aro_elise

a poll for those of us who experience squishes. my answers and clarifications: 1: 20-99. hard to say where in that range--depends where you draw the line between a squish and just thinking they're cool or whatever. however you define it for yourself, that works. 2. over a year. way over. we had dance classes together for several years and i had a squish on her the whole time. some other squishes would fade over time even when i continued to see them. again, draw the line wherever you will of when it begins and ends (since it's probably not abrupt). 3. no. here's the important clarification i couldn't put succinctly in the question: happening to experience a different, unrelated type of attraction at the same time as platonic attraction is irrelevant. my sexual attraction (where gender is obviously a factor) is unrelated to anything else--i may experience it toward a guy on whom i also have a squish, but the platonic part is the same as ever. i can have purely platonic squishes on any gender. i'd be interested to hear your elaborations on your own answers to this one.

how do you do, fellow heterosexual aro ✌️

lots. what stands out most is probably his displays of his romantic attraction to me. like certain things he would say, like compliments--which generally of course would be a good thing but in a romantic context, the tone of voice or the way i felt obligated to respond...idk. and sometimes he would just look at me a certain way, like we'd just be watching tv or whatever and i'd just be reminded it wasn't like hanging out with a friend. also more obvious stuff like holding hands, cuddling, kissing goodbye, celebrating a semi-anniversary. but it was more about the vibe than the actual stuff we did.

not a thing for me. everything which could be considered sensual--like physical stuff, right?--is either sexual, romantic, or platonic to me. so like the way(s) i'm attracted to someone would indicate the types of things i want to do with them. since i never experience romantic attraction, i never want to do the romantic things. for some activities, like kissing, there are different types; they again get sorted into the categories. so i'm very into sexual kissing and very not into romantic kissing. that's my best attempt to explain it.

like a squish? or different?

i wouldn't say it's important for me to call myself that, but it's important that nobody tries to tell me not to. and the term doesn't suggest anything about who is or isn't oppressed--it groups those people together because they are in the same group of people who experience sexual attraction, that's a fact. and i'm still waiting for a gay, bi, etc. aro to tell me they have a problem with being referred to as allo, but if they did, i wouldn't refer to that individual as such.

while i agree aromanticism is queer, i don't use it for myself, i just use aro. probably because i'm heterosexual and cisgender. if i were asked a yes/no question of whether i identify as queer, i guess i would say yes. but it's not something i have to think about much.

yup, you can be any sexual orientation and any romantic orientation. even though for a lot of people they're connected (i guess?), they can totally be separate things. as you can see, a bunch of us experience sexual but not romantic attraction.

i'm domme af but it's just sexual for me, like when my fwb and i are just hanging out we're, well, just hanging out. but yeah, that's how i am with any sexual partner, it's kind of non-negotiable.

2050

sensual isn't a separate thing for me, all those things are either romantic, sexual, or platonic, sometimes depending on context. like my fwb and i only kiss, hold hands, or touch at all during sex, besides hugging goodbye (platonic)--i mean nothing while we're sitting around talking or whatever. and i only want to do sexual things with guys i'm sexually attracted to, which is largely based on appearance. i say this to point out the contrast with what it sounds like you're describing, which could be sensual attraction, idk. but i suppose people experience sexual attraction differently, so that's also possible. not very helpful but yeah, it doesn't matter so much what you call it as that you're both comfortable with everything.

it is absolutely possible to have such strong platonic feelings. my best friend is my favourite person, i would unofficially marry her, and i would be completely heartbroken if she ever didn't want to be my best friend anymore. we have been friends for almost 17 years; i don't feel such a deep connection to anyone i've only known for a few years or less, but i do love my friends and get plenty of squishes. in my experience they're a comparatively more superficial platonic attraction, like i kind of "get over" them, like crushes (supposedly--i've never had one). sorry to hear about the situation with your friend, i do hope you find the sort of relationship(s) you'd like.

there are plenty of us allo aros, and all of our preferences vary--our levels of interest/comfort with friendship, sex, and romance, and in what combinations. like personally, i'm very favourable toward the former two (could be one, the other, or both with a given person, depending how i feel about them), and completely uninterested in and uncomfortable with romance--i avoid any type of relationship with someone i know or feel is romantically attracted to me. i absolutely want to be single my whole life, and to have a lifelong best friend (i do, she's my true love). and i hope it's encouraging to know that it is possible, as an arospec person, to have a mutually satisfactory sexual and emotional relationship (i do, he's great). i'm not sure if by 'conflict' you mean with embracing your identity or just with navigating the life that comes with it--i certainly understand both--but i'm also certain both will get easier, probably sooner and more continually than you think.

