El011

I briefly identified as a feminine trans man and during that time I met a lot of other trans men and male-leaning afab nonbinary people who identified as transmasculine. To us, it was never about masculinity itself but about the fact that we leaned more toward manhood and had been assigned female at birth. I've also seen masculine trans women doing the same, identifying as transfeminine to express that they lean more toward womanhood despite having been assigned male at birth. In recent years I've seen more and more afab masculine nonbinary people using the label to express that they were assigned female at birth and were transitioning toward masculinity, toward a more masculine gender identity than what had been expected of them, but not toward manhood - and many of them still identify partially as women. I'm told that amab feminine nonbinary people are doing the same but haven't seen it as much personally. This brought up some identity issues for me considering that I'm more masculine presenting, afab, and nonbinary but not a trans man. It seems like the first group is using the labels to indicate gender identity but the second is using them to indicate gender expression. So if you're trans, nonbinary, or otherwise non-cis, vote in this poll and comment your feelings and observations below. If you're cis, feel free to read the results and ask questions of course but this is an intracommunity issue for trans and nonbinary people. EDIT: can a mod move this to gender and sexuality? I forgot we had that forum.

As I said I can't force anyone to identify as anything. There are non-aro, non-ace straight cis people who also don't label themselves as cishet either. Is it also disrespectful of me to label someone cishet if they literally say "I don't label myself, but I'm a man/woman who lives as and is totally comfortable being treated as my assigned sex, and doesn't identify with any nonbinary or culturally specific gender, and is only attracted to genders completely dissimilar from my own"? Like by definition that is both a cis and a het. It's not "disrespectful" to acknowledge that. I mean good for you? This isn't about you though, considering that I said I can understand why nonbinary people would do it and that I'm referring mostly to cis people who aren't at all attracted to their same gender sexually or romantically. I have literally no idea what this is even supposed to say. It's not harmless though. I can't opt out of oppression for being bi, and honestly my experiences as an aro kind of...pale in comparison to my experiences being bi. I've never worried about being physically attacked, raped, fired, kicked out, evicted, or forced into conversion therapy for being aro. I've never worried about introducing my family to a sexual partner because I'm aro. I've never been told I'm a sexual predator or that I'm possessed by a demon for being aro. I've never been followed home or treated as a straight man's personal fetish or told it's my own fault if I'm abused for being aro. But I have experienced all of that for being bi. So for someone who is, by definition, both cis and not attracted to their same gender to pretend that we're the same just because we're both on the aromantic spectrum, to ignore their privilege by just not labeling themselves when I will never have the ability to pretend that my bisexuality is insignificant and grayromanticism is inherently more important, to marginalize me in my own community by acting like their identity is the default and doesn't need to be explicitly stated as if that doesn't just contribute more to heterosexism and the treatment of same gender attraction as a deviation from the norm? That's a huge slap in the face to me. As a community, we're weak when we leave our marginalized members in the dust. That means aros of color, aro women, trans or nonbinary aros, disabled aros, aro religious minorities, and in this case aros who are attracted to our same and similar genders. So yeah, sometimes hetero cis aros need to realize that they're not "just aro" and that they are privileged in a way I will never be, and they need to acknowledge that and not act like their experience is the default or something they can opt out of.

