’m aro), and later when we were going to sleep he put his hand on my waist and kissed my shoulder and I thought ‘yeah, this isn’t working for me’.  I had a feeling this is where split attraction would get tricky.  I hope it gets easier. 

    1. Eklinaar


      I hope it was a good experience otherwise.  I'd say that's a good sign of where to create some boundaries.

    2. aro_elise


      It was fine.  We agreed not to be sexually involved anymore—stuff’s just too complicated between us, we’re good as friends.  But with future partners, yeah, establishing that stuff will be important. 

  2. they can be. i'd say all friendships are platonic relationships but not all platonic relationships are friendships. because 'relationship' can have different connotations. on one hand, they may lack something friendships have, like closeness. like how a professional relationship is one between colleagues, pro and client, etc. and a familial relationship is one between family members, even extended, and not necessarily a close or positive relationship. so i might say an acquaintance and i have a platonic relationship, since it's not quite friendship but it's not any other type. (i might refer to them as my friend for simplicity's sake.) on the other hand, 'relationship' could be used in the sense of like 'being in a relationship,' like a qpr. of course that's also difficult to define, but i believe we can pretty much agree it's different from friendship. so someone might say "(qpp) and i are in a relationship; (friend) and i are not". and that relationship may have something friendships tend to lack, like exclusivity, commitment, cohabitation, more physical affection...mostly things generally associated with romantic relationships, as i understand. i will say that i have or want most of those things with my best friend but wouldn't call her my qpp because first of all, i don't consider the latter term to necessarily indicate higher importance than the former, and second, i don't think it matters what we call it, regardless. but yeah, basically i consider 'platonic relationship' to describe a wider range of relationships than 'friendship'.
  3. yup. i can't exactly relate to either group. and idk how to like, satisfy both aspects of my orientation. i suppose that's a split attraction thing. i also imagine we experience aromanticism differently from aro aces.
  4. yes, i feel loved most of all by myself, also by my best friend, and other friends and family. i do find it odd that that's such a common reassurance because to me it was never a concern, but i guess for many people it is? i think my problem with it is that i don't think it should be emphasized as a reason to consider oneself worthy (as @LBMango mentioned) or to stay alive, etc. i mean, one of my reasons is that i want to share my life with my best friend, but not the only one, and idk, the phrasing seems weird, like i wouldn't say life is worth living ~because she loves me~. like i'm not depressed because i don't feel loved or worthy, i'm just depressed.
  5. same! i never thought about my future husband, just the wedding. i still do imagine what kind i'd like. i just love fancy parties and stuff. the venue, the flowers, the champagne. and i'm a future fashion designer and i'd love to design and wear a beautiful wedding dress. i'd choose a winter wedding, it's my favourite season, i think the snow is so lovely. and i'd have it in some grand ballroom, or hey, since it's hypothetical, why not a palace? someplace in europe, i suppose; we don't really have them here. oh, it would be the most delightful affair. well, i suppose it would cost a few million dollars, so even if i were to get married... that's true. obviously i want an extravagant and expensive event, but i'll take what i can get. but you know, i do think it's rather unfair that people get wedding gifts, like nice dishes and stuff, but single people don't. surely they need them more, since they don't have a partner's finances to share? and then there are bridal showers and bachelorette parties and baby showers (i'm thinking of the stuff for women) and more gifts. and honeymoons.
  6. just thinking about if i didn't know i was aro, how unhappy i'd be.  this community saved me.