yeah, some people have different feelings about those two situations, like someone might actually really like a depiction of a particular romantic activity but would hate to take part in it themselves. personally, my feelings are generally the same--when i see it, it's just kind of "ugh," but the repulsion is stronger when i think about being involved, and stronger still when i actually am. the only time i might be considered favourable is toward beautiful words which happen to be romantic; i admire writers (novel, movie, song, poem, whatever) who can string words together so nicely, but i wouldn't want someone to say the same romantic words to me, at least not in that context.

yeah, it's like, single (meaning not currently in a relationship and never been married yet*), in a relationship, married, or divorced. *that's what people generally mean when they say they're single. even "single and not looking" generally still means 'currently not wanting a relationship' (focusing on other things) or 'not specifically looking but if it happens naturally, cool'. which--side note--i feel like is a good attitude for allos to have all the time. like, for someone to focus their life on hunting down a partner can only lead to bad things: disappointment ('watched pot never boils' kind of thing) or settling for someone who is at BEST, not ideal for them and at worst, abusive. because they feel like anything is better than being single. not to mention other areas of their life suffering due to neglect/apathy. of course this is far from the first time this has been discussed in the aro community, but yeah, relevant. i sometimes say "single for life" to indicate that i don't ever want to be in a romantic relationship/married. of course the sentiments of disbelief, disdain, and/or pity in response are about the same as those in response to aromanticism itself.

it was interesting. in many cases it would depend on a few different factors, especially the specific person, but i tried to give generally accurate answers.

i had to think about that. if by most often you mean to the highest number of different people, aesthetic. sexual and especially platonic (emotional, i suppose) can certainly be stronger and longer-lasting, but that wasn't the question. also, for me sexual attraction necessarily includes aesthetic, of course that's just men, and i believe i find more women aesthetically attractive, particularly the ones in the old movies i watch, so yeah. as for the others, everything people describe as sensual is either sexual or romantic to me, or i guess a couple things could be platonic, and i guess intellectual would fall under platonic, if it was relevant at all.

yeah random people or even pictures, like that's pretty much how dating apps work for allo aros/people looking for casual sex, i swipe right on a guy if i think he's hot, which basically means i could see myself sleeping with him--with levels (as @eatingcroutons put it) varying from 'maybe' to 'yes please!' in total it's no more than 1% of guys in my preferred age range; i believe that's more selective than most people and that it varies a lot. i definitely found boys cute by age 7, and as i got older, that just sort of developed into sexual attraction, like 'he's cute' became 'he's cute, i'd do him.' haha sorry, just trying to be descriptive.

sounds more like sex-neutral allo (pan, as you say), or at least gray-pansexual, since sexual orientation has to do with attraction, and sex-favourable/positive, neutral/indifferent, and negative/repulsed refer to attitude regarding having sex. i'm unsure of whether or not i would consider you demi. this sounds very demi, but... this does not. being definitely allosexual myself, i can relate to that. doing something about it is a different thing, i've yet to hit on a dude i see on the street. there is a difference between not wanting to have sex with someone until you form a bond and actually being unable to be sexually attracted to them until then. i've seen people erroneously claim that "demisexuality is normal" because "most people don't have sex with strangers"--this is the difference they're not understanding. demisexuality is not "normal," that is to say not common, in that the vast majority of people can be sexually attracted to people they haven't even met, for example celebrities. so anyway, maybe somewhere on the spectrum, but if you feel sexual attraction at all, that contradicts the definition of asexuality, like full-on asexual. of course the way you label your orientation is up to you, but since you asked for insight i'm providing it based on definitions.

yup, that's it. i want to do sexual but not romantic things with them. and it's pretty much immediate, unless you're demi, i guess, because for me it's mostly based on looks, but demeanour, personality, talent, or whatever can increase or decrease my level of attraction to some extent.

a manager at my workplace (cafe) recently clarified that employees could extend their discount to "immediate family members and partner (bf/gf). not friends." so my best friend of 16 years doesn't get a discount but someone's bf/gf of 3 weeks does. not that she even lives in the same city, and if she were to visit (which isn't the best idea), she surely wouldn't mind paying full price--that's not the point, it's the principle. the way this is just an example of privileges extended to romantic partners. and i'm not just complaining because i'm aro--my allo coworker's best friend (she does introduce him as such) comes in fairly often; i'm not sure how much he'll want to now. i'd even be more understanding if they'd said "spouse," but bf/gf, really. i suppose part of the (questionable) idea is that someone has one partner and many friends...my mom said they should just offer it only to the employee, keep it simple. not a bad idea. anyway, there are bigger reasons i'll be glad to leave that place in 10 weeks when i head to my cottage.

same! like i don't understand how sex and/or friendship would lead to romantic attraction (well, i guess i don't know what would) but i hope it doesn't for anyone in any such relationship with me. i feel like it makes sense for aros to be a very sex-positive group overall. love that for us.