I'm a bi gray aro and like on the one hand I recognize questioning people exist and also using just ace or aro by themselves makes sense for some nonbinary people and I can't force anyone to identify as anything, but it annoys me so much sometimes when aros who aren't attracted to their same gender identify as "just aro." First of all that tells me absolutely nothing about who you're attracted to since you can be a gay ace or a het aro. When I and most other people ask what your sexuality is they want to know who you're attracted to, not how you experience attraction. Second, to me it's - and I say this as a nonbinary person - the equivalent of saying "I'm not cis, I'm normal" or "I can't have cis privilege because I'm a woman/gay/don't like gender roles." Or when straight women will call another woman their girlfriend when they'd never call their male friends their boyfriends. Or like, if I tried to say that I'm not white because I'm half Irish and my ethnic group has faced colonization and oppression (even though that doesn't negatively affect my life personally today) or if I tried to say that because I'm pagan I'm somehow just as oppressed as someone Jewish or Muslim. I think if you're cis and not attracted to your same gender you hold privilege for it even if you're aro or ace. And while it's fine to prioritize being aro or ace as an important part of your identity it's also important to acknowledge when you're in a position of power - in this case due to lack of same gender attraction - and not treat your own life experience as the default, which is what I feel like aros and aces who aren't into their same/similar gender(s) might be (consciously or unconsciously) doing when they try to just call themselves aro or ace and just leave it up to interpretation who they're attracted to. It promotes the idea that aros just inherently feel no attraction at all or that we're all straight, which marginalizes aros who are gay/bi/lesbian/etc and ignores how we're more at risk because of homophobia. As a bi gray aro I need support from other aros and that includes prioritizing the marginalized in our community. EDIT: I'm not talking about people who are strictly aroace and openly call themselves aroace here, but instead more like someone who's a cis het aro and says just "aromantic" when asked their sexuality.

imo you like...can identify as aro as a young teen but it's also totally normal to not have a crush yet or feel ready to date at your age. i think the aro and ace communities should at the very least be 16+ but im also not here for jabbing my nose into how a stranger identifies and if you're going to id as aro i would rather just make sure no one's being creepy about it. also, keep in mind that this is actually how a lot of lesbians in denial feel and not feeling romantic attraction towards boys =/= not feeling romantic attraction at all.

sounds like hetero ace. you could also be gray aro though.

Gray aro and plant based mostly-vegan here!

I don't prioritize it, politically speaking, for a few reasons. One, I think there's nothing inherently that sets me apart from non aros since a lot of people have a complicated relationship with romance, want to prioritize friendships over romance, and have trouble differentiating between romantic, sexual, and platonic feelings. Two, it's really not an oppressed identity and in terms of shared experiences I really don't have much of anything in common with an aro cishet man the way I do with, say, a genderfluid bi woman who isn't aro. That doesn't mean it doesn't matter to me.

I'm culturally Catholic/Christian and back then aromanticism was definitely an issue because it was super emphasized to not date until you met someone you could see yourself marrying, to not have sex before marriage, and to not get married to anyone you weren't 100% in love with. Even for lgbt Christians the only reason any of us were conditionally, sometimes, accepted was that we could still fall in love. And I still think that's super important for lgbt Christians who aren't aro and it's not a bad thing for that reason, but where does that leave those who are aro? What if you can't fall in love? That said it was never just aromanticism that was an issue. It was also being a nonbinary bi girl in a misogynistic, homophobic, transphobic slut shaming society where having or wanting casual sex - ANY sex in my case - meant you were broken and a whore and an unrepentant sinner, but nobody said a goddamn word about it to aros who were cishet men. When my straight aro cousin told my fundamentalist christian aunt she was aro, my aunt just said "oh okay" and dropped the subject. Now, I identify as pagan and still mix in some Christianity and it's really not an issue anymore. There are obviously homophobes and transphobes but nobody cares if you feel romantic attraction.

YMBAI you told everyone at like 15 that you didn't want to date until college and also you told your evangelical christian best friend that you didn't want to date someone you didn't think you would marry but really you just. didn't want to date and were kind of relieved not "dating" (okcupid hookup) until you were 20, and that was the only socially acceptable way as a teen bi girl to express that you wanted sex and not romance in a patriarchal, homophobic society.

It doesn't really come up tbh but that could be because I'm still figuring out my identity

I'm in a bit of a similar situation now and I think you did the right thing. She should be in a relationship with someone who feels the same way about her as she does about them, and you shouldn't be in a relationship that you weren't happy in. It's better sometimes to just rip the bandaid off.

Why doesn't bisexual feel right? What genders are you attracted to or not attracted to?