  7. i know how you feel, it's very unfortunate and rather confusing that people feel the need to argue with something which doesn't concern them. you're not trying to tell them how to feel, so why should they do that to you? it's no more more likely that i'll be romantically attracted to a man one day than be romantically or sexually attracted to a woman, or that these jokers picking on us--assuming they're straight--will be attracted to a woman. i think it's hard for them to understand split attraction, but that doesn't mean it doesn't exist. i don't understand romantic attraction, but i believe people experience it, just not me. if that upsets other people so much, that's their problem. i know it's annoying to not be taken seriously, i hate it too, but if you know yourself and what you want, that's what matters.
  8. i've been there. it's important to understand that someone else's feelings for you are absolutely not your fault. if you wanted to be friends with someone and they didn't, would you blame them? would they blame you? i mean, i think i'm a grand friend to have, but i can't be everyone's cup of tea. it's very rare that two people have identical feelings toward each other. it's better that you broke up with him sooner rather than later, like i did; sacrificing your comfort and leading him to believe you wanted to stay together would have been worse for both of you. i agree that his reaction was disproportionate to the duration of your relationship; i don't consider someone to be close to me until we've known each other for at least a couple years, and even then, if we don't stay in each other's lives forever, well, what can you expect? i'm sure you'll both find someone more compatible with you and what you want in a relationship.
  9. and not every aromantic is asexual. everyone has a sexual and romantic orientation, which may or may not be the same. when i watched that episode (i already identified as aro) and i heard the word 'aromantic' i had to pause it and scream. i didn't think i'd hear it on tv in my lifetime. you can be aro and polyamorous! i am.
  10. ok, first i must emphasize that aromanticism is not a "problem or insecurity"; it's an orientation. in fact, if you need to "feel better about yourself" because your girlfriend has a life outside of her relationship with you, that sounds rather like insecurity on your part. she doesn't experience romantic attraction and there's nothing you or anyone else can do about it. she may well love you, but not romantically, so you have to decide whether you're ok with that. and to me--and probably every other aro--it makes perfect sense that someone she's been close to for only a few months wouldn't be as important as her longtime friends; if you were, her friends would be justified in feeling quite offended. if you want my honest perspective, i don't think the relationship is going to work. speaking from experience, i had a boyfriend for 8 months, he's a great guy, we were friends before and we're friends still, but while we were dating i was super distant and uncomfortable with romantic affection. most people would have dumped me pretty quickly (and maybe that would have been better) but he just accommodated my needs, or lack thereof. 6 months in i told him i was aro (i'd been struggling to accept it myself before then) and he tried even more earnestly to understand and make sure i was comfortable with everything we did. he did everything right and i still couldn't deal with it. now, as i say, this was a time when i was struggling with my feelings about my identity, whereas now that i'm comfortable with it and i know my boundaries and everything, i would be better able to navigate a non-platonic relationship if i wanted to. so my optimistic perspective on your situation is that if both of you want to make it work then it's worth a try. and my advice to anyone in any type of relationship is to communicate. sorry if this sounded rude--that's never my intention--but i imagine you didn't come here expecting someone to offer a magical solution in which you change your girlfriend but not yourself and everyone's happy about it. best wishes.
  11. i think that's an artist thing; i'm in fashion design and i feel the same way. i was born for this, i've always known, and i can't imagine my life without it. the thing i'm most upset about missing due to not getting married is designing and wearing my dress. i also find it sad when people choose their career just for money, stability, etc. and say "work isn't something you're supposed to like"--yes it is, wtf!
  12. ethical vegan for over 4 years, veg for 10 before that. the transition was the best decision of my life.
  13. my lecture focused on queer theory today, and during discussion, i threw in a casual reference to romantic orientation by saying "cisgender, heterosexual, and heteroromantic".  i also included a line about my aromanticism in the brief reflection we had to hand in.  just sneaking stuff in there. 