I don't think anyone from Warrior Nun is aromantic atm but I do think Ava and the nuns are in a companionate relationship. They act so close, like they mean everything to each other, and they really only want to prioritize each other in terms of relationships...but except for Ava and Beatrice, and Shannon and Mary, I just don't see any of it as romantic. They just wanted to devote their lives to each other over men.

42% aro/mostly aro 25% not aro or ace 17% demisexual/gray ace 8% romantic ace 8% aro ace

I just say attracted to men. A lot of other terms bother me because of how they conflate gender identity and expression and because of how they can be used to fetishize trans people. I'd say the only exception to that rule is when nonbinary people use them.

I feel like it would be unfair. She could be with someone who can feel the same way about her, and you're not even into girls. You should be with a guy. Just be honest and tell her you still want to be friends but that you'd also be interested in hand holding and cuddling.

I just want to be honest. It's unfair to her to be in a relationship with someone who can't feel the same way without her consent.

15% Conservative, 85% Liberal Social Issues: 0% Conservative, 100% LiberalPersonal Responsibility: 25% Conservative, 75% LiberalFiscal Issues: 25% Conservative, 75% LiberalEthics: 0% Conservative, 100% LiberalDefense and Crime: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal

we think romance is bad we're all manipulative we lie to our sexual partners in order to get sex we're all cishet frat boys who discard women after having sex with them we all think we're oppressed for being aro/that allo privilege is a real thing we don't understand what material oppression is we're all white we're all cis we're all either straight or ace we're all immature and shit on other people's happiness we're all homophobic those of us that are LGBT make the LGBT community look bad we all lack empathy for people who are going through romantic problems, or who are discriminated against for being in a romantic relationship (i.e. gay couples, interracial/interabled/interfaith couples, couples that involve nonbinary or trans or gnc or intersex people) we don't really know what we want we never shut up about being aro and shove it in people's faces even when we don't have to and they literally don't care we all use the word allosexual/romantic we don't have a consistent definition of romantic attraction and therefore don't exist we all think that everyone who doesn't identify as aro/ace is just constantly falling in love and wanting to fuck 24/7, obsessed with romance/sex, and has the exact same uncomplicated relationship with their attraction

I honestly don't feel the need to tell anyone I'm quoiro unless I'm dating or having sex with them or I think I might have a crush on them. Lots of people have complex feelings about romance and would fit the definition of aromantic or grayromantic whether they identify that way or not, the concept of aromanticism and asexuality as we define them on here are very westernized, and being aro isn't an oppressed identity. Same for being ace. So I don't think there's usually any need to tell people about that part of your identity unless you're romantically/sexually involved with them. Or unless they're your therapist or maybe a close friend or something. Like, someone you would normally talk to about your sex life.

It's a breach of trust and consent and a disregard for the other person's boundaries. A lot of people who have been cheated on feel like they're not good enough for their partner.

I'm starting to think Kara Danvers is grayromantic/quoiromantic and bisexual. -i don't think she ever dated until James and it never seemed to be a priority -with the exception of (abusive and manipulative) Mon-El, all of her relationships and interactions with people she's been shipped with seem to blur the line between romance and best friends to me -routinely sees her friends as a priority over dating -seems happier when just hanging out with her friends and family than she has in a romantic relationship

Sorry to resurrect the thread but at my work we have the kind of environment where casual discussion about sex isn't necessarily weird, and that's how I found out that two of my managers don't believe in monogamy and would essentially rather have a fwb or committed sexual relationship with someone. Neither one identifies as aro. So in that case I would advise someone not-aro to date someone aro but other than that it's more of a case by case basis. In general I would say no, aros and non aros shouldn't date because if romance is something important to you then you should be with someone who can return your feelings, but like if someone who doesn't identify as aro was interested in an aro person and knew exactly what they were getting into and still wanted to do it and everyone involved is freely consenting and happy with the arrangement, or like if someone wanted to stay with their partner who realized they were aro while already in a relationship and the aro person was ok with that...it's their call.