  14. a fellow old movie fan, cool! i keep track of all the movies from 1925-75 i've seen, with a goal of reaching 500, and i've already surpassed 100. do you have a favourite movie, actor, director, or anything?
  15. i'm glad it went well and that you feel better. i remember feeling similarly--relief is the first word which comes to mind--and i cried. my mom thought it was from sadness. well, i'm glad i could help. don't feel too badly for her; it's not your fault.
  16. hey, i've been there. relationship, confusion, discomfort, semi-panic, and all. i can't tell you what the case is for you personally but i can offer some ideas. 1. sounds aro to me. the main indicator is that you didn't seem to mind platonic intimacy. also, speaking just of the romantic sort, i understand 'fear of intimacy' to mean you desire it but have difficulty engaging in it--there's a sort of conflict--whereas in your case you don't seem to desire it in the first place, and when engaging in it or seeing it you seem more uncomfortable and confused than anything else. that's me for sure. i like to make the same distinction when people think aros are just afraid of commitment. first of all, my best friend and i have been friends since we were 6 and have promised to be for life--that seems pretty committed. second, if we're talking about romantic relationships, it's not that i want to commit to one but struggle to--i simply don't want one, committed or otherwise. 2. pretty much just tell her how you feel. if you have decided to identify as aromantic, i would suggest saying so and explaining the meaning. even if you're not sure, i suppose. then talk about what that means for you specifically, like what you're uncomfortable with. most importantly, assure her you do like her and want to be friends, it's just your orientation and feelings about romantic relationships in general. this is what i did when i told my boyfriend at the time--actually, we continued dating for a couple months after (idk man, it was a complicated time), and when we broke up, i reiterated that it wasn't specifically him i didn't want to date, it was everyone--anyway, i think it was good. as good as it could have been. if your girlfriend does indeed love and care about you she'll appreciate your honesty, respect your orientation and feelings, and want to maintain your friendship. i definitely think it's best to be honest, and to do it sooner rather than later. good luck.
  17. i see what you mean, actually, i don't consider my sexuality that important either. being interested in guys is kind of like being moderately interested in other things, like, not my favourite things, but things i like. your sport analogy works--for example, i like skiing but i don't do it often; it's not a big part of my life, but when i see a nice mountain i think i'd like to ski there.
  18. depression. i also put neurodiverse (although i think it's 'neurodivergent') because it's defined as having a brain which functions differently from an average, healthy brain. with chronic depression, that's what's happening. and about 7% of people have it. if that weren't enough, i'm gifted, which only about 2% of people are. so that's unhealthy, and above average.
  19. yeah, aromantic heterosexual. when i don't feel like coming out i just say straight, but people who know me well know that's not quite it. as i said in my poll, the two parts of my identity are quite distinct from each other, but also, like, i'm very aro and very heterosexual, like on the ends of the respective spectrums, so it's like, how else would i possibly identify? both labels fit me perfectly.
  20. interesting, i wondered whether there would be anyone like that. you know, i was in this club in high school called spectrum, like a gsa. one time, asexuality and aromanicism came up--i wasn't out, i believe this was during my denial period--and the club leader (student teacher, straight) asked the difference. i tried to explain, talking about the different types of attraction, and she just said "to me it's the same." and i was thinking '???'
  21. i call myself straight, like in my head, but i'm hesitant to say it to others. my friend--the only person irl who has my permission to call me straight--has called me "straight but not" as well as "queer". she's gay btw. i'd be interested to hear whether any aros have the same problems with terms like gay, lesbian, bi, or pan.
  22. i'm curious about your experiences with this, so please vote and comment! i'm not sure how well i phrased the questions and options, though; you'll see why when i list and explain my own answers: 1. i've always been sure of my sexual orientation. i've always identified as completely heterosexual, never questioned it. even when i experienced squishes or aesthetic attraction toward girls but didn't even know what to call them, i correctly identified the feelings and didn't worry about it. 2. no. i learned about aromanticism and the split attraction model at the same time, and essentially thought 'ok i'm definitely heterosexual, and i'd assumed i was heteroromantic, though not in those words...but could i be aromantic?' and so it began. 3. separate. i don't see how sexual and romantic attraction have anything to do with each other. like, not just in my own case, but in general--i don't understand. (i mean, i don't really understand romantic attraction in the first place, but...) if i were asked to name my orientation in one word, i wouldn't know what to say, because i have two. i don't even like when people call me straight, because that implies 'heterosexual and heteroromantic'. you guys can, though--the rules don't apply to my fellow aros. 😄 so yeah, chime in, and feel free to ask more questions! ✌️
  23. hmm i'd say i was neutral before i discovered i was aro. i just didn't think much about romance, whether in media or in my own future, it was just like, whatever. but afterwards, particularly after i'd been in a romantic relationship and knew how i really felt about it, it became more noticeable. like if i saw people doing something romantic, i would think about doing it myself and how uncomfortable it was/would surely be. and once you're aware of amatonormativity you can't help but notice how pervasive it is. so yeah, i'm mostly repulsed now, not to the extent you described, and i can enjoy the very occasional romantic story if it's well-written, but i generally dislike it for sure.
  24. yeah, i told my parents and a few close friends several months after i started identifying as aro at 17, and plenty more people since then. like, the very first person i told was my boyfriend at the time, and we broke up a couple months later, so partly it was part of my explanation to other people--not that i owed them one, but whatever. and i used to be apprehensive too, but it gets easier every time, i mean not accounting for the fact that the responses may not improve. overall, though, they've been good. but if you don't feel the need to come out, that's totally fine, it's up to you.
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